


We're Going to the Chapel And We're

by NickerBocker



Series: Bram & Simon's Excellent Adventure [1]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Based on Love Simon, College Life, Falling In Love, Finding Confidence, Future, Love, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Same-Sex Marriage, proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-04-30 08:01:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 92,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14492457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NickerBocker/pseuds/NickerBocker
Summary: The Shady Creek Gang is in their final year of college and ready for the next step and Simon has marriage on the brain.*Post Cannon (w/o Leah on the Offbeat knowledge), a healthy mixture of 'Love, Simon' & 'Simon Vs'  influence & a part of a balanced breakfast





	1. "When did you know?" - Summer Before College Senior Year

When did you know?

It’s always the question we’re asked as gay people, no matter how good or bad our coming-out experience was. At first it felt like an annoying question from curious straight people, but after my first year of college, I welcomed it because it made me feel a part of the community.

I know I was pretty vague about my Brandon Urie and Daniel Radcliffe crushes, but it felt more like they were only a small part of when I knew. I knew for a fact after my tumultuous (Bram would be so happy I used that word) and very public coming out in Shady Creek when that, as Bob Ross would say, happy little accident catapulted me through the bizarre experience straight into the arms of Blue. Who turned out to be Cute Bram Greenfeld. You may have heard of him, the cute soccer player with soccer calves.

That was four years ago and college has been great. Nick ended up getting into Julliard to further discover what he could do with his incredible musical gift. And that was only because Bram wrote Nick’s personal essay. Bram, with his English obsession, found himself further south at the University of Maryland. Abby, after a lot of work and self-discovery, realized she loved the stage as well, but wanted to design sets and costumes and ended up at NYU. It was great for Nick and Abby as they were never too far apart.

Leah. Oh my god Leah. For being the biggest stickler against 'The Man,' she found her way working part-time for BuzzFeed as a contributor while she was still in school. Her major is Sociology, but it was her convictions that landed her in a temp-to-hire position with a company with a major social platform and she planned on being a warrior. Her powerful (self-written) essays landed her at Yale where she is still causing a stir. Literally as we speak, she is in the student center fighting for trans students rights.

Me? Nick wasn’t the only person Bram helped write a letter for and that beautiful boy, along with my subsequent audition, got me into the Yale School of Drama in Connecticut.  
  
Now I know what you’re thinking, and you’re not the only one. I felt in the beginning that this would spell disaster for our group. I felt it, Nick and Abby felt it, and Leah rolled her eyes and told us to get over it. Bram. Bram never felt it. He knew exactly what to say before we left each other for the first time to go to college freshman year.

“We need to be in this together, but also in it for ourselves...That doesn’t make sense, does it?”

“No,” I replied, stomach churning warm sadness. Sadness because he was right. “To be the best for each other we need to be the best for ourselves. I would never want to be the reason you didn’t follow your dream.”

“Follow my dream? Si, you _are_ my dream. We’re here.” His cute smile and white teeth melted my anxiety. “If you think for a second I’m not where I want to be right now, you’re crazy.”

“What are we up to in the number of times I’ve told you I love you today?” I said as a genuine and warm smile drew across my face by Bram’s words.

“I think we’re in the fifties, but it never gets old,” he shook his head and pulled me close to him. “I know we’re only eighteen and this may be, uhm…preemptive of me to say-”

“Bram, I don’t have a way out.” It came out without me wanting it to, just like when the school found out. “What, I, um, mean by that is…fudge. How do I say with without sounding nerdy?”

“Sound nerdy.” Bram whispered against my lips and it sounded like a request, but was more of a beg.

“In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, one of the challenges for the TriWizard Tournament involved a hedge maze where Harry and the other competitors enter.”

I stopped to gather my thoughts as Brams soft lips made it hard to concentrate. I could feel Bram's smile.

“Is that it?”

“No,” I stammered, smiling back. “What I’m trying to say is I’m ready to go into this maze with you, but I have no intention of ever finding my way out.”

Bram smiled even bigger and his breath made me swoon for his touch.

“You’re a nerd. And I love it. And I love you.” Bram said, kissing me between each sentence fragment. “I feel the exact same way. Are we crazy?”

“No.” I swallowed and pull Bram’s hips closer to me, resting my hands on the curve of Bram’s behind.

“I don’t think there is anything you could ask me that I would say no to. Is that crazy?”

That’s when I knew. Not about when I knew I was gay, but when I knew I couldn’t continue life to the fullest extent unless I married Cute Bram Greenfeld with soccer calves.

It was the last week before I had to be back up at Yale and I made my parents take me to dinner without Alice or Nora, which was a lot more difficult to pull off than I thought it would be. I told them it didn’t have to be fancy, but it couldn’t be a fast food place. Mom was, of course, over analyzing and quiet on the drive as Dad sat in the passenger seat turned almost all the way around cracking jokes.

“Is the ‘Are you pregnant?’ and ‘Did you get Bram pregnant?’ jokes still funny?”

“No, Dad, they never were.”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong, and I’ll tell you why-”

“Dad, neither of us are pregnant!”

“Whew,” Dad blew out air of his lips and turned back around and faced the road. “See, I’m just not ready to be a grandpa yet.”

Mom was still quiet and pining. I could see her eyes pouring through data from the last four years trying to come to a conclusion.

“Mom? Don’t do this to yourself, you’ll know soon enough.”

“So it is something big and important!” She tried to get out before I finished my sentence.

“Yes.”

Mom couldn’t wait anymore and she veered into the right lane and sped down a familiar path Nick, Abby, Leah and I always took when going to Waffle House.

“Three waters, but don’t come back with them for five minutes.” She ordered to the waiter whose eyes bugged at her energy. He walked away and Mom took out her phone, trying to make it look like she wasn’t filming me when she obviously was.

“So, Si. What is it you wanted to tell us?”

At first I was weireded out doing this with them in a Waffle House, but then I looked between my parents to the booth we always took and had to steal a chair to seat all of us. I saw Bram and I, Leah and Abby and Nick, but I saw Cute Bram Greenfeld nodding his head to get back to reality and talk to my parents. Then the weirdness left and the warmth came in.

“Bram and I have been dating for four years now.” Mom’s eyes watered and Dad knew to not make any jokes and instead inhaled proudly. “And I…wow, why is this so hard?”

I know Dad was thinking ‘That’s what she said’ as he let a quick smile escape. To his credit, it was probably one of the hardest things he’s ever done. That’s what she said.

It wasn’t the same nervousness I had coming out to them, it was an excited warm energy billowing upward from my heart and like a campfire, made my eyes water.

“I see what you two have and it was the only basis I had for what a successful couple have and… I know that’s what I have with Bram. You guys, Mom, Dad. I’m going to ask Bram to marry me.”

“I KNEW IT!” Mom shouted, tears falling down her cheeks. Happy tears are happy, but seeing my Mom cry always made me go too. Dad  smiled and pumped his hands and was totally supportive, He moved out of the booth and made me stand up and bear hugged me. Mom finally put her phone down and got up and hugged Dad and I. She finally peeled Dad off and got her hug in too.

“When did you know?” Dad asked, because he’s Dad and of course he asked that.

“You first.” I replied wryly, smile as wide as Bram makes. Even without him here, he’s the reason he’s causing so much joy not only for me, but for my parents.

“I knew…” Dad said, becoming uncharacteristically serious, “Ah Simon, I knew almost the moment we started seeing each other. When it works, it works. And we worked and we just…understood each other. It wasn’t hard to navigate dating her, there weren’t any games, just us, being with each other and being in love with life and knowing we both wanted the same thing and not needing to say it…Does any of that make sense?”

I saw Mom looking at Dad in the way I sometimes caught Bram looking at me and I smiled. I think I’m to the point of adulthood where I have now passed the threshold of being embarrassed by my parents and now view them as the wise people are never knew they were.

“Yeah, Dad, it makes a whole lot of sense.” Dad smiled back and now I know where I got my smile from.

“So, your turn, When did you know?”

I pondered. Was it the day before he left for college Freshman year as he held me close and made me think of nothing but him? Nothing but love? Nothing but his coffee colored eyes, stirring my heart? Was it when I saw him on the Ferris Wheel? Was it when I was happy it was him? More happy than any other person I thought it could be? Was it the Elliot Smith shirt when he gave me his phone number to prove how much he cared? Was it when we only had a computer and each other and it made nothing else matter when I was the Jacques to his Blue? Was it him who had the courage to post that he had a secret that was my secret as well? That even before Bram was Blue and Blue existed that he gave me the courage to finally accept my own sexuality?

“Dad, it’s the same thing you said. It’s all those moments, as soon as we started talking.”

We sat back down and finally noticed the waiter with the waters. Had it really been five minutes?

“Do you guys need extra napkins?” The sleepy waiter asked as he set the waters on the table.

“Please.” Mom replied, smiling as much as I do when I see Bram. Maybe my smile is from her?

“So I’ve also been thinking,” I started.

“Oh, god, Si. I don’t know if I can take anymore news right now,” Mom wavered out, tearing up again. “More napkins…Devin, please?” Mom said as she read his name tag while in a motherly way dismissed him.

“I know that it may be old school, but I honestly want to do this right for Bram. I was thinking of talking to both his Dad and his Mom to get permission. Is that dumb?”

Mom’s chin shook in joy and happiness as Dad smiled.

“You know, Si, I never took you for a romantic, but I’m liking what I hear. That is the furthest thing from stupid.”

“Bram will love it,” is what I think Mom said, but Dad and I looked at one another after she spoke for clarification.

“Whew! Good. Okay. Good talk guys, thanks for it. I needed it.”

I saw mom reach for her phone.

“Also! Mom, Bram can’t find out, so you can’t post anything that you just filmed.”

Mom looked a little hurt and angry at the same time, which was a new look from her. Like I was stealing this moment from her and keeping it for myself. But then I thought that was okay. Because as much as I love Mom and Dad, this was my life and I wanted to ask Cute Bram Greenfeld to marry me in my own way.

“Can I send it to Alice?”

“No!” Dad and I both exclaimed.

“I want to tell them Mom.”

“I guess…not used to having to share you now with another person. I love it.” Mom smiled.

“Here are the napkins.” Devin the waiter brought over. “Ready to order?”

We ate food and Mom tried to get me to already start planning everything. Dad just leaned back and listened, knowing when to let Mom be this way. I stopped her.

“What do you mean you’re not going to do it until January!?” She screamed. Dad’s eyes bugged because he knew that tone.

“Honey,” Dad started. “This is Simon’s proposal.”

Then it hit me. Dad said proposal. I’m going to propose to Bram Greenfeld. Four years ago Simon would have never thought this was a possible future. Four years ago Simon didn’t think he could attain this. It made me realize how far I've come since those days, since first dating Bram to now. How much of a positive influence Bram has made on me. I hope I did the same for Bram.

“Mom, I wanted to wait to ask him on our five year anniversary. Plus, I know his senior year is going to be hectic and I don’t want to pull him away from anything. Besides, I know this year he’s not taking the January speed semester so he doesn’t have to be back til February. It’s perfect. His birthday and then I’ll…whew.”

“What Si?” Dad asked, noticing I lost some energy.

“What if he says no?”

“Simon, he will not say no.” Dad stuffed a breakfast potato in his mouth.

“You think?”

“No way. The question is probably going to be how long will it take to separate you two from each other.” Dad’s eyebrows shot up. “Oops, I’m assuming you’re doing this in front of people…Are you? Doing this in front of people?”

I had a quick vision of me on one knee and Bram saying yes and having Bram’s friends, family, and loved ones around him, staring at him. Would that make it better or worse?

“I don’t know, that’s a lot to think about.”

“You have time, don’t worry.” Dad winked and it made me honestly feel better.

“You also have me, Si.” Mom added. “I’ll be here for your questions. And I will keep myself as much out of the process as I can, but you have to understand there will be times I will be unable to control myself.”

Unable to control myself is definitely the trait I get from Mom, but it’s the trait that made me email Blue in the first place. The one that got me on that ferris wheel. The one that got me in love.

“May I suggest a bow tie?” Mom tried.

“Check, please, Devin?” I shout.


	2. Drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Explicit Scene

“Nora, I don’t want to go to this as much as _you_ don’t want me to go to this, but we have to go to this. So go.”

Dad protested with Nora as he was honest when he said he didn’t want to go. Nora is in high school and I guess they have this new required evening orientation to meet all staff and teachers. I think it may be a way for the administration to try to get ahead of what happened to me in high school as they try to find out a bit too much information before classes even start. Oops. Well, no, oops to Martin. Martin’s Oops.

Mom, the rule follower, kept telling them it was required and discussion was off the table. She also may be over correcting to be sure her youngest doesn’t have a similar experience as her middle child. It seems Alice had an average experience with high school, so Mom is going for the three bears experience for high school and ensure it’s a positive one. Nora is going to hate it.

“Si, I’m sure you’ll be okay here by yourself.” Nora said, emphasizing self portion of the word. Maybe before I told Mom and Dad about proposing, that would have got under my skin. I know the old me would have let it. But I’m not the old me. I’m Simon 2.0 with a Bram-processor. Ugh, I cheesed myself out there. Am I Dad now?

Mom looked wantlying at me, begging for me to tell Nora with the slightest hint of brow furrowing and lip turning. She should have been an actress because she has subtly down to a craft. Meryl Streep herself would gracefully nod in defeat. I smiled and use it an opportunity to tease Mom for torturing Nora and Dad.

“Actually, Nora,” I began, using my stage education to not indicate, but inform. I shifted my weight on both of my legs and stuck my hands in my pocket. “there is something I want to tell you.”

Mom beamed and Dad rolled his eyes, picking up quickly what I was laying down, but not stopping me because he knew he would get to watch. Dad was not one to ruin a potentially fun joke at Mom’s expense, because much like good thoughts after tequila, they’re rare.

“O…kay?” Nora replied suspiciously, crossing her arms. Mom set down her purse to pull out her phone.

“Wow…uhm…okay…” I covered my mouth as if I was becoming emotional. I saw Dad in my peripheral stifling a full on belly laugh. “Nora…as I’ve gotten older and…” Fake blinking a tear out of my eye. “What I’m trying to say is, Mom and Dad don’t care if Bram is coming over anymore.”

Mom’s hopeful face turned into one of ‘listen here you little shit’ flat mouth expression. With a sigh, she threw her phone back in her purse.

“Bram is still in town?” Nora beamed. She was such an interesting person because Nora has known Nick and Leah for years, but she still dismisses them like they’re annoying apparitions who just won’t leave our house. Bram on the other hand. Bram just gets Nora and they have vibed ever since. Is it weird I’m kinda jealous? I had to work to get on Nora’s good side and Bram…just Bramed his way into our lives and made more than just me happy.

“He leaves tomorrow morning for a long semester. He’s telling me he had to take six extra credit hours this first semester to get done on time so we may have fewer opportunities to see each other this year.”

“That’s okay, you guys are good. It’ll work.” Nora uttered quickly. I think I figured out why Nora and Bram get along. Both are introverts and both appear to be quiet until you get them around the right people.

“All of you are headed out already?”

That voice. That voice! Alice stood with a small bag on her shoulder.

“H-H-Hey! Allie!” Dad shouted. He then whispered something into her ear and she shook her head.

“Sorry Dad, Mom texted me first, you have to go to this.”

“What are you doing home? Thought you weren’t going to get here till after I left?”

“I made it work, Si. This is the last year for sure we will all be able to be in the house at the same time for sure.” Alice always traveled for her job. I was never sure what she did and she made sure to keep it that way. I think she liked the air of mystery around her person. All I know is that it had to do with IT.

With Alice and Nora here, I guess I could tell both of them about Bram and me. Mom would certainly enjoy it and may cause her to forget to be angry at me, Dad, and Nora later.

“Well, since you are both here now. I wanna tell you guys something.”

“You’re finally giving Miley Cyrus a shot,” guessed Nora.

“You’re taking my advice and wearing normal cut jeans,” assaulted Alice.

“Okay, this wasn’t a guessing game. But seriously. I just told Mom and Dad a few days ago…but…”

Why am I nervous again? Good, bubbly, positive nervous. Bram and me touching nervous.

“I’m going to ask Bram to marry me.”

Nora covered her hands with her palms and I’ve never seen her do that. Alice placed her chin on fists and smiled how Alice smiled. Mom had somehow snuck her phone out of her purse and filmed again, much to my eye roll and Dad hoped this news could get them out of going to the conference.

“No, Jack. Nora, get in the car.” Mom said through choked back tears.

“Are you staying?” I asked Alice, simultaneously hoping she wasn’t for Bram’s sake but also wanting her to as I hadn’t seen her in a long time.

“No sir, I texted Bram myself to be sure he came over. It’s your last night with him, I’ll go busy myself until late tonight.”

I both hate and love how close my siblings are to Bram. But damn do they all know what they’re doing.

“We’ll talk all about your proposal tomorrow morning. Besides, the less I know the less damaging I can be. Wish the same could be said about Mom.”

“You have no idea.”

Buzz.

_I’m outside :)_

_Come on in, door’s open_

Dancing ellipsis, anticipating his response, only fluttered my heart when it came from Bram.

_Come out, I have a surprise._

My heart flutter evolved into a full warm dance in my chest. I opened the door and there was Bram, on the curb, leaning on his dad’s convertible with aviators that perfectly shaped his face.

“Dad let me borrow it for a few hours, let’s go for a drive, stud.”

College was so good to Bram. He started regular gym schedules Freshman year and hasn’t stopped. His shoulders broadened and filled with tone muscle that dripped to his firm pectorals and ended settling on his toned abs. He had the upside down triangle upper body shape and I can’t say the sentence without becoming aroused.

“Sounds good, let me tell Alice. Alice! I’m going on a drive with Bram!”

“Great cause I have to poop and I didn’t want to have to do that at the bar okay thanks love you bye!”

Jesus, Alice. Bram must have heard her too because I saw his smile.

Driving down the Georgia dusk with Bram by my side was indescribable. It was still light enough for both Bram and I to validate wearing sunglasses so we could look cool while in the car. Bram doesn’t have to try to look cool, though. He just radiates it without trying, and it’s what makes me love him even more.

The only thing that would make this drive better would be some music. I look at Bram and he immediately knew what I was going to ask.

“Yes, pick a song.”

Is he that deep in my head already? I love you, I love you, I love you. Did you hear that? Maybe he did because he just looked at me and his lips curled slightly. Okay, Bram, I will pick a song, but something you’ve recently purchased. I go through his phone and see a band I never heard of. Okay, sounds promising. A song called Nervous Dancing? Sounds like he was thinking of me when he purchased it. I hit play.

“Oh, Nick recommended these guys to me. I kinda like em, especially the song you’re playing.”

_But your eyes are dumbing me down and I can't take mine off of you_

The lyrics rolled out of the speakers as the wind tussled my hair. Nick was Bram's roommate since Freshman year.

Bram came to a red light and grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers. I let out slow happy exhale. This is what I want. Forever. I don’t want things like this to ever end. Light touching from Bram is willing mind control, like I can feel him ghost into my body and he moves me and I sit back and let him. I lay my head on his shoulder.

“We’ve done this three times already and this will be the last time, but it’s always so difficult to do after being here all summer with you.” Bram pined, words pouring softly into my ear.

I smile because I was thinking the same thing.

“It’s what we get for finding the person we love in high school.” I replied, sounding like the more emotionally stable one.

_My view of you’s cutting through the bitter storms of the sea_

“There’s not a day that goes by that don't regret my  crush on you freshman year. I don’t care that it made me feel weird, that I didn’t know what do to with it. Simon, you’re so worth it. You were worth every ounce of my stress and figuring myself out. I don’t know if I ever told you that.”

The wind licked my face and could have been the reason my eyes began to water, but come on, that’s not true. I rubbed my head deeper into his shoulder.

_Let’s just drive I wanna see what the wind does to your hair_

“You never needed to tell me that, Bram. I always felt it.” I kissed his neck and it made him shiver and exhale in palpitations.

We drove another ten minutes. The houses and sky became darker and the sun left an orange-yellow lip on the horizon. Bram removed his glasses and his brown eyes found mine and smiles grew on our faces.

“Let’s get back to your house,” he recommended.

I know I shouldn’t, but I continued to kiss the soft skin of his neck as Bram’s musk found its way into my nose.

“Si…be careful,” He replied airly, motioning down at his jeans. I could see the outline of hardening self press greater and greater at his jeans, begging to be set free.

Even after all this time, it felt like a new discovery of passion each time Bram and I are able to spend time with one another. We made a system of visiting each other during school, but nothing is better than the summers when we’re together almost every day. Some days we do nothing, some days we do everything. I love both of those days. I love Bram Greenfeld. Soccer calves and all.

The drive home seemed to take much longer. Were there this many lights? Were the roads this long and winding? I swallowed saliva and anticipation. Bram licked his lips, a tell-tale sign he's feeling the same way as I do. Hunger looked the same on all faces.

We walked into the house as we kicked off our shoes (Mom’s orders). I saw the deep brown eyes I fell for time and time again and it awakened a warm sensation below my stomach. He bewitched me and I was under his spell. I fell into his lips and pressed sensually against his body. My lips were able to split his and our tongues met.

That was always the first thing that got me going. I will never get sick of Bram’s kiss. I stopped him before we go further (and believe me it would have) and I dragged him behind me like he’s my Fay Wray and I’m climbing the Empire State building.

My room hasn’t changed much from high school. The only difference is that now I have to hide condoms and lube from Mom who, as she claimed, ‘just liked to clean my room while I’m away’ as a reason to snoop. I know it’s in a loving mother sort of snoopy way, but not when you’re trying to hide your gay sex necessities from your heterosexual mother.

I shut the door and locked it, having since my sophomore year in college convinced Dad to install a lockable door. Bram couldn’t seem to wait as he already had his shirt off. The sun had set, but light from the street crept through my blinds and backlit his gorgeous frame. I couldn’t help myself when I pushed him onto my bed, but I wasn’t in control of my body, Bram was.

I straddled his lap and I could feel it pressed against my thigh, a warm, hard part of his body pleading to escape its denim prison. Bram’s pupils dilated as I kissed the skin next to his belly button and he let out a small, innocent moan. It made his penis pulsate and I saw it move slightly in his jeans. Enough is enough, it would be inhumane not to assist him in this troubled time.

I unbuttoned his jeans and carefully pulled them down as to not bend it in a hurtful way. It bobbed back and was allowed more room in his boxer briefs. I can never get over how…how do I put this in  the best way possible…how god-damn big Bram is. He kicked off his jeans and I go to kiss his inner thigh just below the fabric of his underwear. While I’m doing this, I’m unbuttoning my own jeans and pull off my underwear with it as well.

“Si, get up here right now.”

Yes, sir. I shoot up and Bram sees I’m now naked except for my shirt, my penis pointing out from under it. Bram licked his lips and commanded me towards him with his eyes. I sit on the bed next to him and he pulled off my shirt.

So you know how I said Bram made a gym regimen, I didn’t want to fall behind either. I’m not the most fit, but I’m no longer the lankey teen I was in high school. My definition isn’t near what Bram’s is, but I’m happy with it and Bram loved it. He kissed my chest as I played with his penis still inside his boxer briefs. Sighs and moans escaped between his lips as he moved down to my chest.

“Bram, take them off.”

He complied and they fly off the bed and now both of us are staring at one another, naked, erect. I crawled to him across the bed with my butt high in the air and stopped just before my lips touch the tip.  I breathed on it a few times and I heard Bram’s moans aching for me to put my lips around it. I complied and I am able to go about half way down on it.

“Oha,” Bram whispered out as I moved back and forth with my head. Giving Bram head always got me hard to the point of it hurting. I love being the person doing this to him.  I love that I’m the only one who ever has, and I love that I will be the only one who gets to. I can feel his pleasure as his body aches from it, his soft skin and muscle felt under my hands.

After a minute, I am able to get down to the base of his penis. It took me about a year to perfect, but I love doing it because every time I do, Bram makes a noise that makes me hot and sweaty and harder than ever. I come up for some air and he pushes me back onto my bed, my head on my pillows and he returns the favor. His lips and mouth are so warm and soft around my penis and I swear I could come right now if I needed to. But I would never take sex with Bram away from me. Or Bram. Or the universe.

Bram moves up to my head and caresses his tongue into my mouth and I can feel my body relax into his pleasure, his heaven he’s bringing me to. I move my hand to where I hide the lube and move it onto the bed, never, EVER stopping kissing him. When I go for the condom, Bram’s strong arm stopped me.

“No. not tonight.”

No sex!? Wait, what?!

“What?”

“No condom, not tonight.”

I’ve never had unprotected sex with Bram, but…I didn’t fight his request. We’ve only been with each other and I will be asking him to marry me and I don’t want to have him wear a condom either. I want to feel Bram. I want to feel every inch of Bram inside me with no interference. Thinking about it begets pre-come and I see it glisten as it drips down onto my stomach.

“Yes. Absolutely. Bram.”

Bram bit his lip and his eyes fluttered. “Say it again.”

I add more heat to it, “Bram.”

His penis jumped from arousal and I knew it had to happen. Now.

I apply lube to his hot, hard penis as he uses some to massage it around my butt. Bram is always good at making sure the lube is little warm in his hand before applying it, and I can feel his finger prepare it for what’s about to come. His lips returned to mine and we sat on our knees on my bed, exchanging kisses and moans between what I only know is the highest of pleasures. I would have never thought I’d feel this with a person, and Bram discovered it. We discovered it together.

“I need you. Right now. Si. I need it.” Bram stumbled out of his mouth between kisses.

I have never been harder in my life. I’m about to have bareback sex with the love of my life who I will be asking to marry me. I need it more.

“Right now. Bram, I need….Bram.”

Bram laid me down on my back and I could feel his head slowly push into me until I was encompassing half of it. He was about to pull slowly back and I grabbed his back.

“N..no, all of it.”

Bram made a worried, yet aroused, but surprised, yet loving face as he plunged deeper into me and the feeling was absolutely incredible. I felt his pubic hair graze against my butt and Bram’s eyes began to roll around his head, floating in ecstasy.

None of it hurt. The only thing I felt was the most connected to him I’ve ever felt. It was not longer Si and Bram. We were one. No condom, just love. Just us.

He began to thrust and felt his hard penis unencumbered by latex stroke my insides. It was a feeling that was even better than all of the best sex we’ve had in the past. Our faces were one of confused pleasure as our mouths hung open and our eyebrows danced attempting to figure out how to showcase what we were both feeling.

Bram’s sweat and our mixed as he moved me close to him and increased the speed of this thrusts. His arms were behind my back and mine were wrapped around his broad shoulders. Our chests touched and created more heat and sweat and pleasure and love.

I pushed him back onto his knees, him still inside me and I began to ride him. It felt. So. Good. His faces, his lip bites, his hungry eyes and tongue. All of it made this first time without protection something spiritual. How long has it been? Minutes? Hours? I can't tell.

“Si…It’s..I’m already,” Bram moaned out.

I wrapped my legs around him and tilted him back on top of me as his speed increased even more.

“Do it.” I moaned.

I couldn’t help myself after Bram nodded his head at me like it was an order.

I came. He came.

I felt him pulsate inside of me.

I felt a part of him was now a part of me.

I felt a part of me was now a part of him.

I felt we were floating. Time stopped and we shared something divine.

Maybe I’m looking into this. Maybe it was the best because our bodies knew something our hearts didn’t. Maybe it was divine because he was going to be mine forever.

Our choral panting brought us down from the divine dimension and we returned to being Bram and Simon. He went to the bathroom first and I followed with my phone, looking up how to properly ensure how to be the most sanitary now that we’re…we’re no longer needing protection. We didn’t need it anymore. It served its purpose.

I flushed the toilet and Bram was half awake on the bed.

“Si. I love you. I love you so much it hurts, like I want to become a bigger person to store more love.”

I ambled to him and crawled into bed. I lay my head on his chest.

“Bram, I’m so in love with you that it drives me crazy. It drives me to be a better me. I want this forever.” I tip my toe into the water of his thoughts.

“I want this forever too. You and me and…lube and no condoms.”

We both laugh as I slap him lightly on the chest. Soon after, we both fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Republic Tigers - "The Neve (Nervous Dancing)": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaflTcA2dPI  
> Fay Wray, for those who are not aware, was the actress in the 1933 film King Kong.


	3. Weeds

I can’t stop thinking of our night together.

It was the most perfect thing. We both woke a few hours later, hungry. Mom, Dad, and Nora  returned while we were asleep and already had dinner. Nora talked to Bram briefly before going to her room and shutting her door. Mom (and Dad) decided to scrapbook in their bedroom, much to the laments of Dad. He knew, though, Mom was being nice and giving Bram and me full reign of the living room. We ordered pizza and watched bad movies on Netflix. We were both still awake when Alice came home around 2:00 AM, sloshing her words around.

“Aww,” she started in a drunk accent. “You two are so adorable. How was – hic – your night?”

Bram pulled me in closer with a hug. “The best. I’m going to miss your brother.”

I beamed, and it made Alice roll her eyes much like Dad. “Ugh, I take back my compliment.”

Alice didn’t return after she hobbled upstairs. When we walked back to my room, I saw her light was on under the door. In all her glory, Alice passed out, fully clothed (thank god), on her bed. Bram smiled and helped me tuck her in and we returned to our bed to sleep.

I couldn’t fall asleep right away, my mind was racing. Bram curled up next to me and slept as well as he looked. I stared and played with his hair. He liked when I deeply rubbed his head with my fingertips and often asked me to do so to help him fall asleep. A soft, happy purr came from him as he shifted on my chest.

Seeing him gave me all the energy I need in life. It gives me the energy and confidence to speak with his parents. I know I’ll still be worried, but I want to know that his parents approve to him when I get down on one knee. Then I can see the glisten in his eye that makes me melt.

The next day was not sad as it could have been. Bram kissed me before he left to finish the two things he needed to pack and was back at my house two hours later, all ready to head back up to school in Baltimore. He was driving to his Dad’s new place in Charleston and then flying to school. Tickets are cheaper from that airport and he’ll see his Dad once more before the year begins.

“Nick texted me,” Bram laughed. He showed me the phone.

_Did you end up doing it?? Maaaan, I can’t wait to see you. Summer has been too long, I miss ya!_

Bram’s Nick had turned out to be a great ally. As soon as him and Bram were good friends, he called me saying that I had nothing to worry about, he would make sure to keep an eye out on Bram for me. Many drunk calls from those two and their group of friends proved otherwise, but he kept his promise and always got Bram to their dorm and later apartment.

“You talked about it with him!” I asked, shocked.

“Yeah, I had to, he’s my Garret up there.”

“I know, but talking about it openly. I’m proud of your Greenfeld.” I say, jokingly.

“Coming from the guy who inspired me to come out in the first place. I’ve grown up since high school, Spier.”

We had this habit of calling each other by our last names when we’re getting ready to leave each other for a long time. His million-dollar smile flashed at me and it tugged at my heart, knowing it’s the last I’ll see of it in awhile. “This is the last time we’ll have to do this, Si,” he added, knowing where my mind went. “After this, it’s us.”

“The last time, that makes it easier,” I say, kind of lying, but also loving how considerate he is.

“Yeah, we got this,” Bram said, smiling with squinted eyes and shaking his head.

I grabbed Bram’s hand and he squeezed it back. Then he pulled me to him and we shared a great kiss. His tender lips still so soft as he took a small nibble on my bottom lip.

“I’m glad we did that last night,” I started.

“Me too,” Bram replied, warmingly, drinking me in with eyes. “Sorry I’m staring.”

“Never be sorry and always be staring,” I smiled. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more,” Bram stated. “And I hate that I have to go.”

When Bram began to get emotional in public, I knew it meant a lot to him. I hugged him deeply and rubbed the small of his back.

“I promise you,” I soothed, gaining courage and hope and love, “that this will be year to remember. Let’s bust through it and I guarantee you’ll have something great when it’s over.”

“My degree?” Bram joked, laughing at himself. He’s so cute when he does that.

“Exactly, plus, us,” I exclaim, making him smile wider.

“I love you, have I told you that?” Bram mentioned.

“You’ve let it slip a few times,” I said right before I kissed him. “I love you, too.”

Then he was in his car, headed into the sunrise. No tears this time. Knowing what I want from the future has somehow strengthened me.

Bzzz.

Text from Bram’s Nick?

_Hey dude, Bram told me he was leavin’ today, I know it must suck, but this is the last year I’ll have to babysit Brammy. Hope you come up soon again, final hurrah as college students!!_

I can see why Bram likes him. Very supportive and good friend…be at the proposal kind of friend?

_Thanks, means a lot. Yes! Once I start I’ll know what kind of schedule I have and we can plan. Bram said he has a killer schedule this year :(_

.  
..  
…

_Yeah, man, he showed me. Bummer. BUT you know I’ll convince him to make time for you, I’ll wingman you up._

I chuckled at his enthusiasm.

_When I come into town next, you and I will need to talk._

.  
..  
…  
_Sounds ominous :o  
But I can dig it. Can you tell me if it’s good or bad news?_

_Good news, definitely good news._

.  
..  
…  
_Good! Whew! Okay, keep your chin up, Spier. You’ll see Brammy again before you know it._

I put my phone away and saw my family watching from the house who then mysteriously found themselves busy as I walked back up. Mom had breakfast ready at the table and her, Nora, and Alice were discussing proposal options. Dad read the paper with a steaming cup of coffee at the kitchen counter.

“Please don’t do anything lame like a flash mob. I mean, bring people if you want, but don’t do some tacky dance,” Nora offered.

“Like the Forever wedding dance thing?”

“Exactly.”

“Never in a million years, He’d hate that.” I replied.

“The first question is who will you want there? Who’s making the cut?” Mom asked, knowing she’d be there, confident-like.

That was a good question. I wanted the important people in Bram’s life, but outside of Leah, Nick, Abby, my family, his family and Garrett, who would Bram want there? Maybe his Nick too?

“I’m not sure yet, definitely Bram and I.” I joked. Nora ate a smile as Mom glared at me. “I’m not sure yet, it’s only been a week since I knew I was doing this.

“Bram used to be quite quiet,” Dad started, “But the more he comfortable he gets, the more talkative he becomes. Seems to me he might like a nice dinner and a fun proposal. I dunno, that’s what I’d do if _I_ were proposing to Bram.”

Ugh, an image I could have gone without.

“You know who you need to ask, Leah and Nick,” Alice suggested as she typed away on her phone.

“About Leah and Nick, I haven’t told them yet.”

Nora and Alice lifted their eyebrow.

“What? I wanted to tell Mom and Dad first, then I wanted to ask Bram’s Parents for permission, then Leah and Nick. And Abby.”

That was the plan at least. But maybe Alice was right and I should tell them so they can help me. No one would be better to help me out with this than Leah, but she was already up at Yale because she was going to be a TA this year for the Sociology 101 and 102 classes. She worked there the entire summer and we all only saw her a few times. We went over on data so many times, Dad put our family on the unlimited plan. Oops.

That said, she’s the one friend I know would drop everything to help me. She did it when she could all through middle and high school, what could be different now?

“Ugh, you’re right. Maybe I should tell her.”

“Get ideas before Mom tries to take over!” Alice yelled.

_Bzzz_

Bram  
_Getting gas at the same old station where the attendant looks like you. Not a good trip to see him. <3_

Will my heart flutter for the rest of our lives when he talks to me?

_I could put glasses on a stick and you would see me in it._

.  
..  
…  
_True! Come to think of it, I think of you every time I see Mr. Peanut. ;)_

_Not fair! He has a monocle._

.  
..  
…  
_And a top hat like you wore in Sweeney Todd. Boom. I win!_

My junior year I beat out Patrick Petersen to play Antony in Sweeney Todd. He ate sour grapes and I drank liquid grapes to celebrate (Wine. I drank wine, not grape juice. To be clear). I called Bram immediately and said all the right things a boyfriend says. He made sure to come opening night with Leah, Nick, and Abby and he also brought a family size pack of Oreos for me to discover in my dressing room.

_Awww, now I have to get a bag of peanuts at this gas station._

_I love you_

_I love you too. Getting back on the road, I’ll text ya later._

Even in texts, he’s so grammatically correct. I excuse myself from breakfast and head to my room to FaceTime Leah.

“Si, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Leah is the greatest. Always has been, always was.

“Hey Leah, how’s the TA training?”

“Oh, you know, love to prep syllabi for a class most freshman will take only cause they have to.” Classic Leah. “Teachers are great, they’ll write me a good letter of recommendation if needed. Plus they’re weirdly sucking up to me cause of my BuzzFeed job. It’s a weird dichotomy.”

“I made sure to pay attention in my Intro to Sociology class, promise.” I joke with her.

“So you’re coming up, like, tomorrow? What can’t wait? It’s about Bram isn’t it?”

Not everything I talk about with my friends is just Bram, but when we talk, Bram always seems to come up, but can you blame me?

“It is, actually, but not any of the normal things.”

Leah’s eyes bugged out. “So you mean you’re not calling to tell me how sad you are that he left today?”

I started to reply but, “And yes, I know he left today. You didn’t answer any of my texts last night, I can only imagine what you two were – and now I’m going to puke.”

“Sorry about that, I need to get better, you’re right.” I put my hand on the back of my neck.

“Okay, then what’s up?

“I have been thinking lately and I’ve decided to propose to Bram.”

Leah went quiet as a closed mouth smile grew across her face as her hands planted on her cheeks.

“Simon, that is so fucking wonderful I could cry!”

“Please don’t, one of us has to always be stable! You can’t count on me to do that.”

“Simon, Simon, Simon, I just can’t believe it. Yes! YES! AH! Who have you told?”

“Only my family, and now you.” I place my head on my hand.

“Wow!” Leah waved her hands against her eyes.

“Yes, I wanted to tell you next because I want to get your opinion on how to propose as well.”

Her smile quickly disappeared. “Do you know who’s going to be your Best Person?”

I tilted my head and smiled. “Isn’t that a little far ahead? I need to know he says yes first.”

“Si, come on, you honestly believe he’d say no?”

No. But hey, neither of believed we’d come out or find each other.

“Anything is possible, you taught me that Ms BuzzFeed.”

Heavy Leah eye roll, “Whatever. Look, you have _any_ ideas or are you scraping the bottom of your barrel?”

“Hey, listen, I have a few. I just don’t know if Bram will like any of them.”

“Lay one on me.”

“I was thinking of maybe going back to Creekwood-”

“Ugh, no. Please. I have to be there soon for some weird five-year high school reunion planning meeting.”

“Okay…well, location can be discussed.” I cleared my throat. “I was thinking of making it not private though…like having a couple of people there, family, close friends, maybe. I don’t know, do you think Bram would like that?”

“You guys aren’t in high school anymore and, unfortunately, neither of you are hiding your feeling for one another. I miss when you both were emailing. Kidding, of course, as you kept us all out of the loop for so long.”

“Focus.” I appealed.

“So I think Bram will like what you like Simon. He came to the ferris wheel and you know how nauseous he gets.”

Nauseated you mean.

“He geeks out when you’re geeking out on sweeping romantic gestures. Simon, he’ll love whatever you decide. I’m here to bounce the terrible ideas from your repertoire, but you’ll have good ideas too. Trust your gut. When are you going to do it in case I end up on your short list of invited people?”

I wasn’t really listening at the moment because I started thinking about how Bram would like to be proposed to and less about how I want to do it. If he did it, he’d probably take me out on a very gorgeous dinner and do a traditional proposal and I would eat it up!

“Si?”

“Sorry, time. I want to do it on the night of our firth anniversary.”

“Ugh, that’s perfect.”

“Yeah?” I said, feeling more confident.

“Yeah. Okay, so I have time if I’m a part of that group, if you do the group. Skipping classes? I think your anniversary will land on the weekend before classes start.”

“I’ll figure that out later. My second semester this year will be light so I can handle missing a few days if needed.”

“Well Si, I’ll try to think of some fun places and ideas and we can talk tomorrow. I gotta get back to stapling ten million packets.”

“Bye, love you, bye.”

“Bye, love you, bye.”

I hung up and tossed the phone on the bed. It was still unmade from last night and Bram drifted back into my brain. This proposal needs to sum up five years of love and happiness and the most Bram-Simonesque way possible. Would emailing him as Jacques to propose to the Blue address be romantic? I daydream Leah coming through my phone to slap me for that thought. Time to go back to brainstorming.

I went downstairs and Mom was waiting patiently. I bounced ideas off of the girls and none of them liked the idea of going back to Creekwood either, so that choice was officially off the table (which is a shame because I thought it’d be super romantic).

“I mean, I get it, but it’s too on the nose,” Alice stated and the others agreed. “Think in the same vein, but maybe something more recent. Any significant places since college?”

So many. There were so many places around the country Bram and I met: halfway points, weekend get-aways, pretty much every major city and attraction up the eastern sea board. The problem with all of those places was they were always fleeting. They were never together for more than a day or two before we had to return to school. The place that was always constant and longer than a weekend was Shady Creek Summers.

“No…You guys, it has to be here.”

“As in the house?” Mom exclaimed, eyes wide.

“Here in Shady Creek…I’ll have to figure out where, but yes, it has to be here. It’s where we fell in love.”

Mom welled up at the word love and Nora had another smile escape, but she allowed it to. Alice gave me a thumbs up.

“Good thinking, son.” Dad chimed in from the counter. I don’t think he’s moved since I went upstairs. “But now it’s my turn. Come on, Si, let’s go outside, you wearing something comfortable?”

“Yes?” I answered suspiciously.

“Good, good. Come on.” We go out the back door to our long driveway. “Have a seat.”

Dad pointed to the concrete.

“On the ground?”

“Yeah, help me pull up these weeds in the cracks.”

Of course, how did I not see this coming? We pulled weeds for a few minutes in silence until he started talking.

“Si, I just. I want you to know that your Mom and I are super proud of you, and we’re so happy and glad you found Bram when you did.”

“Thanks Dad.” I said, pulling at an ornery dandelion.

“I’m glad you figured out to do it here too, Si. I was about to suggest it myself had you not thought of it.” Dad pulled out a big weed and threw it to the side. “You’ve really grown into quite the man, Si. You’ve gone through a lot more than I did when I was your age, yet you’re coming out on top.”

It must be custom for fathers to only be able to talk to their sons without Dad jokes during some sort of manual labor.

“It’s thanks to you, Dad. I had a good guy to look up to.”

“So this proposal,” Dad started. “You sure you want people there?”

“I honestly don’t know,” I replied, staring at small weed I couldn’t reach with my fingers.

“Proposing is a hell of a heart race, let me tell you that. When I proposed to your mom, WOW.”

I stopped picking at the small, untouchable weed. “Really?”

“Sure Si! It’s a scary experience.”

“Even if you’re almost positive they’ll say yes?”

“ESPECIALLY if you’re almost positive. If you’re not sure, you expect a no, so you can prepare for it. If you’re almost positive, you’re going all in on your emotional ante. And that’s hard to allow yourself to do, especially when you’ve been hurt before.”

Have I been hurt before? I was outed by Martin, but that was Martin, not Bram. When Bram ghosted me, I was hurt, but not because of him, it was because of the situation. And it ended up working out in the end. I just now remembered Dad and I were shooting the shit over some beers last summer and I told him a good portion of when Blue and I started talking. So maybe he’s being a Dad to his son.

“Dad, do you think Bram hurt me when he stopped talking to me?”

Dad moved his attention back to the weeds after his speech and didn’t look at me to respond.

“Si, all I know is that you the best son I could have asked for, and maybe I just felt a little territorial of how someone could have treated you. I just want to let you know that it may be scary because of the possibility of hurt and that’s perfectly normal.”

Super Dad lands his super lessons again. All through the façade of weed picking the driveway.

“I appreciate it Dad, but Bram has done so much more for me that part of our history can burn.”

“Good to know, Si.”

“So you were scared with Mom?”

“SO scared with your Mom.”

We silently continued until I remembered one of the most important things about proposals.

“Oh my god, Dad, how could I forget this part?! Are there any ring place you’d recommend for a low income college student?”

Dad laughed until his mind clicked and became silent for a while. Uh no, I broke Dad.

“Simon, do you trust me?”

“Are you quoting Titanic on purpose?”

“Can it be both? Do you trust me?”

“Of course.”

“You still have your old laptop from high school, right”

“Yeah, I mean, it died but it’s hanging out in my room in the closet I think. And no closet joke!”

Dad bit his lip. “Okay, that’s all.”

“…that’s all huh?”

“Trust me, son, trust me.”

Dad and I finished a chunk of the driveway before he let us go back into the house. I think he may still feel a little guilty about the jokes in the past, but that can burn as well. Dad was just being Dad, I know it wasn’t malicious at all. To be honest, that would have been a funny joke had I let Dad say it. Probably not, but he would have liked it.

The rest of the day was great. Nora, Alice, and I sibilinged out and talked and talked until dinner when Mom and Dad joined us. We ordered Chinese and watched the most recent season of the Bachelor and argued over it. Nora always sided with Mom, Alice with me, and Dad always a solid sole survivor of opinion.

“It’s about that time, Si,” Mom said after the credits started on our third episode. “You’re all packed for the plane?”

“You know it. That part of Bram has rubbed off on me. I was packed for the plane two nights ago. Do you still recognize me even though I’m planning in advance so much?”

“Not at all/It’s like you’re not even our brother anymore,” Nora and Alice said at the same time.

“I like it,” Dad included.

Nora hugged me goodbye and ran upstairs before anyone saw her cry. Alice hugged me and said she was going to get packed herself for the next leg of her trip. Mom and Dad drove me to the airport for my red-eye to Connecticut. Bram suggested to always take red-eyes to maximize time, traffic is almost non-existent to the airport, and that by the time you land in your destination, a friend can pick you up before they may have class or work. By god, that boy was right. And I’m going to ask him to give me advice like that the rest of my life.


	4. Trust Your Gut - Senior Year

I landed early and Leah was there to pick my tired butt up from the trip (I can never sleep on planes). I told her it had to happen in Shady Creek and she was on board with it and that made me feel better. Our first day back was filled with catching up in between first day boring syllabus reviews in classes.

Freshman are forced to live on campus their first year and I had an interesting, but forgettable roommate. I have friends in the theatre department here, but starting sophomore year, Leah and I lived together in a nice (and affordable) apartment. Mom and Dad helped us with the rent, Dad being happy that it was the last year he had to pay. People kept telling us we were crazy to live with a friend, but since we’ve been friends for so long and Leah is…well Leah, who always spoke her mind, we never had any issues.

Luckily for both of us, we are great cooks at exceedingly different aspects. I am a stovetop master and handle dinners and savory breakfasts and Leah is a baking champion and handles sweet breakfasts and lunches. Yin-Yang of food: I wake up to waffles and Leah comes home to stir-fry. It’s a match made in love handles.

Ever since my best friend in the department caught on, Ian would come over from time to time to eat both breakfast and dinner, and we swore lunch because our peanut butter would mysteriously be consumed at a fast rate. Ian’s a diamond in the rough in the sense that is he one of the only straight men in the theatre department. This makes him a perfect ladies man because everyone assumes he’s gay when we go out together, girls talk to us, I tell him ‘Oh, my boyfriend’s calling me,’ and that opens the conversation to his heterosexuality and he leaves me with a wink and a finger gun.  I’d give it the ‘ol Leah exhale if Ian and I hadn’t perfected it so much.

Outside of that aspect of Ian, he’s a great actor and has, on the hateful occasions, defended me against some drunk country boys at the city bars. Leah calls me his ward and Bram found it too funny. It’s not that funny, but Ian is a guy I know I’ll be friends with for the rest of my life.

“Aaaaaaaaayooooooooo Si-Si,” Ian yelled as he busted in the door and bear hugged me.

“Ugh, I regret it giving him a key already,” Leah said, not standing from the dinner table.

“What’s on the menu tonight?”

“Chicken BLT with pesto mayo and rice.”

Ian glanced over at Leah, “The TA checks musta kicked in with a two course meal, Le Burke.”

Leah and I both paid equally for the food, but Leah was the one who did the shopping. Because she loved it. Also, she actually doesn’t mind Ian’s nickname for her because he gives it a French pronunciation. Also, and she’ll never admit this because it’s against everything she believes, but she maaaaaay have a slight crush on him.

“It’s our last year Ian, may as well live it up, right?”

We all ate and caught up from the summer. Leah regaled us of her TA duties by day, and wine-infused studying by summer night, I bragged about Bram & I’s historic Splash Pad attendance since Bram saw my minute abs I formed junior year and wanted to show me off, and Ian explained his summer back in South Dakota camping every weekend with his high school buddies.

“Dude, have you ever seen the stars without light pollution?” Ian asked, in a serious tone.

“Yes, Ian, Si and I have the capability of turning our head up.” Leah said sarcastically.

“Yeah, but when you did, were you within or outside of the yellow light of the city.”

“Come on, Ian, Midwest dudes aren’t the only dudes who can see stars,” I validate. It reminded me of when Bram and I took a trip this summer with Nick & Abby to an AirBnB beach house. All days were spent as a group, but once the sun finally set, it was hard to not sneak into our bedrooms at opposite ends of the house and do what couples do. I try not to tell Leah about too much as she gets mad FOMO (fear of missing out).

“Okay, so you know what that looks like when the sky comes to life and you see the billions of other starts that you normally can’t see and all it took was unplugging and going out on your adventure.”

“But you don’t need just to see stars to feel that way, Ian,” Leah claims.

“Okay Le Burke, fine, but we all have that place we can go that makes us emotionally unpack, and not in the lets talk about our feelings way, but in the I feel less pressure from society and what it expects of me way. Where’s that for you?” Ian pointed at her.

“My bedroom.” Leah stated.

“Your bedroom? Really?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”

“I dunno, seems trapped to me.” Ian answered, helping himself to the last BLT.

“You’re an extrovert, I’m an introvert, I don’t see a cramped room, I see a space in the entire universe that is built specifically for me and my liking and it relaxes me!”

Ian took a big bite and replied with a mouth full, “You know what, you got a point Le Burke.”

“Enough time around me, you’ll find I always know what I’m talking about.”

“What about you, Simon?” Ian asked.

I hadn’t been listening the conversation. When Ian asked about the place where we can emotionally unpack, all I could think about was that night on the Ferris wheel with soft eyes Bram Greenfeld with his strong arms and his soccer calves. Though many people were around us, that little carriage built for two felt the most weight lifting experience.

“Si? Earth-to-Si,” Leah said in a robot voice.

“The ring,” I started. “Would it be tacky to get a ring that looks like a ferris wheel?”

“I didn’t take you for the man jewelry type, Si” Ian laughed, taking another bite that was probably too big.

“A ferris wheel would just look like a merry-go-round on its side and I don’t think that’s cute.” Leah replied. “Besides, it would be a statement engagement ring and Bram isn’t really a statement jewelry person.”

“Engagement ring?” Ian muffled out of his mouth. “Are you proposing to Bram?”

“Oh, shit. Yes, Ian, I’m proposing to Bram in January.”

Ian spit out the food onto his plate to the lament of Leah and powered over to me to give me another bear hug.

“Fuck yeah Si! That’s so fuckin’ cool congratulations!”

Ian is obsessed with Bram. On the occasions Bram visited me up here, Ian steals him away so they can talk about soccer. Bram loves it because it’s hard to talk soccer in Baltimore, so I usually have to peel Ian off of Bram. Ian always asks Bram jokingly if he has a sister and Bram always lets him know she’s only five.

He finally let me go and went back to his spit out food and put it back in his mouth to finish.

“Are you fucking serious Ian?!” Leah screamed.

“I don’t want to waste food on such a beautiful evening. We have to celebrate.”

Celebrating turned into shots and beers and the rest of the night we spent talking about the show line up for our senior year and which roles we’d want verses the one we may be assigned. Leah explained her classes and we got into brief sociology based debates. Around one A.M., Ian was asleep on the couch and Leah and I were in my room, head to head, just like in high school.

“So I was thinking and you’re right, I think the ferris wheel ring maybe too much.”

“Maybe a little.” Leah replied in a slight slur. “It could have been worse, you could have suggested an Oreo ring.”

She’s right, unfortunately. We both laughed a drunken laugh.

“Know of any cool ring shops in New Haven?” I ask. “I wanna start looking.”

“Si, don’t rush this. Let the ring find you. The one ring-”

“TO RULE THEM ALL!” We both finish.

“When I brought it up to Dad, he just said ‘do you trust me’ and so I don’t know if he’s helping me or not.” I explain.

“Maybe trust your Dad. You’ll be proposing in Shady C anyway, take a chance on your Jack Spier.”

We both chuckle and talk a few more minutes until Leah goes to bed and I’m left staring at my ceiling. I grabbed my laptop and began some drunken Google searching for engagement ring ideas and of course they’re all the most un-Bram like options.

But…like what could I get Bram that will scream us, but at the same time be elegant and show how much I love him? I am leaning towards no stone…I think Bram and I are simple folk with simple tastes. Bram tastes like…no, focus, get my hand out of my pants.

Should I put the ring in a sleeve of Oreos and have him open it? I mean, it know how tacky it sounds because it’s so tacky, but would Bram like how tacky it is and just think it’s cute? Where is the tipping point!?

Bzzz

Bram  
_I hope you had a good first day! I’m assuming Ian’s passed out already? ;)_

And just like that, my ring anxiety began to dissolve.

_I did and he is!  
For a bro, he’s not much of a drinker_

_._  
..  
…  
_If you talk about soccer, he’ll drink you under the table._  
_He runs on pure adrenaline when you bring up Argentina._

_You know I tried, and it didn’t work  
I think I’m missing the Bram-factor in my conversation_

_._  
..  
…  
_I’m missing the Simon-Spier._

_Strange, I thought you had my heart  
Be sure you don’t lose it, it’s the only one I have_

_._  
..  
…  
_I keep it in the space mine was because you seem have taken mine._

_< 3  
Above is evidence I have yours, show me mine so I know it’s safe_

_._  
..  
…  
_< 3_  
_It isn’t going anywhere._  
_Oh, also, I almost forgot._  
_Mom is going to be in New Haven guest lecturing for the...ugh, Women Sexual Studies Class._

Holy shit, this is perfect. I was going to call her but this is a thousand times better. In person, somehow, seems easier because I can see her reactions. Bram’s Mom and I get along great…I think. She allowed me to call her by her first name, Tracy, so that’s a start. I just don’t think we’ve ever really had a chance to talk about anything but Bram, so our relationship is just a little one-note, but think we’re both okay talking about Bram that much.

 _Even after four years, Ms Every Time Including Oral strikes again!_  
_That’s great, I’ll call her tomorrow to get the details._  
_I’ll make her dinner._  
_Remind me, her favorite dish is baked salmon right?_

 _._  
..  
…  
_Yes. Simon, you’re too kind._  
_You don’t even like salmon._

_Yeah, but I love you._

_._  
..  
…  
_< <33_  
_That’s your big heart, still with me. I love you more._

_Impossible._

I fell asleep and woke up to my alarm and more textual love from Bram. I rolled out of bed, showered, and got Ian’s ass up for class. Leah already had an egg bake on the table with a note that said ‘Warm me for a minute in the microwave nerds.’ Ian stuffed an extra large portion in his mouth and strapped on his bag. I pulled us out the door and we jumped into Ian’s beat-up Buick to Acting IV.

At lunch I called Tracy and she let’s me know she’d be here Thursday night for a full day of lectures on Friday. She sounded excited to be asked to lecture and hopefully a good mood enough to hear me wanting to marry her son.

Tuesday came and went with nothing interesting to report (for dinner it was just Leah and me and I made us homemade pizza with a cauliflower crust and actually. Actually it wasn’t half bad. Normal crust is always better, but it wasn’t bad).

Wednesday night Leah and I were in the library, me searching for monologues and she posting up to help the Intro to Sociology class students write a big surprise essay assigned by a notoriously hard professor.

“I hope the sociology professors see the irony in making me slave away helping their students cause they’re too lazy.” Leah scoffed, chewing a big piece of pink bubblegum.

“Isn’t that the gig of a Teacher’s Assistant?” I’m burning through stacks of books I stole from the shelves and have a few to photocopy of already earmarked monologues from actor’s past.

“Be on the right side of history, Simon. I’m supposed to assist the teacher, not the student. I got the salmon, by the way, I pulled it from the freezer this morning.”

I gave her a puppy dog smile and head tilt. “This is why you’re the Queen.”

“Damn straight. Know what you’re going to say?”

“No,” I replied. “But I’ve landed the best people in my life by going in without a plan…pretty much my entire life is that.”

“I’m not here to be your English professor, Google how to set up a works cited page!” Leah shouted at a baby freshman. He ran off and frantically typed away at his laptop. “Trust your gut, Si, trust your gut. All of it except the part that thought a ferris wheel ring, though, throw that part in the trash.”

I scanned copies of the chosen monologues to work on and we went home. Abby and Nick Skyped us and we all caught up since leaving each other this summer. We planned trips and talked about classes and how Abby and Nick saw Benedict Cumberbatch walking in New York. I fell asleep that night as a usually do, texting Bram, and woke up Thursday morning to cook Leah and I omelets. The rest of the day flew by because before I knew it I was back at home prepping dinner.

I tidied up the apartment as Leah left to study at the library again. She was worried the students would still be there and ask her for helps so she, honest to God, wore a wig to throw them off. I chuckled as she sashayed out the door. Even though I don’t like to eat salmon, I’m a natural when it comes to cooking it and I had all the food ready as soon as Tracy knocked at the door. We hugged and exchanged kisses on the cheek as she presented a bottle of red wine. Then she flew past me into the kitchen and she checked the salmon.

After a deep inhale, she smiled. “Simon, I must say you know how to season.”

“Practice makes perfect, Tracy.”

We made small talk about her trip up here, which evolved into her career taking off. That quickly transitioned into the points she was covering in her lecture during the classes until we both finished eating, but she saw me playing with remnants of potatoes with my fork.

“So, Simon, what are your plans after college?”

“Oh, you know,” I started. “Bram and I were talking of living in New York for awhile. Professors here have some connections to companies there and if I play my cards right I can get some steady work right away. Bram said he’d love to write for the New York Times, so it’s a perfect move. He mentioned a professor there is on the staff and wrote him a great letter of recommendation, so that’s exciting. Hoping to focus on having fun this year too before we have to be full-fledged adults.”

“Sure sounds like the planning part of Bram rubbed off on you. He gets that from me, trust me.”

“Yeah, Bram is, the greatest, Tracy. I actually wanted to talk to you about Bram.”

I swallowed hard and set my fork down. I was still formulating the words, so I covered myself quickly and picked up the bottle of wine. I got the nerves I felt right before an audition. This audition, however, I couldn’t afford to screw up.

“Refill?”

Tracy nodded with a raised eyebrow and I topped off her glass.

“Seems you want me a little buzzed for this, Simon.”

The audition started. “Oh, no, no, not buzzed. It is custom to have a drink if you’re celebrating something.”

“Oh? What are celebrating tonight?”

Bram…Bram…Bram. Saying his name calmed my nerves. Picturing his lips and remembering his scent centered me.

“Tracy. I am so madly…deeply…overwhelmingly in love with Abraham. My life has been nothing like I could have imagined it or deserved it and it is because of him. I want to always be with him and, because of that, I wanted to make you aware of my intentions. Tracy, my intentions are to ask your son to marry me and before I do, I wanted to ask for your blessing as his mother.”

Tracy tilted her head in the way Bram does and covered her mouth with her right hand. A loud inhale through her nose told me she had an emotional reaction to the news, and I was hoping it was tears of joy. She dropped her hand and a large smile crossed her face (Bram got his smile from her. Definetely).

“Simon Spier. The fact that you...that you gave my son the courage…that you make my son happy…that you cooked me dinner and asked me…I see the way you look at my son and I see the way my son looks at you and even Elijah and I never looked at each other they way you both do. My goal as a mom was to give Abraham a great life and a better one than mine and it looks like this will be just another strong foundation to that claim.”

Tracy put her hand onto mind and squeezed it.

“Simon, you absolutely have my blessing.”

YES, YES,YES! With tears in both our eyes, we hugged each other. I poured the last of the wine between our glasses and we cheers to me, to Bram, and to us.

“Thank you, Simon. I know you didn’t have to do this and it means a lot to me that you did.” Then she became serious for a minute. “Do you intend on asking my ex-husband?”

Is that…a trick question?! Audition not over.

“Yes,” I began wearily. “I wanted to be sure I can tell Bram both of his parents gave me their blessing. I wanted to be sure that you both know how much I intend to love and care for your son. I’m not sure I can fully explain or find the right metaphors to show to what capacity I care for him, but I will spend the rest of my life trying to perfect it into a simple phrase that, when I figure it out, I will tell you.”

Tracy smiled and burst into a happy, crying laughter.

“Simon, since the moment we met, I never had a doubt that you would marry my son. I’m so happy and excited for both of you.”

A tear dropped down my face. What an enormous compliment from a mother to another about her son. I smiled and went on to explain to her when I was planning on proposing.

“Of course, how perfect! Do you have a ring?”

“Funny story, Tracy. Dad said that he’d help me with that, and I’m going to put my bet that he will deliver. After twenty-one years, he has yet to let me down.”

“Wonderful, I can’t wait to see it.”

“Yes, so I was still arranging how I wanted to propose and one scenario has me doing in front of my parents and you and Elijah.”

“Such an old soul in a young man. Why so formal?”

That’s a good question. Maybe…maybe it’s because Bram and my middle school and high school experience wasn’t conventional. And that maybe there is a comfort in being a part of a conventional process. Plus, it’s respectful and is bound to earn me brownie points with the possible new in-laws.

“I trust my gut, Tracy. My gut told me formal.”

“Trust your gut, Simon. It’s made all sorts of great decisions. But I have one, very important question for you.”

I cleared my throat. “Uh, yes, of course.”

“Do we have more wine?”

We laughed and Tracy explained that it’s getting late and excused herself back to her hotel room.

When I check my phone, I have a few missed texts from Bram.

 _Hey! I hope Mom is going easy on you._  
_Be careful, she will try to judge how you seasoned the fish, but I’m confident you’ll pass. I taught you well._  
_I can see you both eating the food right now and I’m super jealous I can’t be there._  
_Well, not super jealous if Mom talks about her lecture, which she will._  
_Text me when you can! I know you’re being courteous and won’t check your phone while she’s there._  
_I’m so confident in that fact that I’m going to send you a picture._

Below that text was a well-curated picture of Bram’s nether region.

 _Bram! Scandalous!_  
_Though you were right, Tracy just left. We finished a bottle of wine, sorry I got her tipsy!_  
_You’re right, she did talk about her lecture, but it’s focused on female anatomy, something we needn’t worry._  
_I love you Bram. I love you so much. And that picture, you better be careful or it may start something._

 _._  
_.._  
_…_  
_Start something, huh? I’m not afraid. Show me what you got! ;)_

You can imagine what the rest of the night turned into.


	5. Beer Pong: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying & Love Abby and Nick

The first show in the season was Spamalot. Nothing against the musical and to many, MANY people’s shock, it’s not my favorite show. Ian is also more of a stage and film actor, so he didn’t audition at all. Because of this, I was given an ensemble role and dramatically less rehearsal time in the evening and weekends which left a hole that could only be filled by an Abby & Nick filled weekend extravaganza!

Too much? Oh well. They’re coming this weekend and it’s been much needed since I haven’t seen them since the summer. Nick is tearing it up a Julliard in composition and is working a lot with both the vocal performers and the orchestra and has caught the eye of film studios in New York. Many people want to collaborate with him and it’s so great to see Nick become a break out star.

Abby has also had her share of business on the designing aspect. She designed sets for an off-Broadway production of ‘Reefer Madness’ as well as designed and created costumes for the school productions. She has turned into the stereotypical paint-covered human being who constantly hustles. Nick also connects her to his friends at Julliard to commission outfits for their recitals and even Glinda and Elphaba’s dresses for their performance of Wicked.

Needless to say, they are both constantly busy and we hear from them sporadically, but when we’re all able to connect, it’s like we never left Shady Creek. It’s what makes us work as a group: time has no impact on our friendships.

It’s been about a month since I spoke to Tracy and got her blessing and I’ve been coasting on happiness from her approval. One down, two to go, but Elijah has been more difficult to pin down for a talk.

Don’t get me wrong, Bram’s dad and I get along great, it’s just nerve wracking talking to any father of the person you’re planning on marrying. It’s scary, almost scarier than proposing to Bram. Why was it easier with Tracy? I guess easy was a subjective word. Maybe because we expect mothers to be more accepting than fathers. I don’t know if that’s true, but in this case of Tracy and Elijah, I think it is.

I try to call him and I always seem to get his voice mail. I’ll leave brief messages, but then he always texts back responding to whatever voice mail I left. It made me realize it’s probably why Bram acted the way he did in high school. Bram has grown since then, and I’d like to think I helped him. The only thing he didn’t out grow was how he surprised me with gifts in random spots he knew I’d look. Leah has helped him leave plenty of gifts for birthdays and for days that Bram just felt like sending me flowers or small care packages of Oreos. And he’s impacted me. I wear band shirts now.

“Yeah, he’s not the best person at communication,” Tracy told me when I called to ask for advice. “He means no ill will, Simon, understand that much.”

“Oh no, I don’t think that either. But do you think…and this is going to sound weird, but do you think there is any way I can sort of…trick him into seeing me in person?”

Tracy laughed over the phone as I stare my Elliot Smith poster above my bed. I put him there because now I think of Bram every time I see him. It makes me reflect on Bram boppin’ and groovin’ his head as he got himself to like Elliot Smith only because he was trying impress a boy in high school using a pseudonym.

“The only thing that man loves more than Bram is fishing. Talk him into a fishing trip and you got yourself at least a half-day.”

Great. Such a dad response to have to be distracted doing something else to talk about a totally unrelated subject. Also, as you may know, I never had the best time fishing. But it’s no longer about me, it’s about Bram and me.

“That shouldn’t be hard, New Haven is right on the water.”

“Sounds like you got this, son.” Tracy said with motherly warmth. It was weird to hear her call me son, but soon she wouldn’t be wrong to call me that. It’s becoming more and more real everyday that my future is rapidly approaching and it’s scary and new and fun and in the end I won’t be alone in my adventure. My heart beat increased and lips parted.

“Thank you…Mom.” I reply.

“Go get him tiger.”

The call ended and I let my phone fall on the bed. The fan rotated slowly around as it hypnotized me into thought. I thought about my life four short years ago. I had just discovered there was another person like me and the seemingly isolated journey of discovering I was a boy who liked boys was joined by another face. A Blue face.

Blue. Bram. Blue. Bram. Abraham Louis Greenfeld-Spier? Simon Jacob Spier-Greenfeld? Abraham Louis Speir? Simon Jacob Greenfeld? Which flowed off the tongue better? It just occurred to me that we’ll have to have that discussion of the last name. Or will we just keep our own? Should we create a new last name? I can cross that bridge later.

Bzzz.

Abby calling.

“Hey Abby,” I answered.

“Simon! Hi! How are you!?”

“Good, good,” I chuckled. “Are you guys close?”

“Yes we are, we’re about 10 minutes away. I miss you! You guys are still in the same apartment right?”

“You know it. Leah is not one to move more than she needs to.”

“Simon!” Nick yelled in the background.

“Nick says hi,” Abby confirmed.

“Everything is already set up, just waiting for you two crazy kids.”

“Prepare for a few drunken days, Si, it’s been awhile since either of us have been able to unwind!”

“She’s right!” Nick yelled again. “Stretch your liver, it’s going to get a work out.”

“Okay, okay, we’ll see you guys soon!”

“Byeeee!”

I head downstairs to see Leah and Ian chatting on the couch along with a few of Leah’s friends and some more theatre kids Ian brought with him.

“They’re almost here,” I announced.

“That means shots!” Ian shouted. “Last time they were here I made both of them puke and intend to do it again!”

“I think they’ll actually be on board this time, I guess they’re been working hard and haven’t had a lot of time to unwind.”

“We’re about to change that!” Ian exclaimed as he got other people ready to play a drinking game in the kitchen. Leah and I are left in the living room with a few stragglers.

“Hey.” Leah said. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just a lot on my mind, ya know? School, proposal, things like that.”

“No…” she said, squinting her eyes. “That’s not all of it. What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing…I mean, I guess that Bram’s been a little busy and quiet on the talking front the last few days and I’m trying not to fall into old habits.”

Ugh. I hate myself sometimes. I know Bram is busy. He told me he would be busy, Bram’s Nick told me he’d be busy. I tend to get like this once or twice per semester and get over it after buzz-texting Bram and talking it out with Leah (bless her heart). But I guess I’m more disappointed in myself that I’m letting past insecurities manifest.

“Come on, Si. You’re in the home stretch. Don’t retreat into the past, you’re moving forward with me.” Leah ordered.

She pulled me up and we went into the kitchen to join the group for shots. Leah was right, I need to stop making assumptions. That was the old me. New me is positive and optimistic and…and misses Bram. Need alcohol to counteract these thoughts. Leah and her friends are talking about some boring Sociology professor when suddenly.

“Si!”

Abby and Nick were in the doorway with arms stretched out. These two will also counteract my thoughts. I downed my shot and ran over and hugged Abby who jumped into my arms and wrapped her legs around me like a spider monkey. It was her new college thing and it makes people like her. I squeezed her in our hug and set her down as Nick ambled over and we hugged, on the ground.

“Hey guys! How was the trip?” Leah asked.

“Good, but we need alcohol and Solo cups.” Abby said with a smile.

“We have the alcohol!” Nick shouted as he brought into what people colorly refer to as a ‘dirty thirty.’ For those who have better taste, a dirty thirty is a case of thirty swill-water light beers and supply you with a healthy hangover the next day. That said, you can party longer because it’s basically water.

“And we have the solo cups,” I finished Nick’s sentence.

“First game!” Ian shouted. “Le Burke, you and me against Simon and Abby!”

“You’re on!” Abby replied as she pulled out some beers. The cups are filled as one does in a game of beer pong and the party begins.  However, Ian came over with additional beers and added more beer to our cups.

“Hey now,” Leah started. “We’re not all trying to get Ian drunk tonight, just a normal drunk.”

“This is our last year, we gotta live it up, take risks, make mistakes, and geeeeeetttt messy!”

Ian’s been watching the new Magic School Bus episodes on Netflix. The cups were now about two-thirds the way full as Ian crushed the cans and chucked them in the trash. Beer pong always made me think of Bram and the Halloween Party. Why isn’t Bram texting me back? I know he’s busy but...too busy for me? No! Leah’s right I need to get out of my head.

As the game unfolded, I’m making none of my shots as the ping-pong ball bounced around on the floor.

“Simon, what’s wrong!? Get your head in the game, we’re getting our asses kicked.” Abby pleaded. We only had four cups left and they had nine.

“Sorry! I’m trying, I’m trying.”

“Losers take shots, Simon!” Ian exclaimed across the table, pointing his finger at me. “And you take a shot of our choice.

My eyes widened. “Oh god please no-”

Ian pulled a plastic pitcher out of the fridge. Leah put her hand over her mouth in shock and because she felt nauseated. One night after a party about year ago, Ian thought it would be a fun idea to pool any leftover liquor into a sort of community chest of booze. Since then, various liquors have swirled around in that plastic pitcher and on random occasions it has been used as punishment to losers of drinking games.

“You still have that in there?” One of our theatre friends said laughing. “Oh no, Si, you’re fucked!”

Abby turned to me with determination. “I’m not drinking from that pitcher.”

“Let’s step it up,” I replied, agreeing.

“No, _you_ step it up, I’ve made all our shots!”

“Right, if we lose, I’ll take your shot.” I claimed.

“You all hear that? That’s a verbal contract,” Abby yelled. I smiled at her and noticed Nick wasn’t in the kitchen. I peaked my head around the corner and saw him in our living room (Ian’s bedroom) talking to a group of Leah’s friends. It’s strange, but we are playing a game in here so I suppose he got bored and left to mingle.

After drinking two beers, leaving us with only two cups left, I scored my first cup with a bounce.

“Yes!” Abby shouted as we high-five. “That’s two and we get the ball back!”

“Good job, Spier! Finally good to see you woke up and joined the game!” Ian yelled playfully. Leah, however, is not as nice as she knows what's on my mind and is pinching her eyes at me from across the table. She turned it off before Abby could notice and sipped her beer.

“Re-rack!” I shouted. “Diamond and one cup in front.”

“We got this.” Abby whispered as Ian and Leah arranged the cups per our request.

“We got this.” I replied.

We didn’t have it. I missed my shot and Ian and Leah both made their shots into the cups. And now I have to take two shots from the mystery pitcher as Abby Snapchats me doing so. Bram will probably see this and text me, right?

“Just think of it as a Long Island…but literally no coke, just pure alcohol.” Ian gloated.

First one down the hatch.

Uuuggghhhhhhhhh! What is that taste?! My face must have shown what my words didn’t because Ian, Leah, and Abby all laughed at my misery.

“Maybe one is enough,” Leah suggested, seeing my face, knowing my thoughts, and seeing where this could go.

“No way, verbal contract, Simon has too.” Ian defended.

I breathed in deeply and shot the second down my throat. God! Is that industrial cleaner?! I put the shot class down and breathed through my mouth so I didn’t taste the terrible flavor of old vodka, tequila, rum, and whatever the hell else is in that pitcher. The next game started and we all go into the living room to sit and chat. Nick rejoined us as the people he was talking to followed their friends into the kitchen to watch the game.

“Simon, how are you? Why does it feel so long since we’ve talked? We saw each other last month!” Nick started, clapping his hand on my shoulder.

The booze started to take its swimming affect on my head.

“I know! It’s only been a month, but it’s felt much longer. I don’t know, we must just miss each other cause we’re good friends.” I replied smiling and throwing my arm around his shoulder.

“That’s it.” Nick said, poking my chest with this finger.

Leah, Abby, and Ian were catching up across the coffee table on the couch and I realized I haven’t told them about my proposal. I stood up.

“Hey, Abby, Nick, I have something to tell you guys.”

“You’re not going to break into another drunken monologue from a show, are you?” Nick said. “I mean, I love you, Si, but I don’t know if we’re drunk enough for that.” Leah and Abby laughed.

“No! I’m not drunk enough for that either. But no, I have something I want to tell you guys. I have decided…”

I pulled out my phone and saw no new notifications.

“Decided what?” Abby asked, snapping my attention back.

“Sorry, I have decided to propose to Bram.”

A scream louder than time emanates from Abby’s vocal cords as we all wait for it to be over and then she jumped up and down and back into my arms. People from the kitchen poked their head into the room to see if everything is okay and I give them a thumbs up. Nick stood and smiled his wide Nick smile, all teeth. As soon as Abby released me from her hug, Nick came in and hugged me too.

“That’s amazing, Si. You and Bram are perfect together.” Nick congratulated, sipping his beer.

“He’s so right!” Abby added. “You two have been the gold standard of relationships since high school!”

“What about you two? You and Nick have dated as long as Bram and I have! If anything we’ve learned from each other.”

Abby pressed her lips and swallowed her smile. Her eyes looked at Nick who looked to the weathered carpet as his thumb flicked the lip of the solo cup. Leah’s eyes pursed as her eyebrows fell towards her ears, fearing for the worst. It was quiet for a bit as all of us stared at one another until I broke the silence.

“Did…did you guys break up?” I asked in a raspy voice.

Nick inhaled and took Abby’s hand. She shook her head and then her standard Abby smile returned.

“We did.”

My mind did back flips. How? Why? The only other couple that I’ve known my age to last as long as Bram and I have is ending? If they could end, can Bram and I end? Will he say no if I propose?

“You’re smiling?” Leah asked, eyebrow cocked. Her statement snapped me out of my thoughts and onto Nick and Abby who were, indeed, smiling.

“Yes,” Abby started. “Look, we would have told you sooner…but we didn’t want to send anyone into a panic.”

“You mean send Simon into a panic,” Leah corrected.

“Maybe.”

“But what happened?” I asked, drunkenly curious even though it was none of my business.

“Nothing really happened, Si.” Nick started. “It’s not like I cheated or she cheated or it was some big spectacle. It’s hard to explain, but it was a completely amicable and positive…finale to the romantic part of our relationship. Finales aren’t a bad thing, Si. Our relationship as friends and everything we shared during our time together isn’t gone, we’re not going anywhere from any of you, we’re not dividing up the friend group. Nothing’s changing.”

“He’s right, Si. Finale is the best way to say it. Now it’s on for another beginning for both of us.” Abby added.

“But I still don’t understand.” I uttered, unable to be satisfied with the answer.

Nick was about to say something and stopped when Abby placed her hand on his knee.

“Simon, we know how you are. And another reason we were waiting to tell you is because of how you’d react. The story is simple. We both realized one day that we were living the parts of being a couple and enjoyed it, but it lacked the…drive and depth of a relationship. When you’re surrounded by people who are good at being in a relationship and you see all the love and little quirks and dumb things and inside jokes but don’t see any of that in your _own_ relationship, it raised red flags. Then when we thought about it and talked about it and it was like our relationship was on autopilot. We realized we love each other, but not in the romantic way we once felt.”

How long are Bram and I going to be together before he feels this way? When will he look at other people’s relationships, other boys and see himself happier and more alive with them? If Abby and Nick couldn’t make the cut, could Bram and I?

Abby knocked on the side of my head kinda hard because she was becoming irritated.

“Simon, don’t you for one second try to compare your relationship with Bram to ours.” She said pointing at me. “You weren’t inside of this relationship, you didn’t see it when it was just me and Nick, so there is no way you can compare it. Promise me right now, Simon.”

I stared at her, wiping beer from corner of my mouth.

“Promise me!” She shouted.

“Promise,” I complied. I partially believe her. It didn’t help all the way, but it helped a little.

“Told ya, Bram was ri…oh shit.” Nick started, and caught himself when it was too late. Abby slapped Nick’s knee and her bugged eyes stared lasers that burned through Nick’s skull.

“Wait, Bram knew you two broke up?” I questioned. Nick placed his head on his hand. “For how long?”

Abby stood up. “I need another beer.” She walked to the kitchen, leaving Nick in the mess he made.

“Okay, Si, you have to promise me you can’t get mad. We called Bram last month when it happened because we didn’t know who else to talk to about it who knew both of us so well. We wanted to tell you, dude, we did, but we know how you get and didn’t want to upset you.”

“Why wouldn’t Bram tell me?” I asked out loud, sipping my beer.

“Because we made him promise not to tell you, Simon, you can’t be mad at him. He promised his friends and you know how hard Bram takes promises. When he saw us he could tell-”

“He visited you in New York?”

Nick mouthed the word ‘fuck.’ Is that why he hasn’t been texting me much lately? Because if he can’t talk to me, he can’t lie to me? Our conversations have been light and fluffy, both on the phone and texting when we can. What else could he not be telling me then? Do I know Bram?

“Nick, go get a beer and send Ian’s ass in here,” Leah ordered, moving to the coffee table to sit directly in front of me. “If you don’t get out of your head right now about this Simon, you’re going to regret it.”

“Yeah, but-“

“No, Simon, no buts. You love Bram Greenfeld, he loves you, and the only thing he’s guilty of is being a good friend. If _you_ needed him here, he would drop everything in a second and by any means come to your side. He is stupidly, grossly, uncontrollably in love with you. I hate to say this to you, Simon, because you’ve been so good about it lately, but don’t Spier this up.”

Ian walked in and could see the stern looks on our faces and his demeanor changed from one of partying to one of concern.

“Hey, guys, everything…good?”

“Talk some sense into him,” Leah said, “I need a refill.”

Leah never left unless she was upset. I know I may be drunk and I know I may be irrational because I’m drunk, but am I being that irrational? I don’t think it’s unfair to bring up the topic, for example, that Nick and Abby a least lived in the same city as each other. Did I not try enough to get into Baltimore? Did Bram not try hard enough to get into Yale?

“Abbs and Nick told me just now, that sucks man, but they seem happy so that’s what’s important, right?”

He was right. I closed my eyes and threw my head on my hands.

“I’m being selfish, aren’t I?”

“No, no, no, dude, I totally understand. It’s natural to have these feelings, especially when you’re about to propose to your boyfriend.” He responded warmly. “But Bram is Bram, Nick is Nick, and Abby is crazy loud. Just cause they’re relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean yours won't.”

I looked up at him. His eyes appeared unnaturally emerald. He smiled and lifted his eyebrows.

“You are welcome to feel about it how you want, but remember they need you here for them as well. And they came here to party and visit you. And Le Burke, of course. They drove from the greatest city in the world to Connecticut to spend the weekend with you. Let’s show them a good time.”

Ian tapped and squeezed my knee…and a familiar…warmth…overcame me.

“Bucker up Buttercup and let’s rematch Le Burke’s ‘Sosh’ friends and show them how overly complicated actors can kick their butts at pong!”

He pulled me up with him and his bicep pressed against his t-shirt cuff in an impressive, masculine manner.

“Yeah, I’ll be in there in a minute. Thanks, dude.”

“Of course, Si. You got this man. You are so close to the finish line, focus on the prize.” He smiled, downed the rest of his beer, and winked at me with a follow up finger gun.

My head felt like it was floating as I found it bopping to the beat of the music.

Bzzz.

Bram  
_Hi Si, I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately. Nick told me he let it slip that him and Abby broke up. I’m so sorry, I wanted so badly to tell you, but I promised I wouldn’t. You understand, right?_

I did understand, but my drunk mind was also upset that he couldn’t trust me with the information either. Was my drunk brain right? Probably not, but right now I couldn’t help but let that side of me take over. Mystery Pitcher was winning.

_I do_

.  
..  
…  
_Si, I know you’re not okay with it. I wish I could do something to make you feel better._  
_Please understand your trust means everything to me._  
_I love you <<33_  
_And your big heart._

How dare he. How dare he do that to me right now. How dare he make me love him when I’m trying to be mad at him.  How dare it kind of work.

_I know it deos and I do turst you_

“Si?” Ian peaked his head in. “Off your phone and out of your head and _on_ this game of pong!” Ian’s head disappeared.

My phone buzzed again, but I don’t look at it. If I talk to Bram more I will get over it and I want to be mad at him for a little longer. Irrational? Yes, but since when have I been a totally rational guy?

We lose that game too, much to Ian’s drunken and slurry shouts. I am to the point of being drunk where I can say I know I’m drunk and I tell that to myself. I also notice more of Ian’s arms and chest and has his butt always looked like that?

“Oh, wow. I’m drunk.” I said out loud. Ian looked over at me and laughed and I notice his hazel eyes, the kind of hazel when leaves are green-brown in the fall.

“That’s my cue,” Leah cut in. “Off to bed, Si-Si.” She easily pulled my arm and set my drink down while she lead me to my bedroom. She got me into bed and I was quiet the entire time.

“Am I a bad friend?” I asked in drunken honesty.

“No, Simon, you’re a great friend. We just…do certain things because we know that you are sensitive.”

“So I’m a bad friend.” I concluded. “You guys can’t even trust me with basic information about other friends. That doesn’t sound like a good friend.”

“Si, that has no correlation with being a bad friend. We all know each other’s…issues and know how to respond accordingly. I’d say you’d have to be a great friend for your friends care and do that for you.”

“Am I a bad boyfriend?” I asked, teary-eyed.

“Simon Jacob…no. You’ll feel better tomorrow. Water is on your night stand. Sleep.” Leah kissed my forehead and let herself out. I stared at my Elliot Smith poster and think of Bram. I closed my eyes.

I opened my eyes and sit up in bed to check my phone. I must have only fallen asleep for a few minutes because I still hear the noise of the party. I text Ian.

_Can you come to my room?_

.  
..  
…  
_Yeah! Be up in a sec._

I heard him softly open the door and Drake flowed in. He shut it behind him and Drake returned to being muffled. I personally like hearing Drake muffled.  I felt him sit on my bed near my chest.

“What’s up? Everything okay?”

I sat up on my elbow and looked at him.

“Yeah, just feel a little embarrassed.”

“Embarrassed why?”

“I feel like I let you down.”

“Dude, how? Here, have some water.”

Ian leaned over to grab the glass and I couldn’t help myself. I kissed him. It felt weird, but it felt like a good kiss. He pulled away, shocked and breathing hard. I stared at his eyes and he stared back until he came in and kissed me back, pulling my head towards his, pressing our lips against each other.

I jerked awake in my bed and ripped the covers off my body to find it was morning. I ran out of my room and stomped down the stairs to see Ian sleeping on the couch, leg hanging out from under the sheet, mouth open, but not snoring. I shook him.

“Ian, Ian!”

He groggily opened his eyes in a confused manner.

“Wha-What? What’s wrong dude, is everything okay?”

“Did we kiss last night?!” I whispered scream.

“What?” he said in a more awake, but more confused tone.

“Did we kiss last night??”

“Dude, no, gross,” he said, a weight felt lifted off my chest. “You were pretty far gone and passed right out after we lost the game. Then Le Burke and I played and kicked ass again and I passed out here. Ask her yourself.” He tilted his head up at the stairs and I turned to see Leah, arms crossed, in her white, fluffy robe. I stood up from the couch and Ian almost immediately fell back asleep.

I remember then Bram texted drunk-me last night and drunk-me never read it because drunk-me is fucking idiot.

Bram  
_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine._  
_You make me happy, when skies are grey._  
_You’ll never know, Si, how much I love you,_  
_so please don’t take my sunshine away._

My lip trembled and I couldn’t help but cry in the middle of the living room. Leah came over and hugged the side of me as the sun cut through our living room curtain and painted golden light on my chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly obvious title reference to 'Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying & Love the Bomb


	6. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

Leah came with me to Walgreens to get items to put into Bram’s care package. Abby and Nick were still asleep and Ian decided to go home and sober up for tonight’s partying. She went into the store to start on my list because I called Bram to apologize.

“Hi handsome,” Bram’s voice came with a layer of heart and warmth that dripped into my ear.

“I don’t deserve that today,” I started as I shuffled in the passenger seat.

“Stop, Si.”

“If I made you feel bad in any way, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, honest. What can I do to make you feel better?”

I scoffed in guilt. “Here I am trying to apologize to you and you’re the one asking what you can do for me.”

“Simon,” Bram began. “I know how hard this is, believe me. You have no idea how much Baltimore Nick has to listen to me talk things out. But what is important is how we communicate like we are now. When either of us is feeling something, we just need to let the other know. If I could hold you right now, I would tuck myself so close to your chest so I could hear my heart beat in your chest.”

“I miss you so much. I thought it would be easier, but I was wrong, it’s so much harder.”

“I made the same assumption too. I’ve been listening to Elliot Smith more and more, which is counter-productive because the lyrics really are depressing. Remember this, Simon: you’re no longer alone in this, we’re in this together.”

“I’m glad you’re with my goofy butt, Bram. In spite of all my craziness.”

Bram exhaled and I swore I could feel his soft breath on my ear. “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you Simon. I see a man with perpetual sexy bedhead. I see your moon-grey eyes explore my face with beautiful awe. I see a man willing to do anything and everything for the sake of others at the expense of himself because that’s how much other people mean to him. I see a boy who I had eyes for since freshman year of high school. Look in the mirror, Si, through my eyes and you’ll understand.”

“I’ll work on that, B, I promise.”

“Simon Jacob Spier.”

“Abraham Louis Greenfeld.”

“I will see you soon.” He could feel Bram’s smile stretch across his phone as well as the pang in his voice that he was hungry for my flesh.

The ‘I love you’ chorus sang between us and I hung up. My screensaver of Bram popped up, a picture I screenshot from his Instagram. I barely kept any apps on my home screen so I could always stare at him when I needed him most. It’s such a strange gift, being able to affect another person’s mood only with the power of existing.

I left Leah’s car and walked into the Walgreens to find her reading a magazine on the floor.

“How’d it go?” Leah asked, not looking up from her issue of National Geographic.

“Exactly how you said.” I admitted, hand on the back of my neck.

“I swear to god it almost feels like I’m dating you guys too.” She replied, placing the magazine back on the shelf.

“How have you done it?” I ask her, looking for an honest answer.

“I don’t know, I’m not getting any out of it either,” she responded jokingly, standing up with my help.

“I’m serious. Leah.”

Leah rolled her eyes, “Do we have to do this in a Walgreens?” She started to walk towards the food aisle, knowing the first item that will go into Bram’s care package. I caught her by her arm and stopped her.

“We do…I just feel…ever since I knew I am going to propose, I’ve regressed into my high school self where I’m…an idiot and stumble over even small and easy things with you guys and Bram. You’re keeping me balanced, Leah, and I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Leah hugged me in the middle of the aisle as an older lady looked at greeting cards. She noticed us and crossed her hands on her chest.

“You’re right, Simon,” Leah said, “you have regressed a little because you’re making me being a friend a big deal! Spier, are you going to regress to the point where you’re back in the closet?”

We laughed and walked towards the Oreos. Walgreens is a different store right when it opens. The employees still have a sparkle of hope in their eyes. Leah and I discussed the pros and cons of double stuff verses regular Oreos when I finally tell her what I’ve been thinking since I knew I wanted to propose to Bram.

“Leah, you’re going to have to be my Best Person, you know that right?”

She shot me a confused look and smiled. “That’s how you’re asking me to be your Best Person? As a joking demand?”

“It actually seemed the most fitting way to do it to be honest,” I defended.

A large smile grew across her face. “You’re actually right for once in your life, Si.”

We checked out and I added the Double Stuff Oreos (I won that argument) to my care package that also had additional snacks, stereotypical college food, new CDs for him to listen to (yes we both still buy CDs), a pack of legal writing pads that he loves to use in his journalism classes, pencils and pens with his name embroidered on them, a framed picture of us from this summer, and a bottle of vodka, the only liquor that doesn’t make Bram too nauseated. We dropped it off at the post office and the worker seemed shocked to see two college-age kids in there at nine A.M.

“Sorry about last night.” I said on our way back to the apartment.

“You don’t really have anything to apologize for, you just got drunk and…Simony.”

“I know, but…I felt like we didn’t talk about how Abby and Nick felt really. Like I stole focus.”

“Well, you did,” Leah replied laughing, “but I think it was wanted. It didn’t seem like they wanted to discuss it.”

“I’ll make it up to them. I’ll cook breakfast.”

“I know none of us will say no to that.”

Once we’re home, Nick and Abby are awake and lounging in the living room. We all caught up while I cooked breakfast and they cleaned up remnants of the party from last night.

“So other than those major projects for school, I also have been commissioned to do a piece for another Off-Broadway show.” Abby finished.

“Sounds like a good problem to have,” Leah said, throwing the solo cups into our recycling bin.

“Truer words have never been spoken.” Abby replied, sipping on water.

“So guys, breakfast is ready.” I turned around and had two plates ready to go for Nick and Abby and we sit at the former pong table. “View this as an official apology for last night.”

Both Abby and Nick tilted their heads in mild annoyance.

“Like we told you last night, nothing to apologize for. BUT!” Abby shouted, “We did gloss over the fact that you are marrying Bram!”

“Proposing to, yes, I am!” I shouted back as I bring Leah and my plates. “Right now the plan is propose in Shady C over our break on our anniversary with rings provided by my Dad.”

“Ahhh! So we’ll all still be in the city!”

“I hope so, it’s at the end of January right before classes start, will that work for you guys?”

“For you and Bram? We’ll make it work,” Nick replied, stuffing egg and sausage into him mouth.”

“I also got his mom’s blessing when she visited last month and I’m still waiting to speak to his Dad but he is a hard man to talk to now that Ruth is in kindergarten.”

Abby stared at me with a dropped jaw as Nick reminded steadfast at eating.

“You’re asking his parents?! That is so cute!”

“I’m hoping to convince his Dad to come fishing to at least lure him up here.”

“Was that a pun?” Nick said, laughing.

“Not intentionally,” I replied.

The rest of our Saturday was stereotypical college student life: movies, booze, GrubHub order, light marijuana use, more booze, and then the bars that evening. New Haven is a great New England town in the fall and the leaves crunched beneath our shoes as we walked to the second bar of the night.

“So I want to say this only once more and then I’ll leave it alone. You guys doing okay since the break up?”

Nick and Abby stared at each other.

“We really are,” Nick answered. “Bram was a huge help too, not to say that to make you upset, but-”

“No, no, I’m sorry guys,” I responded. “I shouldn’t have reacted like that and I have no right to. Bram is his own person and I shouldn’t be so…territorial.”

“You’re not territorial, Si,” Leah said between handing us our drinks.

“Yeah, I am. Or was. I don’t know. Last night took me back to the insecure Simon and I didn’t like that. I’m so, so happy Bram was able to help you guys, and I need to work on trust.”

“Si, we can’t really pretend to understand how it was like to be outed or come out in general,” Nick said with a sympathetic smile. “But if you actually have trust issues, they’re valid. It’s okay to feel feelings.” He finished, laughing. “That’s a weird sentence, but don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“I guess…I just…I think it all stems back from me thinking that…”

I haven’t ever told anyone this, not Leah, not Bram, not Ian. I was weighing being honest as my friend’s concerned eyes stared at me as we walked to a table.

“I guess I have never felt like I’m good enough for Bram, like he will wake up one morning and realize he’s only been with some weird kid from his high school and discover that I’m not enough for him.”

There. It was out there. I finally said it. There was some relief in being honest about my feelings, especially something I’ve felt since Bram and I started dating. Bram has never made me feel this way, let me put that out there. It’s all my brain, all of my psychosis.

“Simon…” Abby pulled my hand to her, Leah placed hers on top, and even Nick put his hand on the pile.

It was already helpful to be able to say those things out loud and I think they understood that I needed to get through those feelings myself, but their hands on my hand made me realize that I’m not alone, ever, no matter what. I know it’s cheesy but sometimes you need to hear the cheesy Hallmark card sentences.

“How could you think you’re not good enough?” Nick asked.

“You may be a weird kid from high school, but that doesn’t mean it makes Bram love you less.” Leah added.

“In fact, it probably helped you,” Abby finished as she flashed her Abby smile. “Simon, I know there’s nothing we can really say otherwise until you believe it yourself, but you’re a catch, Bram is lucky to have you just as much as you are lucky to have him.”

“Yeah, you need some self-esteem.” Nick said blatantly. After some stares from Abby and Leah, he continued. “I mean, you…naw, you need to work on your self-esteem. Cause if you don’t, the constant doubt and questioning will end up hurting you the most. And Bram may not want to stay around to watch you do that to yourself.”

“Easier said that done.” Leah said. “But he’s right, Si. As soon as you look at your relationship as a partnership instead of…however you look at it now, all of this doubt will go away.”

I know it wasn’t any business of mine, but I couldn’t help myself and asked.

“Was that why you two split up?” They looked at one another and now I felt like a dick. “Sorry, I’m just the worst person this weekend.”

“No, no it’s fine,” Abby said, sipping her beer. “We both had kinda the opposite problem. Too much pride.”

“Relationships are about give and take and I don’t think we ever found that rhythm. Both can’t give and not take.”

“It’s like if two tops tried to date.” I said, letting it slip out before stopping myself. Nick’s eyes bugged out as Abby started laughing until all of us were laughing at my dumb joke.

After that, the rest of the night was spent like we never left Shady Creek. Memories were talked about and conversation moved quickly and anytime a song came on that Abby liked we danced in the booth. Once the bar closed we swung by the late night pizza place and got some food while discussing the merits of Katy Perry’s latest album (I gave her an A for effort and Nick defended the album with the old ‘she’s hot’ argument).

The next day, I woke up to a text from Bram.

_I was told today I can have that weekend off! I can’t wait to see you. :)_

There’s no better way to start your day than having your boyfriend confirm a weekend together. Bram worked part time at WBAL as their social media intern who they also made work most weekends. He got to write the summary sentences of articles or links to the news stories on their website as well as respond to comments on their Facebook page postings. It wasn’t the most glamorous job, but it gave him experience and he liked that part.

I woke up Leah to sweet talk her into letting me borrow her car to drive to Baltimore and she said yes, but there was a price. I had to wake up to cook breakfast every morning until the weekend I needed it and I felt that was a fair trade off.

This morning, however, I didn’t cook breakfast and we all went to grab food together before Nick and Abby drove back to New York. When they visit, it never felt like we had enough time together.

“I wish we could stay longer,” Abby cutely pouted.

“I know I can’t convince you guys to stay in New Haven over New York, but I’ll never stop trying.” Leah responded as they hugged.

“So I’m assuming we’ll all see each other next during Thanksgiving?” I confirmed.

“You know it.” Nick replied as we hugged. “I love New York, but it’s nice to get out every once in a while, remember that there are smells other than garbage and smog.”

We laughed as I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. It’s Bram’s Dad. I excused myself from the group.

“Simon, how are you?”

“Great,” I answered, a bit shocked. “How about you?”

“I’m also doing fine. So listen, I know you’ve been trying to get a hold of me and I thought I’d let you know that we’ll be in Boston visiting the wife’s family this coming weekend. If you were interested, we could try meet. I know you’ve been wanting to talk to me in person per your messages.”

I could hear a hint of annoyance in his voice, but as long as I annoyed him into at least seeing me, I can ask him. I didn’t want to ask either of Bram’s parents over the phone unless I absolutely had to, so I’m glad Bram’s step mom’s family lives in Boston.

“Yes, yes that sounds great! I was thinking, if you’re up for it, that we could meet in Provincetown and do some fishing?”

Did I sound as weird as I felt saying that sentence? I must have because all of my friends stopped talking and stared at me.

“I didn’t think you still had fishing in you, Simon. That sounds great, I will be sure to pack my poles.”

His tone was more relaxed after I mentioned fishing. Thank you Tracy Greenfeld.

“Super!” I jumped and pumped my arm at the audience of my friends. “Also, I know this will sound weird, but can you not tell Bram we’re doing this?”

There was a gut-wrenching pause on the line. I couldn’t say that sentence without sounding weird. Nick shook his head and smiled at me as I flipped him off.

“Okay,” he started. “Can I ask why?”

“Yes, but I won’t be able to tell you until we see each other.”

Another pause as I placed my free hand on the back of my neck. Abby had her fingers crossed and Leah leaned on the car waiting for the call to be over.

“Okay, I’m sure you have your reasons. I won’t tell him.”

Wonderful! I finally got him to spend some one on one time with me. Before I hung up, I gave Bram’s dad the information on where we’d meet to fish. Since speaking to Tracy, I had tried to find the best place in the area to fish and you couldn’t go wrong with Cape Cod.

“Fishing? You?” Leah said.

“Gotta make sure Elijah is in a good mood when I ask for his blessing. He loves fishing and we’ll be out in the ocean, so good views too? That’s important when you fish, right?”

“So you’re going on boat, alone, into the ocean with the father of your boyfriend of whom you’re going to tell him you’re planning on marrying his son?” Nick teased.

“Yeah.”

“If you disappear, I think we’ll start with Elijah.”

“Shut up and get back to New York.”

It was always hard to see my friends leave after they visited. Abby waved goodbye until they turned the corner to head back to New York.

"Can I borrow the car this weekend?" I asked hands folded in a begging manner.

"Duh," Leah said, rolling her eyes as she followed me back inside.

I couldn’t really concentrate the entire week, trying to figure out the best way to ask Bram’s father.

“Dude, just ask it,” Ian said to me. We were in our final acting class and in between scene studies of our classmates.

“I don’t think I can with Elijah.” I answered. “He’s…not scary, but he’s hard to read and that makes me nervous.”

“If he said no, would that prevent you from still proposing?”

I’ve been so focused on preparing what I’m going to do when I propose that I didn’t think of that part. Which is bad because I still don’t know where in Shady Creek I would take him or what I’d do. I need to figure that out soon, but first I needed to get past this weekend.

“The thought of not marrying Bram is worse than Elijah saying no.” I answered. “I’d…probably still do it even if he didn’t say yes.”

Ian laughed, “Then why even ask him? Isn’t asking permission a dated step in marrying someone these days?”

“Yeah, but it seems right to do ask. When it comes to Bram, I want to make sure to do everything right so that the proposal is perfect and then we can plan the wedding together because as you’ve probably noticed, I’m not the best planner.”

“Dude, I think you’re doing well for winging it.” Ian said drinking some water. “Brammy is going to love whatever you do. Do you know how you’re going to ask yet?”

“Ugh…no.”

“He likes soccer, would you want to do it on a soccer field? Oh my god, you should! Then you can have Bram’s family and friends on Bram’s side of the field and your family on your side and you can have them stand as Forwards, Midfielders, and Defenders and oh! You and Brammy and both of your parents can be the Forwards!”

I stared at Ian with bugged eyes. He noticed and laughed.

“You’ve thought a lot about this huh, Ian. You sure you don’t want to marry Bram?”

“Don’t tempt me with a good time,” Ian joked back. “But Bram is missing something that I would never be able to get past.”

“Boobs?”

Ian put his hand on my shoulder, “Boobs.”

Ian did have me thinking the rest of the week. I really wished everyone didn't hate my high school idea because all of the significant places we were, we spent the most time in that damn high school. I can’t really propose in our either of our bedrooms because one there is not enough space if I invite people and two I’d probably get distracted and we’d just end up having sex and I’d forget to propose.

Would it be cheesy to do it in the parking lot when we had out first lunch and kiss as a couple?"

The more I thought about it, the more and more it did make sense. Bram still has his old car and maybe I could convince the manager to let us go into the store after hours.

“Hmmm…” Leah thought after I told her the idea. It was Thursday night and we were waiting for our lasagna to finish cooking.

“You hate it.” I asked leaning back in my chair, headed back to square one.

“I don’t…hate it…but it also just doesn’t seem like the most romantic place to propose.”

You weren’t in the car with us when we ate Oreos and kissed while it rained.

“We really didn’t have a place outside of school. Our places ended up being in the lunch room or the fair or…”

That’s it. It was the place we built the foundation of our relationship. All of those moments happened at high school. And as weird or tacky others may feel it is, they didn’t have the relationship Bram and I had. They didn’t have the emails that both Bram and I pined over when we didn’t know who the other was. I have to ask him at Creekwood. It’s where Bram and I discovered each other.

“What is it, Si?” Leah asked as I have been staring into space.

“When I propose, it’s happening at Creekwood.”

“Si, I thought-”

“I know, everyone else thought it was a bad idea, but you told me to trust my gut about this proposal and my gut is screaming Creekwood. It’s the best place, it has our history. We were in the parking lot on a ferris wheel when he kissed me. How could it be anywhere else?”

Leah looked at me with loving eyes and let a smile grow on her face, very un-Leah like.

“What,” I started. “You’re scaring me.”

“I think you should do it.”

“Yeah?!”

“Yeah. You’re right, it all happened there and I know Bram would love it too.”

My stomach warmed and twilled and back flipped out of excitement. Finally got someone on my side with Creekwood and now I can even tell Bram’s Dad where I’m going to do it if he asks!

“Ah! I means a lot you are on board with this.”

Leah was quiet again and I even swore she was tearing up.

“Leah? You okay? Now you’re really scaring me.” I joked.

“I’m just so happy for you and Bram…Can you propose as soon as possible so we can all be happy together?!”

“I’m trying to make January come as fast as I can.”

I could hear both my Dad and Ian say ‘that’s what she said’ in my head.

Leah hugged me and made us watch a horror movie so she could, in her words, get out of this lovey-dovey mood.

I woke up on Friday and the feeling of happiness was soon overshadowed by my nerves of Bram’s dad. Luckily I woke up to a text from Bram.

_I received your care package my amazing boyfriend. Thank you so much, I love it all <<33_

_Hey cutie :)_

.  
..  
…  
_Hey handsome :) How’s your Friday?_

_Good. Kinda nervous_

.  
..  
…  
_Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have an audition coming up?_

Ironically, he wasn’t entirely wrong, so I won’t be entirely lying.

_Yeah, it’s a really good role and I want it so bad_

.  
..  
…  
_Then you’ll get the part! Once you set your mind to something, you get it!  
It’s how you got me.  <3_

_You’re just saying that cause you love me._

.  
..  
…  
_True, but you’re also super talented._  
_And super cute._  
_You have me talking in fragments when I think about you too much_

 _I’m always talking in fragments, you’ve been tripping me up since you were Blue._  
_You’re already making me feel good about the audition._

.  
..  
…  
_Glad I can help. I love you, break a leg!_

_< 3 <3 <3_

It helped me get through the rest of the day, but I was super distracted in my acting my theatre history class and couldn’t focus. I fantasized about proposing to Bram alone. Just him and me and the ring. Then I pictured kissing him and running my hands down his back onto the curve of his butt. Bram would pull me close to him and smile between a kiss, loving when my hands found their way back there. It was good I was sitting as it would be embarrassing to walk in my basketball shorts.

I calm myself down and run home to beat Leah so that I could…uh…take care of myself after class. It had been the longest two months away from Bram and his good heart and beautiful body wasn’t making it easier. Once I threw away the tissue, I began packing my suitcase. Bram would have already packed last week for this trip had he been going. I smile and pack the Elliot Smith shirt he got me. I’ll need him there in spirit more than ever.

Leah and Ian came home together as to follow the same path as last weekend. I turn down drinking because I have to be up early to get to Provincetown.

“Know what you’re going to say yet?” Ian asked, chugging a beer.

“No, I think I’ll try to bring it up casually in conversation. When we talk, it usually finds its way to Bram. It’s really the only thing we have in common.” I said laughing.

“Trust that gut, Si, you got this.” Ian answered, crushing the can and letting out a loud burp. I looked to Leah to catch her legendary eye roll. But she didn’t roll her eyes. She was laughing. Strange, but I suppose people evolve. But does Leah evolve like that? Last year she would have scoffed and left the room.

“You’ll be fine, Si. Go into it like you did with Tracy and you’ll be alright.”

With that, they left to meet some theatre kids at a bar so I could sleep.

I dreamt about Bram. I dreamt we were back on the ferris wheel and that we couldn’t stop kissing. It was a great gift from the universe to give me that subconscious boost of confidence. It was interrupted, however, by my alarm. I got up and grabbed the keys to Leah’s car. She left them on the kitchen counter next to luke warm waffles and a note.

‘Use the Belgian waffles as fuel to get your man! – Ian’  
‘Si, the waffles were from me, but Ian helped stir the batter. There’s an ice coffee in the fridge for you. - <3 Leah’

I opened the fridge to a large cup and grabbed it with a smile. The four hour drive went a lot faster than I expected. Bram recently got into making his own playlists for me of music he found himself listening too. I loved everything he sent me, but maybe it’s because I know he picked it and I love him.

The one thing he did pick up from me was listening more to older music than current pop or hip-hop. 90s R&B was his jam at the moment and he also mixed in 80’s stadium rock. It was quite the eclectic mix that helped keep me awake along with the ice coffee. Bram also snuck in some love songs and I swooned quietly on the road towards the Atlantic Ocean.

I arrived early enough to meet Elijah at a breakfast place. Wanting to make a good first impression, I wanted to arrive first. I walked in and asked for a table for two.

“Simon!”

Or so I thought. Bram’s father was in a booth and waved me over. I waved awkwardly because I can’t help myself and I go to the booth to sit.

“Coffee?” He asked.

“Yeah, love some.” That was a lie, I had to pee but I underestimated that Bram’s father would be so much like Bram and beat me here. Elijah poured  a cup from the pot left on the table by the singular cook who also was the waiter.

“So how is Ruth doing? I can’t believe she’s in kindergarten now.”

“You and me both, Simon. She’s good, though she doesn’t like to be called Ruth ever since she started. She wants to go by Ruby now.”

“Kids make fun of her already? She’s in kindergarten.”

Elijah picked up his cup and placed it too his lips while his eyebrows answered. “Yeah, I guess that’s the way the world is headed.” He licked the coffee droplets off his mustache with this tongue.

“So, I was able to rent a ship, just us two. Bluefish Tuna. He’ll be ready for us in about forty-five minutes.”

“Simon,” Elijah started. “You said you would tell me why I couldn’t tell my son you were meeting me. Are you ready to tell me?”

Is this how Dads treat all guys who try to date their children? Dad wasn’t like this to Bram, was he?

“Y-Yes,” I tripped over my words. “I wanted to talk to you while we were fishing, but I can talk now.”

The cook arrived with a plate of eggs and extremely buttery toast.

“Same thing for him,” Elijah ordered and the cook complied, walking back to the grill. “If you want to wait, Simon, we can wait.”

Okay, am I looking into things or is this starting to feel like an interrogation? He started digging in as I grasped my coffee mug and took a sip. It’s not that hot and it’s not that good, but it’s something to do while I’m pretending not worry about what he’s thinking.

“No, no I can tell you. I wanted let you know how happy Bram makes me.”

“Abraham,” He said, a little defensively. “Call him Abraham.”

“Yes, of course, Abraham.”

“Well I’m glad to hear that. Is that it?” He said, staring at this plate and not into my eyes.

“No,” I say as my stomach is falling into a pit. “If that was it, I could have told you that on the phone.”

It was a risk to speak like that to him, but perhaps it will garner his respect. His eyes showed that it did as he looked at me up and down and shook his head. “I suppose you’re right.” He pushed the plate away and crossed his hands on the table. “So what is it that needed to be said to me in person?”

I touched the Elliot Smith shirt and I think of the way Bram got lost in my eyes and then coyly smiled as he looked away. It’s weird that I can also see the parts of Bram in his father. I swallowed as the cook banged on the grill top.

“I love your son, very much. So much, in fact, that I’m going to ask him to marry me, and I know it would mean a lot to Bram if I was able to tell him I got your blessing to do so.”

Elijah’s face froze as soon as I said 'marry' and didn’t move. It felt like time stood still and though it was only a few seconds, I over-analyzed every single micro expression on his face. I didn’t break eye contact with him and he didn’t break eye contact with me. The cook slid the plate in front of me, but we never took our eyes off each other.

Suddenly, Elijah’s face exploded into a big, Bram-like smile and he slammed the table with his palm. A boisterous laughter followed as confusion poured over my face, which actually caused him to laugh even more.

“I’m sor – I’m sorry, Simon. Oh my god!” He continued to laugh in the empty diner until he picked up his napkin and dabbed his eyes. I still sat in confusion as he calmed down. “I couldn’t resist. You believed it so much, did you really think I was that kind of father?” More laughs poured out of him as he pulled his plate back to him to continue eating.

“Simon, I apologize, but Tracy can’t help herself and she spilled the beans. So I knew about your intentions, and all I can say is that of course you have my blessing to marry my son.”

The biggest sigh of relief washed over me as the tough-Dad act fell.

“Thank you, Elijah, that’s...thank you for that.”

“Hey, you will only be able to call me Elijah for a little bit longer, soon you’ll get to call me Dad.”

The Bram-like smile returned to his face as he put eggs on his toast and took a bite.

“I will say though,” Elijah continued. “I was very happy with how you phrased the question.”

“Oh?” I say, now feeling comfortable to eat.

“You said ‘I’m going to ask’ instead of ‘I want to ask’ or ‘I intend to ask,’ implying the choice was made and that I could either like it or dislike it, but that you were going to do it. Since Bram came out, I had to re-structure what I wanted for him in his life. I had an idea when I thought he liked girls, but when he told me he liked men, I needed to go back to the drawing board. But it’s hard, thinking about the kind of man I wanted Bram to end up with and when he brought you to meet me the first time, I always liked you because I could always look over and see Bram confidently stand by your side. And his confidence was because of you. That is exactly the kind of man I want him to be with: confident.”

I fought the urge to let a tear come out of my eye. “To be honest with you, Elijah, it’s funny that you see confidence in me because it’s something I’ve been working on since high school.”

“You could have fooled me,” Elijah answered. “Simon, it takes a lot of courage to meet the father of someone you love because when you date someone’s child, you’re dating a part of the parent. You did it. You kept calling, you kept on it, and not in an annoying way, but in a responsible way. You made it happen because you have confidence. Simon, Bram has told me your fishing stories.” He said laughing. “You hate fishing. But you tried to meet me on my level to ask me a hard question. Working on confidence? Simon, you have confidence.”

“Thank you, sir. That really means a lot coming from you.”

“I don’t say things I don’t mean, Simon. Regardless of the genders of people in love, what you can’t fake is the longing looks you two share. To be honest, this moment wasn’t as much of a surprise to me, it was more of when it would happen.”

And that quickly, I had two Moms and two Dads. Elijah gave me an opportunity to bow out of fishing, but I respectfully declined. I had to show him I meant business. I paid the check, again trying to show him what kind of man I am, but he already covered the breakfast before I walked in the door.

“You know, I can see where Bram gets his strategic planning from.”

“And that’s why he needs you, the impulsive confidence.”

We left the diner and the sun had just began to paint the sky a thin red and gold on the horizon. Elijah taught me a lot about what it was to deep-sea fish and I honestly had a genuinely great time.

Until I became sea sick.

Elijah laughed at me while I puked the eggs back up over the side of the ship.

“Not a sailor, huh Simon?”

I spit the lingering taste out of my mouth.

“Not yet, but I’ll get there.”


	7. I Wore Contacts Today - Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Explicit Chapter

It was finally the weekend where I got to visit Bram in Baltimore. Spamalot closed last week and the next show was a new play by a local playwright. I had a lead role but we were given the weekend off of rehearsals because our professors knew how college students were about this holiday. I kissed Leah on the cheek after we had lunch on Friday and I threw my suitcase in the back seat. Ian was also there, sad that I was leaving this weekend.

“Can’t you just tell Bram to come up here this time?”

“It’s my turn to go there, he’ll be up again.”

“Ugh, but not probably until spring semester.”

“Sorry, he’s a little grumpy because he hasn’t had lunch yet.”

“I’m not grumpy” Ian pouted. “But I am hungry. I need to go into the house; I’m raiding the fridge. Safe drive Simon.”

The door shut quickly behind him. Ian was also a little angry because it was Halloween (Halloweiner) weekend and I was going to Bram’s stomping ground. It worked out perfectly because this will be the first time in all four years of college that we can dress as a couple for Halloween! Bram was always a pretty safe Halloween dresser in college, only going as a soccer player. But knowing we’d be together on Halloween, he was willing to branch out.

“What were you thinking of?” I asked Bram a few weeks ago.

“I don’t know, but definitely a couple costume. I want this Halloween to be fun and cute and Disney for you and me.” He replied. It was becoming harder for him to hide the thirst in his voice for us to be together again. “I also wouldn’t mind if it was…uhm…”

I could imagine Bram blushing on the other end and it made smile.

“I wouldn’t mind if it was...a more revealing costume than conservative.”

“For you or for me?”

“Both.”

Hot. Hot, hot, hot.

“Bram,” I said, “I can imagine you in so many revealing costumes.”

“It can’t just be any costume though, it has to be us…I want to show you off at the party.”

Then it clicked. I knew what we could be. “Bram, I have the perfect idea, trust me, I’ll prepare everything.”

I gathered everything I needed and bought the items I couldn’t make. I was now on the road and Bram still didn’t know what his Halloween costume was going to be.

“If I guess it can you at least tell me if I’m right?” He asked into my earbuds.

“Okay, but I don’t think you’ll guess it.” I replied, knowing he won’t.

“Mario and Luigi?”

“Ugh, too cliché.” I responded.

“Batman & Robin?”

“Nope.”

“Thing One and Thing Two.”

I clicked my tongue. “No, but that one would have been cute.”

Bram guessed a few more minutes but was wrong on all of them.

“Trust me,” I told him. “As soon as you see it you’ll get it. I hope you like it, you’re going to look super cute.”

“How close are you now?” Bram asked, probably biting his lip out of impatience.

“I just left, B” I laughed. “I’ll be in around 5pm.”

“That’s too long,” Bram moaned into the phone. “I need you here.”

“I’ll drive five miles per hour faster, I’m coming as fast as I can!” I pleaded.

“Si, I’m laying in my bed and I’m only in my underwear.”

My heart started pumping blood to another extremity of mine as I imagined Bram lying on his sheets and bulging out of his boxer briefs.

“I need to concentrate on the road, mister.” I said, lying because I didn’t want him to stop talking.

“That’s too bad,” Bram started, “Because, oops, now I’m naked.”

My pupils dilated and I let out an involuntary gasp. I had to unbutton my pants so that I could rearrange myself as I had a raging hard-on and it was bending in my jeans.

“You’re bad, Bram. Don’t do this to me now, I want to wait til I can see you.”

“I don’t know if I can, Si,” Bram said, straining and moaning his sentence. “I’m jerking off right now.”

I swallowed hard and couldn’t keep my mouth shut as I kept licking my lips in hunger.

“Abraham Louis, what kind of man have you become?” I whispered into the dangling microphone. “What if I told you that I had to unbutton my jeans because hearing you talk about yourself doing that got me so hard I needed to let it out?”

Bram sensually breathed into the phone. “It’s out while you’re driving?”

“Yeah,” I confirmed. Cars passed me on the highway because I'm going five miles under the speed limit.

“You’re crazy,” Bram replied. “You’re so crazy sexy. But you’re right, I want to wait to see you too. But how am I going to go to my one o’clock class with this boner?”

My dick jumped at the thought of Bram laying in bed, extra hard, trying to put on jeans to hide himself.

“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to control myself when I see you, Bram.” I warned. “I would suggest to Nick that he finds himself away from your apartment between five and six-thirty tonight.”

“An hour and a half?” Bram purred. “Ugh, yes, Simon. I will fulfill your wish.”

I was hard until just before I reached New York City, which was good because traffic was right next to my windows and they could have seen everything.

Once I was outside of New York I began thinking about the proposal. I know I’m used to doing the sweeping romantic gestures, but when I asked Bram’s parents for their blessing, I didn’t do it in front of a group of people, I did it in a one-on-one setting. And it was perfect.

Maybe there’s a time and place for the grand romantic gestures, but maybe when it comes to this proposal that the perfect scenario would be a place just for us. People were there for the ferris wheel moment and that was great, but the most fun moment was in the car the next day when Bram and I skipped lunch to eat Oreos in his car.

_And if you have a minute why don’t we go, talk about it somewhere only we know._

The Keane song played on the radio as I thought about the place only Bram and I know, and that’s our emails. For old time sake, we would cutely email each other from the fake emails fun messages. It would cause us then to review our old conversations and remind us how we fell in love and what we overcame and finally what we’ve built.

The more and more I thought on the drive, the more and more I convinced myself that perhaps my gut was wrong and that what’s best for us was a nice, Bram-style proposal: me and him and dinner. I needed to talk to Dad.

“Hey big guy!” Dad answered the phone. “How’s the drive?”

“Hey Dad it’s good, I just passed Philly so about another hour and half.”

“You’re making good time. So what’s going on?”

“All’s I’ve been doing is thinking on this trip, and I wanted your opinion.”

“Shoot.”

“I’m thinking now about making it a more intimate proposal to Bram.”

Dad sucked in air through his teeth. “You’re trying to cut out your mother, I get it. Will it be weird if I’m still there?”

“No, Dad, I’m thinking of not having anyone but Bram and I now. What do you think?”

“I think,” Dad started, “That it’s your proposal and you have to do it in the best way you know how.”

“Yeah, but will that be the best way?”

Dad was silent, too silent. “When I proposed to your mom, I did the ring in the cake after a good dinner and she loved it. It was just us, at a restaurant, surrounded by strangers, but everyone still claps and congratulates you.”

That didn’t sound too bad. If I did the dinner thing, there would still be people there. But if people will be there, should I make sure it’s his family and friends?

“Simon,” Dad continued, “whatever you decide will be great. If I can give you any advice, Bram is a planner, he plans things and he knows every step. Try something so unexpected, so out of character from you that you’ll surprise him.”

“Thanks Dad.”

“I’m sorry kid, I wish I could help you more, but this is something you gotta decide on your own.”

“Don’t be sorry, I know, I know.”

“Okay, well do you want me to tell your mother you’re possibly booting her from your proposal?”

“Oh, god no. I can leave the house, you gotta live with her. I’ll tell here as soon as I decide.”

“Thanks for having my back, Si. Alright, go have fun, tell Bram hi for me.”

I pulled over and filled up the tank and thought about what Bram would expect from me. He knew I gave things away accidentally, he knew I am about showing all my cards, he knew I like grand romantic gestures. The opposite of that is literally Bram, so maybe the last thing he’ll suspect would be to do something extremely casual and then proposing.

The gas pump clicked and I filled it until it’s an even dollar amount. I know you’re not supposed to do it, but I will add twenty extra cents to make it an even forty dollars.

Bzzz

Bram  
_I don’t know how it’s possible, but I’m missing you more even though you’re so close!_

_Just about an hour away, had to stop for gas_

.  
..  
…  
_Why is it cute to think about you pumping gas?_  
 _Am I weird?_  
_Be sure to pick up some peanuts Mr. Peanut! ;)_

_I was hard for so long after we spoke_

.  
..  
…  
_Now I’m picturing you as Mr. Peanut, but with a humongous boner.  
And now I am sexually attracted to Mr. Peanut, thank you._

_It was only a matter of time. I’m getting on the road again.  
See you so soon._

.  
..  
…  
_I love you Peanut. ;)_

That better not transition into a nickname, but if it did, I would only hate it until I heard Bram say it in person because he can make any word sound sexy. Ugh, I can’t think about the proposal anymore or it’ll stress me out and then Bram will notice and he’ll ask what’s wrong and I’ll probably let it slip. I gotta focus on this weekend and how Bram will look in his costume.

“Simon…Jesus Christ,” Leah commented after I laid out our outfits on my bed before I left.

“What?” I adjusted the fabric to let them lay out more, thinking that was the problem

“Are you positive Bram meant _this_ when he said he wanted to be less conservative?” She asked.

“I don’t know, but it can be as revealing as he wants it to be,” I replied and pointed to an intricate part of the costume.

“That’s true,” Ian added. “So which one is Bram going to be?”

“That one,” I pointed to on the bed. “Definitely that one.”

Ian cackled. “Oh…Okay, I can see it now.”

“No you can’t,” Leah accused.

“Yeah, I can’t. Sorry, Si. But it looks like you’ll have fun.”

I pulled into a guest parking spot outside of Bram’s building five minutes early. So efficient, Bram would be so proud of me.

“You’re here five minutes early, that’s…really hot for some reason,” Bram told me as he opened the door.

We fell into each other’s arms and kissed as he placed his strong hands on my cheeks and pulled my lips against his soft, open ones. My hands wrapped around his waist and I could feel his back became more muscular. Looks like he was right when he told me this year was just as hard for him, it meant more trips to the gym.

I leaned back to catch my breath but Bram was too hungry and followed me as he found my lips immediately and pulled me wantingly towards his hips. Our thighs pressed against each other as I moved from his lips to his neck. Bram moaned and tilted his head up and let his hot breath roll past my ear. I leaned up to his ear and whispered.

“I miss you.”

“I miss you, too."

He proceeded to place his lips on my neck and lightly suck and caress my skin with his tongue. Our hips moved against one another as we stumbled into Bram’s apartment and closed the door.

I pushed my suitcase to the side with my foot and pushed Bram onto his living room couch. He looked me up and down with his sensual brown eyes and licked and bit his lip as his right leg dangled off the couch. I took off my shirt and Bram immediately devoured my body with his eyes. I teased him and didn't straddle him on the couch and his eyes started to beg. I smiled coyly and looked at his bedroom door and started walking to it. I opened it just as Bram followed me inside his room and shut the door behind him.

I used the opportunity to pull up his arms and pin him against the door as he exhaled sharply and arched his back. His butt rubbed against my crotch and my heart pumped blood fiercely to my lower half. My lips found his neck again and I kissed the spot that always made Bram shiver and moan. I spun him around and shoved him back against the door and moved quickly back to his tender lips.

I’m not sure why because I've never done it before, but I picked Bram up off his feet by his butt and it surprised him in the best way. His confused, sexy look was followed by him wrapping his strong legs around my lower back as he aggressively resumed to kissing me.

I carried him to his cutely made bed and laid him on his back as I crawled onto it myself. I unbuttoned my pants and observed my boyfriend as he removed his shirt and his sexy brown skin looked flawless as ever. My pants dropped quickly around my feet as I kicked them off, sporting a solid boner through my boxer briefs.

“I’ve had this since you left me in August.” I told him between catching breaths.

“I’ve had this since I saw you in high school,” he replied, eyeing down to the print through his jeans. I unbuttoned and unzipped them as I kissed the skin near his belly button. I can see his muscles respond as they flexed and relaxed with pleasure.

I removed and threw his jeans onto the ground and immediately followed them with his underwear until Bram laid on the bed completely naked and I lost it. An animalistic urge overcame me and I threw his legs on my shoulders. I leaned between his legs, lips on his lips and hand on his penis, stroking it to work out his moans.

My other hand lays gently on his cheek as my fingers extend into his hair I gently pulled his hair back to reveal his neck and plunge my lips upon his flesh.

“Si, top drawer.”

I opened it and put the lube on my hands as I started to touch both of us as I made him lie down. I don’t want him to do anything. He’s not going to work at all right now, only lay back and allow me to make him feel physically what he makes me feel spiritually every single second since we’ve started dating.

His eyes crossed and mouth danced, trying to properly manifest what he felt as I took my hand of myself and rubbed more lube between his round, full cheeks. Bram squirmed as I lightly glided my finger in a circular motion as he moaned softly. I continued until he placed his hand on my wrist to stop me from jerking him off.

“St…stop. I need you inside me, right now.”

That sentence has never been such a turn on and the animalistic side took over. My finger began to slowly enter Bram as his chest raised in lowered in ecstasy. I started with one finger until few minutes I added another. His head shot back in pleasure as it rolled slowly from side to side like he was trying to break through the bed. I removed my fingers and removed my boxer briefs that had pre-come and lube residue.

“Right now, Si. _Right. Now_.”

I complied silently but my eyes told Bram a story as he stared deeply into them, extremely attentive to the tiniest of details. I rubbed more lube on and approached Bram, both legs still on my shoulders and I pressed myself into him, his tightness massaging my head.

Bram made non-verbal, extremely sexy noises as I made my way in. It felt so phenomenal as his penis seemed to get harder and I saw pre-come leak up.

“Oh my god, Si.”

I began to thrust back and forth and the rhythm of our bodies created a symphony. I felt every warm part of Bram around me and it enthralled me as I increased my pace. I leaned more into him as he cried out in pleasure as his toes curled and muscles tightened.

I pushed him further onto the bed and moved one of his legs off my shoulder, changing how deep I could go. I saw on his face how I reached the next level of ecstasy as he bit his lip and grabbed my butt to pull me in deeper. His eyes rolled back and his mouth was unable to stay shut.

Like adding fuel to the fire, knowing I was causing him so much euphoria made my thrusts longer, deeper, and more passionate. His fingers dug into the skin of my lower back as I continued to rhythmically pump and our skin softly smacked together.

“Fuck…Si…Oh my fucking…Fuck.”

Nothing got me hotter than making him speak in fragments or when I caused him to swear. I picked up the pace, the feeling of only Bram around me made the feeling so much closer and deeper and more meaningful and I knew I wouldn’t last much longer.

“OH, Si…Oh shit!”

Some of it landed on his face, most of it landed in the crevices of his neck, and the rest of it was scattered up his abdomen. No iris could be seen as he finished and I could feel him tense around my penis and that was it for me.

It was fire. It was passion. It was love pouring out. I gripped him closely and fell into his chest and mess and shouted into his shoulder as sweat and panting mixed around my head. When I was sure I was done, I relaxed onto him, still inside of him, panting ear to ear.

“I lo…love you.” He panted, a little dazed and confused.

“I love you…love you more,” I panted, a little dazed and confused.

“Impossible.”

I eased out of him and laid next to him on his bed, both of us messy. We soon decided to take a shower.

Together of course.

The lube and sweat and come washed off with little effort from the shower head and we stood under it, next to each other. Once most of it was cleaned off, I noticed Bram’s biceps and the way the water beaded on his flesh. I get half-hard again. Bram noticed it as it brushed against his leg and he turned to me, mouth open, eyes eager, for another round.

Our lips kiss as the water washed down our backs, cascading between our black and white skin. Bram was fully hard again and I squatted down to put him in my mouth. It’s such a nice view of his abs when I’m down here as well has his sculpted v-cut and well-trimmed pubic hair.

I was down there for about ten minutes until I tasted him. It was sweet, just like Bram. He returned the favor, but I couldn’t last that long. And could you blame me with you have the most gorgeous human being on the planet doing the one thing that proved the closest thing to the manifestation of love?

My toes shoot out as I shoot into Bram’s mouth and, like me, he swallowed. He came up to my eye level, even though he is a few inches taller than I am and I could see God in his eyes. This is what heaven is. The moments of pure connection with another human. When it’s not about you, but it’s about someone else. My heart pounded as he stared at me through his dripping wet hair

“All of that…was long over due,” I trembled out.

The water falls against my back and down through my leg hair.

“Every moment leading up to right now has been worth it.” He replied. Another kiss was taken, another given.

We finished washing ourselves and each other. I explored his body like I was seeing it for the first time, wanting to memorize ever inch, every area of skin to make mental image of his beauty. Bram got me a towel and he walked out of the bathroom.

The proposal. It was just about Bram and me. No one else. No one else makes me feel both giving and wanting. Selfish and selfless. When I ask him to be mine, to be my husband, for the rest of our lives, I want the moment to be between us and only us.

I dried off and walked naked from the bathroom back into Bram’s room. He moved my suitcase and it laid on the foot of the bed and Bram stared intently at it.

“You so badly want to know what it is, don’t you?” I asked, smiling the biggest smile.

“Almost as much as I wanted to have sex,” he replied, returning a large smile.

“Okay, close your eyes.”

He complied and I set out our outfits on his bed while he impatiently tapped his foot. Once everything was arranged, I put my hands on his shoulders.

“Okay, you can open them.”

He did. And he open mouth smiled and let out a big laugh.

“Slutty Harry Potter and Ron Weasley!” He cackled.

Two Gryffindor robes, my round glasses (I wore contacts today), a red wig, two wands, and two black spandex trunk shorts with a picture of a gold and red tie down the center where our crotches are housed. No shirts, no pants, only robes.

“You're Harry and I'm Ron. I even have something to give you a scar...Do you like it? Is it too much? You can always zip up the robe.”

He turned me towards him and kissed me deeply.

“I love it.”

“Really?” I qualified.

“Really,” he planted another long kiss on my lips. “My Harry Potter nerd.”


	8. Chemistry Plus Timing Times Confidence - Thanksgiving

November didn’t last long and we all found ourselves at the airport flying home for Thanksgiving. Leah and I booked our flight together, of course, and we sat at our gate with snacks, Leah with something healthy, me with Oreos. She used airport wifi to work on a last-minute article for Buzzfeed and I texed Bram and played  time-wasting games on my phone.

Thanksgiving wouldn’t be all fun and games for Leah this year. As a member of the five-year reunion committee, they took advantage of her presence to schedule a meeting to help decide when and where the reunion should take place (and if time, why?).

I broke the news to Mom and Dad that I decided to propose to Bram alone. Mom hid the fact she was a little disappointed with a rehearsed response and emotionless face, but she was still supportive. Dad, however, was supportive.

“So you’re going the surprise route. I must say that I’m surprised you picked that path. Bram won’t know what’s coming.”

Dad also told me he had finally taken care of the rings, but that I couldn’t see them yet.

“I want it to be a surprise to the both of you.” Dad told me over the phone. This, surprisingly, only hiked up my anxiety a little.

Since Halloween weekend with Bram, I’ve been uncharacteristically calm. I felt like I experienced an awakening and became more mature. Or that I've been being slipped Valium by Leah unknowingly. Either way, it was a weird feeling as I’ve lived with anxiety Simon for so long.

“Okay Dad, I get it, but I’ll need to see them eventually, like when I actually propose to him?” I replied sarcastically.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, don’t worry you’ll love it!”

I hung up the phone and Leah looked at me with nostalgia. “I can’t believe it’s already Thanksgiving. This year has flown the F by.”

“You’re telling me, the show opens next week. It felt like I just came back from visiting Bram.”

After that weekend, Bram returned to flying under the radar, though he always made sure to text me between classes and work. Seems his busy year picked right back up, but he’ll be home this week for Thanksgiving, giving us an opportunity to spend a decent amount of time with each other.

“We’re two months away from the proposal,” Leah started, patting my knee. “How do you feel?”

“We're?” I laughed. “Yeah, I feel really great about it.”

“Good, you should. I think it’s nice you’re doing it privately.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s so unlike you that it will be an honest surprise to Bram. He’ll love it.”

Her phone vibrated and she laughed.

“Ian says hi.” She showed me a picture on her phone of Ian taken in our kitchen after finding the food we cooked for him. It was a surprised and happy face. He couldn’t go home this year for Thanksgiving and Leah and I didn’t like that, so we cooked him all the typical side dishes found at Thanksgiving and left him instructions on how to cook the small chicken. I know it wasn’t turkey but we didn’t think Ian could eat an entire turkey in a few days…right?

“So Ian’s cool,” I stated, obviously trying to pick Leah’s brain over a suspicion I’ve had for a few months. They were subtle hints, but only ones me or Nick could have picked up.

“Yeah, he is. It’s nice you have him up here so we can share your Simonisms.” She said as she bit into her apple. “I was worried because I didn’t have Abby or Nick to help me, but everything worked out great.”

“Uh-huh…you know, Ian has yet to have a...long-term girlfriend, just so you’re aware.” I pretended to go right back to the game on my phone.

Leah turned and eyed with a defensive glare. “And why would that interest me at all?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I think that at his core, Ian is a relationship guy who just never found the right girl to show him that.”

I turned to meet her defensive glare that downgraded to a mild annoyance glare. “How could you tell?”

“You laughed when he burped, Leah.” I said, laughing. “You’ve never laughed at a bodily function before and Nick is full of them."

She smiled. “I dunno. Maybe I’ve changed too.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, I think I’ve softened in college.”

“Is that a bad thing?” I asked.

“I don’t know yet.”

“Well,” I turned my body towards her in the uncomfortable airport chairs. “I personally don’t think you’ve changed that much. The only thing that I noticed is that you’re still the powerful, determined Leah that I’ve always known. But you know, you can even pet a porcupine if you rub it the right way.”

“I’m a porcupine?!” Leah lamented, laughing. “You’re the worst.”

“I don’t think you’re comprising yourself by falling in like with someone we’ve known for three years.” I followed up in a more serious tone with a small smile. “I mean Bram and I knew each other since Freshman yeah of high school and we never talked. But he couldn’t help the feelings he developed and I’m glad he took a chance. Albeit, a long, drama-filled chance, but a chance nonetheless.” I finished smiling again.

“Maybe that’s it. That I know your proposing and my biological clock began to tick. Ugh! I hate it.”

“Don’t hate it, Leah. But you also don’t have to act on anything if you’re not ready or don’t want to. That’s the whole thing with dating, it’s chemistry plus timing times confidence.”

Leah quietly grabbed my hand to both thank me and to get me to stop talking about it. And I did.

We got on the flight and it always surprised me how short it was. As soon as I would get into my book, the pilot would tell us they were preparing for arrival.

Mom and Dad picked us up from the airport and Nora was in the back seat as well.

“Hey Si, Leah,” Nora spoke, not looking from her phone as we got into the back seat of the car. It appeared she eased into the new band she was forming with her friends in our garage to Dad’s quiet displeasure (I can’t get to my tools when I need them cause they’re in there every day!). Seems she needed to over compensate in cool since the last Spier attended Creekwood.

“Busy as usual, Nora. Thanks for taking the time out of your schedule.”

She shot me a peace sign and returned to her phone. If Bram were with us, she’d be already deep in conversation.

“Alice won’t be here until Thanksgiving day itself,” Mom informed me, a bit of melancholy in her voice. “Her trip was extended because apparently library staff can’t understand how computers work!” Mom slammed the steering wheel to all of our bugged eyes. Don’t try to get between a mama bear and her cubs, no matter their age.

“I’m sure she wishes she could be here.” I replied.

“She does,” Nora responded, showing me the text from Alice saying the exact same thing.

The drive home was filled with questions about school from Mom and Dad to Leah and me and before Leah could answer question seventeen, we were at her house.

“Thanks for the ride you guys.”

“Anytime,” Mom responded. We drove the two seconds to our driveway and as soon as Nick saw the car in the driveway, he came over.

“Nick, how are ya?” Dad said while hugging him.

“Great, New York is craaazzyyy. Having a hell of a time keeping up but that’s what coffee is for right?”

“Right, right. I don’t know how you do it kid, but you’re doing it. Keep it up.”

“Thanks Mr. Spier.”

Nick followed us inside and we both went to my room.

“So Abby wanted me to talk to you.”

“Oh?” I said pulling out my computer and setting on my desk.

“Yeah. So…don’t be mad.” He began.

“Not the best way to start, but continue,” I teased.

“Abby and I didn’t break up.”

I shot him a puzzled look. “That’s great! Why would I be mad?” I hugged him and he hugged me back half-heartedly. I backed up and he was staring at the ground.

“Yeah, we didn’t break up, but we’re in an open relationship.”

My puzzled look returned with greater cartoon expression. “Oh.” My ‘oh’ wasn’t negative or positive, it just was.

“We just thought, that…it would be easier to tell people that we broke up because if you tell people it’s an open relationship, they just ask so many questions about it.”

“Okay,” I replied, trying not ask questions about it, but I did have one. “Bram knew about this part too, didn’t he?”

“This is the part I didn’t want you to get mad at.” Nick said finally looking me in the eye. I smiled and shook my head.

“Nick, I’m not mad. Not mad at all.”

“Wait, really?” he replied, shocked.

I started to unpack my clothes from my suitcase. “Really. Bram is a good friend and I never asked about it so he never had to lie, and even if he _did_ have to lie to me he'd have his reasons.”

“Simon? Is that actually you?” Nick joked.

“In the flesh.”

“Okay…well I was expecting an entirely different conversation, so now I don’t know what to do.” Nick said while texting someone.

“This may sound crazy, but you’re talking to the right guy about lying about a part of your life because you didn’t want to be asked questions immediately or have people think of you differently.” I smiled as I placed my hand on his shoulder.

“Oh, you mean you and the gayness.” We both burst out laughing as my hand turned to a fist and I punched him.

“Nick, it’s your life. And if you both are okay with it and happy and it works, then why wouldn't I be happy for you guys?”

Nick smiled and kicked around his feet. “Thanks, dude. Really.”

“Duh, ya idiot. So is that it?”

“You want to ask questions, don’t you?”

“SO MANY QUESTIONS!” I yelled. “But only one. Is there someone one of you met that drove you to talk about this?”

“Well, we _both_ …kinda met someone. We’re dating her as a couple.”

“No fuckin’ way.” Nick shook his head with a grin. “That’s what you’ve been trying to do since middle school. Two girls?! Middle school you must be so happy.”

“You know it! Best part, it wasn’t my idea, it was Abby’s.”

There was a knock at the door and Abby entered.

“Simon, I’m so sorry I didn’t come with Nick I was so nervous how you’d react and I got scared but I’m so glad you’re not mad at us.” Abby said in one long breath as she hugged me hard.

I told her roughly the same thing I told Nick.

“Si, no offense, but you’re reacting so…chill to all of this.”

“Well, in the interest of being honest, I’ve been much more chill ever since Bram and I stopped using condoms.”

Nick and Abby shot me an expression of happy confusion until Nick spoke.

“Oh, wait, is that a big deal?” Nick said.

“I thought you guys already did that.” Abby added.

“No! And it’s kinda a big deal. It’s hard to explain.”

“Well, whatever you guys are doing to make this Simon appear, keep it up.” Nick said.

“Oh I intend to,” I replied with raised eyebrows. “So Nick tells me you guys met a gal, huh?”

“Yes, we did…and you’re sure you’re okay with this?”

“Abbs, of course. Non-traditional relationships are kind of an automatic for me.”

“Bram was right; we should have listened to him.”

I smiled. I love that Bram knew me so well, like we’re building hive mind. I also love that I’m becoming less of a nuisance to my friends. You learn a lot about yourself in college. It honestly didn’t bother me and why should it? If this is what they want, this is what they want.

“Me too. I guess I’m growing up. Sorry guys.”

“So only you and Bram know about the open relationship, we’re going to tell Leah tonight and I think it goes without saying to not bring it up to your parents?”

“I don’t know, they were pretty receptive to me telling them I was gay.”

We went downstairs and Mom and Dad made Abby and Nick stay for lunch and they did once Nick deeply inhaled the barbecue pork slow cooking in the Crockpot.

“When is Bram getting in?” Nick asked, mouth slathered in barbecue sauce.

“Tonight at eight. He had to stay a little later on Saturday to finish up some work.”

“God that boy works hard.” Abby said, taking a bite of potato salad.

“Attention to detail is his forte,” I replied. “When we first started talking, when he was Blue, he told me he figured it was me almost right away due to my speech patterns.”

“Awwww,” Abby crooned.

We talked further about Bram until Dad asked Abby and Nick about their projects in New York. After Nick finished his third sandwich, Abby and Nick bounced leaving me alone with Mom and Dad.

“So, since you’re privately proposing,” Mom started. “Where do you think you’ll do it?”

While Leah slept on the flight, I thought of multiple scenarios

“I think I want to give Bram the gold standard of proposals: I want to cook him dinner here-”

“YES!” Mom shouted as Dad placed his hand on her shoulder and calmed her down.

“Yeah, but no hidden cameras to capture anything, Mom, promise me that.”

“I will be sure she doesn’t,” Dad chimed in.

“So yes, dinner here, then some movies, just…very low key and casual so that he doesn’t suspect anything. Then I will bring him into my room when I’ll have candles on my desk and maybe rose petals on the bed spelling out ‘Bram’ so he has to walk close to it and when he turns around to ask me what this is about I’m already on my knee, with the ring from Dad…and I shut the door and behind it hanging are hundreds of pictures of us from the last four years…but that’s just my first thoughts. What do you think?”

Mom’s hands clasped around her mouth as she breathed heavily to try to control her tears. Dad nodded his head and smiled.

“That’s a pretty solid first thought, Si. Simple but powerful, always effective, I’m sure he’ll love it.”

“I was thinking of writing him a poem too, you know, get on his level, make him realize how much he means to me.” Bram was working on his degree in professional journalism, but he always wrote me the best small, three sentence poems that made me swoon even deeper in love with him. “Try to speak his language.”

“Simon, that sounds…perfect.” Mom advised. “The most perfect thing in the world. He will have no choice but to say yes.”

I smiled confidently. Ever since Elijah told me I was confident, I discovered more and more everyday that I really have been, even when I thought I was a coward. People can tell you over and over again that you are something, but unless you are ready to believe it yourself, it seems like they’re so wrong.

“Then I better get started, I want to be sure it’s perfect.”

I usually tell Leah everything, but this was something I wanted to stay mine and mine alone. I wanted it to be so obviously me, so stupidly me that Bram knew I wrote it with no help from an outside source. But, it seems it’s easier said than done.

My pen tapped my notebook as I lay on my bed and stared off in the distance thinking about what things came to my mind when I think about Bram (both appropriate for a poem and less appropriate things I want to do to him when he arrives).

Grammar. Writing. Planning. Cautious. Loving. Smile. Brown eyes. Soccer. Calves. Cute. Sexy.

I knew where this going, so I wrote a bunch of words down that came to mind when I thought of Bram and they started forming sentences. Some were nonsensical, but is that what poetry is?

Out of a few pages a few good lines jumped out at me, but I wanted to spend more time on it so I hid it between the mattresses (on my side so Bram doesn’t notice if he stays the night. If. When he stays.).

Bzzz.

Bram  
_I’m about to board, I’ll see you so soon! <<33_

_Safe flight! I will be there to pick you up :)_

.  
..  
…  
_I love telling people my boyfriend is picking me up from the airport._  
_My boyfriend._  
_Is it still weird to hear yourself say that phrase?_

_Kinda. It wasn’t something I thought could be an option  
Then I met you_

.  
..  
…  
_Listen here, I was the one with the crush on you first!_  
_Jacques a dit._  
_Oh, my group is next, see you shortly!_

I can feel his energy in his texts and it's infectious, flowing through my fingers and into my blood stream. Little Brams running through my blood and posting up in my heart. Well, his heart, cause I have his and he has mine per his poetic musings.

I quickly wrote that thought on my pad and bide my time with Nora until it’s time for me to leave for the airport.

I be sure to get there early and circle the arrivals area until he texted me that he landed. Round and round until it gets me dizzy like feel every I see Bram for the first time if it’s been more than a day.

And there he is, suitcase and backpack, a sculpted statue where the sculptor focused on the calves. I waved to him like a dork because it’s an involuntary reaction when I see him after a long absence. He tilted his head and smiled as he bee lined towards the car.

“Hi!”

“Hi, Peanut,” he said as he placed his luggage in the back. I knew I didn’t like it, but I did say I’d easily fall in love with it and it may be working.

He got in the front seat and my pulse increased as he kissed me tenderly, his lips not chapped from the flight. Anytime we’re in a car together it always brings me back to his Honda Civic the day after the ferris wheel when both of us wanted each other until we could no longer contain ourselves. I leaned over and kissed him again for bringing the memory back.

“It’s so nice to have a real week off. I didn’t have to bring any work back with me.” He bragged as he picked up my iPod and searched through it to see if I had any new purchases to mentally catalog to listen to them later. He finally picked a song and leaned his head on my shoulder the entire ride back to my house.

Mom and Dad knew in the years of college that the first day we are back in Shady Creek, we stay with each other, this year it happens to my house.

We brought in his things and as soon as Nora heard Bram was in the house she ran downstairs.

“Bram!”

“Hey Nora, aren’t you the girl in that popular Creekwood band?”

“Working on it. You’re staying here this year right?”

“You know it.”

“Awesome. Come listen to some stuff we recorded last week.”

I wish Nora looked at me the way she looked at Bram. His deep brown eyes found me and I nod him away towards her room as she ran up the stairs. He kissed me on the cheek and followed her. She can borrow him now, I’m going to have him the rest of our lives.

*   *   *

“Happy Thanksgiving!!”

This was the first year that, after four years of dating, I arranged the Greenfeld and Spier families to have Thanksgiving together.

Extra leaves were in our large kitchen table and sat all of us comfortably around it as Ruth ambled around after eating only a few bites of turkey and cranberry sauce.

The Dads sat at the head of the table with their respective wives to their right. Tracy sat on Ellijah’s left next to Bram, who was next to me. On my left Alice and I were in conversation and across from me was Nora and an empty seat to her where Ruth’s mostly full plate resided.

“I’m glad we were finally able to do this,” I mentioned. “Bram always said we had similar Thanksgiving traditions, especially the one of eating Thanksgiving dinner at dinner time instead of one o’clock.”

“I mean,” Elijah started, “what the heck is that about?”

“No idea,” Dad joked back. Dad was always good at making people laugh. It was never what he said, but how he said it.

“These potatoes are delicious, Tracy.” My mom added.

“Thank you, they’re Abraham’s favorite.”

Bram blushed. It was so cute to see him revert to Quiet Bram Greenfeld when he was eating with a large group of people.

“So how does it feel you two to be almost done with school?” Alice asked while sipping her wine.

“Great,” Bram answered (surprisingly) first. “I’m ready to be done with school assignments and focus on real stories.”

“Yeah,” I added, “Bram’s already looking for places in New York and we have Abby and Nick keeping an eye on any diamonds in the rough.”

“If worst comes to worst, we can always stay with Nick and Abby for awhile.” Bram planned.

I smiled lightly because if we’re engaged I don’t want to share him with roommates. I also see Elijah’s eyebrow raise and look at me slightly, knowing I’m going to be an actor trying to make it in New York.

“I know that acting won’t give me that much to begin,” I start.

“Hey,” Bram comforted.

“No, it’s true, but the play that opens next week, the playwright lives in New York and really likes me, so there’s another connection on top of the professor’s former students and friends. Plus Abby and Nick’s connections, I mean knowing a guy from Julliard has to have its perks.”

Tracy smiled and winked at me, almost saying ‘good answer’ as Elijah gave me a surprised smile.

“I can always find a part time job as well, I mean all actors usually wait tables or bartend, I know the risks involved.”

Thanksgiving always turns into an interview.

“We could live in a box on the street in Mid-Town, as long as we’re together.” Bram intervened, sensing where the conversation could head and stopping it. Mom smiled at me as Dad nodded his head approvingly.

“You guys are always welcome to visit me when I’m in New York, they have a lot of libraries.” Alice offered. “Then we can order room service and bill the company.”

“You know we’ll do that,” I replied.

“The gauge rig is pretty!” Ruth said to Elijah.

I smiled at Elijah as he looks at me.

“Gauge rig?” I asked, trying to move the topic off of me and onto one of the fishing terms I remembered from Provincetown. “You already taking her to the ocean?”

Bram looked at me with surprise, probably wondering how I knew it had to do with fishing.

“Just up at Lake Lanier for now, but she’s just like her old man and loves the water.”

Bram looked at me and smiled. “Look at you mister fisherman.”

“What can I say?”

Whew. Thankfully Bram left it at that. Dad’s eyes bugged because mine couldn’t and it made me laugh.

The rest of dinner was wonderful and we all got to talking in various groups. Bram talked with Mom, Alice, and Nora in the kitchen as Tracy and Elijah and I were in the living room.

“You almost blew your cover there, son.” Elijah joked.

Nervous heat overwhelmed me as I put my face in my palm. “I know, and I’ve been so good up to that point. Thanks for not asking me how I knew that.”

“Well it’s not a real term anyway, Ruthy meshed two words about fishing together, but luckily you’re not the only actor.” Elijah laughed heartily.

“So, sweetie, do you know how you’re going to,” she looked at her son in the kitchen deep in conversation with my family. “Propose?” She whispered.

I told them the same thing I told Mom and Dad: dinner, candles, roses, pictures, Poem, ring.

“Very nice, Simon,” Elijah approved. “Very nice.”

“That sounds so perfect. I wish I could get it on video.”

“I’ll take pictures after, I promise.” I said, sipping my water. “But now onto the other fun joint family tradition!”

“Let’s do it!”

We all cleared the table and played board games until at least midnight. Ruth fell asleep shortly after dinner and was up in my bed.

During one of the breaks in between the games, Bram found me lost in thought looking out the window staring at my old car that was now Nora’s. He laid his head on my shoulder.

“Tonight was the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had.”

I pulled him closer as we looked at my car. The car we got coffee in and the car I drove Bram to school the entirety of our senior year.

“Tonight was the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had too.”

“Come on guys,” Mom poked her head in. “Time to play Scattergories and hear your father’s stories defending his bad answers.”

Bram and I said we’d be in shortly and Mom left the living room. I pulled him closer to me and we shared an intimate, deep, subtextual kiss that Bram, after our engagement, would understand before heading into the kitchen. We all laughed and played and it was a great, relaxing, family moment of two families coming together. It’s exactly the moment I wanted to repeat every year for the rest of my life.


	9. Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice - Winter Break

“How much longer do you think this will take?” Nora complained as she spun in the chair next to me at Walgreens.

I was selecting pictures I spent the better chuck of last week compiling of Bram and I’s pictures together across all social media, my phone, Leah’s phone, all my friends’ phones, and even our parent’s phones. We have all been home from school for two weeks now and it was just a few days before New Year’s Eve

“You didn’t have to come.” I replied as I gave her side eye.

“I need to make sure you choose the best pictures.” She responded, for once staring at the screen with me and not on her phone.

I loved when she chose to selectively care about me. What are little, sometimes-bratty sisters for?

I would pick some and she would nod her head and let out an approval grunt. Others I’d go to select and she would grab my forearm and shake her head. I’d ask a reason and she’d make the photo larger and show me why. She had a good eye when she wanted.

“You have a hundred and fifty selected, isn’t that enough?”

Being able to give Bram a million pictures of us wouldn’t be enough.

“I would rather have too many pictures than not enough,” I said as my hair fell messy on my face.

“Half of the ones of you guys are ruined because of the reflection in your glasses.”

“It’s why I’ve started wearing contacts.” I retorted in my annoyed older brother tone.

“And yet that face is still not better to look at.” Nora replied smugly.

“You’re going to make an excellent drag queen someday.”

Nora looked up at me, “Oh, aren’t I already?”

Okay, that one made me laugh. “Let me just check out a few more and I’ll print them.”

I found thirty more and finally hit the print button. The photos started plopping out at the bottom at the same speed as the retail workers. This was going to be awhile. Still, though we weren’t talking, Nora wasn't on her phone. She stared at each photo as it fell  like she was ensuring the print looked right.

“Okay, Nora, I’ve never asked you this and I think I deserve to know,” I spun to her. “What is it about Bram that makes you act so different?”

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “What is it about Bram that makes _you_ act so different?”

Repetition. Great.

“My reasons are pretty obvious, Nora.” I stated. “Come on, what is it?”

“I like him.” She answered, seemingly embarrassed to admit.

I brayed like a horse, my lips trilled. “But you like Nick and Leah.”

“Yeah, but it’s different.” She said trying to avoid eye contact.

“Different how? I’ve known them longer; you’ve known them longer. It just doesn’t make sense and keeps me up at night.” That part was a tad exaggerated. I teased my hair and moved it out of my face.

“Simon, please don’t make me say it,” she pleaded as she stared at the photos.

“No, I think not asking you about it for almost five years is plenty of time,” I reasoned. She looked up and inhaled deeply and mouthed something very subtly to herself before finally swiveling away so I’m staring at her back.

“I like him…because…I like how he makes you feel.” She didn’t look back, like she was talking to the headphones and ear buds dangling on the beige hooks. “I like that you like him and he likes you and, because of that, you like yourself.”

Nora turned back to me and she allowed tears to fall from her eyes. It made me frown and my lips tremble.

“I remember when we were younger and…you didn’t know that you were gay because you didn’t know what that meant to you yet. We used to play together so much and have so much fun in the back yard with Leah and Nick on the swing set and then one day…it just ended. I would come to you to ask you to play, but you would never feel up for it or you would make excuses that you were too busy. But I could see in your eyes that you so badly wanted to, like you were screaming out to me and I couldn’t help you. It’s when you and Nick and Leah all started to change and I now know that it was puberty, but the free-loving Simon I knew was trapped. I now know that was because you realized something about yourself and you felt like you couldn’t talk to anyone about it, not even us. It was the worst when you were outed and I understood what made you so isolated from us even though you were so present. Then, like magic, you were free. You didn’t skip a beat and you were back to the same fun-loving Simon I knew. I missed that Simon so much and I needed to know that if I couldn’t have freed you that I had to know who did. Then you introduced us to Bram…and how you looked at him was how you looked when you were younger. So full of life and happiness and joy…so when I say I like him, Simon, it’s because he saved you. And I’ll always love him for that.”

Tears fell down my face as more fell from her eyes. She looked up again and wiped under her eyes. I opened my arms and she broke down as she buried her face into my chest. I gripped her hard as she let it out muffled into my shirt. The pictures continued to fall at a quicker, more rhythmic pace. Finally, she pushed herself away and her face was red and swollen.

“And now you’ve made my makeup run.” She said as she laughed.

I wiped my own tears away. “Nora, you have to say that…at the wedding. It was honestly the most touching thing I’ve ever heard…and I’m sorry.”

She laughed louder, “Simon, why are you apologizing?”

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t remember what I said exactly.”

“Whip out that phone and type in a note what you do remember.”

Nora complied and she quickly typed out as much as she could remember as the photos continued to rain down on the ever-increasing pile. The cashier came over and saw we were both puffy faced and red and gave us a strange look. When the photos finished printing, he gave us a box to place them in and Nora finished with what she remembered. I read it and it honestly made me almost cry again.

“Oh, and one thing Simon. You didn’t say ‘if there’s a wedding,’ you said ‘at the wedding.’” She smiled wide and put her phone back in her pocket.

I paid for the photos and on the way out, I told her, “When we get home, lets go to the swing set.”

We drove  home and I contemplated the deep side of Nora. I wasn’t lying and as soon as we parked, we both raced to the back yard and started going down the obviously-too-small slide and sat on the you’ve-outgrown-them swings and I heard Nora laugh more in the twenty minutes we were out there than I had since high school. It felt like a great breakthrough moment and it made me happy and when we both walked into the house from the back yard, Dad stopped me.

“You convinced Nora to play on that thing again?” Dad asked, genuinely shocked.

“Yeah, why?”

Dad’s eyebrows shot up. “Because she’s been bugging me to get rid of it for years. I always told her no because I wanted the grandchildren to play on it, but it was really because I didn’t want to mess up the lawn.”

“I think it’s safe, Dad.” I replied, patting him on the shoulder.

New Year’s Eve moved from a hum-drum celebration between my friends to a grand ‘ol time where we spilled secrets from the previous year mixed with vodka, rum, whiskey, basically the Mystery Pitcher. This year was going to be even more fun because (not so) surprisingly, Leah invited Ian to come down for a few weeks for our New Year’s Party all the way from South Dakota. The day after Christmas, Leah picked him up from the airport and he’s been staying with us ever since.

“Mr. and Mrs. Spier, you have an outstanding son, he is a gentleman and a scholar and has a hell of a liver.”

Mom’s eyes squinted in judgment as Dad laughed. I knew Ian and Dad would get along great.

“We’re glad you made it down to Georgia. Was worried we’d only see you up in Connecticut,” Dad said.

“Yes, I’m glad as well. Been meaning to see the place that made Simon into a man. By the way, Mr. Spier, do you happen to like soccer?”

Dad didn’t know much about soccer, but he liked Ian enough to fake it til he made it and Ian called Dad into the living room to discuss it.

“All right Ian, yes – help me I’m in over my head – so tell me about your favorite team.”

“Talk about Argentina.” I offered.

“What’s their team name?” Dad asked.

“Doesn’t matter, Ian will fill in the rest of the conversation.” Leah said as I handed him two beers and he disappeared into the living room.

“Thank you again for letting him stay with you,” Leah said to Mom.

“Of course, the more the merrier.” I’m not sure she mean that entirely, but what she did like is me and my friends around the house before we permanently moved away about six months from now.

“You ready?” I asked Leah.

“Duhhhhh, Spier.” She replied.

We went to my room and sat on the floor. Leah volunteered to help me cut out pictures of Bram and me for the collage portion of the proposal. My room only had a new desk but other than that hadn’t changed from last summer, which will be super fitting because it will look almost identical for the first time Bram saw it junior year of high school. I rarely wore the Elliott Smith shirt so it would stay in pristine condition, so my room is basically a time capsule.

“How did you invite him down here?” I asked Leah who  finished cutting out a picture of Bram and I when he visited Yale for my first performance as a college student.

“I mean, it wasn’t hard,” Leah said. “He really cares about us.”

I laughed, “Not as much as soccer maybe, but I get your point.”

“No, you don’t. I mean it Simon he really cares about _us_.” There was a slight smile creeping from her normally neutral face.

“No. Way. Le Burke! Did he ask you out?” I shout-whispered.

“Other way around.” She replied triumphantly. A smile shot across my face.

“Leah, that’s fuckin’ bad ass. Have you told anyone?”

“Not yet,” She said. “But I had to tell you because he was staying here and because you probably would have figured it out.”

“Subtly off-stage is not his strong suit.” I agreed.

“But we’re not going to tell anyone until at least after you propose.”

“You don’t have to do that, Leah.” I told her, cutting out a picture of Bram and I cheesing out with big smiles and closed eyes.

“No, it’s okay, I like that it’s still pretty much a secret. Very compelling and I discovered keeping it secret is something that actually gets me going if you know what I mean.” We both laughed until Leah caught herself and touched my knee. “Oh! And can we talk about Abby, ‘she’ and Nick makes three?!”

“Oh my god I’ve been waiting so long to talk to you about that!”

“Who do you think it is?!”

We stopped cutting pictures to social media creep on Nick and Abby’s profiles to try to narrow it down to at least five or six suspects. Because that’s what good friends do. The rest of the day turned into cutting the remaining photos and taping them on my door until we put together a pretty badass collage of Bram and I across my door while we brought down the five or six suspects to three or four.

“Si, this looks great,” Leah said, picking up scraps of cut photo paper.

“It does, thanks to you,” I smiled.

“So are you going to do the rose petals?” She inquired.

“Yeah…yeah I have to, right?” I said. “I think everyone deserves rose petals spelling something out in front of them at least once in their lives.”

“I concur.” She grinned.

“I also just realized…I’ll have to sleep with my door open or Bram will see everything.” I discovered, not thinking clearly before cutting everything out and hanging it.

“I realized that after hanging the first photograph, but you looked so darn happy I didn’t want to ruin it.”

“Take it down and put it up later?”

“Absolutely.”

We took all of the photos off and put them into a shoebox that Leah offered to take home with her. Not that Bram would purposely find them, but with my luck, he'd accidentally come upon them in a weird stroke of luck. When we were done, Leah went downstairs to help Dad with any remaining soccer talk.

“You coming?” She asked.

“No, I got to work on something up here, give me like a half hour.” I almost told her about the poem because she trusted me with the knowledge of her and Ian finally dating, but I want to stick to my guns about this poem being a genuine Simon Spier.

I lay in bed and over the course of about forty-five minutes suss out another good chunk of organized words.

Bzzz.

Bram  
_Hi, I miss you, can I see you?_

_Of course, are you at your house?_

.  
..  
…  
_I’m a little closer, come downstairs :)_

I quickly hide my notepad between my mattress and looked for any lingering pictures of us. Leave no trace of proposal materials. Bram is essentially all five of the Scooby-Doo characters in one, efficient, beautiful human form and would easily start to deduce the mystery of the random cut out photo on my wall.

I walked downstairs and Bram took over from Dad with the soccer talk as Ian was in deep conversation with him. Dad seemed to escape and he walked over to me.

“Is it possible to know too much about soccer?” Dad asked me.

“He’s like a computer that only knows soccer facts, right?” I replied. “It actually impresses the heck out of the ladies at school.”

Bram eyed me talking to Dad and I pretend not to notice. He excused himself and came over to me and laid a kiss on my cheek.

“Hey, B” I purred.

“Hi.” He replied through his slightly parted lips, begging for a kiss on them. I complied and he grinned. “You know quite a bit about soccer, Jack. At least according to Ian.”

“Are you serious? He talked the whole time and I would just try to remember phrases to repeat back to him and then he’s go off on another tangent,” Dad replied, almost exhausted looking form the conversation. “How long were you and Leah up there?”

“About an hour?” I answered.

“What were you guys doin’ up there?” Bram asked, in a genuinely honest manner.

Shit.

“They were giving feedback on my music. I finally let them listen to it.” Nora for the save.

“So now I’m not the only ones who heard it?” Bram said, crossing his arms and bulged out his muscular forearms.

“Finally realized Si’s opinion on music could be valuable,” Nora replied.

“I know it is for me, he’s blown up my library.” Bram answered.

The rest of the night had Mom and Dad exit upstairs to bed with Nora heading to a friend’s house. Leah then excused herself as Ian ‘went to Alice’s room to sleep’ and snuck out the back to follow Leah home. It left Bram and me and we headed upstairs to my room. He inhaled deeply.

“Why did you do that?” I said to him through a scrunched face.

“I missed the smell of your room.” He admitted, tucking his chin to his chest as we laid in bed. I saw the little wrinkle he got above his nose when he told me something that he thought was embarrassing. It’s the cutest.

“Oh? And what is that smell?” I asked, cozying up closer to him.

“Your laundry detergent,” He kissed me chin. “Your deodorant,” He kissed my nose. “Your shampoo,” He kissed my left cheek. “Your body wash,” He kissed my right cheek. “Your musk,” He kissed my lips easily as they were hanging slightly apart. “All of it with a hint of Oreos and sweetened coffee.”

“Sugar and spice and everything nice.” I replied as I kiss him back.

In that moment I get mad at myself because I want to just propose, right here, right now. I bit my lip and swallowed the idea because Bram deserved the best and I wanted to give him that. It was hard to fight the urge as he looked so beautiful staring directly into my eyes, light glistening from the dark of his pupils.

I know he’d say yes right now, without hesitation. But he deserved to be treated like the king he is, like anyone else who gets proposed to.

“What are you thinking about?” Bram asked, slightly fogging up my glasses.

I ran my hands through his hair and massaged his scalp as his eyes closed.

“You. Always you. Forever you. You?”

I rubbed his scalp with my fingertips as a grin grew across his beautiful face.

“You. Always you. Forever you.”

“I’ve been quoted by the famous Abraham Greenfeld? I’m going to be a star!” I said in an old radio announcer voice that caused Bram to adorably laugh and show his teeth in a huge smile. I took that opportunity to kiss him again as his lips closed around mine. I rubbed his scalp until I knew he drifted to sleep. I felt the minute elevation from my side of the bed from my notebook and knew, in that moment, how to finish the poem.


	10. Lightly Down Onto A Pillow

“Can I at least have the ring box?” I requested from Dad in more of an order tone than a question.

Dad saw that it was about that time as he agreed to get the ring and went upstairs to retrieve it.

It was the day before our anniversary _and_ proposal day. At the end of January is when the snow and slush in the streets stopped being fun and started being annoying. This winter break was wonderful, filled with Abby and Nick explaining all of their fun stories, Leah taking our conversations to use as examples in her sociology finals, and Bram and I spending nearly every second together.

School was due to start again, but I informed all of my professors before I left for break that I would miss the first few days of classes. After I informed them why, most of them smiled, nodded their heads, and told me they’d email me the syllabi and what I can work on before I came back. One of them even bought me a bottle of wine as a gift.

While Dad was upstairs, my mind drifted back to New Years Eve.

I finished the poem on New Years Eve as Bram laid on my chest. I both wanted him to stay and leave because I wanted to write the rest of the poem but I could never ask him to leave when he looked so comfortable and I loved seeing him there. The smell of bacon did, however, motivate both of us to get up as we came downstairs to Mom, Dad, Nora, Ian, and Alice.

“Good morning star shines,” Alice said sipping coffee.

“Alice is so cool,” Ian said, shoveling eggs into his mouth. “She doesn’t know too much about soccer, but neither do you, but that’s okay, she makes up for it in smarts.”

“Thank you…what’s your name again?” Alice asked.

“Ian.”

I made Bram and I plates as my family made small talk over their breakfasts. It was fun seeing everyone sitting and talking and getting along with each other. It made me think of Bram and I’s wedding day and how I would make him plan all of it, mostly because asking his parents, getting the ring, and doing what I’m doing for the proposal took a lot out of me. Plus I know he loved planning, especially with the logistics of a wedding.

I didn’t talk much at the table because I kept repeating the lines over and over in my head that I wanted to add to the poem. I caught Bram stealing glances at me and it made me so unbelievably happy. I grabbed his hand as I repeated lines over and over again while he ate with his free hand.

We finished breakfast and Bram had to leave as he was getting yet another call from his work. He kissed me on the cheek and ran out to his car. His butt looked so good when he ran; it was the best part of watching him play soccer in high school.

Once he drove away, I rushed upstairs to write all the thoughts I kept repeating to myself through breakfast. I hope nobody said anything too important because I wasn’t listening.

There. I did it. I was finally done. I wrote the final poem on a clean sheet of paper and read it over and over again. This was it, I hope he likes it!

Bram and I celebrated his birthday a few weeks later where I was, again, tempted to propose, but I still didn’t have the ring and Bram deserved a ring. And the proposal. So I didn’t say anything and the normally insightful Bram didn’t even notice my weird energy because he seemed preoccupied himself.

“What’s on your mind?” I asked him. His pensive stare was so stoic, statuesque, and sexy that when I broke his trance, I was a little upset with myself. “Thinking about school?”

“Yeah.” Bram replied hollowly. “Like usual when we get back into the groove of being together we have to go back to being apart.”

“But hey, at least you didn’t have to take the January semester this year, that’s something. And we’re going to be able to be with each other this year on our anniversary.”

When Bram heard the word anniversary, he smiled and his rigidness melted as he leaned his head on me.

“You’re right, sorry. I want this year’s anniversary to be the best we’ve had so far.”

I couldn’t agree more. We took anniversaries very seriously since the day in his Honda Civic. It was a big step for him and an important deal for us. It was when, for the first time in a long time, either of us felt so…normal. Not having to hide and having each other every step of the way. It was the reason I wanted to propose on our anniversary, the meaning will be more than obvious. I kissed him on the forehead, knowing what was coming and him (hopefully) blissfully unaware of what was to come.

That was last week.

Dad came back downstairs with a black felt ring box with a red bow wrapped around it. He handed it to me and I took it gently. I know Dad spent a lot of time finding this ring and I could see it in his watering eyes that it meant a lot to him to be a part of the proposal. It’s always hard for sons to tell their fathers properly how much they mean to each other, gay or straight.

“Thank you so much Dad. You know, don’t tell Mom, but now you have the most involvement with the proposal.”

Dad let a smile grow in his face. “You know what, you’re right and I’m going to hold on to that feeling. Speaking of which, how are you feeling? Tomorrow will come super fast.”

“Yep.” I wasn’t as nervous as I could've been because of Mom. We went shopping and gathered all of the ingredients for our dinner. It was nice to have her there to remember all the necessary items I would have forgotten and then I’d be serving Bram and I peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which he would love too but I wanted tomorrow to be more special than PB&J.

“It’s alight to be nervous, Si. They don’t call it float lightly down onto a pillow, they call it jumping in.” Dad was wise as he was nerdy. Now I know where I got it from.

I have the ring and that was the most important (and last) thing on my mental checklist. Leah was on her way over to help me hang the pictures again before she had to go to another reunion meeting at the high school.

“I just don’t understand why they need to meet with you so much.” I asked while we re-taped the backs of all the cut-out pictures.

“There’s a lot of logistics into planning such a big event, Si. Tables, chairs, caterers, hotels, the school itself, and everyone has an opinion.” She replied sticking a picture in an empty spot.

“But to have a meeting every other day the entire time we've been back? What did they do when you weren't here?”

“Oh, they did fine. It’s just different when the date grows closer and closer people tend to become more flustered with already decided paths. Speaking of that, you’re calm?” Leah joked.

“I kinda am…I think I’ve finally taken all of my family’s and friend’s advice. I’m starting to think I should have been doing this since high school, I feel great!”

Leah and I finished the collage of pictures and it looked even better than it did last time. Alice knocked on the door and  brought in the dozen roses I ordered.

“Alice? I thought you had to hit the road?”

“Me too, but it seems the weather has a different story.” She showed me her phone and her flight was cancelled. There’s a storm in Boston, so flights were grounded until further notice. “Apparently it could be a few days, so it looks like I’ll be able so see this proposal after all.”

I smiled so wide and hugged Alice as I took the roses and she patted me on the back.

“So what are you going to spell out anyway?” Alice asked.

“The idea is ‘Abraham,’ but let’s see if a dozen roses is enough.”

Alice, Leah and I all plucked off the petals and piled them up until only green stems remained.

“He loves me, he loves me not.” Leah said, jokingly. We finished spelling 'Abraha' on the bed. I didn’t spell that wrong, we were out of petals.

“You could just disperse the amount of petals so you have enough for the ‘m.’” Alice suggested.

“But I like how the letters look with tighter petal overlap.” Leah commented.

“Or I we could just spell Bram?” I say.

Leah and Alice teamed up with me for a judgmental look.

“Oh, no, no, no, Simon.” Alice started.

“No-no,” Leah finished.

“Are you proposing to him or are you ‘prop-ing’ to him?” They both walked up to me with glares.

“No nicknames?”

“Correct,” Alice said. “I’ll go buy another dozen. My treat, Bub.” Alice left the room and blew me a kiss. While she’s gone, Leah and I began to unwrap set candles around my room.

“This has got to be a fire hazard. And what are your parents going to do with all these candles when you’re done using them for ten minutes?” She asked.

“I dunno, tell your reunion committee you have parting gifts.”

“Who would want to a partially used candle?”

“People who will actually go to the reunion.” Leah shot me a look. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

“Speaking of which, I’ll be at school hopefully done with the meeting tomorrow night to be back to celebrate after. I promise I won’t miss it.”

I told my parents and the gang to come to the house around 10pm to have a celebratory drink. I guess you could say I did have some confidence Bram would say yes.

“You better not, if I wanted anyone else there after Bram, it would be you.”

She smiled and winked at me as we finished strategically placing the candles around my room. We talked about how Nick and Abby still have not confirmed who the other person in their relationship and that made us think it could be someone from high school. That lead into speculation and more creeping on social media with old high school acquaintances who went to school or lived in New York. During our investigation, Alice returned with another bouquet of roses. We shut the computer quickly and stared at her.

“I saw Simon do that only once, so I don’t want to know what you were looking at.”

She laughed as Leah gave me a disgusted look and I denied every claim they made. We finished spelling Abraham on the bed and it looked really good. So good that I realized I didn’t want to move it.

“Looks like the couch has my name on it.” I said. Ian flew back to Yale yesterday. Both Leah and I wanted him to stay, but the professors weren’t as forgiving to have him miss his first days. Alice saw the ring box with the bow from Dad.

“He finally gave it to you?” Alice commented. “That only took forever.”

“I have faith that Dad had his reasons and that it will be badass.”

“It will be…and Simon, your room. This all looks badass, good job.” Alice complimented.

“Now that I see it all together, it does Simon. Bram is going to love the collage.”

“Well, in the theatre world,” I started to Leah sighing and Alice making a fart noise with her mouth and hand. “In the theatre world! Sometimes the best way to build a good pay off is misdirection: have Bram notice the candles so I can shut the door which will lead him to the bed with his name spelled out so I can pull out the ring and get on one knee and by the time he turns around, he sees me, the ring, and the pictures of us. And he’ll be recently fed, so he’ll be in an even better mood.”

“Good planning, Si,” Alice commented. She said the words, but it sounded like there was a space of her feeling underwhelmed. I’m probably just looking into it so I looked to Leah who nodded her head in approval, so at least I have that going for me.

“Si!” Nora shouted from downstairs. “Bram is here!”

I smiled like I always smiled when I hear my boyfriend’s name, soon to be fiancé’s name.

“Remember, we all have to keep him out of my room. Which will be hard because we both like my room.”

“Not the only thing that will be hard.” Leah jokes. Ian has rubbed off on her. And now I guess so have I. Someone stop me.

“Ew, gross, you got it, Bub, we won’t let him anywhere near the threshold.” Alice promised.

We all head downstairs and there in a nice v-neck and black jeans was my beautiful boyfriend, sun setting behind him. I immediately went to him and kissed him, extra long, extra hard.

“What’s that for?” He asked coyly since we kissed in front of my siblings and parents.

“For fun.” I replied.

Leah went to her meeting at Creekwood as the family, Bram, and I all went to Waffle House for dinner. It was Alice’s idea to get us out of the house and to give more reason not to have Bram and I go to my room.

“So how’s relaxing been, Bram?” Dad asked. “Seems like you’ve definitely needed it by the way Simon’s made it sound.”

“Not the best,” Bram answered. Since the beginning of his break, the station and his professors had been calling him at least once or twice a day, he’s typed away on his computer when we’ve been hanging out on the couch, and he’s been a little distracted lately. I haven’t minded, I love watching him work. He’s also been pleasantly surprised because I am not the completely needy Simon I have been in the past. Wonder where all this new confidence came from? “Even though I didn’t take the January Semester it feels like I still am. I may tell them to give me a few credits.”

“I hate to see you too stressed out, B,” I replied, rubbing his shoulder. He put his hand on mine.

“Well, it should be over soon. Working for the station is fun, but finishing school at the same time is work. I won’t miss college, I guarantee. Simon, we should go on a nice, long vacation this summer or fall before we move to New York.”

I planned on that. As a wedding present, Mom and Dad offered to help pay for our honeymoon. In return, Mom made sure I promised to visit the house, with Bram, for no less than four major holidays per year. I think we could pull that off. I have a few places in mind once the proposal part is over and Bram and I can talk about it together.

Together. Together forever. God I like the sound of that. I squeezed his shoulder and his hand squeezed mine in response.

“I agree, you deserve a good vacation.”

Bram’s phone rung and he closed his eyes and exhaled. He wiped his mouth and looked at the call. “Sorry guys, I have to take this.” He stood up from the table and walked outside to take the call.

“He needs to relax,” Mom said, staring at him through the restaurant window. “He’ll have the rest of his life to stress about work.”

We continued to chat and eat for a few minutes until I saw Bram hang up the phone and place his hands on his head. Alice followed my glance and looked at Bram too until he  entered the doors. He’s so cute, but he looks so torn.

“Hey, Alice, can I talk to you outside?”

We all look at Alice who finished sipping her Diet Coke and looked at Bram. She is good at handling herself in awkward situations.

“Sure.” Alice got up and looked to me with ‘don’t hate me’ eyes.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, kind of starting to get worried.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s just a work related question that I don’t want to bore you all with. It won’t be long.” He shot me a reassuring smile and my anxiety melted away. If there was a problem worth talking to me about he would. New Simon doesn't overthink.

Alice and Bram walked outside and we all tried to not look as a group, but all we can do is look at random times. When I first glanced, Bram looked like he was explaining something with Alice intently listening. I looked back at my plate and swirled around the last of my waffle in syrup. When I looked again, Bram paced as Alice spoke with a calm expression. I ate the last bite of my waffle and sipped my water and when I looked the last time, they were hugging. That’s a good sign, right?

They walked back in together and Alice yelled from the front door, “Family, don’t be weird about this, let’s just finish eating, people are entitled to have conversations with other people in private.” The other patrons stared at them as they walked past the tables and finished eating. I turned to Bram.

“So everything is good?” I asked again, just to be clear.

Bram smiled. “Yep, Alice is a smart lady.”

He kissed my cheek and finished his meal. Bram knew I’d been better at being more confident and trusting and not second guessing but there is tiny, minute, microscopic seed growing in warmth below my stomach. I was becoming nervous. ‘It’s okay to be nervous’ I heard Dad’s words in my head, ‘it’s why it’s called jumping in.’ Maybe this was just proposal nerves and I was over reacting to my possible fiancé speaking to my sister in private outside a Waffle House. When I said it out loud, the growing burn went back to a subtle luke-warmness. The premise was laughable and a smile returned to my face as I placed my arm around his chair. I leaned on his shoulder and I could feel him chew.

Mom paid the bill and we all piled in the car back to the house. Nora and Alice belted out ‘Ironic’ when it came on the radio to the entertainment of all of us in the car. When we got to the house, Bram pulled me aside.

“Hey handsome,” he started. He called me handsome when he was about to ask me a favor.

“Hi gorgeous,” I replied.

“Would you be mad at me if I went home? I had a late night last night and I have more work to do and I’d rather finish it tonight so it can be just us all day tomorrow?”

I pulled Bram to me and laid a warm, deep kiss on his lips. He went to pull back but I kept going and he stopped pulling away. I placed my hands on his cheeks and he placed his hands lightly on mine. When I pulled back, I could see his plump, moist lips and he bit his bottom one.

“Never, ever. I love you Abraham Greenfeld. When you need to work, you need to work. You’re all mine tomorrow.” I gave him one light kiss and he smiled, but not as brightly as usual. “Seriously, last time I’ll ask, are you sure you’re okay?”

He looked up at me with his coffee brown eyes as the last remnants of the sun glistened them.

“I love you more, and yes.” He placed his hand on my cheek and leaned into it.

“Then go do what you need to do. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

Bram walked towards his car and stopped. His frame never looked tighter and reminded me of a Greek statue. He didn’t move for a moment until he turned around and walked back to me with a quick pace. He kissed me hard. Passionately. Aggressively. I felt so protected as our lips moved in pressing motions against another and my knees started to feel weak. After what felt like five minutes, he slowed his kisses until he pulled away and licked his lips.

“I love you, so incredibly, so deeply, Simon.”

“I love you so, so, so much. Now go before I change my mind.”

He smiled and this time successfully made it to his car and left. I went inside and my family talked about tomorrow and how excited they are but my mind is still focused back on the minute burning of nerves. We all gathered around the TV to watch more Bachelor episodes and laugh. After four episodes Mom, Dad, and Nora go to bed and Alice stayed next to me on the couch.

“I know you can’t stop thinking about what happened at dinner.” She accused.

“It’s not just that.” I said, confirming her suspicions. “It’s a combination of that and I’m nervous for tomorrow and I can sense Bram isn’t telling me something, but he wants to.” When I said this scenario out loud, it didn’t sound crazy like when I thought it back at the restaurant. The nervous burn grew a little in size.

Alice exhaled loudly and didn’t say anything. She usually has something to say, whether it is helpful or hilarious, but this time she was just quiet. The burn grew again.

“Simon, trust Bram. Trust yourselves. Trust.”

Alice kissed me on the head and coverd me up on the couch. I felt like she wanted to say more but knew not to say anything. There’s nothing she could really say to me right now that would make me feel calmer. Except maybe Bub.

Everything I felt I learned over the past year with confidence, every part of me that grew in my relationship hinged on this moment. Will I fall back into old habits of self-sabotage or fall forward into progress?

My mind went over everything it could, analyzing the last six months. Conversations with Bram, conversations about Bram with Abby, Nick and Leah, and it all didn’t have any raised flags. I scrolled through out texts as far back as my phone had saved them and it all came up nothing. I went through Bram’s social media presence, but it wasn't much. He only appeared in tagged pictures on Facebook and barely used Instagram, both of which provided no insight. Perhaps I was just over thinking it.

I turned the TV on to try to allow the dull glow of Forensic Files to lull me to sleep. It was on low volume, I was warm, it was late, but nothing worked me into a restful state to fall asleep. A new episode was about to start when my phone vibrated. I closed my eyes not to sleep, but to prepare myself. It was three thirty-eight. Texts at three thirty-eight in the morning were never good.

Bram  
_Come outside. Please._  
.  
..  
…  
_I know you’re up._

He knew me too well. It took all of my strength to fight my gut instinct and plunge backwards into old Simon and start making wild accusations in my head, causing me not to be present while we talked.  I breathed in and out for a few moments before I replied.

_Be out in a minute._

I put on my coat and a hat and I go outside to have my glasses immediately fogged in the cold weather. Through the fog I saw Bram’s car and the trail of exhaust coming from the tail pipe. I walk slowly towards the car, both because it was cold and I was even more nervous than before and wanted more time to prepare. I determined that whatever Bram had to say to me in person at three-thirty in the morning, I had to let him speak and I could not answer at all or I may not be able to hold back the vomit or tears or words I’m trying so hard to keep from coming out. Which is crazy because I didn't even know if what he said would be bad. But a part of me knew it wasn't good.

I reached the door and I opened it, getting in the front seat to a warm car. The car door shut and my glasses fogged slightly in the change of temperature. Blurry Bram was still so cute, but his expression was very serious. I could also see in the back seat where there are bags. Not a good start.

“Simon.” Bram whispered, barely moving his lips, staring at his steering wheel.

I didn’t answer. I think Bram knew I wouldn’t…I couldn’t answer. He inhaled, looked down at his chest and shifted his body toward mine.

“I was going to drop a letter in your mailbox…but when I got to it, I couldn’t do it. You deserve better than a letter.”

I started to become numb, but not from the cold. The nervous fire grew inside me.

“I knew I had to tell you in person so you didn’t think I was a coward.”

Hold it together, Spier. I fought urges to speak as I sat in the passenger seat staring at the dashboard.

“The call I took at Waffle House…it was the station. They knew I was headed to New York after graduation and so they promoted me to give me on-air experience. For the next six months, I’ll be writing and filming my own news stories. I start Tuesday. I have to leave now to get back in time.”

The nervous fire was extinguished, but what was left was emptiness. It wasn’t bad news, but I wasn’t thrilled. Bram put his hand on mine and squeezed and I squeezed back.

“I know how much our anniversary means to us and I guess I was so afraid of letting you down that I was…I just was so scared to tell you because this moment, right now, is one of the most painful experiences of my life.”

He moved his hand to my face and I fell into it. I looked at Bram and he moved his eyes away from mine. I formulated what I wanted to say as he continued.

“But I know that our future is also important, for both of us. Not just my future, but _our_ future. This could be a very big deal and help us settle when we move and –”

“Bram,” I finally said, moving my fingers across his lips. “Go.” It sounded harsher than I meant it and Bram shot me a weird, hurt look. I had to clarify because that look stabbed me, shredded my insides, and left me breathless. “You have to go. This is a big opportunity that can be good for your career. And our future. It’s a no brainer.”

He exhaled hard as a tear fell from his eye. I wiped it away with my thumb and held back my own. I spoke in fragments to drive home that I meant what I said.  He leaned in to me more.

“I love you so much. I love that you care so deeply about us. But I’m also not selfish enough to want keep you here if this is something you need to do. And we’ll have many more anniversaries to come.” Bram still wasn’t looking up, it was time to return the favor he sent me months ago. I started to sing softly as I leaned closer to him.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know, Bram, how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.”

Bram squeezed his eyes and more tears fell out when he finally looked up at me with hazy pinks.

“We’re Simon and Bram,” I told him, pulling his face closer to mine. “Don’t feel bad at all, don’t feel guilty at all. We got this. I’m going to miss the hell out of you, but hopefully I can see you more than twice this semester.”

Our lips are just inches apart until I pulled him to mine and laid a kiss upon them.

“I love you so much, Simon. I promise this will all be worth it.”

I remained silent. I needed to remain silent. If I didn’t, I’d cry myself and in a couple when one of you is hurting, the other has to be the lighthouse leading you out of the hurt. If both are lost, you may never find a way out. It’s why it took us so long in high school to find each other in the first place.

Since I had no words, I kissed him again, both our lips trembled. I clicked the handle and stepped out of his car. He rolled down the window as I shut the door and I leaned in one last time.

“Text me when you land,” I asked. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle hearing your voice.” He nodded quickly and wiped his face from the tears. I extended my hand to him and he grabbed it and kissed it repeatedly and placed it against his cheek. “I love you Abraham Louis Greenfeld.”

I pulled my hand away from his warm cheek and with it went the warmth from my heart. The window rolled up and Bram drove away. I’m left on the lightly snowy grass, cold, not being able to move, lost in thought.

When I walked back, it hit me that Bram left. Everything I’ve planned since August evaporated before four o’clock in the morning on the day of our anniversary. No more proposal. At least not today.

It knocked the wind out of me as I opened my bedroom and saw the candles and flower petals spelling Abraham. I felt so much weird pain, but we didn’t break up, but why did it feel that way? Why do I feel empty and why can’t I talk to Bram about why I feel this way? I didn’t fall backwards, but I didn’t feel like I moved forward either. I just stayed put, is that better? When life is running forward, can you afford to sit on the track and let it out of your sight?

I lay on my bed on top of the rose petals and felt the lump of my poem notebook on my back. I kept it there to also remind me to memorize it. That was it, that was the trigger that caused me to bawl. Why does it feel like such a let down? It’s not like I won’t propose another day, but I wanted to badly to be engaged. I wanted to be Bram Greenfeld’s fiancé, I wanted to be Bram Greenfeld’s husband. And I know that’s selfish but I want to be selfish about Bram.  I worked so hard with Elijah and Tracy and Mom and Dad and everyone else’s support. I guess it felt like not only was I let down, but I let them down as well.

It was still our anniversary and I didn’t want to associate this night with all the rest of them. Bram didn’t deserve my selfishness to affect our day. I pulled out my phone.

_Bram, I don’t want our fifth anniversary to be associated with either of us feeling this way.  
I did have some things planned, but there was one gift I have to give you._

I didn’t have to look at the notebook; I had it memorized.

_Blue Oreos – A poem for Abraham Greenfeld_

_Blue Oreos_  
_Digitally sent in heart shapes_  
_Punctuation. Is. Key. To. Identity._  
_Wrapped shirts_  
_Pinned notes_  
_Not ready for Spotlight_  
_But ready to grow_  
_Steps of a Baby_  
_Started light, became heavy_  
_Nothing we couldn’t carry_  
_Ferris Wheel, Tilt a Whirl_  
_We realized we weren’t for girls_  
_He saved me_  
_Beating hearts_  
_Touching skin_  
_Skipping Lunch_  
_Together again._  
_College came, nothing changed_  
_We got strong_  
_We got game_  
_There may been doubt_  
_But not by us_  
_Because what I want_  
_Is_  
_You. Always you. Forever you._  
_Us._


	11. Blue Oreos

I didn’t sleep. I laid on my bed, stared at the ceiling, and played memories upon it as the sun rose and threw light into my room. I couldn’t stop predicting the future and playing out how I thought the proposal would have looked, how Bram would have reacted, how he would have kissed me in a different way because we were fiancés. It didn’t lull me to sleep, it made me more awake, more aware it wasn’t happening, more tears.

I rolled over to my side and looked out the window at the light of day. I think it was seven or eight in the morning. My phone vibrated a few times, but there’s no one I am interested in speaking to right now. If I knew Bram, he probably sent messages to my parents, my siblings, and my friends to be sure to check on me. I don’t need to be checked on, I just need to be alone for a while. Thankfully, I locked the door before I laid in bed so when people tried to come in, they couldn’t.

I’m not mad at Bram, I’m not sad at Bram. I wasn’t lying when I told him in the car that I understood he needed to this and I meant it. That doesn’t mean it still didn’t hurt, but I could see it hurt him too. I’ll be able to get over this, but I’m not sure how long it will take me. I’d like to think I’m currently handling this better than my old self would have, so I’m focusing on the positives.

Vibrations from my phone in various patterns sounded off from texts and calls. When Abby was done trying to call me for the third time, I turned my phone on silent and tossed it on the floor. Soft jiggles on the door showed that yet another Spier attempted to enter with no luck. Can they not take a hint?

I played _XO_ on repeat from my room speakers to let them know I was in here and I was fine, but to leave me alone. The pictures on the door of Bram and I almost mocked me, but again I felt bad for thinking that. Bram needed to go and I told him to go and I let him go. If this were a movie, I would have run down the street after his car and told him to stay and we would have kissed and I would have proposed. But again, that would have been selfish of me. And I’m working on being a better me.

Waltz #2 came on and tears formed in my eyes. It was kind of our first song when we were Blue and Jacques. I know you’re probably thinking why I would listen to this album when I’m upset, especially when our song is on it. My response: Why is it okay to listen to happy songs when you’re happy and not sad songs when you’re sad? Why is being sad while listening to sad music a taboo? Isn’t the point of it supposed to be therapeutic? Oh, god, I’m starting to sound like Mom.

I must have dozed off for a little while because I woke up and the sun was higher in the sky. The candles looked like white tombstones around my room, symbols of perished memories that might have been. I need to get out of here or I may go a little stir crazy.

I sat up and rose petals fell from my back while a few stuck to my skin. I put on clothes while staring at the picture collage around my door. Seeing the pictures of us both made me feel better and dug a deeper pit in my stomach. I wanted so much for the proposal to be this weekend. I can’t bring myself to take them down.

I picked up my phone and I had, not joking, eighty texts from my friends and family along with sixteen missed calls. I turned my vibration back on and scrolled through them briefly. They were filled with apologies and the general responses that one would receive had they known you were stripped of proposing.

I open all the texts to dismiss the notifications, but don’t  read them. I’m not looking for sympathy or apologies; I don’t know what I’m looking for. This is such a surreal feeling that I don’t know how to feel about what happened. What I know I _didn’t_ need was people treating me like our relationship _ended_. There was one text from Bram, probably telling me he landed, but I couldn’t open it. Not yet.

I put on pants and brushed the few petals from my back before I threw on the Elliott Smith shirt. I hadn't worn it ever since he bought it for me, but needed to wear it today. I unlocked my door and noticed a few sleeves of Oreos and bottles of ice coffee with a note from Leah resting on the ground outside.

_Simon,_

_I woke up to Bram calling me this morning and he told me everything. I am so, so sorry. I know how much of yourself you threw into this amazing proposal and please don’t think this is an indication of his feelings. He is so madly, desperately, insanely in love with you._

_I know how you’re probably feeling right now and I wish I could be there, but I’m going to be at the school with the reunion committee till about seven. Please meet me then and we can talk about whatever you want._

_Enjoy the snacks and stay positive. I love you._

_Leah_

I read the note as a tear fell on the page. God, I’ve been emotional lately. I picked up the coffees and they were still slightly chilled and moved the Oreos into the room with feet. I opened the ice coffee, but wanted to save the Oreos for later.

I walked downstairs and there are way too many people in the living room: Mom, Dad, Alice, Nora, Abby, Nick, Elijah, Tracy, and even Ruth. If they were wearing black, it would look like a goddamn wake. All of their eyes immediately switched to that of pity and sorrow and it made me uncomfortable. I tried walking into the kitchen but Mom stopped me.

“Simon,” She exclaimed in a controlled yell. I stopped and walked backwards into the threshold of the living room from the hallway. “We respected your space when you locked the door and didn’t answer your phone. Can we talk to you now?”

So therapist-y. They needed to take a page of the Leah Burke book and just leave a note and sugary snacks. I teased and pushed my hair out of my face and adjusted my glasses.

“I mean, I guess, but there’s nothing really to talk about.”

“This must have been upsetting for you, Simon. I’m sorry.” Elijah said with Ruth on his lap.

I just nodded. I didn’t want to say thank you. He wasn’t helping, he was stating the obvious.

“Don’t give up on Abraham, dear,” Tracy added.

Again, I’m not. Parents are the worst sometimes.

“Si, I know what you need,” Nick started as the group stared at him. They must have rehearsed this and Nick went off-script, thank god. “It’s one o’clock. How’s bout you, me, and Abbs go get some drinks?”

Mom turned to Nick with a squinted glare as Dad gave the ‘huh, good idea’ head nod. It was the only good thing uttered in the room.

“Sure, let me get cuter jeans on.” I replied and took a swig of my coffee. I stopped before going upstairs and looked into the room at Alice.

“Alice, did Bram mention this to you yesterday?” I asked. The group looked to her and for the first time in my life, she looked uncomfortable.

“No,” she replied, shaking her head slowly.

“What _did_ he say to you?” I inquired.

“Bub…I promised him I wouldn’t say anything, I’m sorry,” Alice said, covering her mouth with her fingers and leaned on her palm. Bram also kept promises because it was important to him that his friends could trust him. Thinking about Bram made me sad so instead of probing further, I continued to walk upstairs and finished my ice coffee.

I quickly threw on new pants and looked at the ring box on my desk. My lips trembled and I ran down the stairs past Dad who tried to talk to me. I got into the back of Nick’s car and Mom followed us outside. Dad leaned on the threshold and crossed his arms as Alice stood behind him, looking at my general direction. I didn't look back, but I could sense she was trying to get me to give her attention.

“Be sure you call me if you need a ride,” Mom told Nick who was in the driver’s seat.

“I don’t think that will be a problem, Mrs. Spier,” Abby said.

I sat in the back seat with another ice coffee, sipping it slowly. Mom looked at me and then whispered something in to Nick’s ear. He nodded back and she kissed him on the cheek. She looked at me with a closed-mouth Mom smile and leaned out of the car. It seemed everyone has secrets lately and I’m the last to know. I turned my head away and stared out the window.

Nick pulled out of the drive way and we started towards the bar. He had to search on his phone for what bars were open until he found one and put the GPS on to get us there. Abby turned on the radio and the painful song ‘Heavy’ by Linkin Park played.

 _I don't like my mind right now_  
_Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary_  
_Wish that I could slow things down_  
_I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic_

Abby changed the station, knowing the nature of the song and that it is about letting go.

“Abby, please turn it back.” I said in a raspy voice. She turned it back and held my hand from the front seat, eyes large and puppy-dog-like.

 _I'm holding on_  
_Why is everything so heavy?_  
_Holding on_  
_It’s so much more than I can carry_

“You guys, please, can we change it?” Nick asked, gripping the steering wheel.

“Is it not okay for me to be sad?” I asked Nick with slight attitude.

“That’s not it at all and you know it.” I knew he didn’t like seeing me upset. Even when were kids and biking on the street one day, I fell off and got scraped up pretty decently. It hurt and I was near crying as Nick biked back to my house to get Dad. When Dad came, he told me Nick stayed behind. Dad brought me to the house and then Nick came back over. “I never like to see people hurting and this song…”

 _Why is everything so heavy?_ Kiiara asked as she started to sing.

“Okay, we can turn it.”

Nick attacked the seek button and went to the next station. The rest of the car ride was quiet as he tried to find a station without any hints of sadness in the song. If there was, he’s flip the station again. I knew Nick and this was his way of trying to help me feel better. And it wasn’t lost on me.

We walked into a local crap hole bar because it’s the only kind of bar that’s open at one in the afternoon on a Monday. It smelled like the last time they cleaned was years ago and all the furniture was worn and rickety. Nick and Abby were put off, but in the moment I didn’t care. I wanted a drink.

I am the first to walk further in and I sat at the bar. There are only two other people in here, but by the looks of it they’ve been here awhile. Nick and Abby sat on each side of me as they tried to get comfortable until Abby noticed the bartender.

“Martin?”

His hair was longer and blonde and he turned around and confirmed it was, in fact, Martin Addison. He looked pretty much the same except for his eyes, which looked a little duller, and some lines began to form around his nose. He had a light beard that wasn’t full enough to look like he was trying to grow it.

“Abby? Nick? S…Simon.” He said as he walked over.

“You work here?” Nick asked in a voice that didn’t hide his surprise or judgment.

Martin scoffed and leaned down to pull up shot glasses. “Yeah, I do.” He grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and poured four shots and set them in front of us. We shot them and the warmth that coursed down my throat reminded me of warmth I felt when I saw Bram. I pushed the shot glass towards Martin.

“Another.” I asked, but it was an order.

Martin complied and poured himself and me another shot. We picked up the shots, cheered each other, and took them. More Bram warmth in my stomach.

I wanted more. I needed more. I couldn’t stop thinking about more.

Abby stopped me. “Simon, we’re here to have drinks, not get wasted.”

Speak for yourself. But I guess she had a point. Last time we did this I went home drunk and was grounded. Wonder if Mom and Dad would try to ground me again. I shook my head at Abby and she ordered us all beers. Martin set the glasses down in front of us.

“So Martin,” Abby started after a sip of her beer, “What have you been up to since high school? I think the last time we all saw you was graduation.”

Abby may have cut us off, but Martin wasn’t finished with shots. He poured another and took it back with a hiss. “You’re lookin’ at it.”

A part of me was happy that the guy who outed me and had me manipulate my friends works in this shack of a bar. But the other part of me, the hurt and sad part, sympathized with seeing him like this.

“I’m surprised Martin,” I started, looking at the rows of alcohol on the bar. “Out of anyone from our school I would have sworn you would have gone to college to be an actor.”

It was an honest question, but my delivery was very dry and caused Abby’s eyes to bug and Nick to cover a small chuckle with his hand. They knew the gravity of what Martin did and probably thought I was trying to make him feel bad. For the record, I wasn’t. Martin shrugged his shoulders.

“You and me both, Simon.” He walked to the end of the bar, obviously not wanting to talk about painful memories. Which is the most ironic thing because he was responsible for the most painful one of my life so far. Or was that dethroned with today's events? Martin rubbed his nose and without looking at us said, “Those shots were on me.”

We grabbed the beers and find a table. A faded green lap hung above the booth and there were names carved onto the sticky table. I sipped my beer and Abby and Nick stared at me. It’s so weird when your friends are trying to help but tip toe around it.

“Is there something on my face?” I said, jokingly.

“Simon, what can we do?” Abby asked. “I know we’re here and that you’re upset but I don’t want to push you to talk if you’re not ready to.”

I sipped more of my beer. “There’s not much to talk about, Abbs. I wanted to do something, I planned it, and I wasn’t able to do it.”

“Weren’t able to do it, _yet_ ,” Abby clarified.

“Yeah, yet.” I answered.

“I know your mom,” Nick said as he wiped some beer from his lip. “It’s why I needed to get you out of there or she’d go all therapist on you and that, I know, is not what you wanted.”

I picked up my pint and we clicked them together and drank. “Thank you, this is exactly what I needed.”

“Ugh, you guys are being boys about this. Simon, I am actually missing the version of you that talked about what you were feeling. We want to know that you’re doing fine and what is worrying everybody is that you’re _not_ saying anything.”

Is that how my friends and family viewed me? Over-emotional and talkative? I furrowed by brow and leaned back in the booth. I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that, but when you’re in a mood, you interpret and believe statements based on your feelings at the moment.

“You guys, I’m fine…well, fine is the wrong word, but I will be fine.”

Abby slid her hand across the sticky table and it reminded me of Bram kissing my hand and placing it against his cheek. It made me tear up. I didn’t want to cry in this bar or in front of Martin, so I grabbed my beer and chugged it. I was able to use the excuse of the carbonation as why I teared up and then I grabbed Abby’s hand.

“I’ll get us another round.” Nick said as he walked back to the bar. A soon as he was out of ear shot, Abby inhaled.

“When I realized that I wanted to date both Nick and Rebecca,” Abby started, “I was so scared to talk to Nick about it because I didn’t want to compromise anything him and I had. Talking to someone about having an open relationship is scary because it could have ended us. I know how much confidence and effort it was to talk to Nick about that…I can’t imagine what you went through in the last few months preparing for today. What you and Bram have is…a fairy tale love. Your relationship is what we tell all of our friends in New York about what the perfect couple looks like; despite distance, they have stayed together, stayed loyal, stayed in love. I know you’re not talking and that is weird to us, but I know the Simon last year would have been out of commission from this and I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. You deserve to feel this way, Simon, but please let it lead to somewhere positive.”

I squeezed Abby’s hand. There was such an energy around her that made me feel calmer. It was similar to the effect Bram had on me, but not as strong. I think it’s why she was the first person I came out to (not over email).

“So her name is Rebecca.” I replied, finally knowing the identity of the mystery third party. A smile crept out of me.

“Yes, it’s Rebecca.”

“Rebecca Rouse?”

Abby was about to ask how I knew her last name, but stopped when she realized it.

“God damn Leah,” She laughed. I smiled and Nick returned with more beers and a smile as he saw me smile too.

Over the next few hours, we ordered food and drank more and Nick and Abby tried to get me to smile more or laugh, but it wasn’t going their way. I wanted to be able to laugh because I needed it just as much as they wanted to make it happen. The shots caught up to me and I had at least five beers so I was decently intoxicated. Abby and Nick decided to cut me off and wanted to take me home.

“No, not yet.” I slurred a little. “I’ll be fine and grab an Uber home. I just want to be alone for a while but not at the house.”

“Are you sure?" Nick said, worry dripping out of his mouth. He looked at Abby who glanced at her phone. “You could come to my place?”

“Yes. I’m fine guys, I’ll only have one more drink and then I have to head to Creekwood to meet Leah after her reunion thing.”

"And you'll for sure go? No having four more drinks and passing out at the table like that guy?" Abby questioned as she tilted her head at one of the regulars sleeping at his table.

"Promise," I replied, knowing I did not want to turn into a regular here.

Abby smiled and nodded at Nick. “Okay, Simon. Be good, okay?”

I nodded and gave a half-hearted smile. Nick and Abby hugged me and went to pay and Martin shook his head. They waved before they left and I finished the remnants of my beer. I walked to the digital jukebox all bars seem to have now which gave an extremely broad selection. I searched for the only song I wanted to listen to now that would make me feel better. And they have it.

Try A Little Tenderness began to play in the bar as the one awake regular stayed focused on his drink. I was drunk enough to start moving my body to the brass opening until Otis started singing and I sung along with him.

“Oh she may be weary, them young girls they do get wearied  
Wearing that same old shaggy dress, yeah, yeah  
But when she gets weary, try a little tenderness, yeah, yeah.”

I grabbed a ketchup bottle and continued to sing into it for the rest of the song. When the drums kicked in, I started full-on dancing around the bar. The awake regular began to nod his head along as I awoke the sleeping one who began to hit the table in beat. Martin leaned on the bar and watched me. The bar was my stage and I had three people as my audience.

When the song was over I set the ketchup bottle down and went to the bar. Martin had another beer waiting for me.

“I always though you had good pipes, Simon.” He slid the beer to me as some spilled down the side.

“Thanks Martin.” I replied. My head was floating and I knew I needed to get in front of it. “Can I also get some water?”

He pulled out the beverage gun and filled another pint with water and slid it over. I pound the water and then sipped the beer. Martin started to cut limes when he finally spoke.

“So what’s wrong?” He asked, focusing on the limes.

“What makes you think anything is wrong?” I replied, a little drunk, a little defensive.

He chuckled, “Nobody comes in here if they’re happy. I mean look around you.”

He was right. “Oh, well, I was supposed to do something today and now I’m not able to, then we found this place I guess.”

“I’m a bartender, Simon. You can talk if you want or you can make your liver work hard, it’s up to you.”

The hard cuts of the knife echoed in the bar. After cutting three more limes and filling two more glasses of water for me, I finally said, “I read the whole email.”

He stopped cutting and looked up at me. “I’m glad. I meant everything I said.”

“I know it’s weird to say cause it only happened a few years ago, but we were kids and I don’t harbor any ill will.”

“Thanks, Simon. I know that…that means a lot coming from you.”

The rest of the time we sat in silence. I would only get up to use the bathroom, and when I was back at my stool, a new glass of water was there along with a topped off beer I was nursing.

A few other people came in now that it was five thirty. I didn’t feel as drunk anymore and I finally finished the beer. I asked for one more and he obliged, pouring me another glass of water as well.

“So how is Yale?” Martin asked.

“Good. Having fun, making connections. You plan on going to college?”

Martin shrugged his shoulders again. “I don’t know. I had all these goals I wanted to accomplish in high school and I am absolutely no where near where I wanted to be. But like you said, we were kids back then and I think all of the goals I set for myself were just…too high. And you know the saying that if you don’t try you can’t fail? I am the poster child for that. It’s why I’m here.”

In his own weird way, Martin was trying to help me (I think). Even though I was sad that I couldn’t propose to Bram today, I was still going to. I was still in long-term relationship with not only my high school sweetheart, but the love of my life. I was going to college for what I love to do and, because of Bram, we have an immediate plan after graduation to find work for us in New York City. I have friends who love me so much that they do anything for me. And my family is the most supportive, even Nora (especially Nora). He put my problem in perspective and it actually made me feel better. Of all the people in my life who I thought would make me happier, Martin Addison was not on that list.

“I think you should go for it, Martin.” I replied. “Dreams never disappear.”

He smiled and nodded his head. “I appreciate that, Simon. We’ll see.”

It was six-thirty and I just ordered and Uber to Creekwood. I tried to pay for the beers.

“No way,” he said as he pushed my cash away, “If you’re ever in town and you come here, you drink for free.”

I smiled and nod my head. I extended my hand and Martin grasped it and we shook.

“Take care of yourself, Martin.”

“You too, Simon.”

I got a notification that the car is outside and I hopped in. Once we started towards the school, I texted Leah.

_On my way, be there in about ten_

.  
..  
…  
_Good, we’re basically done. Meet me at the main entrance it’s unlocked._

It’s the first time I’ve been back to Creekwood since my high school graduation. The Uber pulled away and I looked at the old building though college eyes.

All the memories floated in and out of my mind of my days here, but the ones that get trapped are the memories of Bram. I still haven’t looked at his text because then it will make it real that he wasn’t here, that he’s in Baltimore. I locked my phone and walked into the school.

High school students are back in class and there are various clubs and after school activities going on in various rooms. Only half the lights are on in the school to save electricity, so some hallways look dark and some have only a few lights on here and there. Leah waited in the hallway next to the principal’s office on a bench when she noticed me. She stood and we walked towards each other until we hugged.

“Simon.” She squeezed and patted my back.

“Leah.” I replied. She told me she needed to finish up her meeting with the reunion committee so we started walking towards them.

“How are you?”

“Good. You’ll never guess who works as a bartender now.” She looks at me with anticipation. “Martin Addison.”

“Really? I heard he never left Shady C.”

“Yeah. But it’s weird…he actually helped me feel better.”

“Has hell frozen over?” Leah said as she laughed.

“I know, right? But no, he helped give me some perspective on the situation.”

“Well that’s great, so how are you feeling then?”

“Good, honestly. It felt like a punch in the stomach, but I know Bram and I know me and I know we’ll make this work. This just gives me more time to work on a new proposal. It will be easier this time because I already have his parent’s approval and the ring, so maybe I can come up with a better, grander proposal idea.”

“Wow, Si, you’re all grown up.” We’re walked in the part of the hallway where my old locker was, but it was partially lit and my poor locker sat in the dark.

Everything simultaneously looked the same while still wildly different. Perspective and time gives you a better way to view things. These halls aren’t as intimidating as they used to feel and now it looked like just another building instead of what felt like the most important place to be cool.

Leah’s phone started to vibrate. “Hello?...Yes, I’m coming back, I had to be sure my friend was let in…see you in a sec.” Leah hung up. “Si, I have to finish this meeting, you okay for another five minutes?”

“Yeah,” I replied, looking around in the sparsely lit hallway. “I’ll kill some time. Just text me when you’re done.”

Leah smiled wide. “Okay Si, it shouldn’t be long.” She jogged around the corner and  into a classroom as I heard the door slam.

The hallway was quiet now and the sun set so the few lights that were on in the hallway were beacons. I saw my locker and it reminded me of all the memories we had around it: me, Leah, Nick, Abby, Bram, and even Garrett. I even remembered when Blue slipped the bag with the Elliott Smith shirt around my locker. It so vividly returned to me, like I can actually see the bag.

Because there was a bag looped through the handle of my old locker.

I walked over slowly and touched it to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating (or too drunk). It moved easily when I nudged it with my finger. Pinned to the outside of the bag was a hand written note on blue-green construction paper in perfect straight print. Light from a nearby fixture gave me enough lingering light to read it. My heart beat so fast I felt it in my neck.

_I’m assuming you understand that I wouldn’t have missed our anniversary for any reason._

I trembled and my hands shook as I unlooped the bag from the locker. Inside is another note, on the same blue-green construction paper in the same handwriting with a postscript.

_P.S. I love the way you smile when we Skype everyday. I love your perpetual dedication to your friends, your family, and to us. I love the way you hold eye contact with me longer than with anyone else. And I will always love your moon-grey eyes. So if you think I’m not going to marry you, Simon, you’re crazy._

I fell to the ground on my knees and tears streamed down my cheeks. I happily wailed and cry-laughed in the abandoned hallway in the dark next to my locker. I never thought I’d cry again in high school, but I guess I was wrong.

I heard footsteps approach behind me and I froze up and stopped crying. Leah probably heard me and wanted to check on me. I wiped my face but didn’t look behind me. I was about to say something when I heard the most beautiful words I’ve ever heard in my life.

“Hey, handsome.”

He only called me handsome when he wanted to ask me for something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <<33


	12. Bram & When He Knew - Summer Before Freshman Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take note of the time of this chapter... :)

This is an incredible feeling. I have graduated high school and I’ve known for three months that I was accepted to the University of Maryland in Baltimore for Journalism and New Media. But most importantly, I have come out to my family, my friends, and, after only wanting him for two years, I have a boyfriend.

Simon Spier, with his messy bedhead, gorgeous eyes, supple lips, and…I’m sorry, I forgot what I was going to say. When I started freshman year and was lying in my bed, thinking about how cute Simon looked in his glasses, I never, ever thought I would eventually call him my boyfriend. I worked through my feelings about my sexuality since I was thirteen and had somewhat of a handle on controlling my impulses and urges. However, as soon as Garrett and I started to become better friends with Nick, we were always around Simon.

Freshman and sophomore year were the most difficult because it wasn’t long before we started having lunch every day. When it comes to boys I am attracted to, I lose all sense of words and forming sentences. Lunch was a form of torture as I had to juggle the urge of staring at Simon the entire time and finding enough time to stare at him without being obvious. It was exhausting and I soon became known as Quiet Bram Greenfeld. I didn’t mind, it gave me an excuse to concentrate on stealing glances at Simon with his beautiful hair and gorgeous eyes and boyish chin.

“Greenfeld, you always get quiet at lunch, what gives?” Garrett asked one day in the shower after practice. Garrett was like a brother and seeing him naked in the shower did nothing for me. That is to be said about all of my teammates. I only had eyes for one boy.

“I don’t know,” I responded. But I obviously did know what was happening. I clammed up around cute boys. A cute boy that I realized I had feelings of attraction towards after a few months of lunches and quiet observation and daydreaming.

“Do you not like Nick’s friends? I think Leah and Spier are pretty cool.” He told me as he turned off the shower.

“No! No, it’s not that at all,” I replied as the water cascaded down my back.

Garrett grabbed his towel and started to dry off. “It has to be one of them. When it’s just you, me, and Nick, you’re the loudest.”

I felt like I could tell Garrett anything, but my sexuality was still something I was trying to figure out, so I  told him I was going through a weird phase.

“Oh my god, Greenfeld,” Garret says as he wrapped the towel around his waist. “Do you like Leah?”

A perfect cover for the time being and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to deflect until I was ready to tell Garrett. Isn’t it strange that it is okay to talk about how much you think the opposite sex is attractive and what you want to do to them, but as soon as it’s the same sex, people start having a problem? I half-smiled while in thought and Garrett must have taken that as a sign that he was right. He laughed, clapped his hands and slapped my butt; it stung.

“Nice Greenfeld!”

“But, listen, you _cannot_ tell anyone. I don’t know how I feel about…her yet, so please keep it between us?”

Garrett tilted his head. “Dude, you know your secret is safe with me. I’d never do you like that.”

So that’s how Garrett knew I had a secret. For the rest of freshman year, he made sure to always help divert attention off of me if Nick or Leah brought up how quiet I was being. Simon never brought it up and it made me like him even more because I felt like he somehow knew not to ask. He would talk about Harry Potter, different musicals he was listening too and wanted to see, and different artists he liked. Unbeknownst to him, I listened to ever word he said.

Freshman year Simon was really into 80’s music because he said he asked his dad about his record collection and they listened to a good amount of his library one Saturday. That’s when I started listening to Queen and Def Leppard from Simon’s recommendations, but I already had been listening to Michael Jackson and Diana Ross. Simon is so cute when he talked about how all of those artists impacted him. When he got excited about something, his lips made micro smiles that I think only I noticed. It was a great to hear him talk about the impact of Bohemian Rhapsody on rock and popular music at the same time of discussing the impact of Diana Ross as a prominent black female artist. He’s so cute when he’s talking about something he’s passionate about, I could listen to him for hours.

Sophomore year rolled around and the feelings didn’t subside like I thought they might, they intensified. I stayed late at practices in the weight room working on the muscle groups that would make me a better player in hopes of a distraction. Leg day was everyday and soon even Garrett started to notice my dedicated weight room schedule.

“Dude, you’re hitting the room every night after practice? Your axes look bomb, but when do you get home?” Garrett asked while he drove us to a party one weekend. He nicknamed my calves axes because of how prominent they started to become.

“About six o’clock.”

“When do you do your home work?”

“After dinner, like everyone else.”

Garrett laughed and punched my shoulder. It would have hurt more but my distraction work out schedule has also strengthened my upper body. “You’re a triple threat, Greenfeld: looks, brains, brawn. Leah won’t know what to do with herself if she saw you shirtless. Or pant-less.”

When he said that, the only person I could think about shirtless and pant-less was Simon. I imagined his pink skin to be lightly tanned, slight definition on his pectoral muscles and abdomen, and a nice arch in his back that curved down to his...uhm. This is something I’ve thought about since freshman year and Garrett never helped me _not_ think about Simon when he discussed my ‘feelings’ for Leah.

“Do you think…she would like my body?” I asked to mask the fact that I don’t care what Leah thought, but if Simon ever saw it on purpose or accident. Not that he was even into men, but just in general because I can’t shake the internal pang of caring about his opinion of me.

“Dude, are you - are you serious? _I’m_ jealous of your body dude, I might start coming to the room with you, get some axes of my own.”

We shut the car door and Garrett orders me to lift my shirt. I nervously complied as the fall air kissed my torso.

“DUDE, FUCK OFF!” Garrett shouted, attracting the attention of some upper class men girls walking into the party. They stopped and observed my body. “You see this fuckin’ ‘V’ cut you have? People drool over that shit.” He air drew a ‘V’ a foot away from my groin. “Ladies, he’s single and look at this body!” The girls walked closer and I dropped my shirt, feeling embarrassed for some reason.

“What’s your name?” The blonde girl with pink lipstick asked.

“Bram,” I responded, adjusting my shirt as Garrett bugged his eyes at the upper class men girls talking to us. He mouthed the girl’s name but I couldn’t understand him. “Yours?”

“So formal,” she responded looking me up and down. “I like that.”

That was very nice and all, but I’m sorry, I don’t like you. Her eyes paused on me as her friend ushered her inside and Garrett had an ‘ah yeah’ expression on his face.

“Dude, that was _Cindy Bietler_.”

I felt like I should know who that was based on the way Garrett phrased it, so I just nodded and said, “Crazy, right?”

“Mad crazy. Dude, you should get with her so you’re ready for Leah.”

I looked around to see if anyone was in earshot and I pulled him to the side on the lawn. “Easy on saying her name.”

“Sorry, sorry. I’ll come up with a code name for her so nothing can accidentally be overheard. Her last name is Burke, how about Buick? Like my car, oh my god it’s perfect.” Garrett was insane, but he’s my best friend. “So you should talk her up and get some action to practice for when you drive the Buick – oh my god I love this.”

I felt my eyebrows furrow and my mind danced about the idea of practicing before I dated someone. I don’t want to embarrass myself if I was with someone, that someone being Simon. When I even thought about being with another guy before Simon, it didn’t feel right. Is…this what love is like? Am I in love with Simon? Is Simon even gay and, on the off chance that he is, would he even be into me? I was absent the rest of the party as I thought about how I could even try to be ready for that part of a relationship when I dated a man.

It was also the first time I told myself I _could_ date a man. It was a surprising relief for me to be able to say that to myself. I think the first person I had to tell I’m gay was myself.

Bram, I’m gay and I have a silent crush on a boy in our grade. The rest of sophomore year was going to be long and stressful and complicated, but it was both a blessing and a curse to have lunch with Simon five days a week.

When junior year came around, I literally couldn’t take hiding so much of myself from the world anymore. But I also wasn’t ready to talk to people about my sexuality so openly. I did the only thing I knew I could to talk without giving away my identity: post anonymously on the internet. It was a way for me to talk about it without talking about it and as it turned out, I wasn’t the only gay boy at Creekwood. Enter Jacques.

Once I started talking to Jacques, I found confidence I never thought I had and decided to finally tell Garrett. We were watching a movie at my house on a lazy Saturday afternoon and Nick had left to spend some time hanging with Simon and Leah because Abby just moved to town and quickly became good friends with Simon (of course she did and I can barely say a few words to him and I’ve known him for two years). We tried to decide what we’d watch next and a perfect opportunity presented itself.

“They have gay and lesbian section on Netflix?” He said as a few movies displayed.

“Yeah, it’s nice to have…” I swallowed and rubbed my palms together. There was a lump in my throat preventing me from speaking further. Garrett stared at me with wide eyes and anticipation, but when I wasn’t finishing my sentence his eyes showed concern. He looked at the screen and then back to me. I shook my head slowly.

“Are you gay, dude?” He asked so bluntly, but in the nicest way.

I didn’t have words and my mouth hung open just a little. I shook my head again, not knowing what to expect.

“Oh so it’s not Leah you are crushing on, it’s Spier!” He said, slapping my knee. I immediately blushed and he laughed even louder. “Dude that is super awesome. My fault for assuming it was Leah. Spier’s a little cutie batootie so I get it. Is it the glasses? Or is it his taste in music? That kid can _talk_ about music.”

It was all of it I wanted to say. I exhaled a sigh of relief. It was that easy and it was a comfortable way to come out to my best friend.

“But dude, I don’t know if Spier is gay, be good for you if he was, though. He has been spending a lot of time with Abby, but ninety-five percent sure they’re just friends.”

I know, and that’s okay because I know someone at school is gay and his pseudonym is Jacques and I’m staring to have some feelings about him.

“Also, don’t worry, I’m not going to blab it to anyone.” Garrett is the best.

The rest of the story you already know and now Simon and I have been together for about a year and a half (turns out he was gay _and_ Jacques). We had the best time together and what we had is turning out to be quite a successful relationship. I always heard stories of heartbreak when it came to dating someone, but Simon and I haven’t had any (knock on wood). It may be because we’re still in our honeymoon phase, but how long is that supposed to last? Ours seem to have plenty of steam left.

Senior year was completely different for me. Simon added me to the morning pool ride to coffee and school and all of us became closer and they realized Quiet Bram Greenfeld wasn’t so quiet (or straight).

It wasn’t a completely smooth ride at school, there were still some jerks who tried to cut Simon and I down, but with the soccer team who had my back, we all would all catch up to them and teach them some respect.

Simon was in another musical, but this time he was the lead! Seems like coming out helped him be a better actor because I started missing him every night when he had rehearsals. I started sneaking out of my house and sneaking into his so I could lay a bunch of kisses on him. I found it was much harder to sneak back into my house after words, especially if I accidentally fell asleep next to Simon in his bed.

Then, before I knew it, we graduated. Most high school friends fall out of contact with one another, but Abby made us all promise to not do that and we (she) planned a bunch of fun activities to do this summer as a group.

So when did I know?

I knew I wanted to marry Simon when we were at one of my summer events. We went to my dad’s cabin on Lake Lanier for a few days at the end of July (he uses it when he fished every other weekend during the summer). We came off the water and Nick, Garrett, Leah, and Abby ran inside to get changed and make lunch. Abby had us on a very strict schedule of fun and ‘memory making opportunities’ and cooking a meal together was one of them. Simon and I were following them until I took his soft hand and stopped him.

“What is it?” He asked, as he pushed his wet, messy hair out of his face. His skin was sun kissed and he wore sunglasses because he started wearing contacts from time to time (Leah wasn’t on board at first, but I liked him either way). I motioned with my head behind me.

“Lay with me for a while?” I asked, hoping he’d say yes.

A cute smile formed on his face and he said, “Absolutely.”

The sun-soaked wood from the dock kept us warm from the breeze above us. Simon laid close to me so his head could roll and be on my shoulder and his one leg was bent up as the other laid out. I kept looking at his toes and smiling; somehow even his toes are cute. His phone played Simony songs on the speaker at a low volume so we could enjoy the sounds of the lake and some Elliott Smith.

“I wish we could do this forever.” Simon said, the words whispered out of his soft lips. He rolled his head to my shoulder and when he touched me I shivered a good shiver. I rolled my head down to kiss his forehead and he pressed his head into my shoulder. “But I guess we have to go be adults in the fall.”

“If you say so,” I replied. He tilted his head up and looked at me. I cannot help but kiss him. Simon returned the favor and he parted my lips so our tongues touched. This went on for a few moments until Simon pulled away dreamily, and then starts laughing. “What’s so funny?” I asked though a smile.

“Check out your swimsuit,” He advised. I looked down and it appeared blood rushed to an appendage of mine and there is currently in a tent-like state in my swimsuit.

“That is all your fault, Si,” I told him as I flipped it up into my waistband. “You know I can’t help myself around you.”

He laughed, “Then it’s only fair because you do that to me too!” Simon took my hand and intertwined our fingers and laid on my chest, his wet hair cool against my skin. Water splashed against the wooden dock as a bird called somewhere in the distance. I watched his chest move slowly up and down as he breathed calmly as I rubbed his arm.

Goosebumps raised across his skin and cannot help but bite my lip when I looked at his precious frame. The sun beat down against our skin and we were both lost in the connection with each other. My eyes were closed but I could feel Simon look at me once again and I pursed my lips into a kiss. A few seconds later, I felt Simon’s lips on mine and electricity ran through my body.

That’s when I knew; a year and half into our relationship on the dock of Dad’s cabin. I knew that I needed Simon around me for the rest of my life because I strive to be a better person around him and I couldn’t see a future for myself without him in it. Literally, I gave myself hundreds of various futures I saw for myself and the first and constant thing in every vision was Simon, right there next to me, pushing hair out of his face. I remembered how I felt when I first saw Simon freshman year and I think that maybe I was in love with him since then.

The next day we woke up and headed back to Shady Creek. Simon, Abby, Nick, and Leah drove together and Garrett and I were in Garrett’s Jeep

“So,” he asked out of the blue. “Have you and Spier talked about college yet?”

That was a sore subject for me. Simon, I know for sure, either hasn’t thought about it because he’s more of an ‘in the moment’ kind of guy or he has thought about it and compartmentalized it until we are forced to deal with it at the end of the summer. Me, on the other hand, have been thinking about it since our senior year started.

“Kind of, only in the positive ways like looking forward to college parties,” I replied as I looked out the window at the Georgia countryside.

“Because you’re trying to avoid it, I understand dude.” Garrett responded. “But ya’ll are going to make it work, you’ll think of something, you always do.”

I smiled and briefly daydremt how Simon’s face would look when I got down on one knee and gave him a ring. It filled me such joy to imagine how much happiness I could bring him. I contemplate telling Garrett what I’m thinking, but it’s so new that I don’t even know any answers basic questions.

Garrett dropped me off and I go right to my room and lay on my bed and to think about this huge step. I knew I wanted to ask him on our anniversary because our anniversaries are extremely special to the both of us. I know that sounds obvious, but for Si and I, it’s a celebration of us as much as it is the road that got us to us. We are each other’s reward for the fear of coming out and the insecurity that usually tags along with it.

The rest of the summer was traditional soon-to-be-college-kids shenanigans and Abby’s strict schedule of group events. I also spent as much time with Simon as I could as well as saw Ruth every few weeks when Dad would visit. It was during one of Dad’s visits that I decided to tell him and Mom that I wanted to marry Simon. One, because I wanted them to be up to date with my life, and two because then I can finally talk to someone about this and get outside ideas.

“Okay, Simon, what did you need to talk to your Mom and I about?” Dad said as he sat on the couch next to Mom. Ruth sat on my lap and it was hard to believe she was already one. She liked being close to me when she visited and I finally took Simon’s word for it when he told me sisters can be a handful.

“Simon and I have been dating for a year and a half and I love him.” I stated. It sounded smoother in my head.

Mom nodded. “That’s good, honey, we both like Simon.”

“I mean, I don’t know about the acting thing,” Dad started, “but yeah, he loves you, you love him, it works.”

Ruth cooed on my lap and I started bouncing her on my leg and she laughed loudly. Mom and Dad smiled because I think they are looking forward to grandchildren, but that is _way_ ahead of the timeline of where we are now. I had prepared and memorized bullet points of a speech to my parents in regards on how I planned on telling them my intentions. Obviously I love my parents, but they have an interesting opinions on how, and if, I should settle down with someone.

“In that vein, what I’m about to say next you cannot interrupt until I say you can talk again, agreed?”

“Agreed,” Dad answered suspiciously.

“Agreed,” Mom replied.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes to take a beat. When I opened them, I had the undivided attention of my parents.

“I want to marry Simon. I’ve been thinking about it over the past two months and I am very positive I want this. We all know that you two met in high school and that you got married and that didn’t work out. I love you both very much and I know that your opinions on marriage come from a place of love because you’re trying to prevent me from getting hurt like both you did. I want to let you know that what Simon and I have is a different love than what you had. It’s something we fought for every day because we were the only two people in both of our lives that understood exactly what the other was going through. It was the first time it didn’t matter if I was gay or black or Jewish or a soccer player; we connected as people. I’m not saying this to belittle your relationship or put mine on a pedestal, I’m saying it because I need you to understand that what we have won’t go the way you think. You two are the best parents I could have asked for and I want you to know that I’m doing this fully knowing the risks. I love him with every fiber of my being and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he is _the_ one. I want to marry him…I want to marry him.”

Ruth cooed again and my mouth was dry. It was difficult to judge their faces and I honestly don’t know how they are going to react.

“Oh, I’m done, you can talk.”

Dad stood up and slowly walked to me. “Stand up.”

I complied and moved Ruth off my lap onto the floor as she pitter-pattered away towards Mom. Dad and I are about the same height, but it didn’t mean the man couldn’t intimidate the crap out of me. He stared deep into my eyes, almost like a challenge to see how serious I was about what I told him. I was never more serious in my life.

He extended his hand and I grasped it as he shook it vigorously.

“Spoken like a true Greenfeld. Abraham, I am proud of the man you have become and if it is because of Simon’s influence or help, then you be sure to marry that boy.”

We stopped shaking and there was a tear in his eye. He opened his arms and we clasped each other on the back as we hugged. Mom stood and walked over.

“Abraham, how long did you work on that speech?”

“They were general bullet points, but I kind of went off script.” I answered honestly, grunting as I’m still in the hug and Dad squeezed harder. He let me go and turned to stand by me as a smile grew on Mom’s face.

“You are the most important person to us and all I wanted was to be sure the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with understood the responsibility. Simon not only understands that, he changed how I looked at my expectations. He loves you and you love him and no matter what your father and I may have said in the past wouldn’t have changed your mind regardless. You get your stubbornness from me.” She laughed as Dad's eyes showed agreement. She hugged me now as Ruth waddled over to hug my leg.

All the Greenfelds are hugging in our house, celebrating a new love. It’s also great because not only are they on board, I could finally talk to them about ideas on proposing. I found myself second guessing and I now needed a voice to weigh in on this other than my own.

“Do you have anything in mind? Or, rather, how many ideas have you already gone over and scrapped?” Mom asked as she and Dad prepared lunch. I had Ruth in a high chair and fed her cut up grapes.

“Too many to tell you, but yes I have a few ideas. For starters, I am definitely going ask him on our anniversary. It may be cliché but I want to be cliché.”

“If it’s cliché it works,” Dad added, sautéing onions, peppers, and strips of steaks. Dad is known for making a mean Philly cheese steak.

“So we have the day at least, just not the year,” Mom clarified.

“Yes, and that’s the second part I have been thinking about. Ideally I want to wait until we’re out of college, but I am also okay with proposing our senior year because then we can graduate and have two big things to celebrate.”

“So you’ll have plenty of time to plan this.” Dad said.

“Oh yeah, and so I’ll be able to go over all the scenarios multiple times. The biggest part that is tripping me up right now is how I want to do it. Simon is the super romantic gesture guy and I think that’s the route I want to go, but I’m not sure I also could just do a nice private proposal. I want to surprise Simon and I don’t think he’d expect a grand gesture proposal from me.”

“I say trust your instincts,” Mom advised. “This is the boy who publicly declared his love for you and told you to meet him on a ferris wheel. He put everything on the line for you and risked further humiliation…thank god you showed up.”

Simon did risk a lot of his heart by doing that because that’s how Simon is: he doesn’t realize how big and meaningful his gestures are and that’s what makes him even more adorable. He just throws himself into scenarios because he doesn’t know any other way and it’s one of the most attractive things about him. He just goes for it.

“Then I need to make the proposal a spectacle…an event.” I ran through some of the ideas in my head and my eyes must have been going everywhere because Ruth pushed on my hand to feed her more grapes. “Oh, sorry,” I told her as I gave her another grape.

“Abraham why don’t you tell us what you’re thinking? We can be insightful and romantic when we want to be,” Dad joked as he moved the ingredients to Mom who was assembling the sandwiches.

“Remember when the Elliott Smith shirt arrived? It was a gift for Simon?” I reminded Mom.

“Oh, yes, when you were ‘Blue,’” Mom said smiling. One night a few months into Simon and I dating, I told Mom most of the story of Blue and Jacques. “And then you acted weird for two weeks and I finally knew why.”

I was nervous Simon saw my number but was so mad at me that he didn’t text or call. I couldn’t blame him for it, but it was still devastating because it was a big step for me to give him my real, identifiable information. He didn’t even wear the Elliott Smith shirt and then I was nervous that he didn’t get the bag at all.

“Yes, I thought I’d try to get him back to Creekwood and have him walk past his old locker and find another bag, but with the notes in it and no shirt so he can’t have an excuse this time and will see both notes.”

“You wanna propose to him in your high school?” Dad said with slight judgment in his voice.

“Just hang on and hear me out.” I explained why the Creekwood would be a perfect place to purpose. This was followed by the most put-together plan I’ve had formulated over the past few months. I didn’t stop talking for a good five minutes, only briefly interrupted when I wasn’t feeding Ruth grapes fast enough. When I finished, Mom and Dad were silent as they sat at the kitchen table, sandwiches ready to eat.

“It’s not perfect, but we’re still so far in the future that I can iron out details later.”

“Abraham,” Mom started, her having watery eyes, “that is all so brilliant. He will love it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Mom answered with a smile.

“I agree with your mom, it’s a good, good plan. But if you’re going to pull this off, this is going to take a lot of coordinating; you’ll have to ensure everyone involved doesn’t accidentally let it slip or he accidentally finds something. Plus what if he tries to propose to you first?” Dad explained.

“Oh…yeah…I didn’t think of that,” I replied. It honestly didn’t cross my mind. I was sure that I would be the one that would propose if we were going to get married, I didn’t take into account that I literally just explained to Mom and Dad what a big romantic gesture person he is. “What if…okay, what if that instead of planning on senior year as a set date, I talk to his parents and if he says anything about marriage or proposal related, they let me know.”

“Double proposal?” Mom asked.

That’s…that’s the best way for us to do this. Then we can both prepare something special and both be able to say ‘he said yes’ and both get rings. “Yeah…that’s how we can do this…together. Just like we’ve done everything else.”

Dad took a bite of his sandwich. “Sounds like you have a plan.

That day could not have gone more perfectly. I have the support of my parents and Simon and I will both get to put our hearts and souls on the line for each other. I wanted to talk to his parents before the year starts, but will have to wait until Thanksgiving or Winter Break because they’re leaving for school next week and were busy prepping to drive him (and a Uhaul) up to Connecticut.

I have never been more excited before in my life. I don’t know when our proposal will happen, but it’s something that keeps my spirits high while we’re not together a lot over the next four years. It is now the week before Simon leaves for college and we found each other In his room. I held him back to give him some kisses and I wanted to test the waters of where he was with us.

“I know we’re only eighteen and this may be…uhm…preemptive of me to say-” I found myself tipping over my words which rarely happens.

“Bram, I don’t have a plan out.” He was so cute when he was flustered. “What, I, um, mean by that is…fudge. How do I say with without sounding nerdy?”

“Sound nerdy.” I whispered against his lips and it sounded like a request, but was more of a beg.

“In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, one of the challenges for the TriWizard Tournament involves a hedge maze where Harry and the other competitors enter.”

I find it him absolutely irresistible when he paused to think of how to phrase his nerdy talk to me. I licked my lips as a smile grew on my face.

“Is that it?” I asked with a mischievous grin.

“No,” He stammered, smiling back. “What I’m trying to say is I’m ready to go into this maze with you, but I have no intention of ever finding my way out.”

I smiled even wider and I knew he could feel my breath on his skin as his pupils dilated.

“You’re a nerd. And I love it. And I love you.” I said kissing Simon between each sentence fragment he made me utter. Good to know he’s willing to get lost in love for me. Sounds like we’re both headed in the same direction.


	13. Hey Handsome, Part I - Winter Break Senior Year

“Hi gorgeous,” I wheezed out between happy, quick breaths. It came from the only voice that could instantly eradicate any negativity.

I was on the floor next to my locker, tears on my face with Bram’s notes in each hand. An overhead work light turned on and the hallway flooded with a spotlight glow. I couldn’t believe he was there and I began to cry happy, hopeful tears. His footsteps echoed in the empty hallway as he came around and I have never been so happy to see his long legs. He knelt down and picked up my head by my chin with his powerful finger.

I saw his strong chin first, followed by his lips that parted slightly, then his eyes. Those eyes. Those big, gorgeous, brown eyes stared into mine. All of the warmth I felt leave me this morning immediately returned as I drank them in. I wasn’t the only one with glassy, watery eyes as Bram stared back at me, his smile resurrecting me from sadness.

I dropped the notes as my hands rushed to his face and I pulled him to my lips. Fireworks in my chest, on my lips, and in my heart simultaneously went off. Bram’s strong arms wrapped around my waist as he guided me close to his body, my sanctuary. Our torsos touched and we were so close it felt we were one. Our lips danced between each other like a synchronized waltz I hoped would never end.

Desire and love pumped through my blood stream and all at once the last few months of confidence rushed back. I moved my kisses to his neck and then realized we weren’t in one of our bedrooms, we were in the hallway of a high school. I pulled away to Bram’s thanks and annoyance as small moan grazed my ear,  savoring his scent and breath upon my face. I opened my eyes and stared at the most handsome man in the world.

“Surprise,” he said, smiling.

"Surprise is right," I replied with tears.

“Oh, you wore the shirt.”

I laughed as I bunched up and felt the fabric. “I had too; I needed to feel close to you.”

Bram’s smile crept way and his glassy eyes produced tears.

“Simon,” he started with a weary voice. “I’ve only lied to you once since we started dating…” He swallowed and looked up at the light and his eyes shimmered. “And even though it was for a happy surprise, it was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Seeing you on your lawn so cold…so alone…I never want to do that to you ever, ever again.”

I smiled, laughed, and nodded my head. Even when he was crying, he was still such a captivating person. Bram wiped a fallen tear and shook his head to fight back more.

“And then when you sent me that poem...that gorgeous…my heart broke. It was the most beautiful gift I have ever received and I felt so overwhelming guilty that I almost drove back to sneak into your room, hold you tight, and kiss you for hours. Simon, I couldn’t breathe after I read it, it meant so much to me and I know you must have worked so hard on it.”

I close-mouth smiled to trap tears from falling. I hated to see Bram beat himself up. I know from a perspective that is not inside Bram and I’s relationship that I should be mad, but he would only do something like this for a good reason.

“Now, I know I’m in no place to ask but…hey, handsome?” Bram pulled out a piece of printer paper and handed it to me. “Can you read it to me?” He asked innocently. “I want to hear the nuances in your voice when you read it.”

I laughed as I took the folded paper from his manly fingers. I exhaled through my nose and shook my head as I dropped it on the ground. Grabbing his hands, I placed them against my heart.

“I don’t need the paper,” I said still crying and smiling. “Blue Oreos – A poem for Abraham Greenfeld.”

Bram’s chin trembled as his warm hands pressed against my chest below my own shaky hands.

“Blue Oreos  
Digitally sent in heart shapes  
Punctuation. Is. Key. To. Identity.”

Bram smiled and laughed as tears fell into his big, beautiful smile.  
  
“Wrapped shirts  
Pinned notes  
Not ready for Spotlight  
But ready to grow  
Steps of a Baby  
Started light, became heavy  
Nothing we couldn’t carry”

I had to stop to catch my breath as my lips trembled.  
  
“Ferris Wheel, Tilt a Whirl  
We realized we weren’t for girls”

We both laughed and Bram looked down at the ground and I squeezed his hands on top of mine. This next line I knew was going to be hard.  
  
“He…” I had to stop and bite my lip and look into Bram’s deep eyes to control my trembling chin. “He saved me”

Bram and I both lost it. He let out a happy cry and crumbled, leaning forward on his arms. I held his hands firmly against my heart as I moved closer to him, staying on my knees.  
  
“Beating hearts  
Touching skin  
Skipping Lunch  
Together again.  
College came, nothing changed  
We got strong  
We got game”

Bram picked himself up from his arms as I kept my hand on his moistened cheek. His eyebrows arched down with happy tears and he tilted his head.  
  
“There may been doubt  
But not by us”  
  
I lost my breath staring into in his face which is an art piece only I understand, music only I hear. I took a beat before I finished to shake away my scratchy throat.  
  
“Because what I want  
Is  
You. Always you. Forever you.  
Us.”

Bram pulled me against his lips, our faces wet and our kisses strong. I removed my glasses and they fell onto Bram's notes on the ground. Our lips caressed one another so sensually and spiritually until I fell into his shoulder into a deep and powerful hug. Our chests touched and I honestly felt we were one, hearts beating against one another, on our knees in the hallway of the place we fell in love.

“That was even more beautiful coming from your lips.” He whispered, regaining his composure.

“I’m glad you liked it, I was nervous. Are you sure it was-”

I couldn’t finish my sentence because his lips were back on mine. It’s an effective way to shut me up and he knew it. We relaxed off of our knees and leaned against my old locker.

“How did you find out I wanted to propose?” I asked, thinking straight for the first time since yesterday.

Bram smiled. “It’s a long story. Are you mad?”

I squinted my eyes and shook my head. “How could I possibly be mad? You're my everything. And this was...”

I wished we could go to my room so I could show him the candles and the collage and the…well the rose petals on the bed would have to be redone. My eyes betrayed my mind as Bram observed me deep in thought. He grabbed my hand and kissed it just like he did in the car earlier this morning. He kissed each individual finger and when he got to my ring finger, I remembered Bram’s ring on my desk.

“What’s on your mind?”

“I want to bring you back to my room for my proposal. The poem wasn’t the only thing I had in store for you.”

A mischievous smile appeared on his face when I mentioned my room. “So, do it.” A smile grew across my face as Bram used his thumb to wipe tears away under my eye. Then he kissed them off on my other cheek. God I wanted to get him back to my room. “But before that happens, we’re not exactly done here.”

He went to stand, but I held him down. “Can I lay on your shoulder, just for a little while longer? I want to make sure this isn’t just some wonderful dream.” Bram slid back down the lockers and landed close to me. His firm shoulder confirmed it was really him as I moved my hand on his chest and moved it down to his abs. I felt his cheek move against my hair and I knew he was smiling. His arm was around my torso and I'm extremely happy no nosy high school student has interrupted us. The cars in the parking lot prove they’re somewhere in the school.

When I’m content and trust this is happening, Bram stood up and offered me his hand like Prince Charming. I felt around for my glasses and put them on as he helped me to my feet. I gathered the notes and placed them in the plastic bag around my wrist. We walked arm in arm down the Creekwood halls, my head on his shoulder.

“I wish we could have done this when we were in high school,” I mentioned. Bram shook his head.

“We _did_ do this in high school,” he chuckled.

“I mean I wish we could have done it _more_ ,” I nuzzled deeper into his shoulder. Our eyes returned to a normal dry, white color and our cheeks were no longer inflamed and red. Seeing these halls put a weird pang in my stomach like I saw an ex and needed to be sure I was better off then they were. With Bram, I’m lucky I’ll never really know how that feels. We turned a corner and Bram stopped outside of a familiar room.

Mr. Wise’s room. And Mr. Wise is at his desk.

“Mr. Wise?” I asked, surprised.

“Mr. Spier, Mr. Greenfeld, welcome back to Creekwood.” He came around his desk and shook our hands. “How’s college treating you?”

“Great, Yale is everything I thought it would be.” I replied.

“Wonderful to hear. And Bram, I heard the good news, very proud of your accomplishments. I knew you’d get into the journalism field, congratulations!”

I turn to Bram. “You actually got the job?”

Bram smiled and nodded. “Yeah. The lie was that I don’t start until next week.”

I opened my arms and hugged Bram. I smelled his laundry detergent and body wash and swooned like I did for the first time junior year. Mr. Wise stepped back to give us a moment and sat at his desk. Of course he got that job because he worked so hard for four years to get where he is. I held back tears because one, I think I’m about out of moisture in my face and two, I don’t feel much like crying in front of Mr. Wise.

“Bram, I’m so proud of you.”

He showcased his big, beautiful smile and covered his eyes with his palm and fingers, but looked through his fingers at me. It’s extremely adorable paired with his smile. “Thanks, Si.” He grabbed my hand and turned his attention back to Mr. Wise. “Thank you again for staying late on such short notice.”

“The pleasure was mine, Mr. Greenfeld. Especially for such a talented former student.”

Bram turned to me and had slight color on his cheeks. “So the reason Mr. Wise is still here is because he reminded me of a poem I wrote junior year and I thought it would be a great place to start because…the poem was about you.”

Mr. Wise picked a piece of paper off of his desk and motioned for us to sit on the infamous couch. My heart beat increased rhythm in my chest. We sat on the couch the day after the ferris wheel and only touched knees. We’ve definitely moved on from such puritanical practices of affection.

“Now, I didn’t know it was about _you_ , but I thought it would be apropos to tonight’s events.”

Events? What the heck does Bram have planned? Mr. Wise gave Bram the sheet of paper marked with a red ‘100%’ along with scribbles of praise that I couldn’t make out. Mr. Wise left his classroom and Bram hid the words from me so I couldn’t read it.

“When you texted me the poem, I thought I had to add one of my own because your poem already blew everything I had planned out of the water, but I wanted to try.”

“B,” I told him as I squeezed his hand. “You’re the professional journalist. I’m just in love.”

“That’s where the best writing comes from. When you’re doing it for someone else.”

Bram stood and walked a few feet in front of me. He is so statuesque and his shirt, I just noticed, was a tighter v-neck showcasing his triangle physique. I bit my lip and my pupils dilated as he looked up through his brow from the paper.

“Ready?”

I nodded. He started to speak, but stopped himself to catch his breath. I shot him a reassured smile and blew him a reassured kiss. It was super effective. Bram began.

“You're the butterfly in my stomach  
My umbrella in the rain  
Snow shoes in the tundra  
You're a drug of the mind  
and I'm helplessly addicted  
Like Medusa, when I see at your face,  
I'm petrified with feelings  
I stand completely still  
trying to comprehend what you do to me  
But all I can be  
is forever a statue to prove your power.  
Your presence is silk to the senses  
Your soul is glistening water to the world  
I see much love radiate from you  
I see a transcendent soul.  
You see your reflection in tears of joy  
streaming down the faces of those who care for you  
they feed the roots of your love leaves  
as a beautiful flower blooms from your heart.”

Bram exhaled and glanced back up at me with an adorable scrunch of his face.

“Sorry I didn’t memorize it,” Bram smiled warmly.

What was he talking about? It was the most beautiful poem ever read in this classroom (including the classics Mr. Wise read). Tears wiggled around my eyes as I tried to access the unemotional side of my brain to formulate a response.

“Bram…I…I didn’t know I meant that _much_ to you before we…” I couldn’t finish my sentence. I always viewed Bram and I’s relationship starting mid-way through junior year. I know he mentioned his feelings he had for me before Blue and Jacques, but I never understood the extent of my affect on him. I thought that Bram was the one who helped me, but now it seems we helped each other.

“Simon…” Bram started, licking his lips and they popped out moist. “You are the only person who has ever been on my mind.” He walked back to me and straddled my lap as his strong legs flanked mine. He kissed me lightly on the temple and I shivered as I squeezed his legs.

“This is the room where I started falling for both Simon and Jacques and I was torn. Then, it seemed too good to be true when Jacques  turned out to be you. You’ve been my only constant for the last eight years, Si.”

The couch never felt more comfortable and Bram leaned down into my lips with ease and warmth as our breaths raised goose bumps across my skin. He laid his hand upon my face and heat overcame my body. His lips were plump and tender and we fell on the couch into floating nothingness where I felt warm and safe and full of life and love. Bram moved his head back slowly, easing me out of the bliss of kissing him.

“I consider this room a part of our first date, which is why I wanted to bring you here.”

I smiled so wide because everyone I told about the proposal said not to come here, but they just didn’t understand us. He laid one more kiss on me.

"You can't tell me our game of knee bumping wasn't our eleventh grade version of first base."

We both laughed and I moved my knees to bump against his legs.

“Come on, there’s more.”

Bram guided me out of Mr. Wise’s room. He went to talk to Mr. Wise and he nodded excitedly and walked the opposite way of his room.

“He’s free to leave now, huh?” I said jokingly.

Bram smiled and we grasped hands as he lead us through the halls. On our way we, passed Bram’s locker.

“You know sophomore year, I tried to move my locker closer to yours so we’d have an excuse to talk more.” Oh my god, he’s so cute. “But they said no because it was alphabetical so it was no dice.”

I grinned as Bram and I made our way into the library. Like the hallways, it was sparsely lit and felt haunted as we passed rows of books. We walked towards the center of the library where the computers lived and their screen savers flashed the Creekwood mascot. He brought me to a clump of computers and sat me at the now infamous place where Martin screenshot the emails.

“This is where Martin made the decision to blackmail you over your sexuality and almost ruined your friendships and relationship with a boy named Blue. But because of your passion, desire, and fire to fight for Blue and your friends despite the odds, you overcame a seemingly impossible battle. You fought for my heart and won. You won so hard. It turned me from being afraid of being myself into afraid of losing you.”

Tears fell on both of our faces as I silently listened. My brain was on autopilot as my heart and soul were under the spell Bram Greenfeld cast.

Bram touched the back of his neck and explained, “This is where Martin was supposed to be, but he never returned my calls.”

I laughed. “You are so freakin’ cute, Bram.”

“I wanted you two bury the hatchet,” Bram reasoned. “Martin is…Martin, but I think he was just acting childish.”

“Funny story,” I said. I explained that he was the bartender at the place Nick, Abby, and I went to be adult about my problem. “And before I left, we shook hands and now it’s water under the bridge.”

My boyfriend is so adorable when he smiled. “Looks like you can read my mind.”

“I’ve moved in and I have no intention of moving out.” I replied, laying a kiss on him.

Bram tilted his head for me to follow. We made our way to an exterior door and went outside. Luckily I had my coat on and I zipped it up. There was a coat near the door and Bram put his on and walked out behind me. He thought of everything when it came to things he’s passionate about.

The snow crunched below our feet as I looked in the parking lot. I noticed a car that looked a lot like mine with the lights on…because it was my car. I turned to Bram who shot his eyebrows up and walked closer. The lights were dimmed and I could see someone in the passenger seat.

Abby.

I covered my mouth and even more tears fall as I saw Abby smiling wide. Bram passed me as I was frozen in place and opened the driver side door. I finally moved and I sat in my car next to Abby who immediately grabbed my hand, smiling like a lunatic. The back door opened and Bram sat in the center seat as I noticed Abby crying as well.

“In this car is where you came out to the first person in your life that wasn’t Blue. That person was Abby and she made you realize it wasn’t the enormous deal we made it out to be. You credited this step to me because I came out to Mom the same night. It’s the first time you acted on courage and I was a rough road, but we got through it.”

Abby mouthed ‘I love you guys’ as she grabbed Bram’s hand too. It seemed Abby was suppose to say something, but was choked up. I knew the feeling. She waved us out and we got out of the car and now noticed something I couldn’t before because I was staring at Abby.

Bram’s Honda Civic was parked right next to mine as he opened the passenger side door as I stepped inside. It still smelled like Bram and even just his scent made me tear up. He fell into this seat and grabbed my hand. His car wasn’t running and it was a colder, giving him an excuse to bring my hand to his mouth and breathe hot air onto my fingers.

“In this car is where we first kissed as a couple, something you had waited to do for about five months.” He breathed on my hand again but added a kiss with it. “I wanted to kiss you for three years. And when it happened, my heart skipped a beat. I couldn’t believe I finally was able to do that and it was unbelievably worth the wait. You, Simon Spier, were worth the wait.”

He moved my hand away from his mouth and with his other, pulled my chin towards him and kissed me. Electric Feel. I finally understood the MGMT song as his energy pulsated through my veins. Bram released my hand, picked up his iPod, and played ‘Try A Little Tenderness.’

“You picked this song when I gave you free range of my music…you picked one of my songs. Simon Spier, music aficionado, picked one of my songs. And it never sounded the same since.”

I wanted to tell him I just danced around a bar to this exact song, but I couldn’t talk or I’d continue to cry. He smiled a Bram-smile, bit his lip, and nodded is head.

“Follow me.”

We stepped out and I immediately returned to his arm, but this time I took his and he leaned his head on my shoulder. It was easier for him being taller than I was and nice to feel my boyfriend lean on me.

Bram walked us through the patio and we entered the school into the lunch room. It smelled like chicken patties and feet, but I didn’t care. The smell reminded me of all the moments I took for granted when I caught Bram staring at me and all I did was politely smile as he’d blush and look away. If I could change anything about our past, the first time I would have caught him, I would have crawled over the table and kissed him. We stopped next to one of the rows of tables and Bram pointed at the lunch table all of us used to sit at. Mrs. Albright was sitting there.

“Oh my god, Mrs. Albright! What are you doing here?” I wanted to say, but all I could muster was a few airy breaths. She saw my reaction and smiled.

“I’m here on behalf of Bram’s wishes, Simon.” She looked at Bram over my shoulder and I followed her glance as well.

“That’s where I first fell in love you, Simon. You had wild hair, cute glasses, and your eyes…I would lose myself in and when you would stare slightly longer at people, I would be nervous that you caught me looking at you. Only you wouldn’t make it a big deal, you’d just smile at me until I couldn’t take your cuteness and had to look away.”

Mrs. Albright couldn’t stop smiling and even her happiness warmed me.

“Mrs. Albright acted when those assholes made fun of you and Ethan. She swooped in to do what I couldn’t. This moment changed me and motivated me. You showed me that we can survive as long as people like Mrs. Albright are around.” Bram walked next to me and took my hand, watery eyed. “I wish I could have been as brave as you in that moment Simon, I regret it everyday not being there for you. I just wasn’t ready yet, but you got me there.”

Bram took my other hand and, with it, my attention. I heard a door quietly shut as I felt Bram and I were alone in the lunchroom after Mrs. Albright's exit. The light from the parking lot shined in from the large windows and speckled the room with dull light. I moved myself against his chest and we slowly danced together off the music in our heads, the music we created for one another. While we slowly turned with my hands around Bram’s waist and his around my back, he whispered in my ear.

“I had to read Plato’s Symposium freshman year of college. In it, he wrote that ancient Greeks believed humans used to be beings with four arms, four legs, and two faces. And because Zeus feared their power, he split them in two, condemning them to search for the their other half.” Bram stopped dancing and leaned back so he could take me in. I could see my reflection in his large pupils in his beautiful coffee eyes. “…I found you.”

Bram smiled widely and I couldn’t help another tear drop down my face as I kissed him deeply. He reciprocated and pulled me back to him as we stood in the lunchroom of Creekwood. I didn’t want any of this to end, I wanted to perpetually live in these memories of us, of what shaped us and what made us who we are today. He presented me with the past and now I’m starting to get addicted. I buried my head back into his shoulder and his words poured out of his mouth like honey.

“Only one more stop. Are you ready?”

I shook my head aggressively and wiped some tears away. He stopped me and proceeded to kiss the tears off my face again, his warm lips and breath making me float. Bram gently guided me out of the lunch room and we’re back in the hallway. All the lights are out in this one, luckily the large windows continued and the yellow lights from the parking lot dimly lit and reflected off the lockers. We weren’t talking as I felt Bram was finally feeling nervous and I was still unable to speak because of everything he’s done tonight.

After a few turns, we reached the doors to the gym. Bram was inches from opening the door before he stopped and turned back to me, a rascally grin on his face.

“This is your last chance to leave, Simon. Because once you come in here, I’m going to hug you, I’m going to kiss you, and I’ll never be able to let you go.”

My lips trembled into a smile and I finally spoke the first words since the library.

“Looks like you’re stuck with me, B.”

He smiled and laid a passionate kiss on me. Bram placed his hand and on the door and waited for me to do the same. Both of us became temporarily lost in each other’s eyes. We saw our future, our past, and desire burned for the present. He nodded and I returned it as we pressed down on the bar and walked inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bram's last line of dialogue was inspired from an episode of "The Simpsons."


	14. Hey Handsome, Part II

My hand hadn’t left my mouth since we entered the gym.

Actually, it didn’t look like a gym right now. The basketball hoops were raised into the ceiling and there were black rubber pads across the floor to hide parts of the court. Ten-foot tall Navy blue curtains covered the perimeter and white lights stringed at the top that draped every two or three feet. The lights above were off and the only source of lighting our way were white and black candles. Bram found Oreo inspired candles.

They were far enough apart for us to walk between side by side and they illuminated a pathway every three or four feet. It lead us down a path of light to center circle of the basketball court. A singular floor lamp illuminated a table with two items that I couldn’t quite make out though the blurriness of tears in my eyes. I’m awestruck and captivated by the lengths Bram went through for me. Cute Bram Greenfeld really loves me.

Bram grabbed my hand and lead me slowly down the path of candles and parted curtains drop behind us. I looked back to see Alice and Nora on each side of the doors, red eyed and smiling so big (even Nora!). I laughed as tears fell and looked back at Bram who held me in his glance. I wanted to lie on his lips.

The lights began to twinkle and the subtle light change made it look like twinkling stars. There were parts of the gym blocked off by more curtains and I would have been interested in what was behind them if Bram wasn’t by my side. I expected the gym to smell like that day's concoction of teen sweat and hormones, but when I inhaled, I smelled the sweet scent of chocolate and cream. We arrived at center court.

The small table held two ring boxes both wrapped in red bows, just like the one I had on my desk.

“Here we are,” Bram said. “Your Dad took care of both of our rings. I haven’t even seen them yet.”

“He didn’t show me the box until yesterday, but I never took off the bow to look at it.”

We gazed at each other and I was lost in the maze of his eyes. I hoped I had the same effect on him as he did on me, it would only be fair. It was happening, and we were going to do it together. How many couples can say they proposed together? It felt so right.

Below the boxes laid sticky notes in ornate calligraphy; One read ‘Abraham’ and the other ‘Simon.’ I grabbed the ring box with my name and Bram did the same. My hands trembeled and I wanted to hide that fact. I didn’t want Bram to think I was nervous because I wasn’t. The trembling was from being so emotionally full my body and brain didn’t know how to react. I tried to distract myself and looked to Nora and Alice, but they moved to the center of the curtains on the blocked-off side of the gym.

“What are you two up to?” I asked. Out of my peripheral I saw Bram nod his head at my sisters.

Excitedly, they pulled open the curtains and behind them were…people. Lots of people; Mom, Dad, Elijah, and Tracy stood in front. Next to them were Leah, Nick, Abby, Garrett, and Ian. On the other side of the parents stood Bram’s Nick and Bram’s college friends that I have gotten to know so well since freshman year. I lost sight of the other people behind them but I could vaguely see people I recognized from high school and college as well as Mr. Wise, Mrs. Albright, and even Mr. Worth came. And I started to tear up when I saw he wore his rainbow flag pin on his lapel.

Everyone looked at us with humongous smiles and I’ve never felt so much love directed at me before. I felt Bram’s hand on my shoulder which made me turn back to his smile.

“I can’t take it anymore.” Bram unwrapped the bow. “I can’t stand not being engaged to you.”

Bram got down on his knee. I lost my breath as I looked down and rested into the pool of his eyes.

“Simon Spier…four years ago we unofficially met over a mutual secret, one that we’d felt for such a long time. We were each other’s oasis in a sea of doubt and uncertainty. Then you went and made me fall in love with you so quickly, but I will admit that I was scared. Scared you wouldn’t like me, scared you didn’t feel the same way, scared I’d come out and be alone, just like I felt before. But you burst through my walls and picked me up with you and brought us all the way here tonight. I wanted to try to match your bravery and declaration of love like you did at the ferris wheel.”

Bram wiped his eyes and his voice got lower because he was fully crying. I smiled at him.

“Simon, you’re the reason for my life and the motivation to be the best person and boyfriend and fiancé and, soon, husband. You make me speak in run-on sentences.”

I laughed as did some people watching. Bram bit his lip and continued.

“You deserve the world and I want to be the person that gives it to you. It is the only way I know how to repay the way you have made me feel ever since I saw your face freshman year. I love you from the bottom of my heart and here’s nothing I want more than to be your husband.”

Tears returned and I heard Mom cry next to Dad and even Nora held Alice’s hand as Alice blinked out tears. I could see a few lights from phones as people recorded. It was like we were on the ferris wheel again but this time I wasn’t sitting alone for the first fifteen trips, Bram was by my side, on his knee. It was no longer me, but we.

I bent down on one knee to join him and Bram fought back tears, squeezing his beautiful eyes shut (but not doing a good job and when he got going, it made me worse). I pulled the bow end and it unravled, falling delicately to the ground. Bram’s ring box is in his one hand so I grabbed the other with my free hand.

“Abraham,” I started. Bram loved when I called him by his full name. “You were the person I never knew I needed in my life, and now that you’re here, I don’t really remember how I got by every day without you. Your presence is a symphony to all of my senses and you helped me through the most weird, awkward, and difficult time of my life because you couldn’t help but be a beacon of love and hope. Your presence gives me courage to be a stronger me with just a glance. You understand me in a way no one else does...and a part of me, deep down, thought no one ever _could_.”

I shut my eyes because if I looked at Bram much longer I would lose it. I breathed as Bram squeezed my hand. I opened my eyes.

“You showed me I was wrong, you shaped my life for the better. Your love and spirit is infectious and you made me feel worthy of love not just from anyone, but from another man. And there is nothing I want more in this life than to be _your_ husband. If you’ll have me.”

We both looked at each other like no one else was there. Bram was good at bringing me to a world where everything else was shut out and only we existed. It felt like an invisible hug dipped in warm honey and constant, light, floating love. His eyes motioned to the ring box.

“Together?” He asked.

“Together.”

3\. I noticed Dad bite his nails in anticipation.

2\. Mom held her phone as steadily as her shaky arms allowed her to.

1.

The felt box open. I didn’t even look at the ring yet, but Bram’s face as he saw the ring because I wanted to memorize his reaction. His eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. I finally looked at the ring and my expression did the same thing.

There were matching gold rings, engraved with lines cutting cross the outside and ending randomly into small circles. It looked like a circuit board and in three of the small holes laid three small diamonds. Bram and I simultaneously smiled, looked at each other, and then at Dad. It was nice to see that I wasn’t the only once surprised by this tonight. My attention went to Bram first and I saw his profile with his perfect nose, supple lips, and strong chin. He turned back to me and I received the full Bram effect when both his eyes hit mine. I’m filled with warmth and the words are summoned out of me by his love.

“Abraham Louis Greenfeld, will you marry me?”

Bram gave me his classic smile and shook his head. “Yeah.”

I laughed out a cry and took the ring out of the box to slip it onto his trembling finger. It was a perfect fit and the color looked so great against his skin. I didn’t want to let go of his hand until Bram spoke.

“My turn,” Bram said. It drew my attention from his hand to his beautiful face.

“Simon Jacob Spier, will you do me the honor of marrying me?”

The added formality made me blubber and cry. I shook my head quickly. “Absolutely.”

The crowd of people erupted in cheers and applause, just like the night on the ferris wheel.  He slipped the ring on my finger and it also fit perfectly. Bram and I couldn’t resist the urge and finally were able to kiss for the first time as fiancés.

It felt richer, more vibrant, and passionate with the rings. Even with all these people around, his kiss brought us back to the happy void of love I felt earlier. Bram’s hands were on my jaw line and I felt the cool metal of his ring against my cheek. I loved feeling that. He moved it up into my hair which he knew I loved when his powerful fingers caressed through my hair to the back of my head.

Fiancé. Bram is my fiancé. I am Bram’s fiancé. I’m going to love saying that until I can tell people he is my husband.

I felt a little out of body in that moment because as much effort as I put into doing this, as much as Bram must have put into this, it was over. Smiling faces surrounded us as we finally stood up and our parents, Nora, and Alice came into the center first and we all hugged and kissed cheeks as the crowd started to surround us, eager to speak to the newly…not newlyweds. Newlyfiancéd? If that’s not a word, I’m making it one. Bram’s proposal is worthy of creating a new word for the English language. I’ll submit it to Webster’s tomorrow.

Our rings grabbed light easily from the singular lamp as someone kicked on the gym lights. A hum murmured above as the large lights warmed and rained  dim light around us. Mom kissed Bram and me as Elijah, for the first time ever, gave me a hug and I honestly didn’t know what to do with my hands. It caused me to freeze up much to Bram’s amusement.

“You can reciprocate, son. You can’t tell me you haven’t hugged before I’ve seen you and Abraham hug thousands of times.”

Son. I’m officially 'son' to Elijah. Alice and Mom came over and grabbed my hand so they could inspect the ring closer. Seemed Dad kept the rings pretty close to the chest.

“Wow, Dad,” she began, “these turned out phenomenal. How did you engrave them so well?”

I held my breath and turned towards an uncharacteristically timid version of him, hanging behind Mom.

“Dad?” I started, looking at the ring on my left hand and back to him. “Did you _make_ these?”

Bram’s mouth opened as Tracy and Elijah took Bram’s hand to inspect his ring with a closer eye. Dad nervous laughed. He never nervous laughed.

“So the reason I asked for your computers,” Dad started, hand on the back of his neck, looking down at the ground to avoid eye contact while he spoke. “I stripped the gold from the circuit boards of your old computer and Bram’s old computer…the ones you used when you first started talking to one another.”

Tears swelled in my eyes and I grabbed Bram’s hand. Dad looked up at us, but only for a split second before he had to look at the blue curtains surrounding us. Most of the crowd had grown silent, wanting t hear to the story of our rings.

“It wasn’t quite enough for two full rings…so I spoke to your mother and she, let me emphasize it was _her_ decision…we melted the engagement ring I gave to her so we could make two for you both.”

Air was sucked out of the room. I swallowed hard as tears welled.

“It’s only fourteen karat gold because I wanted to be sure the engravings lasted. I made it a circuit board so you two would never forget where your relationship began. The diamonds were for, well, ya know, ‘cause they’re engagement rings.” Dad looked up and now all the Spier’s were teary eyed. “One for Simon, one for Bram, and one for your online persona so that no matter how far apart you are…you…you are never apart when you look at that ring.”

The gym was so quiet as sniffs could be heard from around the room. Mom and Tracy were wrecks as Elijah tried to keep it together. I shook my head at Dad as a tear fell down my cheek and the length of my jaw.

“Dad...it’s the most perfect thing…thank you so much.” I barely got out.

I walked over to Dad and wrapped him in a Ian-like bear hug. Dad eased one arm around my back as his other hand grasped the back of my head. I heard him breath through his cry as he laid a kiss in my hair. I backed away and Mom actually stopped recording because she was crying so much. Nora rolled her eyes as a tear fell. Bram came from behind me and hugged Dad too. That made well up again and I had to turn to Mom to try to control my own tears. The woman who sacrificed her own ring for Bram and I.

“And Mom? You gave up your engagement ring?”

Mom smiled her closed-mouth Mom smile and happy crying eyes.

“Of course, honey. I have the wedding band now, that’s what counts.” Mom replied in a groggy voice.  Bram came over and kissed Mom on the cheek which made he cry more as she embraced him strongly. Dad had to walk away to regroup as Nora followed him out into the hallway.

I stared at my ring, knowing how the material around my ring finger was the reason I was able to speak to Bram when he was Blue. Forever knowing our first meeting will always close to me. And I had Dad to thank for that. I walked to Mom who (finally) released Bram from her hug, his shoulder damp from happy tears.

“Mom, Bram, I want to use these as our wedding rings too. I never want to take them off.”

Mom covered her mouth with her hands and Bram smiled and moved some of my hair out of my face. “I was thinking the same thing.” Suddenly, Mom pulled both Bram and I in to her chest with a strong hug only Mom-arms could attain.

“Can we steal him for a little bit?” Abby spoke for Nick, Alice, Ian, Garrett, Bram’s Nick, and his college friends (Rhodes & Banger. And, yes, Banger is a nickname). Mom, after some careful negotiation with Abby, freed Bram and me from her hug.  Bram and I squeezed hands before he split to his college buds and I hung with the old gang plus Ian minus Leah.

“Dude!” Ian yelled and picked me up in a hug and twirled me around. “CONGRATULATIONS!”

“Ian, I thought you had to go back?” I asked, still in the air.

“Awwww,” he said, squeezing harder. “You think I was going to miss this after Bram told me his plan? Your face was sooooooooo worth it!”

Bram’s plan, his glorious, wonderful proposal plan. I wonder how many years he planned this? While in thought, Abby and Nick decided it was the time to simultaneously hug me and lay kisses on my cheek (Abby did at least).

“Oh my god, Si, you have NO idea how hard it’s been to keep all of this from you. There were so many almost incidences…I’m just so happy for you and Bram!” She said right into my ear. “Let me inspect this ring up close.”

While she does this, I turned to Nick who smiled a big goofy grin. “So you took me to that bar on purpose to meet Martin, huh?” I asked.

Nick shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He winked at me and I shook my hand loose form Abby’s death grip to hug Nick.

The next half hour was full of family and friends from my side and Bram’s side. I was introduced to cousins, aunts, uncles and even grandparents that night. I also introduced Bram to my Dad’s Dad who is even more Dad than Dad is and Grandma who, somehow, is more energetic than Dad. Needless to say, everyone loved Bram and I’m fairly certain everyone on Bram’s side of the family loved me.

While I was talking to Rhodes and Banger where we relived some of Bram’s hilarious college stories, someone tapped me on the shoulder.

“Principal Worth,” I said. “I’m so...thank you so much for being a part of this. It actually means a lot to me that you’re here.”

“Of course, I’m happy Bram let me be a part of this. Who do you think helped make sure no current students interrupted your journey down memory lane?”

“Bram got to you too?” I said shocked. “Damn…he is good.”

“That he is,” Principal Worth replied. “Simon, I just wanted to say that I’m extremely happy for you and Abraham and that your high school experience wasn’t tainted by your…uhm…”

“Yes, it wasn’t, thank you. Actually, Mr. Worth, seeing your pride pin helped more than you think during all of that. I don’t think I ever thanked you.”

“You’re welcome, Simon.” He extended his hand and I shook it proudly, which is never something I thought I’d do. “Oh, I think you’re going to want to turn around and see this,” he pointed over my shoulder.

Another previously curtained off section of the gym was removed and its place was a small stage.

On that stage was Bram on the microphone and behind him, the line up from Emoji, Nora on her guitar and Leah sitting behind a drum set. Everyone quieted down as Bram commanded their attention.

“Simon, I have just one more surprise for you tonight.” He purred into the microphone. “Not many of you may know Simon and I’s song, but it’s the first song he ever recommended to me. Despite the fact that it is pretty sad, it is always makes me think of him. And as a final surprise, please enjoy it.”

My heart dropped.

Leah hit the snare in three quarter time for four measures before Anna entered with the rhythm guitar and her bass waited close by, soon followed by Nora with the lead guitar melody. Morgan supplemented it on the keyboards and they played so well. Anna picked up her bass as Nora took over the rest of the guitar for the song. And Bram started to sing.

“First the mic, then a half cigarette  
singing 'Cathy's Clown'  
That's the man that she's married to now  
That's the girl that he takes around town”

Bram’s voice was so amazing. I’ve only ever heard him sing in the shower and now he’s singing in front of human people my favorite Elliot Smith song. I can’t help but melt and swoon and yearn for him. Cheers erupted from all of us in the crowd as I mouthed the words along with him, Bram staring at me the during the chorus.  
  
“I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow  
Now she's done and they're calling someone  
Such a familiar name  
I'm so glad that my memory's remote  
'Cos I'm doing just fine hour to hour, note to note”

Bram winked at me after he sung the line and it sounded so flawless and I almost want them to record their version in a studio so I can keep this forever. Nora stared at Bram with a big smile as Anna and Leah kept the beat. I was not in control of the tears rolling down my face or the elevated heart beat brought on by hearing my fiancé sing our song.  
  
“Tell mister man with impossible plans to just leave me alone  
In the place where I make no mistakes  
In the place where I have what it takes  
I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow  
I’m never gonna know you now, but I’m gonna love you anyhow  
I’m never gonna know you now, but I’m gonna love you anyhow”

They finished and I am flabbergasted and speechless. Everyone clapped and hollered around me as Ian came to my side and threw his arm around my shoulder.

“Dude, Bram’s got a great voice and now you’re going to be able to hit that for the rest of your life.”

Ian’s terrible raunchy humor could not have come at a better time after a long day of an emotional roller coaster. Bram jumped off the stage and came over to lay a kiss on me. Close behind was Nora and Leah. Nora hugged me hard and I squeezed her back.

“Thank you so much for that, Nora. You did Elliott proud.”

“You’re welcome,” she replied with a smile. There was evidence that Nora cried but I love her too much to bring that up. Leah stared at me, biting her lip. I laughed.

“Is there even a five year reunion?” I asked her.

“Yeah, tonight. This was my reunion committee.” She hugged the girls in the band. “Emoji’s original line up back in action!”

After talking and catching up with high school acquaintances and hearing even more stories from Rhodes that caused Bram to try to shut him up, Bram and I retreated behind one of the curtains. Emoji sang covers and originals, but right now Heart’s ‘Alone’ belted from Taylor’s mouth as the crowd rocked out. I grabbed Bram by the shirt and kissed him long and kissed him hard. He grabbed a tuff of my hair and my stomach burned out of happiness and urge.

“Bram…I…don’t know what to say. I don’t what I can do to repay you. This has been the most spectacular evening of my life.”

He kissed me softly and lightly.

“It will only be topped by when we are officially married. I have a feeling that the fiancé thing will get old and that I’ll be eager to call you my husband in about three days.”

“Please let me help plan the wedding, I want to know exactly what your mind is thinking when it all happens.” I stared at Bram whose eyes move around quickly. I smiled and squint my eyes at him. “You already have a date picked out, don’t you?”

He smiled wide and nodded his head quickly. “I was thinking a year from today. Well, at least the closest weekend to our anniversary. Is that too soon?”

I laid more kisses on him.

“Nothing could sound more perfect.” I kissed him and a smile grew on my face which made one grow on his. “You already know January twenty-fifth of next year is a weekend, don’t you?”

“It’s a Friday actually, but we could push it to the weekend.” He smiled like a loon. I kissed his big smile.

“So a winter wedding,” I said. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you warm.”

“Good, cause I want to have an outdoor wedding.” Bram replied.

“Seriously?” I asked, but quickly find he is joking and he kissed me. It started off innocent until I kissed back and our lips parted and it became more serious, more sensual and I pulled Bram against the wall with me.

“I love you so much, you know that right?” I asked. Bram smiled and kissed my neck which made me emit a pleasure moan.

“How about you and I get out of here? See what you had prepared for your proposal in your room?” he asked with the familiar mischievous grin.

“What about our parents?” I questioned, not meaning to kill the mood.

“Oh, don’t worry, I have Alice, Nora, and Leah on distraction duty. We will have at least the three hours alone.”

Bram pulled out my old car keys from his pocket. I took them and smiled as I looked at an exit. I grabbed his hand and stopped right before pushing the door open.

“What is it?” Bram asked sensually. I felt he also had some pent-up love he wanted to express.

“Tonight was amazing and once we leave, it’s over. I just want to linger in this feeling for a little while longer.”

Bram kissed me as his hand moved down my back and grabbed my butt as he pulled me into him.

“Tonight,” he breathed into my ear, “isn’t over.”


	15. Hey Handsome, Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Explicit Chapter

_8:14 PM_

Bram stared intently ahead as I drove us out of the Creekwood parking lot. He only became this quiet when he wanted something and was eager to have it. My parent’s house was not that far from the school, but the few minutes felt like hours. Patience was a virtue and Bram was an advocate for it…unless it came to me. His fingers rubbed against his palms in anticipation as I drove us as quickly as possible to my house. I could see his mind work as he licked his lips and rolled his head against the headrest, eager to get me alone in a room with a bed.

Not going to lie, it was arousing seeing him fidget when I knew he was hungry for me. It made me feel good to know the sexiest man in America craved my skin and lips and dick and I could almost feel his hands on my body as his eyes shifted attention to me. There was an animalistic energy that seeped from Bram’s pores that he was trying to fight but was quickly losing control over.

His lips found my neck as my eyes briefly rolled to the back of my head and I gripped the wheel. The moist, supple lips continued to kiss parts of my neck as Bram pulled at my sleeve until my clavicle was exposed and he applied a well-placed kiss against the point of my body that made me shake. I looked at him and he knew the effect it had on me as he adjusted his crotch because Bram got excited from getting me excited.

When we arrived at the house, I didn’t pull into the driveway. I threw the car into park and I finally had a moment to focus my energy off of the road and onto my fiancé. I reclined my seat backwards and Bram fell into my lap. My shirt lifted a little to reveal a sliver of skin below my belly button and Bram took the opportunity to kiss the revealed portion and it sent warm electricity through my leg and to my hardening dick.

Bram pulled the lever on his side and his face fell next to mine as having him horizontal I used the opportunity to straddle his waist and I felt his familiar hard dick in his pants press against me and pulsate. I leaned down kissed where his neck met his jaw and heard the moans escape from his mouth. The feeling of Bram’s dick move against me out of a pleasure-pulse enthralled me to begin to grind against it.

My eyes fluttered behind my glasses, a move I know drove Bram wild and I opened the car door.

“I think having sex in a car is probably illegal in Georgia.” I whispered into his ear as my lips grazed his lobe. An airy laugh escaped Bram as he nodded in agreement. “Let’s go inside.”

We both have massive erections, but we didn’t care as they protruded from our jeans. I ran to unlock the front door as Bram slowly and purposefully walked behind me. I looked at him and the animalistic side had taken control. The door opened and Bram walked in behind me, shut the door, and locked it.

_8:26 PM_

The house was dark and smelled like recent cooking. I barely had a chance to kick off my shoes before Bram spun me around and picked me up with is strong arms. Attraction dipped down me as my hands felt his biceps and I licked my lips. My legs wrapped around his waist and my arms around his shoulder as he, without skipping a beat or losing breath, proceeded to walk us upstairs.

The fire in his eyes roared, causing my lips to part and exhale softly. I leaned into Bram’s cheek and kissed lightly, moving down at a dedicatedly slow speed. Bram’s grip tightened and I knew he could feel my hardness against his abdomen.

We reached the door to my room and Bram knelt and leaned me down onto my back, lips against mine, breathes intertwined. The carpet was soft as Bram rubbed his hard body against mine. He used this opportunity to drag his fingers through my hair as he continued to assault my lips with his indescribable lust. I couldn’t help myself and I grabbed the bulged outline of Bram’s dick and I could feel the warmth through his jeans as he exhaled excitedly just above my lips, causing my glasses to fog for a brief moment.

“Show me what you would have done.” Bram ordered. I liked when he ordered me around. He rolled off of me and I’m left with a pulsating erection of my own. I have to re-calibrate my senses and direction to give Bram my version of how I wanted to propose after he stoked the flame of desire. I put my hand on the back of my neck.

“It won’t be as wonderful as yours,” I began but was unable to finish as Bram’s close proximity pushed me against my door as his lips found the skin below my ears and he planted a few wet kisses. He pinned my wrists with one of his hands above my head and trailed kisses around my neck as I couldn’t control the moans escaping my body. That shut me up.

“It’s going to be wonderful.” Bram encouraged.

“It may not all be set up, do you want me to go in alone and-”

“I’m not letting you out of my sight,” he declared. I smiled as he kissed me and released his grip on my wrists. I put one hand on his butt and the other on the handle of my bedroom door and we stepped inside. The candles were still scattered around my room, unscathed by flame, as we crossed the threshold inside. Bram looked at the candles in my room just like I thought he would.

“They would have been lit and the lights would have been off.” I started as I shut the door behind us, revealing the pictures of us that I, thankfully, decided to keep up. He followed the candles around the room and then looked at the bed where the rose petals were supposed to have spelled his name.

“So those were supposed to say-”

“Abraham,” Bram finished. I stopped talking because that’s exactly what the rose petals spelled out. It seems Leah or Alice came back to my room to ensure that if we did come back here that it looked similar to how I left it the night before. A smile crawled across my face.

Bram turned to compliment me on the roses, but his gaze never met my eye. He spotted the collage of photos behind me and walked over to them. We looked through them together as tears grew in his eyes the more and more we observed the last four years of our lives in picture form. I leaned on his shoulder.

“You were supposed to have noticed the candles, then walked to the bed to see your name, and then turn to me to kiss me or ask what was going on and I would have been here, on one knee, with the ring, these pictures of us behind me.”

Bram stepped away from me. “So do it.”

He pulled off his ring and dropped it into my hand. I smiled wide. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

_8:51 PM_

We lit the candles around my room and cut the lights. A romantic yellow-orange glow emanated in my room and the candles flickered gave the impression the room was breathing and alive. Bram hugged me from behind as we observed my room and I walked him to the bed revisit the rose petals that spelled his name. I dropped him off there and took his ring out of my pocket and got on my knee by the door. Bram waited a beat.

“Simon, this is so romantic, what is this-” he said as he turned around and was fake shocked, seeing me on my knee with the ring between my fingers.

“This is where I would have recited the poem,” I told him with loving eyes. He reciprocated with the same look in his.

“I don’t know if I could emotionally handle hearing that right now.” Bram said as he laughed.

“I don’t think I could handle saying it again, I’m pretty sure I’m dehydrated.” I said back.

There’s a pause in our words because we catch each other staring, unable to pretend we’re not head over heels for each other.

“And then,” I said, ending our silent observation. “I would have said ‘Abraham Louis Greenfeld, will you marry me?’”

Bram walked over with his left hand extended and threaded his finger through the ring. “Yes,” he replied with a big Bram smile plastered on his face. I grabbed his left hand, again with a ring, and kissed it.

“And that’s it. Obviously it wasn’t as spectacular as your proposal was.”

He got down on his knees and inched towards me until he was close enough to hug me. His arms wrapped around the same place they always would, just above my butt. He looked down at me a little as his long legs made his height seem taller even though we were on our knees.

“It was the most perfect proposal, Simon. Just you and me in your room? It was exactly what I wanted.” He rubbed my lower back with his hands until they found their way down and caressed by butt under my underwear and jeans. “Now I want you.”

Bram was centimeters way from my face but I felt he aura of his touch upon my lips. The pang of desire and love was powerful between us and that feeling alone was very sensual and provocative. When our lips connected physically, it was a rush of adrenaline and passion. I asked Bram twice tonight to marry me and both times he said yes without skipping a beat.

_9:08 PM_

My phone played a sex song playlist in the background, assisting in tonight’s perfection. His warm lips and tongue cradled my mouth in slow, passion filled strokes as our lips massaged one another. I inched closer to him so our chests touched and I felt his increased heart beat against mine.  My fingers began to play with his his shirt and my hands kept grazing against his firm pectorals and abdomen. After I pulled his v-neck collar over, I moved my mouth from his lips which Bram fought until I kissed a path down his neck. Bram moaned and I felt his vocal cords vibrate against my cheek and my lips kissed the shape of his right pectoral muscle until I pulled his shirt off his shoulder and began to kiss his nipple.

He exhaled vowels as I lightly bit and drew circles around his nipple with my tongue. Bram began to shuffle around my waist to find my belt. My jeans fell a little which took pressure off of my hardening dick as Bram accidentally brushed it, but then grabbed it through my jeans once he realized what he touched. I looked down and saw his powerful fingers grip a little tighter around it and he began rubbing me.

I finished pulling off his shirt and his arms were still in the air as I moved across his chest with kisses. Flickering candlelight highlighted the curvatures of his masculine form, proving I do love men as his bulging arms and shoulder muscles caused me to go slack jaw and become harder. Bram was still rubbing my dick and I returned to kissing his chest. He was also hard in his jeans and I unbuttoned them as I became just as hungry as he was. In one swift motion, Bram stood up and picked me up with him so we were on our feet.

“What would you have done next, after you proposed?” He asked dripping with desire.

I laughed and thought this is exactly what we’d be doing: manifesting our love physically. But instead I told him;

“Then I would have kissed you here.” I kissed an exceptionally sensitive patch of skin on his neck. Bram bit his lip and exhaled sensually and felt him shiver.

“Then what?” Bram asked airly, eyes closed and head tilted upward, veins prominent. His skin looks gorgeous under the candle light.

“I would have kissed you here,” I said as I moved down to his collarbone, my lips moist and massaging his skin. Bram began to unzip his pants and I stopped him. He tilted his head down and stared into my eyes. I must have given him a hypnotic stare because he immediately understood what I wanted to do and resigned into my lead.

I got onto my knees and slowly pulled his pants down from the waist using my fingers to anchor the inside of the denim. Bram was wearing his purple banana boxer briefs and they slowly rose like a gorgeous sunrise as the pants fell lower and lower. His dick burst out from the band and bobbed for a second. Instinctively, I licked my lips as I stared at it, only inches from my face. These, Bram said in the past, were his lucky underwear. He was getting lucky tonight.

Bram stepped out of his jeans when I moved them to the floor. I grasped his legs and felt his toned thighs under my fingers and lips. I slipped my fingers under his underwear and moved them up to where his warm erection begged to be touched. My fingers went around the back of his underwear and I gripped his butt as I kissed his dick through the fabric. A growl escaped Bram as thoroughly enjoyed my lips touching his warm, hard erection.

His hands were on his head, moving through his hair as I got closer and closer to removing his banana boxer briefs. I moved my mouth from kissing his hard dick to the elastic band of his, smelling his musk and Dove soap. I kissed his skin just above the band and goose bumps erupted around.  I bit down on the underwear and pulled it down with my teeth as my lip streaked saliva across his thigh. Bram’s mouth hung open and minute moans and airy vowels escaped as his v-cut and pubic hair became exposed.

I saw the base of his dick and it made me hot and bothered. The mouth-watering sight made me light headed thinking about it. When I pulled his underwear down far enough, his dick was free from fabric and it bounced straight up. It was a thick and long and straight as an arrow. Bram’s hands were still in his hair as I used my hands to move his boxer briefs off of his ankles and he stood completely naked.

Bram was a work of art. I’ve never seen a more beautiful human with beautiful skin and beautiful curves and a beautiful soul. I finished appreciating him from afar and began to appreciate him physically. It was right in front of me and I could no longer just look at it.

My jaw opened and I took Bram’s dick into my mouth. My lips wrapped around his shaft about mid-way down and I closed my eyes. The sounds coming from Bram made me even harder as I began to twist my head as I sucked and moved my tongue around to ensure complete and total satisfaction. I grabbed his leg for balance as my right hand grasped the base of his dick and I used some of saliva to stroke it with my hand.

My fingers were close to my lips as I continued and my eyes were still closed. He placed his hand on the back of my head, but not to push me down on his dick. I loved it when he did that because it made me feel like he was taking control of me and him and us. This continued until;

_9:33 PM_

“You’re not naked.” He spun silk with his soft words.

I opened my eyes and moved my head until his dick was out of my mouth. “Let’s fix that.”

Bram helped me up as his dick stood aggressively at attention, pointing directly at me. “Strip.”

His eyes. His commanding, hypnotic eyes. I complied and realized only then that he was completely naked and I was completely clothed. That’s not the way God intended. Bram worked off my shirt as I used my feet to help me kick off my pants. Knowing its importance, he didn’t just throw the shirt on the ground, he folded it and set it on my desk chair, giving me an opportunity to see his phenomenal, round butt. He bent over and his legs were a little spread and I saw his balls dangling. I don’t know why I love that view of Bram so much but it stoked the flames.

My underwear flew off and I walked slowly and sensually to the bed as I felt Bram’s eyes on me the entire time. I laid on my bed on my back, head leaning off the foot of it with my mouth open, laying on my fiancé’s name spelled out in rose petals. You didn’t have to be a rocket scientist to realize what I wanted Bram to do in the situation. Upside down Bram walked over, bent his knees a little, and he inserted his dick into my mouth. It slid in with little resistance as he started to thrust in and out as my lips closed around it.

Use me, Bram. Use me. I’m here for you.

He did. His thrusts grew deeper and deeper into my throat until I could feel his balls graze against my nose. I grabbed his butt and pushed him deeper to his satisfaction and moan and his balls sat against my nose and lips. I moved my mouth around while all of him was in my mouth and throat and I felt Bram tremble. He backed out of my throat and a string of saliva connected my lips to the tip of his head. I was able to breathe again as pants escaped my lungs and tears formed in my eyes. Not from emotion, but from pleasurably choking on his massive self.

It was a surprise when I felt his warm, wet mouth on my dick as he aggressively and rapidly began to blow me. He didn’t move from his original position and his dick was still next to my face, glistening from saliva. I allowed a few moans and breaths of passionate air escape me as his moist, wet mouth and lips stroked my dick. Then I moved his dick back into my throat so we were both in each other’s mouths. I knew Bram liked this because his mouth felt wetter and warmer and I tasted some pre-come.

_9:50 PM_

Seconds turned into minutes until Bram moved himself out of my mouth and pulled me around so I my head was now on the pillows of my bed. I laid there, naked, rose petals strewn about around me like in American Beauty. Bram stood staring at me from the foot of the bed and I hoped he was imagining the same thing. I think we both took this opportunity to really study each other and how we looked at one another different now that we were engaged.

He crawled up to me, staring at me like prey, and laid on top of me. His body was hot, and our skin touching shot a pulse though my body and my heart rate increased. Our legs laced over each other’s, arm in arm, faces connected by lips. Bram pulled back from our kiss.

“We are one being with four legs,” he whispered in my ear with a kiss, “four arms,” he intertwined our fingers with a kiss, “and two faces,” he laid a passionate kiss on my lips. “Two halves that finally found one another.”

I felt at that moment Bram pull at my heartstrings and instead of being tied up in my own chest, they became tangled with his and we were forever going to be connected by our hearts. The feeling and emotion of this realization boiled over into physical passion as I pulled him down on me, creating sweat and exchanging kisses as our erections pressed against each other’s abdomen and legs.

Bram bit his lip and I licked mine as he kissed down my chest to the inside of my thigh. I tilted my head back as his lips felt amazing against my sensitive skin. I loved when he kissed around my dick, like his lips were teasing me, it was the best feeling in the world. His soft lips kissed all around my thigh until he moved his hands under my butt and pushed my hips upward and placed his face between my cheeks.

It felt wonderful and amazing and weird and wonderful. His tongue was magic as it traced in and out and around and it felt so good as tingling sensations crept around my body. I inched away to get within reach of the lube and Bram followed immediately like a dog eating out of a bowl. Bram kept one hand on my butt as his other jerked himself off.  I gasped and moaned as I was about to take off my ring to put lube on my hands. He noticed and stopped me, touching my side.

“Keep it on,” Bram said. “I want…I want you to keep it on. You’re mine now.”

How could I say no to him? I was his before tonight, but these rings mean a lot to him. I pumped lube into my hand.

“Good thing we’re both right handed,” I replied as I applied the lube to his hard dick. He moaned and tilted his head up to the ceiling. When he did this, all of his muscles tightened as the bulged out of his skin. He looked back down at me while I slowly jerked him to apply lube.

“I’m so hard it hurts, Si,” he said in a gasp. I swallowed hard and finished rubbing more lube on his dick. Bram has a large vein that when he’s really hard is very evident and is in full view as I squeeze and rub it some more. I’m so hard thinking about how hard Bram is that mine starts to hurt. Sympathy pain I guess. I applied lube around my butt and Bram put some on his fingers and moved mine away. “I get to do this.”

I smiled and it quickly turned into an ecstasy frown as he slipped his thick, masculine fingers inside of me. The warm soft pinch quickly dissipated and what I was left with is feeling whole as passion pangs traveled around my body. I knew how much Bram liked my facial expressions when he made me feel good and made sure not to hold anything back, especially tonight.

I gave him an unedited performance as he slipped in another finger to prepare me for what’s about to come. His fingers felt phenomenal as they slid in and out of me and it made me crave for him inside of me. I opened my eyes and nodded as I bit my lip. Bram knew exactly what that meant.

He inched forward on his knees as my legs were in the air, waiting for him to penetrate me. His chest was tight with muscle and his elevated heart rate made his veins bulge as I felt the head of his dick circle around the place he was about to put it. We made eye contact and had a non-verbal conversation.

 _Are you ready?_ His eyebrows, eyes, and lips revealed.

 _Hell yeah._ My eyes confirmed.

Every time he entered me it’s like it’s for the first time, like I get sex amnesia and forget how fucking good it felt. I forget how sexy Bram’s face becomes when he first enters me and it made me want to come right away. I forget how I get sex drunk and became a puppet to his desire. He slowly put all of himself inside of me, but very carefully reading my facial expressions to ensure he wasn't hurting me. He’s so selfless during sex.

I felt the familiar scruff of pubic hair against my butt. This always filled me with an indescribable joy to feel the most connected to him that we possibly can. He began to slowly thrust in and out and I was completely powerless to the sensation he was filling within me. I felt every inch as the strokes loosened me each time in eye rolling ecstasy. It made me hot and I lost my breath.

Bram reached over while still humping me me to put some lube on his hand and started to jerk me off. It caused me to flex my muscles even tighter around Bram’s dick inside of me and it became even more pleasurable for both of us as he increased his tempo and rhythm. His face transformed so quickly between primal urge and sensual passion and looking at his face made me float as he slapped his body against mine.

Every once in a while Bram would go between traditional trusts to clockwise motions around which always made me grip either the bed or his skin. When he did it this time, I clamped my arms around his back, desiring to be even closer to him somehow, like somehow our skin could fuse together. Bram took this opportunity to pick me up off of the bed. He is on his knees, bouncing on them on the bed while rocking his hips in and out of me and it brought me to the next dimension.

I felt his arm and leg muscles pulsate with every thrust as his face made all of these carnal micro expressions of bliss. It’s sexy to see his face when he’s getting off because of me. I was making him feel this way. This angle allowed him to go even deeper and hit my prostate and with every thrust he brought me closer and closer to release. I fought with all I had to stop the urge because I wanted this moment to go on forever.

_10:27 PM_

Sweat dripped from Bram’s face as I had him pull out of me and moved us into a new position. I leaned him back on the bed and he stretched his legs, relaxing and panting and sweating. I crawled over him and kissed his abs, moved up to his pectorals, and finished at his lips.

When my body is far enough above his dick, I arched my back, and rubbed his head with my lubey skin. I liked this position because I did all of the work and Bram got to sit there and just enjoy it. He laid there, panting and ready to be back inside of me as I straddled his cut thighs. After some moments of teasing, I leaned back onto his dick as the familiar feeling of his hardness eased into me. As soon as my butt rested against his thighs, it was my turn to bounce on my knees.

Bram’s back arched up as his head moved around trying to comprehend what he was feeling. He was lost in the moment and only feeling us together as I rocked back and forth on him and rocketed us to the place where it was just me and him. His eyes would find mine and we would drink each other in and it made us both realize why sex was sometimes called making love.

Thinking about that caused me to ride him more feverishly and I felt the rising build of ecstasy. Bram gripped my legs as I increased the speed and length of my strokes.

_10:45 PM_

“Si…,” he almost whispered. I bit my lip and didn’t stop shoving my butt against him as I turned my head around. We were in doggy style and I could see he wanted to kiss me. I slipped off of him and turned around and leaned him on his back. Our lips caressed each other’s as his hands found my hair and mine found his. His breath was sweet, his hands soft, his eyes enchanting. I arched my back and inserted himself into me and rocked back and forth as my hips helped me explain to Bram how much I’m in love with him, how that I couldn’t imagine a life without him, and no words could ever describe the impact he’s had on me life. The only way I knew that could begin to show how much I love him is through our bodies connecting and becoming one.

“Si, I want you now.” Bram said between kisses. I slid off of him and he moved to the pillows on the bed and put lube between his cheeks. While he prepared himself, I kissed him gently while he moaned as he put a finger inside of himself. I would gladly do this to him, for him, all the time, but Bram’s fingers are thicker and get the job done. Also, he’s particular about his own butt. And whatever Bram tells me, I respect and follow to the ‘t.’

After more kisses, Bram was ready and he turned on his side and I saw the curve from his legs up to his butt down to his waist and up to his powerful shoulders. The sexiest silhouette I could possible imagine.  I inched behind him as I applied more lube to myself before I starting putting myself in. He winced and lost breath, but whispered for me to keep going and I always followed orders. I kissed his neck and ear until I was all the way in.

Bodies talk when words cannot and Bram could write music with his. He was warm and tight and it felt phenomenal as I slowly and passionately thrust. My hands navigated all of the curves and edges of his body as I found where to touch him. When I’m topping, Bram demanded my hands on him at all times as we bring each other to paradise. He turned his head back to me and his eyes burned with desire as I kissed his big, supple lips.

_11:11 PM_

After a few more positions, Bram and I were ready. He was on his back, legs wrapped around my body as I thrusted into him more heatedly and aggressively as the sweat and lube caused our skin to smack louder as my body hit his. Bram rolled around on his back as I thrust to get more of a greater feeling from him and he told me.

“Si, I’m gonna come.”

The sexiest words he could tell me. It made me increase my speed as I bit my lip to work it out of him and push him over the edge. I was close too and I grabbed his dick and rubbed it as there was some lube still on it. Bram’s eyes widened and lips shaped into various silent consonants.

“Fuck, Si! I’m gonna…I’m…”

He came in thick ribbons as they painted up his chest, some getting on to the bed, and he couldn’t stop as more laced around his torso. I came in him as soon as his muscles contracted around me and I had to release.

I retreated into the ecstasy Bram and I created for each other as warm shots reverberated through my body and it felt like I was no longer in control. I closed my eyes and we both panted as I slowly pulled out of him and laid next to him on sweat and lube and love. I turned my head and his lips found me and we passionately kissed between breaths. Finally, he pulled back and relaxed onto the bed.  I looked down at his post-sex dick and it laid against his stomach, still somewhat hard.

“I love you…so much, Si. So much.” Bram said as he attempted to catch his breath. His hand found mind and he brought it up to his lips and he kissed it.

“I love you more. Always more. Forever more.” I replied. I looked at him and then his chest. “Let’s get cleaned up.”

Bram laughed. “Together? Like when you visited for Halloweiner?”

I kissed him. “Absolutely.”


	16. In Spite of Zeus Himself

Bram and I were on the couch in the living room eating Ben & Jerry's by the time Alice could no longer prevent Mom and Dad from coming home. It was a little after midnight on a weeknight so after additional talking, hugging, and crying (from Mom), they retired to bed. We were floating on the joy of tonight and Bram and I couldn't keep our hands off each other.

Nora wanted to show Bram some new songs she taught herself on the guitar and, like a good soon-to-be-brother-in-law, he went to the garage with her after planting a kiss on my cheek. It left me with Alice and she stole Bram's spoon to partake in our Half Baked pint.

Tonight was such a blur that I replayed moments over and over again. Hearing Bram's voice, taking us through our memories, the rings, the song, the (phenomenal) proposal sex. All of it hit me in waves of emotion and I realized how lucky I was to be surrounded these people in my life. I stared at Alice in thought until she noticed from the corner of her eye and slowly turned her head.

"Thank you." I said.

Her eyebrows furrowed and she gave me a crazy look. "For what you weirdo?"

"For being a part of tonight, for helping, for making it special."

"Of course Bub," she said, stealing the ice cream pint again. "You're my favorite brother, but when you marry Bram he'll technically be a brother too, so…you'll lose to him, sorry. We had a great run though, right?"

"Yeah, and I'll gain another sister, just what I need."

She spooned ice cream into her mouth with her typical Alice smirk. After passing me the pint, she added, "But Bram…man he has an insanely detailed mind. I think Mom said he planned all of this like…years ago."

"Sounds like Bram," I replied, reflecting on the spectacle of tonight. My thoughts traveled back about twelve hours ago when I still thought Bram left and everyone was in the living room like a wake. There was one thing that now, since everything worked out, was brought back to my attention. It was probably nothing, but my curiosity couldn't resist. I spooned at the ice cream until I got the courage to ask.

"Can I ask you one thing?"

"Sure." Alice answered, looking at her phone.

"Can you tell me what you talked about outside the Waffle House now?"

Alice moved her phone from her eyes and rolled them as she laughed to herself. "Are you serious?"

"Yes!" I finally eat some ice cream as Alice set her phone down and turned to face me.

"Well, since the cat's out of the bag," she started as she moved hair from her face. "Promise you won't get emotional?"

"Never."

_Alice's Perspective – The Day Before the Proposal_

I couldn't help but follow Bub's glance outside when Bram took his phone call. His eyes looked so conflicted as his empathy for anything Bram-related was astronomically high. You know how twins can supposedly feel each other's pain? I think Simon can actually feel when Bram is anxious and it made him the same way. Finally, Bram dropped the phone from his ear and walked back inside. Phew. Now we can get back to-

"Hey, Alice, can I talk to you outside?"

Everybody at the table stared at me. Mom, Dad, even Nora…and I don't even want to look at Simon and his dopey puppy dog eyes. He's been so much more relaxed recently so when he actually looked anxious, it worked on me. I sipped my soda and looked at Bram who had a serious look. Not serious in the 'we have to all pretend we don't know he's proposing to Simon' acting serious, but a 'I need to talk to somebody and the one person I want to talk to I can't' serious. Bram didn't leave me much choice. Sorry, Si.

"Sure," I replied as I stood, giving Bub 'don't hate me' eyes. I know how his mind worked and it could be slippery slope. Luckily he still had some waffle left to distract himself. He played with his food when he was busy thinking. Dad does the same, Nora too. And me. Mom is the odd one out.

"Is everything okay?" Simon asked with a hint of concern and adjusted his glasses. Classic nervous Simon twitch.

"Yeah, yeah," Bram said, putting on a smile, "it's just a work related question that I don't want to bore you all with. It won't be long."

Simon smiled back, but it wasn't a full one as Bram already started for the door and Dad tilted his head as if saying 'go after him.' We walked outside and Bram didn't go to far before he started talking.

"I hate lying to him, I hate that I can't talk to him about this. Why didn't I think this would as hard as it is?"

I came around him as his back was to the windows. He's smart and didn't want to give away his reaction (to Simon). I also tried to manage any reaction or Simon would be on me about everything we discussed right now.

A few months back, Bram and I talked about this exact same feeling he had. "Remember what I told you before? You're not _lying_ to him, you're just _avoiding_ being completely truthful in order to surprise him." I looked behind Bram and can barely see into the restaurant, but I can tell everyone's eyes are looking at us. They don't call us the Suave Spiers.

"They're all looking, huh?" Bram said with a hint of laughter.

"Yep," I said as I waived. They all looked back at their meals quickly except Dad who waived back. "So what's up with this 'work related question?' Is everything still going as planned?"

He looked down at the ground for a minute. Bram and I haven't talked terribly much since they started dating due my travels with my job, but I knew him well enough that this issue wasn't Simon related. And that it was weighing on him.

"Bram, is this actually a real work question?"

"The phone call," he rasped out, "that was the station…my boss told me they're promoting me. I'm going to be reporting, on air, at least one story a week."

I tilted my head. "For real?"

Bram's entire plan to surprise Simon hinged on the fact that he had to tell Simon today that he needed to go back early for a job promotion at work so that when he surprised Simon at school, he would have no inclination that Bram was setting something up for their anniversary. The inherent risk, however, was Simon could react poorly to his fib, but Bram trusts their relationship enough to know the end would justify the means.

"Bram! Oh my god, that's great news!"

I under acted it so any passer-by would have assumed I was being sarcastic, but I meant it. But since Bram was facing me, his face betrayed the news he just told me. "What's wrong?"

"They want me back in Baltimore…tomorrow."

And there it is: the white lie turned into a reality. Bram's eyes danced around in his head, racing to find a solution he couldn't catch.

"Tell them you can't come until at least Wednesday." I offered. Bram shook his head.

"This isn't something I can just ask them to delay. My boss worked for months to get them to approve of my promotion and they never do this apparently. His reputation is on the line so if they need me there, they _need_ me there."

He looked up at me with tears in his eyes. I've never seen him upset and I didn't revel knowing how it looked. I repressed the urge to put my hand on his shoulder or Simon would _know_ something was up.

"I don't know what to do, Alice. This job could give us such an enormous advantage when we move to New York and it would help if one of us had an immediate income. Then the money Si and I are saving could be used for the wedding or whatever. But…"

"But?"

"If I leave…for real leave and no proposal happens…from either of us? That would absolutely crush Simon. I don't know if I could do that to him."

Bram's first thought was of my brother and that's sweet, blah, blah,blah. But what's also sweet is to have a job.

"Well, I'm going to say what you're obviously too nice to say, but it's not fair to you to put this opportunity on hold just for your relationship. And I know Simon would tell you the same thing if you told him." Bram looked at me a bit hurt, but I think it's because he was thought that too. "In fact, I think he'd not forgive himself if he knew you turned down a job just for him."

I had to play devil's advocate, even if I didn't know if my choice was the right one.

"Look, I think I'm the last person you should take advice from in this situation because we both know I picked the job and that ended my relationship with Theo."

"That's exactly why I needed to talk to _you_." Bram said as he began to pace. "I need to just…I wish I could just _talk_ to him about this, you know? Have you ever met someone that you know no matter what you ask them, their answer will _actually_ impact you? Actually help you because you trust them so much?"

I tried to put the calmest look on my face. "No, I don't. I didn't have that with Theo and I think that's why I'm where I am. But I'm not you and Simon. What worked for me won't work for you."

Bram needed a soundboard, but I think he already knew what he was going to do.

"Bram, you're smart guy so I'm going to shoot it to you straight: Choice one, you return the call and ask to come in a week. This may or may not work out with the job, but you'll be engaged for sure. Or choice two, you leave tonight and go to the job because it will help you in the future, but you'll get engaged at a different time."

"But all of the planning, Nora and the band, the school...and our anniversaries...what about all that?"

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes because, of course, Bram still thought about others verses himself.

"I wish I could tell you that life gets easier, but it doesn't. Becoming an adult only means you have to make choices that become harder and harder. All I can tell you is that you need to choose the path that you _know_ you'll be happier going down. For some people that's their career, for others it's the relationships they have."

I stopped before saying this part because I hated being gushy. "But for you, Bram…aren't you the one that told your dad that you would live in a box on the street as long as you and Si were together?"

He sniffled out a laugh and his eyes glistened as he shook his head up and down. I grabbed his shoulders and looked into his eyes.

"I think you already know what horse you want to bet on. And it's not the wrong one."

Bram pulled me closer and laid a nice, big hug as I squeezed him back. Simon was right, he is a good hugger.

Alice had the ice cream back and I was silent. She spooned some into her mouth and stared at me. "What? I told you no emotions."

Cute Bram Greenfeld: Grammar nerd, soccer calves, sweetest human being. It wasn't lost on me that Bram chose me over him, it made me a little sad. Which is exactly what Alice said would happen either way. I'm overwhelmingly happy that he chose me, but I hope he didn't give up something great in exchange.

"I just…am happy he chose us," I said to her, trying to sound as unemotional as possible.

"Me too, Bub, me too," She replied with a smile. "So do you know if he has the job?"

"I think so…he told me he starts next week."

"Then it's a win-win!" Alice replied finishing the ice cream and slammed it on the table, victorious. Bram walked into the room with Nora. "How was the jam session?"

"It was awesome," Bram responded as he and Nora high-fived. "She keeps getting better and better."

"Thanks, Bram. But I gotta go to school tomorrow and I still haven't done my homework yet thanks to you, Simon." Nora accused.

"I appreciate you and your talent!" I shouted at her as she walked upstairs.

"I think that's my cue to leave too," Alice started. "Plus I finished the ice cream, sorry."

"You can stay down with us, I want to see as much of you as I can before I leave," I replied.

"Nah…I can feel the sexual tension even though I'm sure you both…uhm…Wow, now it's awkward and I'm just going to leave."

Alice hugged Bram and went upstairs. Bram jumped on the couch and laid on me as Netflix played. He was into the show but it was more of white noise to me as I thought about how lucky I was. I stroked his head with my fingers as he laid on my thigh with a relaxed smile on his face.

"B?"

"Yeah?" He said softly.

"I want you to know that I'd always pick us first too."

Bram's smile grew and he shook his head. "You finally made Alice tell you, huh?" He knew me so well. He leaned up off my thigh and grabbed my hand.

"Simon, you're always the person I'm going to pick. What's the point of having a good job if you have no one to spoil when you come home? Besides, they were okay with it, I was just worried to ask for one measly week. The whole point of marriage is compromise right? Well I don't want to compromise when it comes to us, ever."

I leaned over and kissed him and his Bram SmileTM appeared.

"I love you and I'll never compromise on us either. Sounds like we have a start to our wedding vows! Speaking of which, you have raised the bar tremendously on the proposal, how are we going to make the wedding even better?"

"We'll figure out a way," Bram said as he kissed my lips. "I'm excited to plan this with you this time. You have no idea how hard it was to listen to everyone's suggestions and resist the urge to just talk to you about it. But then you wouldn't have been as surprised and all the faces you made tonight I want to remember forever."

I kissed him because I couldn't help myself. I smiled a large Bram SmileTM and he reciprocated.

_Bram's Perspective – The Next Day_

Simon and I woke up the next morning in each other's arms. It was a beautiful realization to know that I will get to do this for the rest of our lives after this final semester of college. Light poured in through his window as rose petals still littered the bed and his record player still spun, giving off hisses and pops. His leg hung out from the covers because he sometimes got too hot during the night and he moved it onto my legs. He looked up to me with his gorgeous moon eyes and batted his eyelashes. I couldn't resist smiling and planted a kiss on his forehead.

We got dressed because we still had all day Tuesday before Simon had planned to be back at Yale. I had a surprise for Simon that involved Abby and Nick and they were coming over before we all went back to school to talk some wedding logistics. Do you think my planning stopped at the proposal and I didn't also start to plan the wedding? Was I over-confident Simon would say yes? Maybe.

Simon and I made our way down to the kitchen where he started to make us breakfast. He's become quite the chef since he left high school because he wanted to impress his boyfriend who lived in a different city when he could visit with ornate and delicious dinners. And it worked.

"Oh, I forgot to add to the proposal re-creation that I was planning on cooking us a great dinner here, then found an excuse to go up to my room where everything would have unfolded as it did last night."

He blushed and adjusted his glasses. Sweet Simon Spier, always thinking of everything. Mostly, Simon gave me credit for thinking of everything, but when it came to the little details that meant a lot, he remembered those. I twisted my mouth to the side because diner was the one thing I didn't add into my plan. Nick, however, told me he made Simon eat at the bar before he came to Creekwood so it's good to have a man on the inside.

"Don't worry, B. I absolutely loved last night! I can make you the dinner tonight instead."

He came around the island and laid four kisses on me before running back to check on the eggs. Crackling bacon and cheesy eggs in the morning was something I could get used to. Leah always told me their breakfast routines since they lived together and it made me jealous. But now, I'll be Simon's roommate and we'll get to share the cooking fun.

We make quick work of Simon's delicious breakfast and then I texted Nick to come over.

..

_Good! Got some good work done on it this semester  
turned it into my senior thesis_

_Okay, but be cool, remember Simon doesn't know._

.

…  
 _Abraham, I am appalled. I'm the coolest of cucumbers  
Be over soon_

Abby stayed at Nick's so they were only about two minutes away. I told Simon to sit as I cleaned the dishes since he cooked. It only worked for about three seconds before I found him hugging me from behind and planted kisses on my neck.

The doorbell rang. Simon's ears perked up as he ran to the door like a puppy to answer it.

"Abby!" He yelled. I finished up with the dishes and walked in the hallway to find Simon still deep in an Abby hug. Nick wasn't far behind and had his laptop and Abby's leather portfolio that her mother gave her two Christmases ago.

"You guys, what are you still doing here? Don't you have to be back in New York?"

"Not until tomorrow like you, Si," Nick said as they hugged. "There's one more thing your boy concocted from us."

My face relaxed into 'really?' expression as Nick laughed.

"I'm sorry, Bram, that's as cool as I could be."

Simon faced me with overwhelming love in his eyes. "B, what did you do now?!"

Abby grabbed Simon's hand. "Let me show you," she said as they found their way into the living room. We sat down and Simon pulled the coffee table closer as Nick handed Abby her portfolio. She sat in the middle between Simon and I.

"So, Simon, we didn't play the biggest roles last night because we've been working on this since like September. And since I'm much more cool than Nick, I'll just show you what I'm working on." She opened the portfolio and lying there were sheets upon sheets of concept art for various suit designs.

Simon's eyes widened and he placed his hand on the back of his neck like he always did. He was so cute (but never tried to be) and his lingering stare was always there.

"Abby, you…you're designing our suits?"

"And making them as well!"

I grabbed Simon's hand behind Abby and he squeezed back. It was his 'we have the greatest friends' hand squeeze he usually gives. Simon looked into Abby's eyes and couldn't stop shaking his head in disbelief.

"Abby that is the best…best gift I could ask for."

"Hey!" Nick shouted. We all laughed. Abby took attention back to her portfolio on the table as Nick walked to the kitchen to grab us a couple bottles of ice coffee (two with milk for me and Abby).

"Okay, so here are all of the ideas I have, do you want to look at all of them or my favorites?"

I looked at Simon. "What do you think?"

I know this was literally the first thing we were doing, but my heartbeat grew faster holding my fiancé's hand while we planned our wedding. Simon looked at me for non-verbal permission to give his answer, to which I stared back at him and raised my eyebrow, telling him it was his choice.

"I trust you, Abbs," Simon replied.

"Good!" Abby put all but two sheets away. "So this first one is a traditional suit combination, Bram's being robin's egg blue, or what I like to call baby blue, Simon's being the navy blue."

The first drawing had a brown faceless man in a baby blue suit with matching pants and a thin black tie and a white faceless man in a navy blue suit with matching pants and a thin black tie as well. I had a navy blue pocket square and white buttons whereas Simon sported a baby blue pocket square and navy blue buttons. Below the main suit drawings were alternate tie colors.

"I'm sorry," Abby started. "When you asked me to design these, I could only think of you two in blue…because…well you know. Is that tacky?"

"Not one bit," I replied, smiling wide.

"They're amazing." Simon agreed. "You couldn't have picked better colors."

After asking questions and reviewing the design in greater detail, Abby switched the sheets of paper.

"The other concept is a bit more modern and I switched the colors between you two."

The black faceless man wore a fitted navy blue suit with a green tie and an orange pocket square, matching pants, and dark brown shoes.

"I wanted to bring your email as much as I could non verbally bluegreen118." Abby commented, winking at me.

The white faceless man had a fitted baby blue suit with a yellow tie and a pink pocket square with matching pants and lighter brown shoes.

I imagined both of us at the altar in these suits and it made me smile so wide. I saw the rest of the wedding materialize around these suits with who would officiate, the flowers we'd use on the ends of the rows of chairs, the complimentary suits of all of our Best People. Abby noticed.

"Looks like you like option two." She said with some pride.

"I love them," Simon responded for us. "Bram is going to look so cute in his navy blue suit."

Simon looked at me and it seemed we both knew which suits we wanted.

"Option two?" He asked moving his hair out of his face.

"Option two," I replied nodding as I gave Simon a kiss across Abby's lap.

"Great! Now comes the fun part," Abby said excitedly pushing through our kiss and pulled out a tape measure. "It's measuring time!"

Abby started with Simon and dragged him off the couch. She put on music and started taking measurements and recorded them on a detailed sheet as Lana Del Rey's 'Love' played throughout the house.

_You get ready, you get all dressed up_   
_To go nowhere in particular_   
_Back to work or the coffee shop_   
_Doesn't matter 'cause it's enough_   
_To be young and in love_

Sipping on her ice coffee, Abby joked with Simon as she started to measure his inseam as he stood, legs spread. Nick made a joke about Abby looking like the mice from Cinderella cause she worked so fast and moved around Simon so quickly. Simon and Abby started to sway to her gloomy, lethargic beat and joined in the vocals.

While this went on, Nick and I sat on the couch observing the crazy fun people we were in love with. He whispered to me while Simon and Abby laughed and sang.

"Do you want Si to know about the song? I thought we were supposed to meet with just you?"

No more secrets from Simon. I wanted everything to be up front and honest about us from now on. Oh! Another good line for my vows!

"Change of plans," I replied as I grasped his shoulder. "I don't want to keep Simon in the dark. We're a unit now."

Nick smiled and gave me an ear bud. "Want to hear what it sounds like so far?"

I took the bud and put it in my ear as I heard a hauntingly beautiful melody Nick composed for our wedding. Abby and Simon were almost finished measuring as Nick's song played on and all I could imagine is a moment like this happening on our wedding day, us walking down the aisle to a song our friends made for us because they know us so well. It made me a little emotional as I squeezed the bridge of my nose and turn to Nick.

"Nick, this is so good."

"Yeah?" He said, eager for feedback.

"Yeah. You captured…if Simon and I were a song, this would be it."

"Thanks, man. That means a lot."

"Your turn Bram!" Abby yelled.

_Nora's Perspective – Thanksgiving Senior Year_

"The Gauge Rig is pretty." Ruth shouted at Elijah. Her and her young, big, kindergarten mouth.

"Gauge Rig?" Simon asked.

Oh no, is he going to get that Ruth meant to say 'The _engagement ring_ is pretty?' But since she's a five year old she doesn't pronounce anything right?

Dad showed us the gold rings he made in the garage earlier that day while Simon picked up Bram and his parents. I didn't think they were that cool, they looked just like plain wedding rings. There weren't even diamonds. He told us he wasn't done yet, but let's face it guy's rings are so boring so how much cooler could they get?

Let's see if Simon gets it. Ten bucks he doesn't. Bram's face is not one of certainty like mine as his eyes widened and he looked to me. I discretely shook my head 'no' and it made Bram kind of smile. I get why Simon liked his smile.

"You already taking her to the ocean?" I lifted my eyebrow at Bram to give him a sense of calmness. No surprise was ruined but then I glared at Simon because how the hell would he know a fishing term? Bram wasn't supposed to know that Simon met secretly with his parents but Simon is leading him to that conclusion. A child ruining a surprise is different than a grown-ass man because he's fumbling around with his words. Bram is not as stupid as Simon and luckily he knew Simon met with his dad already. God Simon is bad at this.

"Look at your mister fisherman," Bram said to him and shot a wink at me.

Ugh. Alice is right these two are nauseating.

Simon went into the living room with Bram's parents as we stayed in the kitchen, probably thinking he needed to come up with some damage control, but he would be mistaken. I stared at him, speaking with Bram's parents about almost blowing it. What a ridiculous man.

"Can you imagine if Ruth would have given away the surprise?" Mom said to Bram.

"I know, whew! Close call." Bram said before looking at me and he winked again. "Thanks for keeping me cool."

Okay, maybe it's okay if Bram is nauseating. Him and Simon get to be nauseating as long as they're together.

_Simon's Perspective – Present_

Nick and Abby left with more confidence than when they entered. Everything was amazing and they had a new energy and pep in their step. The song was absolutely amazing and I cannot wait for Abby to finish the suits, they're going to look great!

We both walked back to the living room as I laid on the couch. Bram laid in front of me as I put my leg on him. I loved being the big spoon. We talked about random things as white noise Netflix played. I kept asking him questions about his classes this semester and how this coming semester was way less work so he'll even have more time to work at the station and visit each other. I'm so glad this was the last time we needed to be relationship camels; seeing each other and storing love in humps on our back for the dry, long semesters.

That made me think back to our last night together this year and something crossed my mind.

"Bram, the night before you left for college, when we didn't use a condom…did you know then that I wanted to marry you?"

He smiled and nodded his head, his coffee eyes looking deep into mine and stirring my heart. "Are you mad?"

I gave him a crazy look. "No way…it just…I know we didn't use a condom and it _felt_ different and blah, blah, blah, but it also felt different in like…in an emotional way…and now I know why."

Bram's eyes continued to stir me and I resigned to the floating feeling. "It's when I knew it was us forever. I mean, I never doubted it, but knowing at that point we both wanted only each other…and I didn't think it was possible, but I felt even deeper in love with you. I know you felt it too."

I kissed Bram all over his face and we got back to laying on each other. Of course I felt it, it was almost a transcendent connection we ever had. Bram started talking about wedding logistics while Netflix white noise continued in the background. We discussed possible locations when one very important part of us getting married popped into my head.

"B, how do you feel about the last name thing?"

He turned around on the couch so we faced each other and he kissed me gently and nuzzled my neck.

"I don't know, but I'm so glad I can talk to you about it now. I've been thinking about this since…" Bram trailed off into a smile.

"Since freshman year of high school?" I respond jokingly, but it made Bram blush meaning there was some truth to it. "Have you seriously thought about it since freshman year?!" Bram buried his head in my shirt as I laughed. "That is honestly so cute!"

"No it's no, I'm a weirdo!" He yelled into my shirt.

"Never," I replied, kissing his head.

"It's your fault for looking so cute during lunch on our first day of high school. I haven't been the same since."

Bram always knew what to say. Always. No wonder he's going to be a kick ass journalist.

"I have an idea that will help me decide as I'm sure you have your choice already picked out?"

"Maybe," Bram replied, holding out the 'a' with a smile to follow.

I laughed as I grabbed come computer paper and a sharpie as I wrote out all the possible name choices so I could see how our names would look and sound to see which rolled off the tongue the best:

**Simon Spier                          Simon Spier-Greenfeld                       Simon Greenfeld-Spier                       Simon Greenfeld**

**Abraham Spier                     Abraham Spier-Greenfeld                 Abraham Greenfeld-Spier                Abraham Greenfeld**

I said them all out loud once before Bram took the marker from me and crossed out four choices out immediately.

 **~~Simon Spier~~ ** **Simon Spier-Greenfeld                       Simon Greenfeld-Spier ~~Simon Greenfeld~~**

 **~~Abraham Spier~~ ** **Abraham Spier-Greenfeld                 Abraham Greenfeld-Spier ~~Abraham Greenfeld~~**

I smiled at Bram and he blushed again. Such a cute boy. Bram went to speak but I kissed him instead and added some tongue and lip biting, knowing it would leave him speechless for a few seconds so I could tell him my thoughts before he told me his.

"B…for me, this marriage is about us joining together to become one, so I don't want either of us to have to take the other's last name or lose our original one. I agree with you."

Bram smiled. "I'm glad we're on the same wavelength."

It's strange, I didn't even think about the last name thing before today. I barely thought I would be able to find anyone to marry let alone it become an issue. But when I saw our names spelled out like this, it felt right that both of our last names were represented because it defined so much of who we were when we met, who we are, and who we will become.

The paper and I stared at each other while I mulled over the names in my mind. Bram enjoyed staring at me while I decided, commenting that I looked cute when I was thinking critically (apparently I don't do it a lot). After a few minutes, I made my decision. The sharpie smell filled the air as I circled it multiple times to show Bram I was serious. He got teary eyed and looked away from me.

"What is it?!" I said with compassion in my voice as I hugged him.

"It's the same one I picked…Simon, I've never met someone I've...we just understand each other. Like, I knew you'd pick the same one I did."

"I'm your other half, Bram…we found each other, in spite of Zeus himself!"

Bram laughed and he kissed me as he got on top of me and leaned me back onto the couch, knowing my parents wouldn't be home till the evening and no other people were expected.

 


	17. Moving (On) Day(s)

I was so deliriously love-drunk the rest of the semester that it flew by extremely quickly. My senior show that I had to write a character thesis for was Rosencrantz from Tom Stoppard’s _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead_. It’s a show about existentialism and was the hardest but most rewarding role I’ve had as an actor. Opposite of me as Guildenstern was none other than Ian. Bram came and saw the show and brought me a huge bouquet of flowers (as well as sleeves of Oreos, duh). Mom and Dad also came and they seemed shocked when I told them it was a comedy.

“I guess they are lost the entire time,” Dad replied. “That’s kinda funny I guess. Ya did good, kid.”

Since his and my schedules were much more flexible this semester, Bram and I were able to see each other once a month. In March, we met in New York and stayed with Abby and Nick. Rebecca was out of town (conveniently) and we were not able to meet her quite yet. We saw shows, caught up with Nick and Abby’s last and stressful semester, and did the cheesy touristy things you do in New York City. We were in Time Square and one person stopped Bram on the street, convinced he was a model, and wanted a picture with him. Bram was blushing the entire time as I laughed. When he was done taking pictures, he ran over to me, kissed me, and buried his face into my shoulder.

Then, just like that, finals were over. What seemed like the longest fall semester of college bled into the quickest spring semester and I was in an honest state of shock that it was already the end of May. I got an A- on my thesis of the character and I was all set for graduation. The other finals were walks in the park in comparison and I passed with flying colors. I was officially going to graduate college and Bram and I were officially going to be living together!

Leah and I decided to have a party the night before graduation, but at the last minute, Leah only wanted a few select people at the party because we had packed most of our things and she didn’t want to have to clean again. So it was me, Leah, and Ian sitting in our somewhat packed-up apartment with drinks the night before graduation. Since Leah first brought it up to me during Thanksgiving, we’ve never really talked about what Ian and she is. And since we were close to the end and I had a few drinks, my curiosity got the better of me.

“So, are you two going to make it work in New York?” I blurt out, thinking it sounded better in my head.

“We’ll see,” Leah said matter-o-factly. “We’re still feeling out what this is and what we want.”

“Yeah,” Ian added, “and since we’ll be in the same city there’s no hurt in taking it casual.”

Ian was moving to New York as well to give it a shot as well and it made me happy to know he was joining us as well. The fact he has some of the same connections I have for New York acting work gave him the same upper hand I gave Elijah of why it was a good idea to take his son and abscond to a very expensive city to live in if you’re an baby actor who just graduated from college. Leah, on the other hand, was offered a full-time position at BuzzFeed and she accepted but;

“Only until I find a decent job as a social worker or doing something where I am in a position to help people!” Leah clarified after finding out the news. “This will help me with the funds for our place.”

“So you two are living together?” I ask, jokingly as I sipped my beer.

“In separate bedrooms,” Leah clarified.

“Even though we’ll both usually be in one of them.” Ian said as him and I high-fived. Leah rolled her eyes.

“Wouldn’t it be more affordable to share a room and find a third roommate?” I offered.

“Mind your business, Spier.” Leah snapped back.

We all laughed as we reminisced about our years together at Yale. Coming up here without Leah by my side would have been an entirely different experience. I’m so glad she also decided to come to Yale. It got to the point of all of us talking about old stories from high school and how we’ve all changed. That brought us to Drunk Us to FaceTime Bram because Drunk Simon _loves_ Bram and Leah hadn’t seen him since April. After we all talked to Bram for a bit, Leah said she wanted to call Abby and Nick and started to call them. I kept Bram on and went to my room where the walls were bare and boxes laid everywhere and fell on my bed.

“Everything has been worth it.” I said to him, slurring only a little.

“What has?” he replied from his dimly lit room. He had his shirt off and I saw the strong pectoral muscles which made drunk me salivate.

“Us, together, up to this moment. I’m your person. I’m your Peanut!” I yelled.

Bram laughed adorably and put his face on his fist. “You’re the only person who’s made all of this easy, Si. Now? In three days it’ll be us, forever.”

I kiss smacked him dozens of times because I am so obsessed with my cute fiancé. My fiancé. I loved telling people at school I had a fiancé when I returned this semester and showed off my amazing ring. Their mouths dropped when I told them Dad made it and they’d look even closer a second time. Those who didn’t know Bram would ask to see a picture of us and I’d direct them to his Instagram page where he posted photos of him at the gym, him and Rhodes and Banger in various scenarios (mostly involving food and alcohol), and then him and me. Their mouths dropped again because Bram is gorgeous and he was mine.

“Remember,” he told me. “Your graduation starts at ten, but mine doesn’t start until noon, so FaceTime me when you get your diploma and when you can for pictures. I want to see everything.”

“And verse-visa….oops, I mean vice-versa!” I say laughing. Thank god Bram thinks I’m cute, cause I’m not being cute right now but he has love goggles on. “And you remember? After graduation? Engagement beards!”

“Yes, how could I forget?” Bram said through smiles.

We decided that after we graduate that we weren’t going to shave until the day before our wedding. And when I say we decided, I mean that Ian and I beat him and Leah in beer pong match and won a drunk bet. Sober Simon wasn’t as excited about it the next day, but I’ve never actually tried to grow facial hair so it will be fun to see what I can get. Bram had only let his beard grow to more of a scruffy face a few times, but I thought he was so ruggedly handsome that Drunk Simon must have wanted to see how a six-month beard would look.

“I love you,” I said to him, getting lost in his face even over the internet. Lost in the maze of our love.

He kissed the camera and smiled, “I love you, too. Now go back and have fun with Ian and Leah!”

“Yes, sir,” I salute. Before I leave I kissed the screen some more until I hung up. The phone fell on my chest and I laid in bed, reflecting on the year. How I’ve laid in this bed since the beginning of the semester and how that all felt like it was last week, how the proposal still felt like it happened yesterday, and now we’re already done with college. Love has a way of making time fly and stand still.

The most prominent memory that always sits closely behind my eyes is when Cute Bram Greenfeld stopped the ferris wheel and asked ‘Can I sit there?,’ then proceeded to kiss me for the first time, my pent-up feelings poured out of my lips on to his. It was my first kiss in my entire life and I can still taste him that night, resigning onto each other, taking the big risk and step of being vulnerable to only have it pay off into our now five-year relationship that has only become stronger.

Nostalgia is both a helpful and hurtful tool in our arsenal. I’ll always have those memories of us, but I don’t want to dwell on them because I’m so looking forward to building new ones. I think that was my biggest problem up to this year: I kept living in past, wanting to relive those feelings, scared I wouldn’t feel the same way. It wasn’t till I was ready to propose that I finally started to move forward and I saw that those memories are strong and meaningful, but the point of life is to add strong memories like books in your personal library. Bram helped me do that because Bram helps me realize everything now.

I went downstairs and Leah and Ian danced together with Abby and Nick FaceTiming in her hand and I smiled. A forgettable, but danceable pop song played as they all laughed all around our empty living room. These are the new memories I have to start creating. I can keep my fingers on the pulse of the defining memories of the past, but being active in the present for future Simon and Bram and Leah and everyone else to reflect upon happily. I jump in the dance party and the rest of the night turned into a beautiful memory Leah, Ian and I will share forever.

We all woke up with a slight hang over in our empty living room on pillows and blankets and rushed to get ready for graduation. Mom, Dad, and Nora came up to see me off, but Alice was unfortunately stuck at work across the country. After all of us rushing through showers and drinking water, we walked to Old Campus where thousands of chairs were set up along with a stage. Mom and Dad waived at us once they noticed us entering. Leah split to sit with her sociology graduates as Ian and I sat with the fine arts graduates.

The speaker went on and on but I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about last night, I was thinking about my future. All of our futures. In the sea of mortarboards, I saw wedding guests and on stage I saw Bram and I. I saw people standing on my side and Bram’s side. I saw all of the possibilities New York offered all of us. And it didn’t fill me with sadness like it could have, it filled me with warm hope. The same feeling I get from looking at Bram.

And just like that, we officially had our diplomas and were official graduates from Yale. We all met following the ceremony for pictures with Leah and Ian’s families. After about eleven hundred pictures, all the families went to an early dinner together. All of the parents were a little quiet because I think they finally understood that tomorrow we were all moving to New York, their baby birds are beginning to fly. It was the quietest dinner we’ve had in some time.

Once dinner ended, the parents retired to the hotel as they were going to meet us tomorrow morning to help back the moving truck. Us graduates, however, went to our planned graduation parties. Leah went to her sociology friend’s house whereas Ian and I ended up at a house party in an underclassman’s house.

The thing about Ian and I when we get a little alcohol in us and Leah isn’t around to reign us in, we encourage each other up in an artistic, creative, loud way. You wouldn’t know this by looking at him, but Ian played the piano masterfully through a lifetime of lessons from his mother who is a music teacher. So we often found ourselves singing songs at a piano at a party especially after a few drinks. We loved doing it, the underclassmen loved hearing it, and everyone had a good time.

After some drinking games and Ian and I destroying people in beer pong (I’ve gotten better since the beginning of the year), we stepped down and went into the sitting room in the house. Some of the underclassman, for ‘last hurrah’ sake, wanted us to sing a final song. It was later and the perfect time before people started falling asleep and going home. Ian had an arsenal of choices in his back pocket and began playing a very apropos selection. When the familiar tune echoed through the apartment, I smiled at Ian and he returned a smile with a wink. Watching Ian play was very engaging as he become one with the piano and the music flew out of him. He nodded at me to start.

“When you’re weary, feeling small  
when tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all”

The party noise died down and people started to listen. Nostalgia began its affect and people started to hug each other as I finished the verse to Ian’s masterful playing. I needed to remind myself to talk to Ian about a possible Simon and Garfunkel duo project we can do in New York. Most of these people looking at Ian and I were our classmates and the song was already taking its affect on them. Ian played the bridge to the next verse and he started to sing.

“When you're down and out  
when you're on the street  
when evening falls so hard  
I will comfort you”

I could only think of Bram and how he was my bridge over troubled waters. The solid bridge that kept us together and on track and allowed our love to become even stronger. How he, not even trying, strengthened me as a man, a friend, and most importantly as his fiancé. Ian looked at me, tears forming in his eyes, as he knew the power of this timeless folk song and we finished the last verse together, in harmony, and he nodded me.

“Sail on silver girl, sail on by  
Your time has come to shine  
All your dreams are on their way  
See how they shine  
Oh, if you need a friend  
I'm sailing right behind”

Ian stopped singing and focused on the piano as his movements became more in sync with the power of the melody and lyrics. People didn’t give Ian enough credit as an artist as everyone got more and more into song because of his playing. The party evolved into people dancing slowly with another, crying because they’ll miss each other, and kissing for the same reason. My thoughts were still on Bram, but now on Leah and Ian because they were both a part of the bridge of these last four years. How they’re both going to be there with us, in New York. Sailing right behind, going after our dreams and being there for a marrying the man of mine.

“Like a bridge over troubled water  
I will ease your mind”

The last line of the song is when Art goes up the octave and sustains the last note. I wanted to make sure to hit these notes. This almost felt more nerve-wracking than finals and Ian was transformed into an artistic machine playing the piano passionately.  
  
“Like a _bridge_ over troubled water  
I will ease your _mi-i-i-nd_ ”

Ian finished playing the song and was stared at me, a tear streaked down his face. I think this is when it hit the graduates that this is it for college and now we’re moving on to the next step of our lives. When he finished the last trills of the piano keys, he stood up and we hugged, hard, Ian-Bear-Hug style.

“I love you, dude,” Ian said quietly in my ear as he hugged me tighter. It caused me to tear up too.

“I love you too, dude.”

You don’t really realize the impact people have on your life or how you impacted theirs until you’re about to leave one another. We were in an Ian bear hug, but it felt even deeper. College friends are some of the most life-lasting relationships you’ll maintain. People started to trickle out as Leah arrived and we were still playing songs at the piano and overstaying out welcome. Leah just smiled and watched us play and drink and it was, again, such beautiful memory for us to share.

The next day was bitter sweet and came quickly as Dad woke me from his phone call. The dads of Leah, Ian, and I were over bright and early to help us load the moving truck that we all rented to get to New York. It didn’t take as long as it could have because Bram made sure I stuck to a schedule of packing and I had our stuff pretty much in boxes, taped up and labeled, ready for the truck. He also ensured we packed Leah and Ian’s stuff first and mine last to ensure efficiency when we got to the city. Bram and all of his wonderful ideas.

It took about two hours, but everything was packed up from our apartment. It was just after nine in the morning and the apartment was bare. It seemed smaller without all of our stuff now and I smiled at the place we had to spackle over when Ian’s elbow hit the wall. Leah and I walked around to ensure on final time that we didn’t miss anything. Ian walked out to finalize the moving truck and Lean and I left our keys in the kitchen as instructed by our landlord. I set my key on the counter and turned to Leah who looked like she was about to cry.

“Leah,” I said warmly.

“I’m sorry,” she started, covering her mouth. “This apartment meant to much to us and now it’ll be open for some other suckers. Ian was right, I wish we could retire apartments like jerseys.”

I smiled at her and we hugged in the kitchen. A lot of memories were made here and it’s always different when you begin your senior year and are looking for college to be over. But when that moment comes, it’s shocking to lose the comfortable womb that college created. We’re messy and crying and unsure of the new world around us, but that’s when you hold the people you love.

“I’m going to miss this place too, Leah. You’re the best roommate I could have asked for. And now that’s ending. And now we’re going to live with boys!”

She laughed at my Friends reference and we hugged again.

“Nothing is ending though,” I continued and looked at her in her eyes. “We’re just starting the next chapter.”

Leah smiled and nodded her head as we wandered to our rooms to do one final sweep there. I peaked my head in the closet and noticed some words on the inside wall of the closet. I turned my phone flashlight on and illuminated names all around the inside panel of the closet. They were the names of the people and the years in this bedroom, the earliest looking to start in 2003. I pulled a sharpie out of my pocket and added;

**Simon Spier + Bram Greenfeld  
2016 – 2019**

I yelled for Leah and she looked into the closet. We rushed to her room and, lo and behold, names in sharpie. She added her name with the same years and smiled wildly.

“Now the apartment won’t forget us.” She said. I gave her a moment in her room and when she was done she set her key on the kitchen counter and walked out the front door.

Ian locked the back as we hugged our parents and said our goodbyes. Once Mom finally let me go, we pulled away in the moving truck. I’m driving, Leah is in the middle, and Ian is on the passenger side with the window down strumming a guitar. My phone led us to the interstate and we started our journey to our new city. We all sung different songs, played road trip games, and talked about what we wanted to do first in New York once we’re all settled.

“I think it’s obvious we have to see at least one Broadway show within the first week,” I demand.

“I mean I guess,” Leah said. “I wouldn’t mind being touristy for the first week, I think none of our jobs kick in until next week anyway, right?”

“Sure, sure, but most importantly, Si,” Ian started. “The wedding; you have to be able to tell us _now_ if you’ve picked a Best Man.”

“Or Best _Person_ ,” Leah stressed. Ian scoffed, confident the role was his.

I bit my lip and smiled. “Bram and I _have_ talked and after careful consideration we have made a decision.”

“Well holy crap, Si, why wouldn’t you let us know??” Ian exclaimed.

“Yeah, spill it Spier,” Leah said.

“We will when we’re together ya nerds.” I replied smiling.

This started long speeches from both Ian and Leah on why they would be the better choice for being my Best Person. As fun as it was to hear them talk about this, Bram and I had a totally different idea of how we wanted our wedding to look and operate. I decided he gets to tell them as they both would be less likely to hold a grudge against him. Right?

Before we knew it, we hit the traffic of the city. Bram found us a very cute one bedroom apartment that wasn’t, surprisingly, just a closet in neighborhood known as Bushwick. Leah and Ian followed suit and found a (small) two-bedroom apartment only eight blocks away from our place. It was a bit more spendy, but Leah was making that BuzzFeed money.

We navigated the streets and found the apartment. Bram was outside and flagged us down in front of a gorgeous four-story brick apartment building. I threw the truck in park and I jumped into Bram’s arms. He caught me with his arms and lips as I laid a huge kiss on him. It took constant coughing from Leah to break the spell of kissing and Bram set me on the ground as he hugged her. Ian followed my suit and jumped into Bram’s arms but only hugged him.

That was last week and we are all moved in to our apartments. Bram’s work at the Baltimore station paid off and he started his new job at a local station on Monday. I arranged an odd job set up at a theatre company through one of my Yale professors as well as Abby arranged me to work part time as a box office attendant at a theatre she’s commissioned many costumes. It’s a start, I hope to really grind on auditions and hit the ground running.

It’s Saturday night and we are all at Leah and Ian’s for their house warming party. With some pointers from Bram, they really brought their style together with such juxtaposing tastes. It was, after four years, the whole Shady Creek gang is back together. Abby, Nick, and Rebecca came and we were all finally introduced to Rebecca. Pretty sure Abby and Nick were worried about our strong personalities, but Rebecca was able to keep up. Nick and Ian gelled almost immediately and Rebecca talked to us about her writing career and that connected her and Bram right away. Your friend family is such an important part of you life and mine just added two new wonderful people.

After some drinks, GrubHub, and laughter, Bram winked at me and we shifted the conversation to our wedding.

“So Simon and I wanted to let you guys know a few things we decided about our wedding. I can’t believe it’s only eight months away.” He looked back at me and kissed me to the puke sounds of Leah and Ian. Bram laughed and calmed them with his gorgeous smile before he continued. “First, we’re having a joint bachelor party here in New York.”

Ian jumped up and cheered as he high-fived me. Abby clapped and Nick pumped his arm.

“Garrett and my college friends Rhodes and Nick will be coming too as they’re other people in the wedding party. I’m sure you remember them from the proposal, they’re just as wild and crazy as you guys.”

Once Ian heard that part, he got uncharacteristically quiet. “Who’s planning the bachelor parties? You need a best person to do that!”

Leave it to Ian to care the most about showing us a good time.

“That kind of brings us to the next announcement,” Bram said to the group. “Si and I got to talking and…because there was no way either of us could choose just one person each to be our best person, we decided to make everyone the best people.”

“Oh kick ASS!” Ian yelled. “Rhodes, Nick and I will make sure to give you guys the party of a lifetime! I’m going to need their phone numbers and estimated drinks it takes them to black out from.”

Bram laughed, “I’ll make sure to get that. You all are our best people, but one of you will have an additional role in our wedding, if she’ll take it.”

I smiled at Bram as he knelt down to Leah and took her hand. It, for some reason, made me teary eyed.

“Leah, if it wasn’t for your friendship with Simon since you were kids, through high school, and through college, if you hadn’t been such a support for me as well, Si and I may not be here, as strong as we are, if not for you. Through your love and compassion to both of us, we would be honored if you officiated our wedding.”

Leah froze up as Abby’s mouth dropped in a surprised smile. We were thinking of who would officiate and I couldn’t think of anyone more perfect to officiate. She helped us before she knew who Blue was, she stood by me through everything, and she took my relationship with Bram as serious as I did. Leah is my best friend and at the end of the day, she was the only logical choice. She stood up and we all hugged each other.

“Of course I’ll officiate.” Leah replied, smiling back tears. She became an online ordained minister the next day.

My experience in New York was wonderful because I was lucky enough to be not only surrounded by my friends, but I woke up everyday next the man of my dreams. I woke up naturally early every morning and couldn’t help but stare at Bram sleeping peacefully next to me. I gently kissed his cheek until a smile grew on his face, either subconsciously or because he woke. He would turn slightly to face me and wrap his arms around me as we kissed. Like clockwork, he would pull back from my face and cover his mouth.

“Oh my god, I probably have terrible morning breath.” He pinched his mouth shut. I kissed his lips still until he relaxed them and we returned to kissing. Then I would pull back and tell him;

“I love your morning breath.” I told him, smiling.

“You’re the best alarm clock,” He replied between kisses.

The rest of that year flew by. I think I was love drunk still from Bram and Leah and Abby and Nick and Ian. We would make an effort to all see each other at least once a week in person. Some Fridays us Brooklyn residents would go to Manhattan to meet Abby and Nick, the other Fridays they’d come to us. I thought that I had so much fun in college, but all of the fun conversations and stupid antics we’d find ourselves in and captured by Instagram made the toughness of New York City all that much easier.

Bram’s engagement beard was so rugged and sexy and mine…well, you could tell an attempt was made. It seemed facial hair didn’t like me too much and I could only grow it in patches. He gave me an out if I wanted to shave and I did so I could remain looking my age instead of a thirteen year old trying to grow facial hair for the first time.

The screen time and news reports Bram had in Baltimore helped his resume, but he started in the newsroom of a local station. They told him it was temporary until he became more confident and gathered more experience. Since social media was his specialty at the previous station, he did similar duties in New York and quickly made that station’s social media account the most followed of the local stations. This would lead to him eventually earning two on-air reporting stories a week, a move that made him have to trim his engagement beard. One story was so well received that he was contacted by both _The New York Times_ and _The New Yorker_ to be a regular contributor on social media and social justice issues and their affect on journalism in the social media age. His step into the journalism world had begun.

Abby, with both her NYU and Julliard connections, continued to be contracted to commission work for former students, school shows, and the theatres that hired her while she was still in school. It eventually led her to be able to design the costumes for an off-Broadway revival of _A Chorus Line_. Her modern designs that were still set in traditional builds always attracted the attention of theatres (and is why the tuxedos she designed and tailored for us turned out so well). Great to work with and quickly becoming the standard to-be costume designer and would never be short of work in her future.

Nick graduated Julliard having already written songs for somewhat well known artists in New York City who he knew from school. This gave him some fame on social media as artists began to post pictures and tag him as their songwriter and even on some as a producer. Working with many talented producers from Julliard, Nick found that he really enjoyed working with musicians that came with an idea and a sound and he would help perfect from his composing background. It all came together three months after Bram and I’s wedding when he co-produced an album with and up and coming R&B artist based in New York. The album was a wild success and Nick blew up on social media and soon was known only as Eisner. He became a hot commodity, but he always kept his promise and we still see him once a week, he just sometimes brings us to the studio or to parties with label executives and artists. New artists are contacting him daily and it looks like a great start into a popular career.

Leah didn’t lie when she said she wouldn’t stay at BuzzFeed too long. Now being able to focus entirely on social issues and their affect on the current generation, she wrote many articles lambasting treatment of all minority groups in our current political climate from individual politicians to entire companies. Because of these articles and lengths of investigation she took, she was also contacted by _The New York Times_ to be interviewed on story she wrote for BuzzFeed regarding current immigration issues. Both of these stories caught the attention of the American Civil Liberties Union and shortly after the articles were published, she left BuzzFeed to work for the ACLU as an online contributor for their Blog and an entry-level position where she worked hand-in-hand with lawyers to protect the rights of all people in America.

Ian worked with me at the theatres but also scored a waiter gig at a high priced restaurant. This allowed him to work only on Saturday and Sundays and he made bank. The rest of the week he was constantly grinding on auditions and it paid off. He landed a role in the star-studded revival of the epic _Angels in America_ as Prior Walter and was reviewed as an immediate rising star. This led him into constant role offers for other Broadway and Off-Broadway plays and he was able to pick and choose the plays he wanted to do. In spite of all his success, however, he never forgot his friends either and he always made time to come kick my butt at beer pong.

As for me, my work at the theatres helped me earn some money between odd jobs and auditions. I got small off-off Broadway work and met some incredible people. Abby also scored me some auditions with union shows at the theatres she worked at because they all loved her so much and it worked. I was awarded an ensemble role on a four-month run of _The Rocky Horror Show_ that evolved me into play the character of Riff-Raff starting the third month of the run. It closed in early December. Then, about two months after the wedding, I lucked out extremely hard when the current lead of the wildly popular _The Book of Mormon_ musical decided to step down and move to Los Angeles to pursue a film career. Elder Price auditions were the most intense and nerve-wracking I have ever been a part of because I have never wanted a part more in my life. And I got it. I had a year contract as Elder Price on Broadway and my parents came to the show at least once every few months. It was a surreal experience I still haven’t totally come to terms with myself, but I thank the universe everyday for my luck (and talent, that audition was hard).

As pretty unbelievable as it all sounds (I had to remind myself everyday), it’s true. You may think it’s far fetched, but people achieve their dreams everyday, why can’t one of them be me? Or Bram? Or Nick? Or Ian? I think success is driven not only by your own determination, talent, and discipline, but also from the people you surround yourself with. Friends can unlock potential in you that you never really saw yourself and that can catapult you into a world of success. My friends are my fuel. Bram is my fuel and soon we’ll be able to call each other husband.


	18. Bachelier Fête Pour Deux

“It doesn’t matter where it is,” Bram said to me as he played with my hair. I was lying on his chest on a warm Saturday morning in July. Our air conditioner was on the fritz and our repairman wasn’t coming until later this afternoon. Despite the heat, we craved each other’s skin. My hands gripped his shoulders as he moved me up and down with his breath. “As long as we get married, that’s all I care about.”

Bram and I narrowed our desired places to three different locations and each needed a deposit payment by tomorrow to officially reserve the space: the first is a Presbyterian church or temple, the second was a large house Dad offered to rent for the day with a spacious back yard, and the third was Elijah’s cabin on Lake Lanier (no deposit required obviously).

The wedding was for sure happening in Shady Creek because not only were most of the invited guests around the South, but it seemed like the only right place for our wedding. That said, we were always up in the air with where to physically host the wedding due to various factors. Dad was our liaison and he needed an answer soon.

Small droplets of sweat appeared on Bram’s skin and I rubbed it away with my finger. I blew on his skin to help try to cool him off and he responded with goose bumps. Not sure if that was because he was cold or because he was aroused.

“When you pictured our wedding,” I started, tracing his abs with my finger. “Were we in a church or temple?”

Bram thought a moment. “I don’t think so. My thoughts tended to drift to you and I kissing for the first time as husbands.” He felt him smile as I did as well. “The traditional temple or church is nice and all, but our relationship is not only not traditional, but it didn’t even begin in a traditional way. I like the idea of it, but I don’t think a religious location screams us, even if they are accepting to gay couples.”

“I agree,” I confirmed, kissing his chest. Heat rose from his skin as his heart beat intensified. I knew it did because my ear was against his pectoral and I heard the blood pump through his veins.

“So either the cabin or the large rental.” Bram pondered, turning his body to mine and our lips touch. It was a gloomy grey Saturday morning, but any day with Bram is sunny. I felt sweat at the base of my hair as he ran his fingers through it, but didn’t mind it was sweaty. Bram could be covered in slime and I would still need, no, _have_ to touch him. His leg moved onto my hip as he wrapped himself around me and our torsos brushed against one another, creating heat between us.

“I like the cabin,” I told his chin as my lips rubbed against them. I remembered our first time there the summer before our first year of college. Bram and I laid on the dock after we ditched the gang and just enjoyed each other’s presence like we’re doing now. “It’s a beautiful space, there is plenty of room for the ceremony, plus there’s the lake which will be beautiful for pictures...” I trailed off and looked at Bram who smiled wide. “But it will also be January…won’t it be too cold to have an outdoor wedding?”

“It’s Georgia. Compared to New York or Baltimore, it will be a walk in the park. If you want the cabin, we will make the cabin work.” Bram told my forehead as he kissed me, his hands investigating my back.

Bram brought us back to high school to propose because it’s where we met and fell in love. I want to bring us to the cabin because it’s where I think I started having the pangs of eternal love for him. If you have a theme, you may as well follow it.

I squeezed him. “I want the cabin,” I whispered and followed it up with a kiss against his ear.

“The cabin it is.” He replied, eyes closed, breathing heavily. I could now feel his heart rate increase from his pulse and I saw the effect my kisses had on his lower half. “I love you.” He planted a kiss on my forehead and my cheeks and ended with my lips.

“I love you more.”

Anytime we spoke about our wedding, nine times out of ten it led into sex and today was no different. In fact, the heat made it even more passionate. About a half-hour later, we finished and I went to the kitchen to make us breakfast.

Autumn moved quickly for all of us, we worked hard and played hard, but that meant we also didn’t get to see each other as much as we wanted. That changed when we finally reached early December and it was time for our joint bachelor party.

The wedding was just two months away at this point and everything was falling into place. Bram and I were finalizing rentals with the companies or with Mom and Dad who, again, helped us plan everything. I was worred at first that this would a very stressful time, but not only has it not been stressful, I’ve actually looked forward to hearing from the contacts about the details of our wedding. I know I was probably still coasting off of Love-Drunk Simon from the proposal, but I think Bram was too. Wait until we get to the legitimate honeymoon phase after we’re married. We’ll probably just get more annoyingly cute to all of our friends.

Our official wedding party consisted of Leah, Ian, Abby, Nick, Garrett, Rhodes, and Bram’s Nick. Bram and I decided early on we all wanted everyone in suits, so the bachelor party weekend also included a fitting at one of Abby’s friend’s shop in Midtown. The suits were grey with baby blue ties to compliment the suits Abby finished making for Bram and I. Abby’s personality always gave her the best contacts, and in this case, she knew her friend would give us a huge discount on renting. She’s the type of person who can always say ‘Don’t worry, I know a girl.’ Good ‘ol reliable Abigail.

And when I said suits for everyone, we meant suits for everyone. Leah and Abby went into the dressing room together to be fitted for theirs as well and when they stepped out, we all lost it. Abby served us Janelle Monae during her GQ photo shoot and Leah served chic Melissa McCarthy realness as her brown hair flowed onto her shoulders.

“You both look amazing! How do you guys feel?” I asked.

“Fucking. STUNNING!” Leah cried out.

The rest of the weekend was filled with Ian, Nick, and Garrett’s amazingly planned bachelor party events. Our first stop was at Chelsea Piers where Ian arranged us to play all sorts of fun games. Waiting for us at our private room were jerseys that Ian made for the bachelor party.

The front said ‘ _The only B.S. we care about: Bram & Simon_.’ The backs were all personalized with our last names, all our best people were number ‘2’s and Bram and I were number ‘1’s.

“I didn’t know what your last names are going to be, so I kept your originals even though I _know_ that Leah _knows_ and just won’t _tell_ me.” Ian said grumpily.

“You will find out soon,” Bram said to Ian as he hugged him. Ian reciprocated by bear hugging him back.

“That’s about the nicest I’ll be right now because it’s on baby!” Ian went on to pick Bram up and jostle him around.

We all threw our jerseys on and the first game was, of course, soccer. It was groom verses groom and it was pretty well balanced for the legitimate soccer players on each side: Ian, Nick, Abby, and me verses Bram, Garrett, Rhodes, and his Nick.

It was so fun watching Bram work the ball around with his feet and play from the sidelines, but damn that boy can move quickly. Soon, it evolved into the guys who played soccer playing as Abby, B’s Nick, and I fell back and watched the athletes work. Ian, of course, was not having this as he pulled us back on the field.

After Bram _definitely_ let my team win, we played dodge ball, pedestal jousted with the huge cushioned poles, and finished with hitting golf balls at their range. Ian looked at his watch and we all piled into a limo waiting for us outside. Ian got us a limo. These guys went all out. There was champagne and we all toasted as the driver took us to the next destination.

New York was a completely different city if you were in a limo. Instead of strangers on the street shouldering past you to get to their destination, people assumed we were celebrities and took pictures of us as Bram, Ian, and I hung out the top of the sunroof. By the time we arrived at our destination, we all finished the champagne.

The guys got us a table at The Press Lounge where we took many Instagramable pictures as we enjoyed more drinks. Normally we wouldn’t be allowed in with the jerseys, but they made an exception for us because apparently Leah knows some people here. And it was a bachelor party.

It was still fairly early in the evening so I wanted to be sure I didn’t drink too much because I wanted to remember tonight. Leah waved at one of the bartenders and went over to speak to her while we played Never Have I Ever (because apparently we still like college drinking games). When Leah returned, she brought over a tray of shots of tequila.

“Leah! You didn’t have to do that!” Bram exclaimed, more so because he was speaking on behalf of his liver.

“I didn’t,” she replied. “These were free.”

“What? How?” I asked as we passed the shot glasses and limes around the table.

“What’s the point of working at BuzzFeed if you can’t use your connections?” Leah explained as she licked her hand and put salt on it.

“Le Burke for the shot win!” Ian yelled

We all took our shots and bit the limes and the chilled alcohol moved down my throat. I winced as tequila is the hardest liquor to drink for me (because it’s the easiest to make me black out), but Bram kissed me and it became a little easier. Rhodes, Garrett, Nick, and Bram were in their own conversation about soccer and college as Abby, Nick, Ian, and I were talking about shows and projects we wanted to do in the future. Finally, I noticed a break in their conversation and I turned my attention to my fiancé.

“Hi,” Bram said smoothly.

“Hi gorgeous,” I replied as a grin grew on my face.

“They’re off to a good start with the bachelor party, they must like you a lot,” Bram started as he eyed me up and down. “I like you a lot too.”

“Well that’s good,” I said to him. “It makes this arranged marriage easier to swallow.”

Bram laughed the laugh he made when I said something stupid but he couldn’t help himself. He kissed me and Ian let us know the limo was ready downstairs to move us to the next stop on our itinerary.

The limo didn’t take us far and we stepped out of it into a cigar lounge (Nick’s idea because he wanted us to try to be classy).

“Do we have to smoke?” Leah asked, scoffing at the sign outside.

“No, but hey, if you’re going to try a cigar, what better people and reason to do it?”

We walked inside and all decided to try a cigar, but only Ian and I really enjoyed it. Everyone else looked queasy and had the ‘I’ve made a horrible mistake’ expression on their face (including Nick). We also had drinks (Ian, Nick and I ordered scotch), so we had to get super classy pictures together. We let our server know we were here for a bachelor party to see if we couldn’t get anything special and she mistook Ian and I for getting married.

“Actually,” Ian replied, putting his arm around me. “This stud is marrying that dude.” He pointed at Bram who waived at the server. “I’m the Best Person.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I just thought that since,” she motioned at Ian’s arm around me.

“Thought that guys can’t be friends and show affection without being labeled as gay?” Ian defended, puffing his cigar, pulling me closer to him.

“No! No, I just thought…,” she started.

“It’s okay, I just wasn’t blessed by the good Lord with an attraction to men, so he made us best buds instead.”

“Of course,” the server responded as she left with her tail between her legs. A big smile appeared on Ian’s face.

We all laughed and (Ian and I) finished our cigars and left (with a discounted bill from our server’s apparent guilt. God Bless Ian). The limo headed to our late dinner reservations at Keen’s Steakhouse. We walked past all the standard tables and we had a private room where there was a table for all of us as well as a piano.

“A piano, Ian?” Leah said, actually shocked he accomplished this task.

“Hey this was Garrett’s doing!” Ian said pointing at Garrett to the surprise of the entire group.

“What? Simon and Ian have voices. We can all sing and Ian can play until the steaks are done. Private karaoke and steaks are the best combination, right?!”

There was already wine at the table and we all partook in a glass as Ian played some songs as everyone would sing along. We even got the server in on a song or two. As we ordered, Ian made Bram and me get steaks which we were both okay with. After more wine and singing (even by Leah!), the food came and Ian played soft dinner music as he at his steak from the piano.

“I have to maintain the ambiance!” Ian replied after I told him to join us at the table. The server was a little weary of him eating a steak off of the piano, but Ian played so well they opened our door a crack so the tables near our room could hear it.

Once dinner was over, Ian made a phone call and spoke with our server. When he returned, he asked us if we were all ready to head to the next place.

“What about the bill?” I asked him.

“Oh that!” Ian said waiving us away. “I was supposed to give you a message from your mom, Bram. She said ‘dinner is on me tonight, you boys be good, and I love you both. Then you can ad-lib and say something nice Ian.’”

“Thanks Mom,” Bram said with a smile. I kissed his cheek and we all took our mints and headed outside.

We walked back into the limo where a new bottle of champagne sat and Bram and I were starting to get a little drunk. Bram got in after me, but no one else followed.

“So we wanted to give you two a little alone time. The next place isn’t far and we’re going to walk it. The driver knows where to go.” Ian explained.

“Plus,” Nick added. “We gotta walk off these steaks so I can digest it for more drinks later. We’ll see you shortly!”

Ian shut the door and the limo pulled off as the driver put up the divider. I looked at Bram and we both had slightly drunk eyes as he scooted over next to me and we kissed.

“This is so romantic,” I told Bram. “We didn’t even do this for Prom!”

“I wanted to, but I liked what we did instead.” He responded, pouring us flutes of champagne.

“My old ass car getting us there?” I said sarcastically.

“Yep!” Bram laughed. “It was our pumpkin that turned into a horse-drawn carriage.” He licked his lips. “It was one of the best nights of my life. And I only say ‘was’ because right now the best night of my life was when we proposed. But I know that will be dethroned soon in a few months when we get married.”

His eyes looked irresistible as he looked at me up and down slowly, sensually. I leaned in to kiss his moist, big lips. They were cold from the champagne but it sent warmth through my body. My hand found his cheek and he brought his hand on top of mine to hold it there as we kissed. We fell back into the warm floating place our kisses brought us and the rest of the world was silent and the only thing we heard were our breaths as we exchanged kisses and massaged tongues. I pulled back and Bram sat there smiling and I sipped my champagne.

“Tonight has been wonderful.” I told him. “We’re so lucky to have our friends.”

“I’m lucky to have you, Simon.” Bram said, a little drunkenly. “I love you. I loved you since I first saw you. And I’ll never stop loving you. Love at first sight I thought was only for stories, but you have turned out to be fairy tale come true.”

I kissed him deeply again as our cold champagne lips warmed each other’s. Then I leaned back and said;

“Who you callin’ fairy?!”

He laughed and pushed me away as we finished our champagne. About ten minutes later the driver stopped and opened the door to the outside of a popular gay bar known for dancing. The rest of the gang was already inside and we joined them to start movin’ and groovin’. Ian had drinks waiting for us and we clutched them as I pulled Bram into me.

We’re a little drunk at this point so Bram and I danced unapologetically close. Our legs straddled each other’s and we could feel each other against our legs. Bram bit his lip and I knew what he wanted tonight and I was going to give it to him (even if we had three dudes sleeping in our living room).

Ian kept telling people it was our Bachelor party so we had numerous people buying our group shots because Bram is attractive as hell and so am I when I’m with him. The DJ even gave us a shout out and we had a little dance off in the middle of the club. It was honestly the most fun I’ve had a gay bar.

After an hour or so of dancing and more alcohol, we called it quits as we left the bar. The limo was waiting for us again. This time, instead of just champagne waiting, there was also pizza! We all devoured it on the way back to Leah and Ian’s apartment as we laughed and talked about how perfect tonight was for all of us.

“To Simon and Bram!” Nick said drunkenly as he raised a champagne flute. We all followed suit and raised and clinked them together. As we sipped, Nick continued. “You both are my best friends and your relationship makes me so happy and I think I am speaking for everyone in this limo when I say that we love you two so much and we’re so unbelievably happy that you’ll be married soon. No one deserves each other like you two do.”

“Here-here!” Garrett shouted as he raised the glasses again and we sipped. “I was with Bram since the beginning of his journey to Simon and I know some things that Bram probably hasn’t told you about.” He laughed as Bram shot him a glare. “But what I mean by that is if I find someone in my life that loves me a fraction of the amount that Bram loves you, Simon, I’ll have a wonderful relationship.”

Bram and I shared a kiss as everyone in the limo cheered us. We arrived at Leah and Ian’s and we were about to get out when Leah stopped us.

“The driver is going to take you to your apartment. The boys will stay with us tonight, slumber party style.”

“Are you sure?” I asked Leah, trying to sound nice so that Bram and I can go home and do what we’ve wanted to do since The Press Lounge. Bram gripped my inner thigh.

“Come on, Spier. I’m not going to cock-block you on your bachelor party night! We’ll see you two love birds tomorrow.”

She shut the door and the driver took us the few blocks to our apartment. It took all the energy both of us had not to start in the back of the limo. When he dropped us off, we rushed upstairs, kicked off our shoes, and took off our clothes to be sure Leah’s sacrifice wasn’t in vain.


	19. Invitation




	20. Going to Get Married, Part I

I woke to Bram’s arm wrapping around my torso to pull me closer. It was the Friday before the wedding and we stayed the night at the cabin. Elijah wanted us there as well so we could ensure everything was in good shape since he rarely uses it during the winter. We arrived last night and, thankfully, didn’t have too much on our plate.

Bram is particularly proficient with tools as Elijah taught him many things about fixing things around the house. Elijah’s father taught Elijah the same way (‘Why the hell would you call a plumber when you can fix the damn thing yourself?’ Elijah would gruff).

After he repaired the faucet in the kitchen and fixed the flusher on the toilet, we were finished with any necessary modifications. Little work made for quick hands and it didn’t take long for us, with the thrill of our nuptials this weekend burning, to go to Bram’s room at the cabin and do what came naturally. It didn’t help that this year we celebrated the holidays in New York so we could take the time off for this weekend. When your friends are gone but you and you boyfriend are stuck in the house during a blizzard, what else is there to do? Needless to say, we were in the recent habit of having sex about twice a day. Neither of us were complaining.

Dad and Elijah are coming this evening after work to finish the pergola under which Leah would marry Bram and I. Another reason we were here all day Friday was to accept deliveries of items for the wedding. The only project they tasked us with was to build dance floor. Elijah and Dad had stacks of pallets that they found across the city and have stock piled over the last few months. It was our job to connect them into a large square and then lay sheets of plywood on top. They both stressed how important it was to both of our mothers that we make sturdy because both were looking forward to the mother-son dance at the reception.

A soft kiss landed on my cheek and Bram whispered in my ear. “Let’s get started early so we have most of the day to relax before everybody gets here.”

It was hard to listen to him when he was spooning me about moving his body away from mine, but he was right. Bram got out of bed and I rolled over to watch him walk to the bathroom naked. His tukhus looked amazing (and I swear it’s getting bigger) as he ambled away in the early morning light. He must have felt me staring because he stopped and turned around.

“You’re staring at my butt, aren’t you?”

“I think it’s my right as your fiancé,” I answered. “But I don’t mind this view either.”

But Bram knew what he was doing as his well-endowed, chiseled self faced me.

“Hmmm, you’re right,” Bram answered coyly. He walked back to the bed, crawled to me and laid another kiss upon my lips. “I know that shower is big enough for both of us.”

That was all it took. Most of the wedding party was also coming out today to help us prepare for the wedding and they could come at any moment. Bram and I were simply soaking up all the alone time we had left together before they get here.

I was finished in the shower first and jumped out. Instinctually, I walked directly to the kitchen to begin making breakfast. Since we’ve moved in together, I found myself cooking almost every morning because it’s a way I can show Bram how much I love him. Bram came out of the bathroom in a towel and stared at me, bug eyed.

“Look at that big sausage.”

“I’m cooking…oh god.” I said, understanding where his mind was.

“You’re cooking naked?” He asked, seeing my bare side at the stove.

“I like taking risks,” I joked back at him.

“Aren’t you afraid?”

“No way,” I retorted. “Except I am _baking_ the bacon this morning.”

He snickered and came over. We kissed as the sound of crackling bacon came from the oven and the smell of butter filled the air. The cabin was a comfortable seventy degrees on this cool January morning. His lips overpowered my ability to control my heartbeat as it pulsed through my body to a certain appendage and he noticed.

“Already ready for round two? So much stamina lately,” he mischievously grinned.

“Your kisses are at fault!” I shouted. Bram walked over, water droplets across his chest.

“We’re so close, Simon. So close. How do you feel?”

Spectacular. Blessed. Overwhelmed. I get to marry my best friend, my first love, my high school sweetheart, my everything. And right now we’re standing in the kitchen, naked, with our arms around each other. I couldn’t feel more at peace or hopeful or joyful. My other half and I will become one, our bodies touching, our spirits melding. Bram’s coffee eyes hypnotized me, his body enthralled me, and his soccer calves entranced me.

“I feel like I want to marry you right now, forget the fanfare. We are the only ones that need to recognize our union. Then we can go on the honeymoon and…never leave the bedroom or kitchen.”

“You’re crazy…or am I crazy because that sounds just as lovely?”

“It sounds just a lovely. The only thing we’d have to do is change our last names.”

Bram caressed my lips with his. And maybe it’s because our wedding is tomorrow, but _that_ kiss felt like the best one we’ve had.

“That reminds me, Dad is bringing us all the necessary paperwork for our name change,” Bram told me, the words floating from his mouth like smoke. “Tomorrow it’ll be officially us, same last name.”

My knees went weak, but Bram held me in his strong arms. A compassionate grin appeared on his face as I stared up at him.

“Say it again,” I plead, heart beating faster from the words.

“Tomorrow,” Bram said before he kissed me. “We’ll have the same,” _kiss_ , “last,” _kiss_ , “name.”

I grew light headed from joy as he placed a final kiss softly against my lips.

“I think breakfast is ready,” Bram said as he motioned to the stove top. The eggs were beginning to smoke, but I saved them. We ate in bed as the sun finally peaked above the horizon. The bedroom faced east which also reflected the sunrise off the calm water of Lake Lanier. No snow lay on the ground, but some of the trees were bare. I sat against the headboard as Bram laid on me, finished with his breakfast and his warmth melted me emotionally.

After we got dressed, we bundled up and headed outside to build the dancing floor together. Bram brought out a drill and screws as we laid the pallets upside down on the concrete driveway to connect them. Once we finished, we tipped it right side up and screwed on plywood sheets. We drug it over to the spot Bram wanted the dance floor and found the most level place. I dug up some dirt to level it in the right area. While we leveled out the platform, I asked Bram;

“So…have you written your vows yet?”

Bram chuckled as he packed dirt I placed under the platform. “I have, but you knew that didn’t you?”

“Maybe,” I replied. I haven’t written mine yet. I was going to wait until tomorrow because I thrive on spontaneity. He saw my mind grind and he shook his head.

“You haven’t written yours, have you? You were going to wait until either tonight or even tomorrow?”

“You know me too well,” I say as I walk back to get more dirt.

“That I do, and that’s fine. I plan ahead you are in the moment; Ying-Yang. It kinda works out for the best.”

God, he just always knows what to say. I shoveled dirt and pack it underneath the last spot near Bram. He walked across the platform to test it. His confident eyes found me. “Feels good to me. Dance with me?”

The shovel fell as I took Bram’s extended hand. Bram brought our hips together as his left hand wrapped around my waist as right grabbed my hand. My cheek rested against his shoulder as we circled around the platform. His head rested on mind as we made our way all around the platform. It was sturdy and built on a solid foundation. Just like us.

“I hope it snows tomorrow,” Bram whispered into my ear, his breath warm against my ear. “That would be perfect.”

I shake my head yes as we continue to dance to the music in our heads. Bram continued.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Always.” I replied.

“There was one traditional part of weddings that I do think I want to try. I think it’s sweet and makes the reveal all the more meaningful if tomorrow we don’t see each other until the pictures. Is that okay?”

I looked at him before he twirled me as our arms were extended. His smile told me the platform was ready.

“Of course that’s okay. We made it four years not seeing each other for weeks on end, what’s a half a day?”

Bram spun me back and I landed against his toned chest. “Then you’re stuck with me from here on out.”

The first delivery truck arriving interrupted our dance and we unloaded hundreds of chairs. Other trucks followed delivering propane patio heaters, tables, catering equipment, and other wedding necessities throughout the remainder of the day. In between the deliveries was when Bram and I continued to quietly dance on the platform, hold each other, and kiss each other.

Around two o’clock, the wedding party arrived to all of our hugs as we began to set up the tables and the chairs per Bram’s sketch (yes, he drew it, it was adorable to watch too). They also brought a lot. A LOT of beer, so naturally we needed to have some as we all get the cabin ready as well.

Once we had most of the furniture set up it was five thirtyish and my family plus Elijah arrived with various necessities for the ceremony as well as food for the rehearsal dinner tonight. Dad and Elijah constructed the pergola that was already partially assembled with our help. Bram wanted it just before the dock where we laid so many times on its warm summer wood. It perfectly framed lake and tree-filled image behind us and since it was facing east the sun would help pour natural light on us for pictures (Bram is a genius).

Mom rolled out a navy blue carpet down the center in front of the pergola and Nora staked it into the ground every three or four feet. The rest of us set up the white chairs around planned heaters and made eight rows. Elijah strung white lights around the pergola and as the sun set it lit up the cherry-colored varnish him and Dad painted. Everything was coming together.

Evening fell upon us and we had about an hour left of remaining daylight. Bram and I run our rehearsal of the ceremony and covered through all the steps with everyone. It was going to be a shorter ceremony because we wanted people to focus on the celebration of our union and I know we’d all be eager to dance.

Alice offered to work the sound for the wedding after brief instruction from Nick about the small system he borrowed from Julliard. Ruth came to me and poked at my jeans. She had gotten taller in the year since the proposal.

“HI Si,” she said. She was now six and in the middle of first grade.

“Hi Ruby, thank you so much for coming!”

“It’s Ruth again.” She informed me. “Or Ruthy, but just for you and Brammy.”

“Alright Ruthy, you have the most important role as the flower girl. You start everything off and Bram and I are counting on you. You ready to run through it?”

She shook her head and hugged me. Bram and Elijah still will not admit this, but I saw them well up at Ruth and I hugging.

“Okay, lets get started!”

We completed three quick runs and Bram was satisfied (he’s basically the director of all this). He looked at me and all of this became that more real. I loved it.

Our parents left, but the wedding party stayed and had an unofficial bachelor party part two, but this time Alice was there as well. Everyone was of playing a game when I walked to Bram’s room and sat down. Alice followed me in.

“Hey Bub,” she said with a small slur. She hadn’t been winning at our drinking games.

“Hey,” I smiled at her.

“Whatcha thinking about?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” I asked.

“Nothing about you is obvious.” Alice says as she made herself laugh. “Spill the beans.”

“I just can’t believe it’s tomorrow. Everything we’ve worked towards all this time will be over. Then what’s next?”

Alice sat on the bed with me and put her arm around my shoulder.

“The rest of your lives. And they can be whatever you want them to be. Plus, joint health insurance which I’m sure you’re looking forward to mister actor.”

“Shut up!” I nudged her with a grin. “Yeah. The rest of our lives. Do you think Bram is making a bad decision marrying me?”

“Wow,” Alice said shaking her head. “Bub, usually when people get cold feet they have it for themselves.”

“Cold feet? No way, I just…I guess it’s surreal, you know? Being back here reminded of high school me and…old habits die hard.”

“Let this be the killing blow to all of your doubt.” Alice commanded as she pulled up my left hand and showed me the intricate ring. “Bram, and Dad for that matter, gave you _this_ to prove to you that you are the one person he wants to wake up to the rest of his life, to…have fights with but not give up on each other, to care for during times of sorrow, he chose this hand…this hand…” Alice stopped and her eyes moved around quickly. “Bub, I gotta go, I know what I’m going to say for my excerpt during the ceremony.” She kissed my cheek and walked to the door. “I gotta write this down before I forget it.”

“But you had something already!” I called after her.

“Oops! Don’t tell Bram! You got this, Si. Trust your gut!”

I smiled and shook my head at my crazy sister. Who will soon have a new crazy brother tomorrow. I return to the party and we all drink and have fun until I tap out because I wanted to be well rested for tomorrow (beauty sleep). Bram offered to sleep in another bedroom tonight and Ian quickly offered to share his bed.

“I will see you tomorrow, Si,” he told me, studying me with his eyes so he could recreate me when I’m not next to him.

“I love you,” I told him with a kiss on the cheek. After he returned that kiss on my lips, Bram went upstairs and I entered his room.

I lay in bed, unable to fall asleep because I don’t have him next to me, but I can’t stop thinking about tomorrow. The thought of finally being married to Cute Bram Greenfeld kept my adrenaline high and my blood pumping and my thoughts racing. I could see Bram’s face everywhere in my mind and eventually I do fall into sleep only to dream of him. At some point in the night, someone slipped into bed behind me. My body recognized the body and I eased back against the familiar torso and v-cut.

“I cheated,” Bram said, spooning me as I snuggled into him.

“I won’t tell,” I replied in a sleepy voice as I instantly became warmer and fell into a more peaceful sleep.

“Rise and shine butt munch, it’s your wedding day!”

Ian jumped onto the bed and I noticed Bram was no longer beside me. It was morning already and I felt more rested than I have in the last five years. I joked with him and he jumped off the bed and leaves. There is a note on the nightstand with my name on it.

_I cheated, but I couldn’t handle not sleeping next to you, even if it was only one night. I did wake up first and slip out before you woke up, so it technically still counts as you not seeing me today. I love you so much and I will see you at pictures._

_< <33 B_

I clutch the letter against my chest and my emotions are already starting to run high. The door swung open and Nick, Ian, Abby, and Leah all entered with mimosas in their hand, Leah having an extra one.

“Happy wedding day!” Abby shouted as Leah handed me the mimosa.

“We are running Bram interference so if you need to leave, we need to go with you.” Ian instructed.

“Can I go shower?” I asked

“After you pound that mimosa.” He challenged me.

“Don’t get him wasted today!” Leah ordered, smacking Ian on the butt.

“One mimosa won’t hurt him,” Ian replied. _I have seven more waiting for you_ he mouthed. Leah smacked him on the butt again.

I complied and downed the mimosa and he let me out, “Bram! We’re taking Simon to the bathroom!”

“He’s in the room,” Rhodes yelled back. “Simon’s good!”

Ian dropped me off at the bathroom and I begin to shower. I stand in there when it hits me that I still need to write my vows! My mind jumped between memories and thinking about what I’m going to say. I know it’s weird, but I didn’t feel any pressure. Everything came together as I rehearsed lines of it in the shower. It felt so natural and I thought of a few outline points that I needed to write down before I forgot them.

“Mimosa?”

I shouted as Ian’s hand holding a mimosa came through the curtain as I covered my groin with my hands.

“Holy shit, Ian! You scared me!”

“Take the shower mimosa!” Ian ordered.

“Fine!” I take the glass, but stop him. “Hey, come back in here.”

“You know it’s your wedding day. You shouldn’t be propositioning me.”

“You’re so dumb, I need you to take notes for my vows.”

“I will also bring in a mimosa for myself but I shall return!”

He did return and I dictated some points I wanted him to outline while I finished showering and drinking the shower mimosa.

“Alright, alright good start on the vows, Si. I’ll step out so you can get dressed. Unless you want me to stay.”

My middle finger shot out of the shower to his boisterous laugh. Ian left and I dried off and when I opened the door he was just outside and he covered my eyes as we walked back to the bedroom. He took ‘Bram interference’ very seriously. I put on some shorts and a t-shirt and I notice a garment bag hanging in the closet that wasn’t there before. I go over to it and unzip it as baby blue fabric stared back at me. My mouth dropped open as I realized this was the suit Abby tailored for me.

I go to open the door and Abby is already there, waiting. If she had a tail, it would be wagging right now.

“Do you like it?!” She asked nervously.

All I can do is hug her close. “I love it.”

Ian, Nick, and Leah all walk in around our hug at the door with their own garment bags in hand.

“He’s lying, Abbs, he hasn’t even taken it out of the bag thing.” Ian tattled, seeing it still hanging, slightly unzipped.

“I only needed to see the sleeve and I know it’s frickin’ amazing.”

Abby kissed my cheek and that’s when I noticed a camera in my face.

“Oh yeah,” Abby said, “wedding photographer is here. She wants pictures of us getting ready.”

I shook hands with the photographer with whom Bram and I had only an email relationship before today. Everyone began to get dressed in their suits as I pull the Abby-made suit out of the bag. She even included the tie and pocket square; all I had to provide were the shoes (that had to be cleared with Abby first, of course).

I put on the ironed white button-up and then slipped on the suit pants. I have never had pants fit me so well as Abby couldn’t help but observe me get dressed. I turned to her and shot her a ‘rock-on’ face and she covered her mouth out of emotion. Once I was fully dressed, the room got quiet and we all appreciated Abby’s handy-work. Abby started to tear up when I look at her with proud, happy eyes.

“Oh my god, Si, you’re going to look amazing! Bram won’t know what to do when he sees you!”

Bram. I can only picture the concept sketch of his suit, but it elevates the warm feeling in my chest. The photographer continued to snap pictures as we finished dressing, laughing, and drinking mimosas due to Ian’s constant flow of alcohol.

Leah and Abby had finished dressing by the time another knock came to the door. “Simon?”

“Madison? Hi, finally good to meet you in person.”

“Feeling is mutual.”

“Simon,” Leah asked, “who’s this?”

“This is Madison, she’s a friend of a friend who works in Atlanta as a makeup artist on films and TV and is doing your and Abby’s makeup today. Surprise!”

“Oh my god, Simon!” Abby shouted and hugged me. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“Of course I did. She can also do hair, pretty much any hair according to our mutual friend.”

“Pleasure to meet you guys, just tell me what you want and I’ll make it happen.” Madison said with a smile as she came into the room with her traveling makeup station.

Abby sat first as the rest of us finished getting ready. The photographer ate up all the opportunities for pictures as Madison applied Abby’s makeup and worked on her hair.

“Ever since Simon said Janelle Monae in this suit, I want that iconic Janelle Monae hairstyle.”

Madison smiled as she observed the length of Abby’s hair. “You got it.”

Ian handed us all another round of mimosas and even gave one to the photographer and Madison for good measure. I finished getting ready and when I fixed the yellow tie and pocket pink square, I strutted in front of Abby an she almost cried (“Please don’t I haven’t set your makeup yet!” Madison exclaimed). I turned to look at myself in the mirror and the suit fit me like a glove and I honestly felt like I could go to a GQ photo shoot.

“Abbs, this is the best clothing I have ever wore. I love you for doing this for Bram and I.”

“Okay you can cry now,” Madison joked with her. She didn’t but I could tell how happy she was.

I told Ian I wanted to step out for a second to continue writing my vows and he checked to see the coast was clear. He cleared me and I went into the living room and sat to formulate more of an outline for my vows. The door from the outside opened and it was Dad.

“Dad! You’re early!” I exclaimed as we hugged.

“Yeah, I thought I could come up and help you, if you needed it. Elijah joined me, he’s up with Bram right now.”

“Dad, come on, you know Bram had everything about today thought out to a ‘T.’ Even for me.”

“Well, I also wanted to give you something, if that’s okay.”

Dad pulled a felt box out of his coat and handed it to me. I opened it and inside were aged cuff links.

“Those were mine when I married your mom.” He got misty eyed. “Thought it would be…nice to have you wear the same ones. If you want.”

I embraced Dad again and he patted me on the back. “Thanks Dad, I’ll put these on right now.”

I started to put them on as Dad looked down and saw my notes.

“Workin’ on your vows still, huh?” He said with a chuckle.

“Kind of. I have a general idea, but anytime I it out loud, it doesn’t sound right and a little cheesy.”

“Whew! Glad I’m not the only one.” Dad said as he sat down. “Simon, whatever you say will be perfect. Trust me, you can try to plan what you’re going to say, but if you’re like me, all of your rehearsed lines will fly out the window when you see the person you’re going to marry. But what will come in when you lose the words are the real, meaningful, ad-libed truths. Trust your gut, Simon. It hasn’t let you down so far.”

I finished putting on the first cuff link and then I sat down and Dad helped me attach the other.

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No sweat. You need to focus on enjoying today because before you know it, it’ll be over. You’ll have a husband.”

Maybe because I was highly emotional, but hearing Dad call Bram my husband touched me and my chin quivered. He saw and shot me a reassured look as he finished the cuff link. Dad continued.

“I mean, you’ll be with your husband on your wedding night, so that’s something to look forward to, right? Right?”

The touching moment evaporated and I what was left was a horrified expression plastered on my face as Dad laughed. I guess gay or straight, no child wants to hear their parent talk about sex in any capacity.

“Also, another reason I’m here, I got Bram’s already, but I need your ring.”

I looked down at my left hand and noticed it there. It’s not like I didn’t know it was on my finger, but at the same time it felt so ingrained as a part of my person. Like, your eyes can always see your nose, but your brain literally blocks it from your vision because it’s always there (Try it, close one eye and in one of the bottom corners, your nose will magically appear).

I slip it off my finger and now I feel naked. I don’t think I’ve had it off for more than fifteen minutes and that’s only when I shower. Dad put it into a ring case and I saw Bram’s identical ring inside.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be getting this back today.”

Dad went back outside to help the rest of our families set up the rest of the table settings and flowers for the ceremony. It was currently forty-degrees and there was no wind, so the propane patio heaters placed throughout the grounds should suffice for the ceremony. Elijah and Dad helped the tent people set it up so the reception area was covered and would be a warmer place to eat and dance.

I stared at the page of notes for the vows and I took Dad’s advice: I’ll know them when I see Bram. I balled up the piece of paper and tossed it in the trash. Leah came out and met me in the kitchen.

“We’re so close!! How do you feel?”

“Completely surrounded by the people I love most in the world.”

We hugged in the kitchen until Ian saw and joined us. It was a very hug-filled day and Ian was hopping on any hug he saw.

It was one o’clock and Mom and Tracy helped me cook lunch for everyone who has already arrived. They did do most of the work because I didn’t want to get my suit dirty and everyone kept taking pictures of me in it. I felt like celebrity!

I still haven’t seen Bram today, but we have been texting. Ian and Garrett kept running interference between us seeing each other and when lunch was ready, I went back into the bedroom so Bram could come down and visit with people and eat. Hearing his voice but not seeing him was torture, but I’ll see him soon.

The photographer wanted to get the pictures done at two-thirty because the light would be better than waiting until after the ceremony. All of the wedding party plus the parents and families were photographed various points around the cabin grounds until the two big people today was about had to do pictures. We were finally going to see each other in our suits, only hours away from getting married.

Bram stood facing away from me as the photographer wanted me to come up to him and surprise him in my suit. Ian covered my eyes until the photographer wanted to get my reaction shot. I only saw his navy blue suit hugging the athletic curves of his body, but I was already tearing up. He looked so crisp and handsome and gorgeous and the backdrop of the woods around us didn’t help his overwhelming beauty. The photographer finally came face to face with Bram and told him to turn around and look at me.

It felt like it took him forever to turn, but it also happened quickly because I wanted to savor this moment as much as he did.

He could only keep his eyes on me for a second before he had to look away because was overcome with emotion. His face trembled and he looked at me again, but only for a second as he looked away. Our friends and family laughed and ‘awwwed’ at the moment as I stepped closer and closer to him, tears running down my face. Bram looked phenomenal in his suit with the green tie and orange pocket square. He was the most gorgeous human being that has ever walked this earth and If he had wings on his back you’d have no doubt he was an angel.

Tears fell down his face as he finally covered his mouth and stayed still, observing me, studying me with his beautiful eyes. I looked down at the ground because now I was crying and I wiped the tears from my face. I continued walking until I saw his shoes and was only steps away from him. I looked up at his elegant brown eyes and smiled wide.

“Hi handsome,” I said to him.

Bram laughed and looked away, wiping his own tears away. “Hi gorgeous…You look so unbelievably beautiful, Simon.”

“You’re the indescribably stunning one B.”

We hugged each other like we hadn’t seen each other in months. His arms found my lower back as they usually did and I felt so warm and close. The camera’s shutter could be heard capturing all these pictures and I couldn’t wait to see what it looked like from the outside when Bram and I were in our own little world, our warm, floating space were only we existed.

After we had our moment, our moms came up to us and put on our corsages, tearing up themselves. Once we composed ourselves, we stood and took more pictures with each side of the family and wedding party. Before we knew it, guests started to arrive. The wedding party ran into the cabin and remained there until Alice was ready with the music and ear mic for Leah.

I observed all of our family and friends walking to the seats of the ceremony area from Bram’s room. It was around now I, for some reason, had butterflies in my stomach. However, Bram walked in front of me and grabbed my hands, his left ring finger bare as well and the butterflies immediately left.

“Hey.” The word dripped from his mouth.

“Hey.” I looked up at him as he looked so radiant in his suit. He pulled my hands to his chest and I felt his heart beating faster, his hands pressed on top of mine. I had a flashback to the hallway of Creekwood when I recited the poem to him and I think he felt it too. I shook my head and warned him;

“I just stopped crying, you’re going to make me cry again!”

“You do this to me, you’re the only one who’s been able to do this to me. I want to take a moment together before this all starts because I have been thinking about this for the last eight years.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I did something that was more of a knee jerk reaction. I sang.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know, B, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.”

We kissed and we are shot into space. Floating warmth, safety in his embrace, cradled in each other hearts. Our breaths escape us and for a second it’s we synced up with our heart beats and breath.

“Hey guys,” Leah said to us, bringing us back down to earth, head peaked in from the door. “I think we should be good to start. It’s three fifty eight. Want to start early?”

We laugh and both looked in each other’s eyes. I spoke for both of us when I said to her, “Leah, we love you.”

“Stop, don’t make me cry before I even get up there.” She said fanning away tears with her hands. “Also we needed to bring a few of the heaters over from the tent because it got a little chilly.”

“We’ll make it work,” Bram responds, not taking his eyes off of me. Leah walked to the door and noticed we hadn’t moved. She walked back to me and grabbed my arm.

“We have to do the ceremony to make it official…are you two ready?”

Bram and I look at each other, grasp our hands together, and walk out of the cabin.


	21. Going to Get Married, Part II

It was four o’clock when Alice pressed play. The air was a little cooler as Leah pointed out, but not cold. Besides, I was near Bram on our way to our wedding; I couldn’t be cold if I tried. The white chairs were now full of family and friends as the overcast blanketed white light from the clouds.

Nick’s classically arranged played soothingly through the speakers. String instruments carried the melody forward and were complimented by a piano and soft brass instruments The song felt hopeful, happy, and loving; the perfect piece for a wedding. The perfect piece for Bram and I and…I know others may not, but I can hear all of the love Nick put into this song. I believe Bram felt it as well because he wrapped his hand around my waist after putting his hand on Nick’s shoulder. Nick pinched his lips together because he saw how much we loved the song and he didn’t want to get emotional (at least not yet).

“Phenomenal…Nick. The strings are…” Bram started.

“Thank you guys. I love you.” He had to walk away to control his emotions. Abby saw him walk to his spot in line and she came over to us.

“Isn’t this great?” She said, tears in her eyes already. “You know he composed this in one night, right?”

No wonder Nick was constantly working in New York. Ruth came up to Bram and I and asked;

“Should I go?”

Bram nodded. “Yep, just like we practiced yesterday.”

Ruth smiled and started down the aisle, tossing red rose petals across the ground. Rose petals, just like what I used to spell out Bram’s name when I proposed. The photographer and our guests took many pictures and films on their phones of Ruth in her cute white dress and denim jacket until she reached the front and sat on Bram’s side in the front row. (“She should be wearing a white dress on a wedding day since none of us are,” Bram told his parents.)

Leah inhaled deeply and exhaled as she made her way down the aisle, thin white binder in hand. The music gave her steps purpose as she walked powerfully towards the pergola that was decorated earlier with ribbons, flowers, and the lights by Mom, Nora, and Alice. A bird called in the distance and it reminded me of the lazy summer days we spent here. Not just Bram and I, but all of us. How all of them are here right now, standing by our sides as we declare our love for each other.

Once she arrived and turned towards the crowd, both of the Nicks started to walk, side by side, down the aisle. The photographer captured their approach from behind Leah as they walked down, arm in arm. They split to their respective side once they arrived.

Abby and Rhodes followed down the aisle as many people looked at her suit and styled hair with smiles and happy gasps. It made her beam and she clutched onto Rhodes’ arm as they ambled down the aisle until the separated to their side.

Last, and certainly not least, Ian and Garrett were the last of the wedding party to walk down the aisle. Nick’s amazing melody continued as all of our wedding party had made it up front and now it moved on to our parents.

Mom grabbed my elbow as I took her down the aisle with Dad Nora following close behind. It wasn’t long before Mom was crying, but luckily I had tissues stuffed in my pocket for her (and for, most likely, me later). We hugged and kissed Mom and shook-hugged Dad. He whispered in my ear.

“Did you ever finish your vows?”

I shook my head no.

“Do you know what you’re going to say?”

I looked at Bram behind the crowd and then back to Dad and shook my head yes.

“Good man.”

Dad sat next to Mom and Nora on my side and I walked up the aisle back to Bram. Nora wasn’t making eye contact with me and I think I knew why as I smiled all the way back.

Bram strolled down the aisle with Tracy on his right side and his step mom on his left. Elijah walked behind, keeping as much composure as possible. He kissed each of their cheeks and hugged Elijah before returning to me. This was it. Now it was our turn to walk down the aisle together.

Butterflies returned to my stomach until he grasped my hand. His soft eyes melted away all the troubles of the world and right now only the people here existed. Alice began to play the second portion of Nick’s composition that was meant for Bram and I when we came down the aisle. Everyone stood up and looked back at us as Bram looked at me through my eyes and into my soul, warming me. He nodded his head down the aisle and we began to walk, hand in hand, fingers interlaced, through a sea of smiling and faces on a blue carpet.

Bram walked a little in front of me because I slowed down my pace, wanting this moment to last forever. He gently turned and smiled, guiding me down the aisle like a beautiful beacon of love and hope. I smiled back and I gripped Bram’s hand and he squeezed back. It took everything in me not to pull him to me and kiss him right there.

We arrived to Leah who had a big smile on her face as the sun cast its beautiful light against Bram’s skin. We didn’t stop holding hands, in fact, I grabbed Bram’s other hand and we stood staring at each other. Bram kept squeezing my hand and I kept squeezing his. I think we were both checking that we weren’t dreaming. It was real.

“Good afternoon,” Leah began, binder open. “Welcome to the most important moment in the lives of Abraham Greenfeld and Simon Spier. We invite you to leave behind the concerns of everyday life and to join us in the celebration of their marriage. This is an opportunity for us to not only share in the joy of Abraham and Simon’s love, but to reaffirm and appreciate the love and friendship we experience in our own lives. For Abraham and Simon, who stand before us today vowing to build a strong and loving marriage, how better to start off married life than with the support of their friends and family in a place they hold so dear to their hearts.”

I heard Abby behind me stifle some tears as she pulled out her own tissues. Ian couldn’t stop smiling at me and it filled me with such joy and happiness. Then Bram. I couldn’t believe I was marrying Cute Bram Greenfeld. Brown eyed, grammar nerd, soccer star, journalist Bram Greenfeld. A tear of joy fell down my face as I pulled out a tissue and dabbed my cheek. This set off a chain reaction as Leah paused her speech to find her breath, Bram smiled to hide his trembling chin, and I even saw Ian look up to trap tears in his eyes. Seeing love overflow like this is infectious and such a healthy thing to be around, no matter the gender, race, or sexual orientation. Love is alien and doesn’t understand the human constructs we try to make it fit in. Love just is. Leah continued.

“I stand before you today not only as being fortunate enough for Abraham and Simon to ask me to officiate their marriage, but as their friend. I first met Simon in kindergarten and it’s when we discovered we lived right down the street from one another. Since then we’ve attended the same schools from grade school to Yale where we even lived together as roommates. Some could say that I know Simon better than he knows himself, and that is true. But I know I don’t know him as well as Abraham.”

Bram gripped my hands more as his eyes became teary. Sniffles began to come from the crowd and I’m ninety-five percent sure most of them are just Tracy and Mom.

“I met Abraham during our freshman year of high school when Nick met Garrett and Abraham though soccer and we all started not only eating lunch together, but spending much of our free time with each other as well. Our friendship, however, didn’t really begin until junior year when Simon and Abraham finally had the courage to be themselves. The courage to be themselves not only to themselves, but to each other and the world. I realized quickly after Abraham got on the ferris wheel how much these two complimented each other and how quickly ‘Quiet Bram Greenfeld’ turned into ‘As Loud As Simon Bram Greenfeld.’”

We both laughed as a tear fell down my face. I wanted to wipe it away but I didn’t want to let go of Bram’s strong hands. I wanted to fuse with him so we’d never be apart.

“During our sophomore year of college, Simon had to leave earlier that fall to be at school to rehearse for a student project, which gave me the perfect opportunity to talk one on one with Bram. If you don’t know me, you should know that I take my friendships extremely seriously and I thought this would be the perfect time to have the older sister talk to him since Alice was traveling. She also gave me her blessing to do so.”

The crowd laughed as I could see Garrett, Rhodes, and B’s Nick smile Bram-like at me.

“I sat down with Bram with the intention of asking him how serious this was becoming between him and Simon. We were friends, but as I mentioned I’ve known Simon since grade school but before I could even bring it up, he said five simple words effortlessly. ‘I want to marry Simon.’ At this point they had been dating for two years and I couldn’t find the words because I was so happy. I understood the affect Abraham had on Simon and he followed those five words with another set of five words. ‘And I need your help.’”

Bram nodded his head as he stared at me glassy eyed. All I could to was become lost in his gaze and gather strength from our clasped hands.

“My role in their proposal was helping Bram by learning to play their song and keep him posted on Simon’s thoughts on marriage. Then, two years later, Simon FaceTimed me that _he_ wanted to propose. I was going to see him the next day, but Simon was so full of love and excitement that he just couldn’t wait. And now here we are. Abraham and Simon are wonderful men and are two of the most genuine people I know. Their love story is what brings us here today so we all can celebrate Abraham and Simon and the rest of their lives together.”

Leah smiled at as she fought back her own tears. “And now Simon’s younger sister, Nora, will read a message for Abraham and Simon.”

I saw Mom was a mess as she had a box of tissues on Dad’s lap and Dad was holding up as best he could as well. Nora stood up and went to a microphone stand stage left behind me as I faced Bram. I’m sure she made sure it was on this side so I’d have to turn around to look at her (or not look at her which was probably her first choice).

“I don’t know if many of you know this, but Simon also proposed to Bram. Simon’s proposal was more private and I’m sure Simon wants to keep it that way, but it involved printing hundreds of pictures of him and Bram. I went to help him decide on the pictures and he asked me what I thought about Bram. It was hard for me to answer because I knew it would make me emotional and I hate emotions.”

Mom’s hands planted over her heart. Oh boy will she cry when she hears this. I also knew this would be the first time Bram would hear Nora be this open and tell the wonderful story that she told me in the Walgreens that day.

“I told him that I like Bram because of how he made Simon feel about himself. Simon and I used to be inseparable when we were younger and then one day it just stopped. I could see that he _wanted_ to spend time with me, play with me, but something was holding him back. Now I know it was because Simon realized he liked men and he felt like he couldn’t talk to anyone about it, not even Alice or me. It was the longest four years of my life and I thought I lost my brother. Then, one day, he was back to the Simon I knew and missed. I had to know what happened that brought this Simon back to life. Then he introduced us to Bram. How Simon looked at Bram was how he looked when he was younger; full of life, happiness, and hope. They trusted each other with something so fragile and it paid off for both of them. Their love and patience was rewarded and they were free from their self-imposed prisons. And then they lasted four years apart at college and not only weathered that storm, but came out stronger and deeper in love. That love is why we’re all here today: to be around it, to make an example of it, to learn from it, no matter your age, on the happiest day of their lives.”

I looked at Mom and she was a wreck as Dad bugged his eyes and it made me smile. Then tilted his head at Bram and he looked very similar to Mom. Bram had multiple tear streams down his face and I used my thumb to clean them away. I squeezed his other hand as more tears fell down his face and he bit his lip. I smiled and took a tissue out and gave it to him. He finished cleaning his face and I winked at him with my upstage eye so only the wedding party and him saw it.

“Thank you Nora, that was lovely.” Leah said, also crying. “Sorry folks, it may take us a while to get through this wedding!” The crowed laughed as I pulled out a tissue and gave it to her. She dabbed her eyes and continued. “The following message will be read by Alice, Simon’s older sister.”

Alice walked from the side and took the microphone. She cleared her throat and looked at me and immediately began to cry. It made me laugh out some tears. After she composed herself, she read her message.

“I’m Alice, Simon’s older sister, as Leah obviously just said.” A light laugh erupted from the crowd. “I kind of threw this together last night after a conversation Simon and I had. I had something else prepared, but this seems better. I’d ask for the couple to hold hands, but as you can see they haven’t stopped holding hands since they came up, so I’ll just dive in.”

I turned back to Bram who sported his classic smile. Our relationship lately has only consisted of him smiling and perhaps it’s become repetitive, but seeing his smile is like seeing the ocean for the first time and falling in love for the first time and seeing earth from space all wrapped into one feeling. It never gets old on me. Alice began to read.

“These are the hands of your best friend you are holding on your wedding day as you promise to love each other today, tomorrow and forever.  
These are the hands that will work alongside yours as together you build your future.  
These are the hands that will passionately love you and, with the slightest touch will comfort you.”

Alice stopped to catch her breath and find her wavering voice. She wore a baby blue dress and looked absolutely stunning. It was a nod to me in my baby blue suit and she had a yellow lace ribbon tied around her neck which ends danced around in the light breeze.  
  
“These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief temporarily comes your way.  
These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes, tears of sorrow and tears of joy.”

She snickered, “Like right now!” The crowd laughed as well and she continued.  
  
“These are the hands that will give you support and encouragement to chase down your dreams.  
These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times.  
These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.  
And these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged will still reach for yours, giving the same unspoken love with just a touch.”

Alice came over and hugged me from behind and placed her head on my shoulder. I leaned my head on to hers as Bram hugged both of us and put his chin on my other shoulder. Mom cried quietly onto Dad’s shoulder as Nora wiped away a few lingering tears. Tears of joy are infrequent and when they come are all the more meaningful. They streamed down my face as all of us were hugging and sharing the invisible yet powerful force that love has on all of us. We left the hug and Alice kissed Bram on the cheek, making him (and Mom) tear up more. Leah dabbed under her eyes as she said;

“Thank you Alice. Now, a song has been prepared for the grooms by Ian Martin and Nick Eisner of Simon’s side of the party.”

My eyes bugged and I turned around to see Ian and Nick step over to the microphone. Nick walked to Alice who winked at me and she pulled out a violin case. Nick opened it and quickly checked to hear if it was stayed in tune in the cold weather. I turned to Bram who looked as shocked as I did.

“Is this your doing?” Bram asked, a smile creeping on his face.

“I thought it was you surprising me again.” I replied as we both look at Leah who just smiled back.

“Hello fine people of Simon and Bram’s wedding. My associate, Nicholas, and I decided to work off his immense talent and perform a piece we thought would be fitting for such an event. Simon and Abraham are two people we both very much care about. It song is called 'The Book of Love' and this Peter Gabriel’s version. Please enjoy.”

Ian looked at Nick as he began to delicately play the violin in slow, passionate bows as he stared at Ian and they fell into rhythm with one another. Ian’s voice began to sing as small snowflakes began to dust the ground.

“The book of love is long and boring, no one can lift the damn thing  
It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing  
But I, I love it when you read to me  
And you, You can read me anything  
The book of love has music in it  
In fact that's where music comes from  
Some of it’s just transcendental  
Some of it’s just really dumb”

Ian and Nick were very connected as the somberly hopeful and happy lyrics rolled of his tongue. Everyone seated held on to each other, on to their friends, on to their family, on to their loved ones. Bram came around me and held me against his chest as my hand found Leah’s. She lifted her eyebrows and tears coursed down her face. Love is overwhelming. Love is beautiful. Love is this song and love is a tangible thing we’re all feeling at this wedding. He continued to sing after Nick had a small violin solo.

“The book of love is long and boring  
And written very long ago  
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes  
And things we're all too young to know  
But I, I love it when you give me things  
And you, You ought to give me wedding rings  
But I, I love it when you give me things  
And you, You ought to give me wedding rings  
But I, I love it when you give me things  
And you, You ought to give me wedding rings  
You ought to give me wedding rings”

There was sniffling from the crowd as Nick finished the bowing on the violin. It was very calm and quiet and the snow falling perfectly encapsulated the mood of the crowd and the love everyone felt. After about a ten second pause, the clapping began as Nick bowed, gave the violin back to Alice, and both of them came back into line behind me like they pretended that they just didn’t give us one of the best gifts possible.

“I didn’t know you could play the violin,” I whispered to Nick.

“You think the only thing I’d do for you guys is compose one song? Psshh, you think you know me, huh Spier?”

I grinned as a tear fell down my face. I didn’t need to say it to him because he knew it, but I loved him. He loved me. That song proved it and Nick didn’t have to say it. People show love in different ways and his was through song and that’s kind of always how it was. He learned to play the frickin’ violin. I looked back to Bram who was beaming.

“That’s our new song,” Bram whispered to me as he pinched his lips. It was, and would always be associated with our wedding. Just like Bram singing Waltz #2 is associated with his proposal.

“Thank you, Nick and Ian, for that…wonderful piece.” Leah spoke. “Now, Abraham and Simon will exchange their vows to each other.”

She looked at Bram and smiled. Bram swallowed hard and looked at the ground. I squeezed his hands to offer unspoken support. It seemed he needed to collect his thoughts before he looked back up at me. The sweet, sweet boy had tears in his eyes as he giggled before he began.

“Simon Spier, I am a very calculating, observant person. I have been from a very young age, and I believe it stemmed from the fact that I realized I had something to hide. I put up these mental walls and it took a long time for me to let people into my life because of it. Until I met you. And with your innocent stares and soft-spoken words, all of the defenses I built crumbled. At first, I was vulnerable and scared of someone who could get that close to me without trying. But everyday since we first started talking as Blue and Jacques, you’ve made me realize how wrong I was to have those walls up in the first place. I don’t have many regrets in life, but one of them wasn’t telling you how much you meant to me when I first felt it freshman year of high school. I vow to you, Simon, to spend the rest of our lives together showing you every day how much you mean to me and how much I care about you and how much I am thoroughly, madly, crazy in love you.”

It was proposal night all over again as I became a blubbering mess. I had to pause to compose myself which worked because so did everyone else. When I was finally ready, I began to speak involuntarily, like someone or something spoke through me.

“Abraham Greenfeld, I am the opposite of you in that I am not calculating or observant. It took me three years to realize the most gorgeous person I’ve ever met had feelings for me and he sat with me everyday at lunch. I spent a good portion of my life confused. Not just about my feelings for men, but what I wanted in life, what was important to me, how my life would turn out. And then I met you. You were my lighthouse out of the fog of my mind and helped guide me to accept myself for who I am. And when that happened, all the other stuff became easy because what became the most important thing in my life was you. There is literally nothing I could ever do to fully show you how much I love you and how much you have made me the best possible version of me. Words have not been invented and poets have not found the metaphors. I vow to you that I will spend the rest of our lives continuously showering you with all the love you deserve. Because if it wasn’t for your love, compassion, and enormous heart, I would still be lost in the fog.”

Dad was right, nothing of what I just said was anything to do with what I prepared earlier today. It was now Bram’s turn to cry as the light snow fell around us and it felt like a beautiful fairy tale story we were living. I wasn’t cold because of the molten love was flowing out of Bram. His eyes teleported me to the warm space. It was just us and love and it’s been easier to get to that place the closer we’ve got to being officially married. I never want to leave this and I think when we’re married, I never will be able to. Trapped in the warm place forever. After Leah gave the crowd a minute, she proclaimed;

“Let’s get these two married!” Leah opened her binder again.

“Do you, Abraham, take Simon to be your husband? Do you promise to love him and care for him as long as you both shall live? Do you accept him, with all of his faults and strengths, and offer yourself to him with all of your own faults and strengths? Do you promise to be a faithful and loving companion and to always put the promises you make today above all else?”

“I do,” Bram said strongly. His chin stopped trembling and he allowed tears to fall. It made me tear up as well. In that moment, all the years of his wanting and yearning for this moment, it finally arrived.

Leah asked me the same thing.

“I do,” I replied, as a tear fell down my face.

Bram looked down at his feet as snow caught in his hair. Every inch of me craved him, not sexually, but spiritually. I have never felt so connected to a person in my entire life and I always thought that love songs were overrated. But when you find love, it’s easier for you to understand the words and you finally listen to them and the power they have. He looked back up at me and my heart sang. Two halves are becoming whole.

She pulled out the rings.

“The circle of the wedding band is a symbol of eternity, with no beginning or end. The tradition of the wedding ring being worn on the fourth finger of the left hand stems from the old belief that the vein in this finger leads directly to the wearer's heart.”

Leah turned to Bram and gave him my ring. “Abraham repeat after me: With this ring, I thee wed.”

“With this ring, I thee wed.” Bram slid the ring on my finger and I saw myself reflected I his coffee eyes.

Leah turned to me and gave me his ring. “Simon repeat after me: With this ring, I thee wed.”

“With this ring, I thee wed.” I slid the ring onto Bram’s finger as another tear fell down my cheek.

“Before I pronounce you married, I would like for both of you to take a few seconds and look into each other’s eyes. Your wedding day is one that seems to fly. It’s a day filled with emotion, family, friends, rings, and celebration. May you never forget what you are feeling right now. We love because it’s the only true adventure. And for Abraham and Simon, that adventure is just beginning.”

Bram and I looked into each other’s eyes and both became lost in the warm place.

“By the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you husbands! You may kiss one another.”

It’s done. We’re married. It’s official, we’re husbands. Applause and cheering erupted around us as our lips gently pressed against one another. Alice played a cello and piano version of “All of Me” by John Legend as Leah stepped out of the way so the photographer could capture our first married kiss.

What will our future hold? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I will have Bram by my side to figure it out. I’ll have my wonderful friends, my amazing family, and even amazing people I have yet to meet.

Will Bram and I have children? Will we move to Los Angeles, stay in New York, or go back to Georgia? Will Bram and Nick finally write a musical together like they’ve been talking about? Will I become a famous actor and Bram a famous journalist? Will Leah eventually run for office? Will Abby become the most sought after costume designer in Hollywood? Will Nick become the next big name in producing music? Will Ian and Leah make it as a couple?

Who knows? What is comforting is that I’m in the happiest place right now and even with all those unanswered questions, I know that since we don’t know the future, anything can happen and that means anything is possible. Also, for me it’s no longer ‘I,’ it’s now ‘we.’ And who’s to say we all won’t make those futures come true?

Bram and I stopped kissing and turned out to face the crowd. Leah placed her hand on my shoulder and I looked back at her and she gave me a wink as I nodded my head. I looked at Bram and I saw our future in his eyes. That’s all I needed anymore, Leah was about to announce the news only she and Elijah had the privilege of knowing prior to today.

“It is now my pleasure.”

Tracy and Elijah held each other proudly while they stared at their new son in law.

“To introduce to you.”

Nora smiled and Alice held her hand against her heart.

“For the first time as a couple.”

Mom pressed her palms together and Dad smiled and winked at me. I pulled up my wrist and posed with his cuff links as he chuckled to himself.

“Abraham and Simon Greenfeld-Spier!”

A louder applause erupted as snow dusted down around us in our blue suits. He didn’t need to kiss me anymore to take me to the warm place. My life, _our_ life, is the warm place. I leaned my head on Bram’s shoulder as our friends and family applauded our love.

I am Simon Greenfeld-Spier. My husband’s name is Abraham Greenfeld-Spier. And we are just beginning our Homo sapiens agenda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Book of Love - Peter Gabriel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmnDXRJ7btE  
> All of Me - John Legend (Piano & Cello Cover): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe2G6Vs1V_Q  
> \------  
> Oh my gosh. What can I say?
> 
> This turned from writing a fun little story reaction to 'Love, Simon' and 'Simon Vs.' to a piece of my heart that ended up being it's own basic book.
> 
> It's been an absolute pleasure to write this story and I hope you loved reading it as much as I did writing this.
> 
> To everyone who read this entire story or even glanced at only one chapter, thank you. Your comments and support have been so rewarding. I hope I emulated the original characters while giving you a place to take them.
> 
> Peace and Love and Happy Pride. Sending you all the happiness and joy in the world.


End file.
